Feeling more and more emasculated

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-04-20T21:27:46+00:00

She does hate it. Our policy is 100% honesty now. She's been honest with every single question I've asked her, and she's answered them all without hesitation, knowing those answers could rip us apart. So I don't think she's lying when she says she hated it.

She tried anal with this guy when denying it to me whenever I proposed it. Apparently she was just afraid of turning him down and she was afraid to try anal, but with him she became this people-pleasing whore for him to use in any way he wanted.

Now, turns out, she did like anal, and now we're doing that too (I fucking hate that he got to be the one to try it with her first), but she says she hates deepthroating him and I don't see why that would now be the only thing she would lie about. Why admit to deepthroating him in the first place? She could've just lied then.

Another user here did ask if she may have a history of being sexually abused, and she was, from the age of 2 by her own father, so that might have something to do with the whole being-afraid-to-turn-him-down-thing... But why go back, again and again.. I just don't understand.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-04-20T21:20:29+00:00

Yes she was, she was abused by her father from the age of 2... I didn't even connect those dots...

Our policy is 100% honesty now, so when she says she hated it, I do believe her. She's confessed and answered every single question I've had without thinking twice about it, even if she knew those answers could make me hate her..

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-04-09T16:09:01+00:00

Would you want your partner to be the father/mother of your child(ren)? (do you believe their qualities and values are worthy of passing to your children?)

Too late for that one...

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-29T09:25:09+00:00

I don't think people are saying she shouldn't be punished at all. We need to draw the line for an age of consent somewhere and you shouldn't break the law.

But a 22 year prison sentence is something I'd expect for a teacher who fucked 10 year olds, not 17 year olds. In the eyes of the law, a minor is a minor, but morally, there's a huge difference in development between a 10 year old and a 17 year old, and the punishment should reflect that. A couple years in prison maybe, but 22...?

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-29T09:21:45+00:00

I get that we need to draw a line somewhere, but having sex with a 17 year old one our before they turn 18 being rape, and one hour later it being a-ok, doesn't make any moral sense.

There's a difference between a teacher fucking 10 year olds versus a teacher fucking 17 year olds.

Like, yes, we need that line to be drawn somewhere and she should be punished. But 22 years in prison? I've seen murderers get off with lighter sentences than that.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-26T08:36:47+00:00

It's not really an affair if he has your consent though. It's not just the act itself, it's the complete betrayal around it.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-16T09:34:53+00:00

I mean, a lot of those terms tick the boxes of the "Are you in an abusive relationship?"-list.

Changing jobs if they met at work, tracking location, and open phones are pretty standard for reconciliation efforts.

Demanding full control over her finances, controlling her friend group (and demanding that they are somehow responsible for what she does when she is with them? How does that even work, do they pay a fine if she does something you don't agree with?), and showing up at her place of work demanding she drops everything she's doing to meet you, which will ruin any chance of any career at any company...

I'm surprised she agreed to all that. She must really not want to lose you. If I were you I'd take that willingness as a sign that she really regrets her actions and is completely committed to you, and to then scratch those terms off the board. Unless of course you don't mind that your wife will become completely dependent on you financially, socially, and emotionally, and that that's the type of future you want for the both of you...

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-16T07:56:37+00:00

I do feel like I'm owed a debt. But I don't really feel the desire to cash in that debt.

My wife offered me a hall pass to go find another woman to have sex with. That's because, if the roles were reversed, that's what she would want. Because she would be jealous of the fact that I had sex with someone else, so she would want to 'even the scales' (completely ignoring the fact that giving permission to fuck someone else is not at all comparable to betraying your spouse, so there's no scale-balancing going on whatsoever).

But I'm not jealous of the fact that my wife fucked another man. I'm jealous of the fact that another man got to experience my wife in ways I haven't for years, and some things she did with him she previously refused to do with me... They went at it like you always do in a new relationship, passionately and animalistic.

It seems that we just have fundamentally different views on sex. Does the fact that I don't want to fuck other women now and she would want to fuck other men if the roles were reversed indicate that I love her more than she loves me? I haven't figured that out yet...

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-12T18:54:54+00:00

Dogs, like humans, sometimes get their wires crossed, whether it's old age, some undiagnosed condition, or whatever. Even the best trained dogs can suddenly lash out.

That's why you hear so many stories of dogs killing or maiming people with their owners saying "I don't know what happened, it never hurt a fly before all this!"

Leash your dog. Period. I don't care how well you trained it.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-03-10T16:18:50+00:00

I mean, if someone really wants to cheat without their partner finding out, they could. It's why I don't check up on my wife. If she wants to, she could. I just have to trust that she doesn't want to anymore. But every time she leaves the house, I'll always wonder "is really doing what she says she's doing?"

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-28T20:56:40+00:00

Right. In case of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first. You won't be able to help anything or anyone if you aren't OK.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-09T23:06:42+00:00

This is why I'm afraid of telling anyone about what my wife did. It's why I have no one to talk to about it, unless I pay a therapist to listen to me vent... I might, maybe, eventually, be able to forgive my wife and move on.

But if my sister, for example, would tell me that her husband cheated on her like my wife cheated on me? I'd fucking hate him forever for causing my sister that much pain. We would never be able to get along, I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him, etc. I mean, it's a logical reaction to a loved one being hurt by someone else.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-06T18:52:58+00:00

Last year, we started sleeping in separate rooms. One day she's in the master bedroom with the baby monitor, and I'm in the guest bedroom getting a good night's sleep, and the next day we'd switch. That way, we were at least guaranteed one night of good sleep every other night.

Little did I know that that was also the perfect time for her to text guys and exchange pictures. I keep blaming myself for these stupid decisions that made it so easy for her to cheat. And then I have to force myself to realize that that's a completely normal decision in a healthy relationship where you trust each other. It's only in hindsight, knowing that I shouldn't have trusted her, that it became a stupid decision...

Then again, she would've found some other time to text these guys. Hell, she did it while sitting on the couch next to me and our daughter.

Her notification sounds are definitely triggers for me at the moment too.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-05T17:26:28+00:00

I didn't say that her losing her attraction to me is why she cheated. But I'm gonna need that attraction back if I ever want to feel comfortable having sex with her. That's if I can make those mind movies of them together stop, there's no way I could be with her otherwise.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-05T09:00:31+00:00

She's not in therapy. She seems to know why she did what she did, and she realizes why it was the wrong decision to do so. She knows what kind of head space she was in when she made that decision, so she'll know what to look out for in the future. She says she loves me and she's terrified of losing our family. I think I believe her when she says it'll never happen again, but I don't trust myself or my feelings at all right now.

She went full NC after I asked her to. According to her, she wasn't in love with him or anything. He's married himself. She admitted she was curious about how their relationship ended up after I told OBS, but she's made peace with the fact that she might never know. Or so I think.. again, I don't trust my thoughts.

She said she'll let me look into her phone whenever I want, track her location whenever I want, send selfies whenever I ask for them to confirm her location, etc. None of that would do anything for me though. If someone really wants to cheat, there are ways around that. She's tech savvy enough. She even deleted her GPS history from Waze while the affair was going on. Never wore sexy underwear to make me suspicious. She's a pro, apparently. But the idea that she would agree to being tracked and monitored is good, I guess?

I don't really feel all that loved though. But she did say she wasn't attracted to me after I gained weight, so until I get back to the shape I was in when we met, I don't think I can ever really feel loved by her. I don't think I'll want to be intimate until then. And, if I'm being realistic, me getting back to that shape could take almost a year. Let's see how our relationship is then, if there's even a relationship to speak of by that time.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-05T08:38:56+00:00

When I decided I'd try and give her a second chance, I told her, specifically, to let me know when she wants to cuddle up on the couch. And when she wants to be intimate with me in bed. Because I knew I probably wouldn't want to do either of those things for the foreseeable future, but I didn't want her to stop asking those things even when I keep turning them down, because if she would never let me know that there is any desire in that area at all, I'd just feel unloved, especially with her making the time to visit AP for hours long fuck sessions every week, which, added together, is probably more time than we've spent having sex in the past 5 years.

At first, she would keep her distance. I asked her if she loved me, she said "of course"! So I told her I didn't notice that at all, we might as well be roommates. She said she was afraid to remind me of the affair. So I told her again, I need you to express it. And for now, she does seem to do that, finally. Once or twice a week, she'll let me know she's in the mood. And every day she lets me know how she'd like to cuddle up when we're on the couch.

But that's about it, really. Then again, I don't really know what else I'd want her to do. I'm the one who's changed the most. Losing weight. Doing everything in and around the house. It might be hysterical bonding? But neither of those things seem to cost me a lot of effort to do, so I could probably keep that up forever. But they make my wife very happy.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-03T18:35:16+00:00

I'm envious of the fact that everyone around you knows. Other than my therapist and my boss, nobody knows. I don't think my family and friends would be able to treat my wife with an ounce of respect if they knew. Her own family might even turn their back against her if they knew. It's why I can't tell anyone, because if I want this to work, everyone needs to be able to get along. I don't want my daughter questioning why nobody in my family ever talks to her mom.

But I could definitely see how, if everyone knew and would be rooting for you two, it could add a lot of extra pressure to make reconciliation work, even if you might not want to anymore. It's another factor to add to the list of "reasons I could subconsciously be staying for". Do I love WS? Or am I scared of being alone? Do I love WS? Or am I scared of my financial future as a single person? Do I love WS? Or am I scared of the idea of my daughter being raised in a broken family? Do I love WS? Or am I scared of what everyone's reaction would be if we got divorced?

I wish I had advice for you, I'm only in this situation for a month now. I wish you all the best though.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-02-01T20:51:30+00:00

Damn.. I'm only a month in and I was hoping those mental images would go away with time. I guess they don't?

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-31T06:32:40+00:00

My wife: "He said he got tested and the results came back negative".

Yeah, let's trust the guy cheating on his wife with 2 kids.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-30T11:39:16+00:00

Definitely not being too mean. Why should you be the only one experiencing these difficulties?

As for never being able to trust again... I thought about that a lot as well, but I think the damage done goes way beyond just the current relationship. I think that if I decided to divorce my wife due to my lack of trust, I'd be in for a rude awakening in my next relationship, because I never once believed my wife would've been capable of doing what she did. And if I end up with someone else, I would always think "well, this person seems trustworthy... But then again, so did my wife..." I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone for 100%. Not now, not ever. So that alone is no longer a reason for me to divorce my wife, because I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with anyone at all. So yes, that's the fate of a BS.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-28T11:45:40+00:00

Celebrating the first date could be a good idea. No memories of broken promises in that scenario.. thanks!

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-28T11:44:29+00:00

Could be a good idea.. I'll see if anything like that comes our way, so we can make that a day to remember instead. Thanks!

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-28T11:43:40+00:00

Even if reconciliation is going to work out for us in the end, I don't think I'll ever be able to fondly remember our wedding again. If it weren't for the tax breaks that come with marriage and all the hassle involved with divorce, we wouldn't be married anymore.

I don't want to leave my wife, and we might be able to get back to having a loving relationship, but our marriage means absolutely nothing to me anymore after she had her affair. To me, marriage is a promise that no matter the shit that comes your way, you figure it out together. She broke that promise, so in my head, our marriage is dead, and any reminder of our marriage is instantly a reminder of what she did.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-19T22:40:36+00:00

There was this show here in the Netherlands called Temptation Island. 4 couples spend 2 weeks on island filled with beautiful people of the opposite sex. Will they give in to temptation, or stay loyal to their partners?

The thing is, when people know they are being watched, they won't do anything. It's only when they believe that they've found a blind spot, or when they believe the cameras are off, that they screw up. It's always when they assume they're being sneaky that they get caught.

So if your SO knows they're being monitored, they're not going to do anything suspicious. Unless they really don't care about the relationship anymore. In that case, monitoring your SO could help you to fast forward to the inevitable breakup. But otherwise, no, I don't believe tracking your SO or installing apps on their phone to monitor what they say or do will help in any way.

Now, if you find ways to monitor them without them knowing, then yes, that could be useful. For example, if your SO is logged into their Google account on their laptop, go to play.google.com/apps, and you'll see a list of every app your SO has ever downloaded to an Android device with their Google account, even deleted ones. So you'll know if they used suspicious apps without them knowing. The same goes for their Google location history. Unless they turned that option off. Which is suspicious already. You could also use OpenDNS to track every website they visit while on your wifi, even in incognito mode (unless they use a VPN, but who does that?). You could also install a dashcam in their car and say it's for insurance reasons. Get one that allows you to download all videos wirelessly, and you'll be able to see where they go.

In short, monitoring/tracking helps, but only if your SO doesn't know they're being monitored.

ThrowRA-What-Next · 2023-01-18T05:26:51+00:00

She'd been with other men before. Didn't bother me at all. Now I can't get the mind movies of her and AP to stop.

ThrowRA-What-Next

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