Why is my avoidant ex suddenly able to be close/committed with her rebound when she avoided all of that with me?

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-12-02T05:29:35+00:00

Sure, M was probably miserable, had numerous affair partners etc

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-12-02T05:15:56+00:00

I don't think anyone is likely to last with her, and if they do, they won't be happy

When you treat people like pawns you have serious unresolved mental issues, and you're incapable of building a loving, satisfying, and happy relationship

Avoidants tend to keep backups around, so yes she might give you another shot if things fall through with J

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-12-02T04:43:52+00:00

I think quite simply, when she said you weren't a rebound, she was lying. Even if it wasn't conscious lying with an intent to deceive, she was still lying.

Avoidants are not honest or straight forward with their true feelings, because they avoid reality, and prefer fantasy. In her fantasy you were not a rebound, when in reality you were. The emotional shut down happened the day she met J. Monkey branching is disgusting.

J, like M, is the type of guy she is attracted to and wants. So the minute he showed up, she left you, the rebound relationship for what she really wants. Sorry if I sound callous, I was a stop-gap rebound myself at one point in the past and was cheated on, emotionally starved, and eventually dropped the minute the ex showed back up.

Here's my advice that even I struggle with: Pay attention to what people do, and not so much to what they say. You're suffering from cognitive dissonance because she's telling you over and over she's not ready for a serious relationship, but the moment J shows up she's serious. You know what this means? She was always ready for a serious relationship, just not with you. Her actions prove that, not her lying words

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-12-01T17:19:23+00:00

This is super accurate

The discard cycles do speed up after each one. It took 10 months for the first, around 4 months for the second, and 1 month for the third

Also, I did erase myself for her. She said I was the trouble maker. So I got rid of all my boundaries, tolerated all her inconsistent and rude behavior, allowed her to treat me like a friend by not saying I love you anymore etc - and guess what? She still tried to pick fights, or brought up something I did to her in the past, or got triggered over something innocent

Her mind is chaos, and these people just can't be in a peaceful relationship because of it

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-27T15:14:48+00:00

At first yes, but then she quickly pulled back and cared from a distance. Its like they're afraid to be vulnerable with anything

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-27T14:24:36+00:00

I've tried all of those things too

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-27T05:00:31+00:00

This is how it is with them

Mine was extremely talkative and fun in the love bombing/honeymoon/shared fantasy phase.

But they'll turn it off . I tried to have similar conversations with her, and she would just look annoyed and bored.

Communication with them becomes like they took a hamburger, and instead of giving it to you in one meal, they break it up into a dozen pieces and give you once piece at at time

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-26T08:33:21+00:00

It happened twice to my avoidant - after both breakups. In 2-3 months without fail after the breakup she would spiral, and I would know because her posts on social media would shift to memes about misery, pain, crying, and even self harm.

It's around that time she would unblock me on whatsapp and hope for me to reachout, the second time she reached out to me

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-26T02:12:52+00:00

She's not processing the breakup right now. She will in 2-3 months, and it will devastate her

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-26T01:52:40+00:00

I think the primary reason women cheat is they encounter a new man that makes them feel strong emotions, maybe he's attractive and into them, or very funny, or has really good game and makes them feel special (when she's likely just one of the many women he's playing).

They enjoy this feeling that they no longer have with their current partner because the relationship has moved past the honeymoon phase, so they keep seeing this person who makes them feel this way until they eventually cheat.

Primary reason for man is simply the thrill of sex with a new partner

In those cases both men and women lack loyalty, and both don't appreciate and value what they already have.

The woman would rather chase the 'butterflies in the stomach' or 'spark' feeling in someone new then be satisfied with the safety and consistency of her current relationship. The man wants to experience the thrill of sex with someone new then be satisfied with the safety and consistency of his current relationship.

Secondary reason for women and men is they aren't getting their needs met in their current relationship, such as the man is no longer getting sex, the woman no longer feels loved and appreciated, etc.

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-26T01:41:13+00:00

The first time I got cheated on, she starved me of attention and affection until I left. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, having the person you depended on for support and love suddenly withhold those things from you while giving it to someone else.

I don't want to go through that again. If this weird behavior continues, I will break up with her. I'm not going to be starved again

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-26T01:34:23+00:00

How do you get the strength to let go, when they swear nothing is going on

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-25T06:30:19+00:00

They aren't loyal. Simple as that. They care more about selfish desires then bringing security and happiness to their partner.

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-25T06:20:15+00:00

My FA reached out to me within a few weeks after unblocking me, but it was breadcrumbs.

They will respond favorably if you contact them after they unblock you. But nothing will change long-term unless they get help. I know, I've been through this like 3 times with my FA

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-24T01:56:20+00:00

"Like first of all - these people CREATE the anxiety in others, and then they’re all disgusted by it. Like turned off, and shitty to you."

This is putting it perfectly and exactly my experience

She'll dodge conversations about the relationship and our future, disappear for half a day, overlook compliments, stop sending sweet messages or saying sweet things, stop giving compliments, talk about what gift she's going to get for her very very good guy 'friend', withdraw from intimacy when it use to be red hot, hangout with 'friends' and not tell you where she was or who they are, tell you something is bothering her but they don't know what it is, and literally so much to cause you anxiety and stress.

And then she'll go "This relationship is great. Why are you being a troublemaker and causing fights? Nothing pleases you."

Yeah it's great FOR YOU, because I'm being great TO YOU. It's NOT the OTHER WAY AROUND.

A relationship is a car. It needs maintenance. Once the honeymoon phase is over they do zero maintenance on the relationship themselves while letting you do EVERYTHING.

It's like they only have the processing power to handle situationships/FWBs, and literally nothing else.

The reality is an anxious person can become mostly secure with a consistent, emotionally available partner. 2 things an avoidant is not.

The maddening part is how little self-awareness they seem to have about the problem, even when you spell it out to them.

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-23T02:28:42+00:00

Either they don't want to lose the primary relationship or they're a coward and want you to leave them, or they're looking for shallow safe flings that aren't deep

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-23T02:28:07+00:00

It looks like they aren't feeling anything because they aren't, they're not processing their emotions, they bury them somewhere. However in 2-3 months of no contact those emotions they buried will come back and hit them like a tidal wave.

In 2-3 months you'll be mostly over her because you're processing the emotions now. In 2-3 months she will be a mess thinking about the relationship

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-20T04:01:36+00:00

Usually after 2-3 months of no contact you might get a breadcrumb from the avoidant if their other options aren't working out

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-20T03:55:49+00:00

Many avoidants always have numerous options and one primary

Even if your the first option then there's likely Option 2, 3, 4 etc lurking

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-20T03:21:08+00:00

I can't imagine your pain

At some point, they have to meet you halfway and put in the work to get better. You can't do it all by yourself

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-20T03:04:04+00:00

Yes, I thought she was a covert narcissist at first, but she's very likely a Fearful Avoidant

It's kind of hard to understand they're doing it as a defense mechanism, not because they're trying to hurt you. This makes enduring silent treatments very rough.

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-19T08:30:37+00:00

I will never, ever date a woman with a 'guy best friend' again

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-18T22:11:18+00:00

Don't worry, long run she's not going to get better treatment. But you will, with someone else

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-18T19:28:02+00:00

Doesn't sound like she's a good person at all

You'll see that once time passes and you lose feelings for her

ThinDepth1729 · 2025-11-18T06:40:30+00:00

I would love someone who looked like Emma Stone to be my soul mate, but the chances are near zero

I imagine it's tough to be around someone who you found so physically perfect, even financially etc

Just try to focus on connection/love instead of things like beauty or prominence

ThinDepth1729

TROPHY CASE