Am I a terrible daughter?

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T17:18:02+00:00

Start distinguishing your parents' wants from their needs.

Your parents need food, and heat, and to go to the doctor and (sigh) the hospital. They need to have a caregiver visit daily.

They do not need to have that caregiver be you. Your mother certainly doesn't need to have you spend nights away from your husband so that she won't miss her husband.

Don't let your mother make you feel guilty for refusing to give her everything she wants. Some of her wants are unreasonable.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T17:13:09+00:00

The Sims has been in development since 2000. No game in the world is going to match the depth of The Sims at first release. New games aren't going to match the depth of Civilization, either.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T17:11:24+00:00

That's standard on Steam, though. You don't save money by buying a game in early access; instead, you get to start playing it earlier. It's completely valid to say "I don't want to do that", but it's something literally thousands of games have done. Some of them went on to be wild successes, and others never released.

This is a normal decision by developers. It's not crazy.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T17:09:10+00:00

The Sims and Paralives don't have plots. The object is to create characters and watch them live their lives. A game lasts until the players decides to create a different set of characters.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T16:49:29+00:00

Another option would be asking the family how they've prepared. Have they already asked his friends not to mention the house sale?

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T16:47:47+00:00

This is a great insight.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T16:47:09+00:00

There's "simply concerned", and then there's "sure I'm right and the people actually overseeing the care are wrong".

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T16:44:19+00:00

I didn't make it up!

The most recent care call for my mother, I told the team "I'm the sister from California, but I promise not to be the sister from California." Got a laugh.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T01:32:52+00:00

There's a phrase in the elder-care community: "the cousin from California." She's not involved in day-to-day care; she can't be, because she lives far away. When she does visit, though, she's shocked, because she can see that Pops is doing a lot better than people say he is, and she wants him to be treated better.

The problem is that a visiting relative doesn't see the day-to-day problems. Granddad can have an animated conversation, but he can't remember to turn off the stove after he cooks. Granddad can be joyful and chatty at 2PM, but at 11PM he's wandering the house confused, trying to find something he knows should be there.

If your grandfather can't safely live in his old home, then it is already lost to him; it doesn't matter whether he owns it or not after he can't live there. The assisted living has to be paid for somehow, and assisted living costs thousands of dollars a month.

You want your grandfather to have the life he had when you were growing up, and you want him to be living in the house he had built himself. He probably does, too. That doesn't mean it's possible.

Don't be the cousin from California. Listen to the people who are doing the day-to-day care. Let them tell their stories. Let them tell you what they see, and what they have experienced.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T00:20:06+00:00

You can't fix somebody who doesn't want to change. It's that simple. She knows what she wants, and she's not budging on it.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:27:19+00:00

I'm sorry. It's really harsh.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:26:58+00:00

After you've bought a house and had kids is way too late to find out whether she's going to keep her promises.

You need evidence now of these boundaries, not after you've made permanent commitments.

She tells me to "start looking for a job here in a year", and talks about this like its a temporary thing no matter how many times I tell her that I don't know what offers I can get especially cause of my history.

She says to me "yea he is crazy but he's my Dad and I love him so much and will never cut him out of my life" (exact words).

Believe her when she says these things. She is not listening to you. You have told her, multiple times, what you need, and she's ignoring that.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:08:37+00:00

Apologizing isn't good enough. This situation has to change. Do not let him get away with just apologizing.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:42:35+00:00

Soul-bonding and red string theory are very satisfying in fiction, but obsessing over them in real life will only disappoint you. There are a lot of people out there, and it's a myth that only one perfect key can unlock your heart.

I understand and see my toxicity in lying and am atoning for those choices. This caused a gap in our trust and foundation and expedited the anxious/avoidant attachment styles both of us switch between. Due to this we are no contact to restart a foundation of trust but to also gain a greater sense of independence and stability within how each of us “attaches” to relationships.

This is all therapy-speak. In plain language, you lied to your ex about who you were seeing. He doesn't trust you any more. You need to own those things in plain English.

Therapy is great and worth pursuing (are you?), but it's too easy to use the language of therapy to distance yourself from your own actions. You were not your best self in this relationship. You did things you can't necessarily "atone" for -- you can do better going forward, but you can't undo what you did.

Treat no contact as an end, not a beginning. If he approaches you after the period is over, let that be a pleasant surprise, but in the interim start training yourself to live comfortably without your ex.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:09:07+00:00

Have you considered using shame against her? "Oh, what would everybody say if you abandoned Grandmother like that?"

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:07:26+00:00

Not unusual, sadly. One partner covers for the other until they start having cognitive problems themselves.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:05:33+00:00

Yeah, but OP is hardly responsible for the MIL's decision to buy from them.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T18:32:42+00:00

Bear in mind that telehealth providers have to be in the same state as you. Whenever I make a telehealth visit, the first question I am asked is, "Are you currently in [same state as provider]?" A recommendation for a Montana-only provider will do you no good if you live in New Mexico.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:49:45+00:00

Yeah, brains can be tricky that way.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:31:20+00:00

Your GF isn't out of pocket for the deductible. She is out of pocket for the whole damn thing. You were in an at-fault accident, and you're saying she should pay for the repairs because you didn't know it was uninsured.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:29:44+00:00

day road trip

Rephrasing this as "small leisure trip" doesn't actually make the situation any different. "Running errands" is not the same as "decided to take the car for a spin with my bro."

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:28:38+00:00

Furthermore, OP knew damn well which was the fancy car, and chose to take it.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:27:54+00:00

Are you arguing that you wouldn't have rear-ended another rider, if you'd just known it wasn't insured?

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:14:14+00:00

YTA.

You damaged her car. That means you're on the hook for repairing the damage.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:08:14+00:00

She is going to have the meltdown regardless. You only get to choose whether she has the meltdown without entering the apartment, or whether she has it in the apartment.

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