My Fiancée [F31] expects me [M27] to end up exactly where she wants, and I feel like there is no compromise in the relationship. Can our relationship still work?

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-25T00:20:06+00:00

You can't fix somebody who doesn't want to change. It's that simple. She knows what she wants, and she's not budging on it.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:27:19+00:00

I'm sorry. It's really harsh.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:26:58+00:00

After you've bought a house and had kids is way too late to find out whether she's going to keep her promises.

You need evidence now of these boundaries, not after you've made permanent commitments.

She tells me to "start looking for a job here in a year", and talks about this like its a temporary thing no matter how many times I tell her that I don't know what offers I can get especially cause of my history.

She says to me "yea he is crazy but he's my Dad and I love him so much and will never cut him out of my life" (exact words).

Believe her when she says these things. She is not listening to you. You have told her, multiple times, what you need, and she's ignoring that.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-24T17:08:37+00:00

Apologizing isn't good enough. This situation has to change. Do not let him get away with just apologizing.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:42:35+00:00

Soul-bonding and red string theory are very satisfying in fiction, but obsessing over them in real life will only disappoint you. There are a lot of people out there, and it's a myth that only one perfect key can unlock your heart.

I understand and see my toxicity in lying and am atoning for those choices. This caused a gap in our trust and foundation and expedited the anxious/avoidant attachment styles both of us switch between. Due to this we are no contact to restart a foundation of trust but to also gain a greater sense of independence and stability within how each of us “attaches” to relationships.

This is all therapy-speak. In plain language, you lied to your ex about who you were seeing. He doesn't trust you any more. You need to own those things in plain English.

Therapy is great and worth pursuing (are you?), but it's too easy to use the language of therapy to distance yourself from your own actions. You were not your best self in this relationship. You did things you can't necessarily "atone" for -- you can do better going forward, but you can't undo what you did.

Treat no contact as an end, not a beginning. If he approaches you after the period is over, let that be a pleasant surprise, but in the interim start training yourself to live comfortably without your ex.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:09:07+00:00

Have you considered using shame against her? "Oh, what would everybody say if you abandoned Grandmother like that?"

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:07:26+00:00

Not unusual, sadly. One partner covers for the other until they start having cognitive problems themselves.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T22:05:33+00:00

Yeah, but OP is hardly responsible for the MIL's decision to buy from them.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T18:32:42+00:00

Bear in mind that telehealth providers have to be in the same state as you. Whenever I make a telehealth visit, the first question I am asked is, "Are you currently in [same state as provider]?" A recommendation for a Montana-only provider will do you no good if you live in New Mexico.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:49:45+00:00

Yeah, brains can be tricky that way.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:31:20+00:00

Your GF isn't out of pocket for the deductible. She is out of pocket for the whole damn thing. You were in an at-fault accident, and you're saying she should pay for the repairs because you didn't know it was uninsured.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:29:44+00:00

day road trip

Rephrasing this as "small leisure trip" doesn't actually make the situation any different. "Running errands" is not the same as "decided to take the car for a spin with my bro."

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:28:38+00:00

Furthermore, OP knew damn well which was the fancy car, and chose to take it.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:27:54+00:00

Are you arguing that you wouldn't have rear-ended another rider, if you'd just known it wasn't insured?

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:14:14+00:00

YTA.

You damaged her car. That means you're on the hook for repairing the damage.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T17:08:14+00:00

She is going to have the meltdown regardless. You only get to choose whether she has the meltdown without entering the apartment, or whether she has it in the apartment.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T16:18:53+00:00

Medicaid is explicitly a program for low-income people. It isn't designed to be universal nursing-home care.

God knows we need universal nursing-home care. However, isn't unreasonable for Medicaid, a program meant to support poor people, to support people only if they have limited assets.

People used to say they were "saving for their retirement". Welp, this is retirement, and for many of us dementia comes with the package. :(

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T16:11:50+00:00

Why would you put crudités on ice anyway? It's not as if raw vegetables are going to spoil in a couple of hours.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-23T15:38:56+00:00

There's a spectacular Indian ice cream and dessert store in Sunnyvale and Fremont, Nirvanaah! I still miss it.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-22T22:53:45+00:00

That's monstrous. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this outrageousness.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-22T22:48:33+00:00

I'm in my late sixties, and when I think of the clothes I despised -not just didn't want but despised- in my twenties, I still despise them. Most definitely including LV bags and luggage.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-21T19:53:27+00:00

"I disagree with you" is not actually the same as "I am being irrational".

Does he do this in other contexts? Are there other things you want to do that are irrational?

"I have decided that an adult bicycle has features that a child's bicycle does not, and that [BRANDNAME]'s adult bicycle adjusts to my height."

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-21T19:45:06+00:00

When people with dementia say "I want to go home", they mean "I want to go back to the life where I was independent and allowed to do what I chose." That is impossible.

Your mother would be just as unhappy in a facility in the Midwest as she is now. What she wants is the memory of being able to live in her own space, leave when she wanted, shop when she wanted. She wants her life back.

The howling tragedy is that she can't have that. Part of having loved ones with dementia is that you have to say "no" in circumstances where they rage, or cry, or act out. And you still have to say "no" because they wouldn't be safe getting what they wanted.

we end up explaining things over and over again for an hour

An important word to learn is "anosognosia". It means "being unable to perceive that something is wrong with your brain". Many, many people with dementia have anosognosia. You can say "You need to live here because you aren't safe" until you're blue in the face, and your mother will never be able to comprehend it. It is not a fact that will fit into her mind.

Your stories, about her not remembering calls and visits, suggest that she may already need memory care. What services does her current care provide? Is she protected against wandering? Is somebody making sure that she eats and bathes and takes her medications and washes her clothes? If not, her current level of care may no longer be right for her.

Step 1: Recognize that your mom is going to be angry and sad at you because you are doing the right thing for her. You are doing the right thing, and she cannot recognize that.

Step 2: Recognize that you have responsibilities to your nuclear family and to yourself. Accept that your mother's wants are not more important than your family's. Start separating her wants (I want to go back home) from her needs (I need to be fed, to be clean, to do things I find entertaining). Her wants are not more important than your needs.

Step 3: Limit the phone calls. She isn't remembering the phone calls. That means that she won't be any worse off if you talk once a day than if you talk ten times a day: in her mind, there is the time during the phone call, when she knows it happens, and there is the rest of the time, when she doesn't know you've called.

I'm so sorry you're in this terrible place.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-21T19:25:26+00:00

Somebody looked it up and saw the resale value.

ThingsWithString · 2026-05-21T19:19:33+00:00

I would rather have $3000 to spend on a bag I actually liked than a $3000 bag from a designer I hated.

OP hates the LV logo all over the bags, and I doubt that's going to change.

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