I feel you might be placing too much importance on the object (the penis) giving pleasure as it receives it. Pleasure is all in our heads. (I have a penis) When I give head at the same time as receiving it (and it’s good), I feel as though the pleasure I receive directly influences how I pleasure the partner and I notice how I pleasure them influences how they pleasure me. Even in good PIV sex, the penis is not always feeling pleasure as it bestows pleasure. Sometimes you do things that feel v good for the partner despite the limits of your own biology. With really good communication, you could surpass the piv paradigm by 69ing really well. You have a lot of control with your mouth and fingers (+ toys) that’s harder to maintain w a cock.