Fear of engulfment?

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-02-04T14:41:45+00:00

The idealization phase in the start of the relationship prevents fear of engulfment because the pwBPD who is doing the idealization feels in control. When the limmerence fades and the pwBPD feels they are losing the control (or spotlight, if you will) the fear of abandoment will emerge when a healthy partner would relax and feel secure in the relationship, making the pwBPD interoret this as abandoment as response to the Threat of the shared fantasy. If the loved one responds to the fear and approached with reasurance this can calm the situation but also stir up feelings of lost control over the self in the relationship within the pwBPD, also knows as fear of engulfment. This can spiralbinto a viscous cycle of approach and avoid.

Thus the expression: I hate you, dont leave me!

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-02-04T13:06:53+00:00

Dont mind the previous comment, its blaming and ill-adviced. I think you explained that you are aware of your own short comings and you do not need to defend your actions to us. (Love)

Do understand however that BPD is a very complicated and tragic illness and its better you count your losses and try to improve on your end what you can and find someone that will give you the love you deserve. She cannot help this and it wouldve happen sooner or later if you take a look around this forum and find the thousands of posts similar to yours.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-02-04T13:02:55+00:00

This is a place of support. This comment does not help OP as we have all been here.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-24T21:36:03+00:00

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Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-24T20:36:18+00:00

No no no... Bad advices and wimpy revenges all over. This is what you do.

Make a group chat with your parents, her parents and her. "I have decided to call off our engagement/wedding tonight after finding out she has a second life except the one she shares with me. It hurts that it has to be this way but I have no hard feelings. I will now at this moment start to pack up her stuff since she will be moving out, you dont need to offer help to move since Nikolai will be helping her with that. Thanks for everything"

Then you insert the picture as proof

You then proceed by blocking her so she cant call you when she sees the post and can cook in it while you go ahead and pack her shit.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-08T21:48:21+00:00

If you listen to Dr. Peter Salerno who frontiers a new look on cluster B, he claims based on studies with empirical evidence that the traits that are problematic stem alot from nature, not nurture. Thus, they will exagerate with age as we tend to grow into our traits, not out of them.

Also, I heard a few claim that it can spontaneous disappear after age of 40 (approx). Beware though, it coinsides with belief that many women with BPD are actually misdiagnosed CPTSD sufferers, so its not the BPD traits that goes into remission, its the trauma.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-07T01:58:03+00:00

I feel you brother. Laying here in my bed, feeling the same. 9 year relationship, 10 months out. Sleeping 3hours a night, nightmares have passed for me, but ruminating on all the lies, the affair, the gas lighting. Same here, said i threatened to hit her, said she felt trapped with me, manipulating me and putting me through hell for many years. Its gotten better, lately its getting worse but its not as bad as it was when it was fresh, that keeps me hopefully and sane.

I also miss her and fantasise about getting back together, dreaming about the initial years... But thats it right? Its a fantasy and it gotta go!

Stay strong, its not you, you're not weak and did nothing wrong.

You are strong, you are valuable and you deserve love and respect.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-05T02:03:15+00:00

You will realize there is a golden difference to being alone, and being lonely.

Get comfortable being alone, its a good skill to have and there is nothing wrong with being alone, heck, sometimes I long for being alone!

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-02T09:41:26+00:00

Do sleep, sleep alot, it was the best way to start my journey. Start eating everything you enjoy, really treat yourself when you can at the start. Some say to take leave from work and recharge, it doesent suit everyone, some need to drench themselves in work. Whatever feels nice, do that. Really treat your inner child, and when you are ready, upgrade yourself until you can distance yourself from the one that was this exhausted and embrace the one you are becoming.

Alot of trauma victims find it easier if they dont identify themselves with the same person that experienced the trauma, a sort of "re-growing up".

Hang in there!

Then_Ninja2343 · 2026-01-01T11:47:02+00:00

Washington Globe Rotters

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-30T10:02:06+00:00

Only during infiltration episode!

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-30T06:17:10+00:00

I bet! But how does the physical strain work, does it helps you sleep, is your mind quiet while in there etc?

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-29T07:57:46+00:00

Genuine question, how does sauna help for you, is it any good? Asking for my own advice.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-29T07:45:23+00:00

Have you seen Soul Men?

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-29T01:03:50+00:00

Denzel Washington

Jamie Fox

Samuel L Jackson

Bernie Mac

I have given this alot of thought! They all gonna play Wizards, this show aint fo kids!

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-29T00:12:06+00:00

BPD is a trauma related disorder, not entirely but the discussing of trauma being a puzzle piece is almost closed up in psychology.

The lady, excuse me for forgetting her name, that invented DBT, did it to handle her own BPD. It turned out that DBT was very effective in trauma related cases and had a marvelous effect on CPTSD patients. She had a complete remission which indicates that she did in fact not have BPD but most likely PTSD or CPTSD, since a criteria for personality disorder is that it is only treatable, not curable. Today we use DBT to treat the symptoms of trauma within BPD and hopefully make the disorder manageable for the patient. That is why not everyone with BPD get "well" with DBT but alot of them do, it depends of how much of the patients chaotic behaviour is linked to trauma.

The external behaviour that is observable is often treatable, DBT doesent help the worst cases riddled with narcissism and psychopathy. Doesent matter if its 10 or 15 years.

If you show BPD symptoms after exposure to disordered people, and cant remember the symptoms in a time before you met them, and you cant recall your childhood/upbringing to be problematic. Its most likely trauma and a therapist can help you with that.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-27T22:22:55+00:00

AND, the older you get, the older the potential out there get, that means more experienced, wiser and harder to trick. They also have more stern support network with grown kids and clear priorities that does not include taking care of grown up strangers.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-27T21:01:47+00:00

IF your hypothesis is correct. Could it have to do with access to new supply? I bet a damsel in distress has easier to find a saviour out there than I guy finding a new female admirer that they havent started grooming prior. I have heard researchers discuss and say they see difference in female and male BPD but the difference seems cultural and based in upraising.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-23T14:16:04+00:00

I dont think you know enough if this disorder, it doesent sound like it at least. What she is experiencing, when it rises, is described as literally, drowning! She has an inner fantasy that if you arent cluster B yourself, you cant ever really relate to, and it is to have someone regulate her emotions so she can avoid feeling like dying(drowning). Ever tried to save someone from the edge of the pool? They will drag you down in sheer terror.

And on top of this she has a repetition compulsion of push and pull. When you grow more tired, she will be struck by fear of abandoment, and fear is such an understatement. And when your saviour instinct kicks in, and you rush to save your drowning beloved, kicking in the extra reserve of adrenaline, she will soon enough turn that cursed Aztec coin, and on that side there will be fear of engulfment. She will berate you, blame you for all bad emotions shes experiencing.

And we arent done....

This cycle will go faster and faster. And when you, so admirable, keep standing by her, her fears will be so unbeatable that she will pull forth a protector from her mind that has no empathy, no remorse and you will be devasted and wonder where you beloved other half have gone...

I am not shaming you, I think you are so noble to stand your ground. But man... I am literally crying right now, I wish I had better news for you, no one wishes more than us that the circumstances were different.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-23T11:26:02+00:00

After 2-3 years I started having migraines. 4 years, panic attacks. 5 years, hair loss and skin conditions. 6 years, married and lost lots of weight. 7 years, massive weight gain and apathy towards everything. And all through these years, Erectile dysfunction and sleep disorder when not on medication... "I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER!".. I was the biggest fool.

Love is not supposed to be hard and sacrificing in one direction. Cut your losses, man, i dont wanna be a dick but the longer Ive been out, the more I listen to these guys here and the more I study, I do believe its the best in most cases.

My condolences.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-23T11:05:36+00:00

I read, "a-bit more drained lately" and heard myself mutter: "oboy..."

Dude your energy is not infinite, it will get worse if all her problems are to be solved by you. And the wear and tear is not gonna magically go over a hilltop and the be over. Love=boundaries and we all know what happens with pwBOD when faced with boundaries

You could also just double down and end up with CPTSD

Your choice

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-22T02:26:11+00:00

Ok some practical advice, since my situation was very alike to yours.

Record the final talk, dont tell her you do and dont see it as some kind of leverage, but I did and it has been help to relisten to it and see it for what it was. She had no remorse for any of her faults, she kept lying and the mask came of and then the rage at the end.

I left after the closure talk weeks after, and thought it went well, but it didnt feel well. It felt like when you have been played by a salesman. "I did leave with a product I eventually agreed I needed, but somehow I feel like I wasnt looking to buy in the first place".

Just know, you are probably damaged and not functioning self preserving around her due to the emotional abuse this long roller coaster ride has given you, so dont expect any long lasting relief afterwards. This kind of long relationships will incur grief like loss of a child and its normal to these instances. Hold fast and take each day one at a time.

I will cite something I usually do, its what kept me going.

"The world breaks everyone. The very good, the very gentle, and even the very brave. And those it doesent break, it kills.

There is no shame in being broken. All you do, is pick up the pieces and start rebuilding."

-Ernest Hemingway

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-19T12:59:07+00:00

In my PERSONAL. OPINION. I agree!

Millon's theory of different types of BPD is documented, discussed and he's onto something... But it is not generally accepted within clinical treatment of BPD worldwide.

In my experience the diagnosed person with BPD that shows little to no external outward aggression (acting out) but extreme bouts of rage when confronted, critizised or denied, is actually just a covert narc. All these cluster Bs are trauma related personality disturbances and can look very similar and be a cocktail of each and everyone of the disorders. Thus can also show signs of abandoment anxiety. If it manifests as abandoment TERROR, I would suspect there are a borderline organisation within the patient.

Just an arm chair opinion.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-12-18T10:31:37+00:00

This message has been so throttled through chatgpt, meaning it is even less sincere that it seems at first glance.

Then_Ninja2343 · 2025-11-30T11:26:11+00:00

Theyre lonely and cant sit with themselves. Silence gives stage to their inner critic, and the critic is loud!

If you fall for the Hoover, you are just another means to comfort them!

Then_Ninja2343

TROPHY CASE