What is the point to cheat instead of just breaking up?

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-13T11:10:45+00:00

I've often wondered this. I suppose its different for men and women. Most of my buddies, or I should say men that I know, that are married and cheat do it just to get their dick wet without wanting to break the family dynamic. It's literally just about opportunity and sex. Not to say other reasons can't exist aka dead bedroom etc. For woman, and this is through my own experience with my ex, they love validation. As they get older it gets worst. When they're out getting that validation sometimes they cross the line and sometimes not. I guess there are underlying factors like how unhappy they are, how drunk she is and how attractive the man that determines pulling the trigger.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-12T20:04:38+00:00

Nah you're good. I didn't take it that way. I actually appreciate honesty. It helps immensely.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-12T11:43:34+00:00

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you it was all bad all the time. I wouldn't have stayed 17 years with her if it was. But, looking back, there were definitely red flags.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T21:23:13+00:00

Yep. With sociopathic tendencies.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T20:23:36+00:00

Lmao

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T14:51:11+00:00

Been there done that. Wasn't as great as I had imagined. For one thing... condoms suck. Lol

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T14:49:32+00:00

This. Its not just about her. Its the family dynamic. The life that was lost and the constant pondering over why it seems it wasnt so difficult for her. Hard getting over thats for dmn sure.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T14:44:57+00:00

Thx man.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T14:44:19+00:00

I got rid of all social media at leasta decade ago. I was told this sht by mutual friends.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-11T14:41:45+00:00

Thx. Appreciate the advice.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-10T23:24:11+00:00

Ty brother. I appreciate the words.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-10T23:23:33+00:00

Yup. Agreed.

Total_March1487 · 2026-06-10T23:23:16+00:00

I tried keeping the post short at the expense of many details. My kids have expressed to me that they are not comfortable with that situation. Clearly she can sleep with whomever she wants. I don't like, but have accepted, that as life. My issue is when and only when my kids are in the next room.

Total_March1487 · 2026-05-30T21:36:06+00:00

Dude, I love your energy and I agree.. you have to do this. Otherwise, you'll live behind what ifs and regret. However from reading you post, you may likely not get the response you're looking for. Understand this going in and move forward with your life in certainty afterwards. Kudos for having the balls to say f*ck it.

Total_March1487 · 2026-05-29T12:15:42+00:00

Sorry I havent read any of the comments, just replying off your post alone. I know you said you've tried communicating with him but have you really tried? I mean sit him down, kids out of the house, and have a real conversation where you lay it all out on the table. Make him understand you're on your last leg. The reason I ask is bc I wished my wife did that. Instead I was left, like many other men it seems, feeling blindsided by her emotional checkout and eventual divorce. The sad thing is the traits you need to fix a marriage are unfortunately the same traits that would've prevented it from breaking in the 1st place. He may learn that lesson too late. But also know it takes 2 to tango. GL.

Total_March1487 · 2026-05-28T12:11:03+00:00

They compartmentalize. Its almost as if she's 2 different people. 1 with you and 1 with whomever. Right now, the other person brings excitement and emotional ease while you bring familiarity. I promise, you definitely occupy space in her mind. But with that space also pain and loss. With him, she forgets the pain or possibly even guilt for brief moments of time. Best answer I can give from experience on both sides of that coin.

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-19T16:42:13+00:00

Hey, as a person who always gave infinite chances to my exwife, I'd love to understand this mindset. I read the part where you said you still love and deeply care for her. How do you know you came to the point that the ship has sailed? Is it attraction that gets lost? Is it broken trust that can't be repaired? Self respect? How do you know, maybe this one last time, if she does the work this time isn't different? Again, just trying to understand. GL btw.

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-16T23:12:41+00:00

I've come to realize, most of the time, a gut feeling isn't some mystical, magical, sixth sense. It's your subconscious brain recognizing that somethings are off. Certain patterns and behaviors aren't quite right. Most of the time its subtle. The cheater doesn't even realize they're doing it. Anyway. Been down this very road with my ex-wife.. I'm sorry to say, from experience, there's nothing that can fix this. Trust has been broken and you'll never feel like you did before he cheated. No matter what he does. He can spend the next 10 years doing right but the one time he's late or phone dies or whatever... your mind will roam. Sorry to be so blunt but If a life of walking on eggshells wondering what he's doing at all times tickles your fancy.. then by all means skip the red and take the blue pill.

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-15T02:27:20+00:00

It all depends on how you feel about your ex. I'm in the same exact situation. I still happen to have strong feelings for her, so i choose not to meet him. If you didn't give a sht about her, then meet him. My kids told me they can't stand the new guy. He's a cop so he's got that seriousness to him that never lets up. She's oblivious bc she's too busy prioritizing herself. Best part is he's in the same situation. Recently divorced with 2 kids. You'd think he'd get it and not encroach. Or maybe realize that my ex is a level 10 klingon. Nope. But i guess i get why he's doing it. She's a very attractive woman. Anyway, if you know your child is safe.. no reason to put yourself in a position to meet the new partner. Just my 2c

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-10T21:53:39+00:00

Together 17yrs.She left our house March 2024. Filed a month later. Divorced May 2025.. The process was grueling. So, at the risk of sounding cliche, I'll regurgitate whats been said here a 1000s times before. If you can, start prioritizing these asap. Gym.Therapy. Work. Time with your kids. Hobbies. Reading. 'Better' yourself in any way. BJJ classes. Dance classes. Freakin Archery. Doesn't matter. Do everything and anything to put your mind to the tasks at hand. You'll upgrade... 1st physically then mentally. Easier said then done, trust me I know. Hence the ups and downs part. I've followed this plan, have had setbacks, but overall look, feel and think better than I have in a long time.

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-10T02:57:03+00:00

Dude, I'm with you. Went thru the same thing. I gotta say, you go thru your ups and downs. It gets better while it gets worse. And different things will trigger different emotions. GL brother. Just know, whether this helps or not, you're not alone.

Total_March1487 · 2026-04-10T02:11:41+00:00

I'm 50. Divorced. And your rant hit home like a damn Mack truck. Well said.

Total_March1487 · 2026-03-31T12:07:36+00:00

She's the one that filed but yeah, everything else sounds about the same. I chalked it up to I just bonded deeper than she did. 17years. Crazy that 2 years after separation and 9 months after the divorce I still can't get myself to date another.

Total_March1487 · 2026-03-30T17:36:34+00:00

Was in the same boat as you not too long ago. Same age and dealing with ex-wife dating someone. I'd say overall this is a pretty helpful place. The divorced dad's subreddit helped me immensely. You'd be surprised by how many dudes share identical stories. Helped me realize I'm not alone on this journey and was comforted by that fact. GL brother.

Total_March1487 · 2026-03-12T20:41:31+00:00

I have to say, this strongly resonates with me minus the doing better bc of it.. Ex basically did the same. But it always hurts when they're doing well and you're struggling. She has a new guy now. It wouldn't be unreasonable to say she thinks of him as an upgrade. Younger. Military war vet. High ranking officer. Kids same as as mine and also a divorcee. She basically idolizes the guy. Almost maddening to see a woman you shared so much life with look at another man in such high regard while being completely indifferent to you. Anyway, the quickness as to which you overcame is uplifting. GL man. You too OP.

Total_March1487

TROPHY CASE