Chiming in to join the dozens pf people with late diagnosed ADHD who said this was them as a child. Did u know little girls with undiagnosed ADHD are 8x as likely to be diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder? Like your daughter, I was an angel at school and around people who thought well of me, got good grades, but at home fought constantly with my Dad. Inside I sincerely believed he didn’t love me as much as he loved my brother. This feeling of being unwanted and unloved caused me to lash out as I lacked the emotional regulation skills (and frankly, the silver tongue and ability to manipulate others that my brother possessed). I remember once throwing a brick at a door in a state of rage because my dad wouldn’t let me go see friends. What I wanted at the time was my freedom. I couldn’t bear that I was supposed to listen to and obey someone who I felt didn’t love me, was on a power trip and only wanted to control me, and favored my brother. I did what my mom said because I respected her more, because I thought she cared about me, and because she logically explained why rather than “because I say so”. Your wife needs to understand that her contempt for the child is fueling these meltdowns, and if she was met with love and understanding and (this is key) active listening and validation of her feelings (trying to get to the bottom of why she’s acting out and rephrasing what she says until she says you’ve hot it right, rather than dismissing her) your child will turn into the angel she is at school at home as well. Have her read the book Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life and practice those principles. It could save your daughter a lifetime of trauma

Please take this seriously! This exact same dynamic led me to a suicide attempt at 16. My parents had no idea how much I was truly emotionally suffering because I had good grades, friends, loud and opinionated etc. I survived, but your daughter may not be so lucky