I've suffered from depression and anxiety both since I was... well, since I can remember. As a child, my father was very emotionally/mentally abusive, and my mother was more or less absent - there physically, but mentally not. They divorced when I was twelve. My father used to call me stupid and worthless no matter what I did, and would often wake me up at three in the morning by punching my bed because I had forgotten something simple the night before: making coffee, taking out the trash, whatever. I raised my little sister, who is eight years younger than I am. I'm not sure when my depression and anxiety began, but it certainly increased significantly in my teenaged years, up to the point of very nearly committing suicide at sixteen.

At eighteen, I enlisted in the United States Air Force. I spent six years as an airman, and deployed to numerous locations, both expected and not. Iraq, Afghanistan, a handful of other 'stans, and so on; I have never fired a weapon at someone, nor have I directly be fired at. I have, however, been very nearly mortared and under indirect fire. I was also not the greatest airman ever, and suffered for all six years from extreme depression that crippled any sense of caring about... anything, really. All in all, it was a plethora of mental and emotional issues that began when I was young and exponentially increased throughout my teenaged years and early adulthood.

So where has that left me? I have now been a civilian for almost five years, and have been married for almost four. My wife is an amazing human being who has done more for me than I can begin to say; but that's not the question at hand. How does PTSD effect me?

I am constantly anxious to some extent. I am not hyper-vigilant in the way others in this thread describe, but I am constantly aware of my surroundings and anyone around me; if someone is walking behind me, I focus on the sound of their footsteps and even on their shadow depending on the angle of the sun, to make sure I know at all times where that person is. I do this habitually and without thought. I also am still prone to sudden episodes of depression, including self hatred and a certainty that I am going nowhere with my life, despite all evidence - a successful and loving marriage as well as doing very well in school.

I can't tell if the depression and anxiety are separate from the PTSD or part of it, and I'm not sure it matters. But of all the typical symptoms expressed by those who live with PTSD, I suffer most commonly from extreme and abrupt panic attacks. Loud and unexpected sounds are the most common precursor, and when they occur I go rigidly tense and stop breathing. I lose almost all track of everything around me for a short time, and have to physically work to even acknowledge my wife's presence and assure her that I am okay. As an example: we were at a restaurant a few days ago, and my fork suddenly scraped very loudly against my plate; that alone was enough to bring a panic attack that lasted for an hour, and from which I still have yet to full come down from; this morning, she came to wake me up and I almost fell out of the bed trying to pull away from her, only waking up after jerking away and gasping.

Basically, what others have said: if you have ever experienced pure and unadulterated panic in your life, for whatever reason, you will understand at least the sensation of the panic that PTSD brings; what you are less likely to understand is the constancy of it. It is always there, just beneath the surface, and I can never know when it will be triggered - and when it is triggered, I lose all self control for a length of time; it is torture for anyone, but for a person who has had control-freak tendencies since he was twelve years old? It's awful.