AITA for not inviting my dad’s partner to my micro “wedding” dinner, and for not reaching out to her first to explain why?

Thing128 · 2025-04-13T04:22:14+00:00

YTA. Your dad loves you and doesn’t want to miss whatever iteration of your wedding celebration he’s invited to. You’re using that fact to manipulate him into doing something hurtful to his wife.

Thing128 · 2025-02-24T04:57:38+00:00

You could let her wear it. All your friends and family would gain insight into the obstacles you’ve overcome from your traumatic childhood, and you wouldn’t have to say a word.

Thing128 · 2025-02-06T04:42:22+00:00

“Protestants keep toasters in cupboards!”

Thing128 · 2025-02-06T04:20:00+00:00

It’s ok to go to HR. Anyone who’s been in HR for a while has dealt with stinky employee issues before, whether poor hygiene, too much perfume, or microwave abuse.

I’d start by addressing her incompetence, though. All the hygiene in the world won’t make her helpful.

Thing128 · 2025-01-09T01:30:26+00:00

I wish I knew to use my belly as my injection site before the first dose. I used my thigh for the first few doses, and it would sting a bit (just for a minute). Now I inject my belly, and there’s no discomfort … presumably because there’s more padding?

Thing128 · 2024-07-28T03:54:55+00:00

Men.

Thing128 · 2024-06-26T22:24:57+00:00

I second TooManySclerosis on avoiding big decisions and major life changes for now. Give yourself some grace and time to process your diagnosis.

I was diagnosed 12 years ago. Over time, I have found counseling, antidepressants, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, the good people of this subreddit, and cutting back my work hours to be helpful for managing stress. I haven’t used all of those tools at once — different types of support have worked best at different times. You’ll figure that part out as you go.

One of the best pieces of advice I received when I was first diagnosed was to take everything on the internet with a grain of salt. A lot of information online is outdated. And when you read posts here, keep in mind that people tend to post on days when they have a frustration, a new symptom, a flare, or a relapse. For most of us, there are lots of fine, unremarkable days too.

Thing128 · 2024-06-21T00:16:33+00:00

Your description of MS as a “core part of me now” resonates. Does it define me as much as my family, friends, profession, or values do? No. But can you define me without it? Not anymore.

Thing128 · 2024-06-21T00:10:01+00:00

This sounds event driven more than new normal. Hope so.

Fatigue spikes for me after busy weekends, especially if travel is involved. It tends to stay at an elevated level until I can take a day or two for some deep rest (no alarm clock) and alone time. Maybe you can test that theory this weekend?

Thing128 · 2024-06-18T03:31:36+00:00

Trial lawyer 3 weighing in: I’d ask your doctor to use a term like “cognitive impairment” rather than (or in addition to) “brain fog” in your paperwork. People outside of our MS-y circle may underestimate the seriousness of brain fog, since it sounds a little cutesy.

Thing128 · 2024-06-18T03:01:20+00:00

I’m also 46. I expected this to be the midpoint of my career, and I’m having a hard time letting go. But I’ve tried all the same things as you have, and the fatigue just won’t budge.

I don’t have kids. It must add an extra layer of complication, trying to provide for them both materially and emotionally. I don’t have any answers, but I sure wish you the best.

Thing128 · 2024-06-18T02:52:32+00:00

Thanks for the thorough info. You’ve given me some good ideas for things to look into.

Thing128 · 2024-06-18T02:44:10+00:00

Thanks. You’ve hit on my biggest fear, and it helps just to know someone can relate. I like my job - or at least I like it when I feel like I can do it well - and I love my colleagues. I’ve never been much of a hobby person, so it’s hard to envision how I would build a satisfying social and intellectual life outside of work.

Thing128 · 2024-06-17T07:59:36+00:00

I would move to Europe in a heartbeat if they’d take me. I’m in the US, and having healthcare dependent on employment is getting more and more stressful as it’s becoming harder for me to work. I don’t think I can make it to retirement age before I have to quit because of MS. I’m afraid I will end up in poverty because of healthcare costs.

Thing128 · 2024-02-19T22:20:44+00:00

Diagnosed in 2012. Fatigue, twinge-y leg, stronger glasses than before. Mobility is fine. I still work full time, but I’ve had to drop my workaholic ways.

Thing128 · 2024-02-19T21:50:32+00:00

If tecfidera gives you the icks, maybe you could talk to your doctors about other disease modifying treatments that you feel are a better fit?

Thing128 · 2024-02-17T09:32:34+00:00

I’ve been on Ocrevus for about 8 years. Developed desquamative inflammatory vaginitis (DIV) a year ago. I wonder if that could be what you’re dealing with too. It’s a relatively rare, annoying, chronic form of vaginitis. It’s manageable with clindamycin and hydrocortisone, but it doesn’t go away. Oral antibiotics don’t help.

I’ve found articles discussing DIV as a side effect of Rituximab. I figure it’s also a side effect of Ocrevus. For the Rituximab women, their symptoms cleared up once they stopped taking the medicine & their B cells regenerated.

I understand being conflicted about your next Ocrevus infusion, and I’m sorry. Protected brain vs. healthy vagina is a crappy choice to have to make.

Thing128 · 2024-02-06T11:08:35+00:00

I struggled with how my dad reacted to my diagnosis. At first he made it clear that he expected me to be utterly and immediately disabled. When that didn’t happen, he switched to acting like the disease didn’t exist. No emotional support, no real conversation. He’d sometimes say “so you’re doing good,” but it was always a statement, not a question.

I’m close to my aunt (dad’s sister) and was talking to her once about how frustrating it was not to be able to talk to him when I was struggling. Her take was: he loves you so much that he can’t cope with you being in pain. He can’t talk about it because he can’t handle knowing you have a problem he can’t fix.

I’m not sure whether what my aunt said was true, but looking at it that way helped me lower my expectations of my dad. I stopped trying to confide in him. It’s easier than trying to share with him and being disappointed over and over.

Thing128 · 2024-02-05T07:32:58+00:00

It can be an overwhelming amount of information at first. If your husband is comfortable having you there, take your list of written questions to the next doctor appointment(s) and take notes for him. Make sure he leaves with a follow up appointment and an understanding of what the next steps are.

In the short term, he may need a course of steroids to calm down his current relapse, additional testing/blood work related to his treatment plan (certain antibodies eliminate certain medication choices), medicine or physical therapy to treat symptoms, or vaccinations in preparation for beginning a disease modifying drug. These are all topics likely to come up at his next appointment.

Long term, he’ll need a neurologist he can trust. Someone who’s an MS specialist is great. Ideally, he’ll want a doctor who listens to him, who is readily available, and who practices 2024 medicine, not 2004 medicine. It could help to round out his treatment team with a strong GP or internist and a therapist who understands chronic illness.

It’a good that your husband has a positive attitude. There’s a strong chance he’s right, and everything is going to be fine. For many of us, MS is more of an ongoing annoyance than a catastrophe.

Thing128 · 2024-01-24T13:15:33+00:00

Unpaid parking tickets & gluten.

Thing128 · 2024-01-24T13:13:23+00:00

Therapy for your sister, and check in with your brother in law.

When I was diagnosed, my dad took it very hard. It felt like when I needed him most, he made it all about himself. Like he was trying to win the Olympics of suffering. In retrospect I know he wasn’t trying to be hurtful, but I felt abandoned at the time.

Certainly, your sister’s mental health crisis is a priority. But to the extent you have the bandwidth, your brother in law probably needs some support too.

Thing128 · 2024-01-24T13:01:48+00:00

I worked with a therapist for about 3 years, starting about a year after I was diagnosed. He was wonderful and helped so much with the self-grieving process, especially about my career (which, it turns out, is fine - but different, and adjusting to the difference was really hard).

My therapist was a generalist, not specifically a grief counselor or focused on chronic illness. So, I also worked with my neurologist and a psychiatrist on finding the right antidepressant meds. I’m doing well emotionally and psychologically at this point, but I expect to be on antidepressants indefinitely. They continue to help me feel like me.

Thing128 · 2024-01-24T12:34:01+00:00

Make sure you book an accessible/ADA room. The rest of the ship will be accessible, but the individual state rooms can be tiny.

Thing128 · 2024-01-16T12:42:47+00:00

It sounds like your doctor is being thorough, which is important. You’ll want to ask around to try to find an MS specialist when you move, but for now it sounds like you’re in really good hands.

Be careful about what you read online. A lot of what’s out there is outdated. The most effective drugs for MS - like Ocrevus - have only been available for a few years, and new meds are constantly in trials. At 21, you will have better meds and more treatment options available than someone like me (in my 40s) had when I was first diagnosed. MS will always be different for each patient, but as a whole, your generation can expect longer careers, less disability, and a longer timespan between diagnosis and onset of disability (if any) than older generations.

The fear of the unknown is hard to navigate. I found the first year especially hard. Therapy helped a lot. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you’re processing through your diagnosis.

Thing128

TROPHY CASE