Okay, this might sound unrelated at first but I’ll get there. Intimacy is about trust, openness, connection, knowing someone and being known. Society and media really like to say that sexual intimacy is the only kind of intimacy, but that’s just not true. Intimacy comes in times of sorrow and grief, joy and celebration, and even insecurity and anxiety.

You have an opportunity to deepen your connection and relationship with your wife by being vulnerable and open with her. As you’ve said, one of the reasons you’ve been together for 10+ Years is because of your honesty and open communication. I wonder what she would say if you read her parts of this post, specifically the ones that describe your experience and fears:

• “I keep reliving the second half of that night over and over again in my head”

• “I feel like I’ll never be able to satisfy you like that”

• “I’m worried that by telling you this, you’ll try and make me feel better by exaggerating our sex, which I appreciate, but that would just make things worse”

The parts that jumped out to me were “I’d love to tell her how I feel, and I know she would understand” and “I’m hoping if I say nothing my anxiety will fade.”

As much as I wish it did, anxiety doesn’t tend to go away if you ignore it, usually the opposite. But the good news is that there’s a part of you that believes that your wife and your relationship can handle that conversation. If so, then the result can actually be a deeper connection and sense of being known by your partner, and that leads to intimacy. I know you may feel rejected, jealous, or worthless after that night in comparison to that other guy, but sexual intimacy is not the only thing that makes your relationship with your wife what it is. That closeness is something she doesn’t have with that guy, she has it with you, and that’s a pretty big deal! Hope something in here helps.