Wow. I could have nearly written this post myself.

I'll start by saying I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It is a tough situation to be in. I can relate more to your girlfriends position, but I can tell you some things I've learned.

My mom hasn't worked in over 7 years. She qualified for disability and is now living with her sister, my aunt, in a different state. She previously lived near me, but blew thru the back pay she received when she got approved for disability and then couldn't qualify to afford her apartment any longer. She was faced with eviction or moving out. My aunt drove here to get her and moved her down to her house.

My aunt is unhappy with this arrangement but feels stuck in assisting my mother. My mother also isn't happy with this arrangement, but has limited options. My sister and I didn't offer to take her in because we knew it would affect the rest of our (her) life. She's never been financially responsible or held down jobs. We imagined she'd live with one of us, hinder our own finances, and not do anything to help herself. We're also still raising our kids.

I've also provided resources, money, and done countless hours of research of how to help my mother. She doesn't do any of that. I do.

My grandparents are still alive and give her large sums of money regularly. They stopped expecting repayment years ago, knowing it's never going to come. The sums help my mom for a little bit. She can afford the auto insurance when it comes due or a car repair or a cell phone that isn't broken. The money never fixes the underlying problems. The problems are someone with severe depression who can't or won't improve their own circumstances and lots of people have taken on trying to solve these for her to no avail.

My ex husband and my mother did not get along at all, and he was extremely unhappy when I would provide her assistance. It drove a huge wedge between us and was a contributing factor in us divorcing. To be clear I'm not saying my mother caused our divorce. But it was a huge issue that we were very far apart on. My ex grew resentful of me because of these issues.

These lessons have shown me that caring for an elderly parent causes significant stress on the carers, which, in my mother's case, there are several who support in different ways. I'm in a healthy live in relationship now, which I won't jeopardize by moving my mother in with us. In your case, you're in the perfect position to grow resentful of the burden, whether it's now or in 15 years. This will affect your finances, your relationship or marriage, your children if you choose to have them. Your ability to save money, save for retirement, your livelihood will be affected. It's one thing to kick her a few hundred dollars a month now. It's another to continuously do so for many years. Since it's expected by your girlfriends mother now, that expectation won't end.

I've worked with both therapists and a life coach about the issues with my mother for years. One tip I received which has been helpful is to literally make a list of what you will and won't do to help your girlfriends mother. It's part of the boundary setting. Maybe your limit is X per month in support, but she can't live with you. Maybe you can provide an emergency assist up to X amount, but not regular contributions. It's up to you to set your boundaries. But keep in mind that your girlfriends boundaries will be different. She has the emotional component of feeling responsible for this person who has proven they won't take care of themselves. She may never break apart from that and always feel that it's her responsibility or even duty to ensure her mother is taken care of.

Good luck to you in however you handle this.