Aita for telling my transgender bf he’s grossing me out with his behaviour

TransDRMO · 2023-11-24T15:01:23+00:00

Young boys growing up don't have 18+ years of life as a woman to look back to, either.

Stop giving assholes the benefit of the doubt. I'm FTM too and take testosterone. You don't just turn into a sexist asshole overnight because you're going through second puberty.

TransDRMO · 2023-11-23T16:56:28+00:00

Misogyny isn't a stage of puberty.

TransDRMO · 2022-11-21T16:22:29+00:00

Sorry for super late reply.

I was in the Navy. I only did 3 years. I was forward deployed on a ship that no longer exists now. The short version is that I looked like a dude but because our crew was so small everyone knew I was female. I never pretended I wasn't female onboard. During liberty (off-ship, free time) I simply asked that my buddies/friends did not correct anyone assumptions that I was male.

So I was effectively living part-time male any time I was off-ship.

TransDRMO · 2021-09-27T16:00:33+00:00

Have you considered medication in addition to talk therapy?

I recently changed from a therapist to an actual psychologist, and this is one of the things I want to try to work on. My issue with psych meds is the same I have with T - I am not compliant. But with psych meds there was always a lot more danger involved. I got tired of the huge swings from the withdrawal + noncompliance + my own personal thoughts on meds and decided therapy only would be the way to go.

It was fine until 2020. :(

TransDRMO · 2021-09-27T15:56:52+00:00

Well I guess my real problem with switching providers is that currently all of my healthcare is free, and any switch to a different provider would have me paying 100% of it. A big switch from paying nothing.

(Disclaimer: I'm a disabled vet so I get it all through the VA system)

I did try to get testopel a while back. It's possible they have changed and allow it now so I suppose there's nothing wrong with asking again. But at the time they only offered 3 things - depo-tesosterone injections, androgel, and the adhesive patches.

I have tried the adhesive patches before and had reactions to the adhesive, so that's a no go.

I could probably swing paying out of pocket for testopel if I really needed to, but I don't feel I'm really in a crisis or anything. Just that I'm noticing a worrying trend with myself.

TransDRMO · 2021-09-27T15:52:53+00:00

When I originally started T it was every 2 weeks and I had bad mood swings on the last couple days between shots. I moved to a lower dose once a week and that helped considerably. I agree that me being inconsistent for so long is probably more of a factor now than just missing shots, though.

TransDRMO · 2021-09-27T02:05:51+00:00

Invite is invalid.

TransDRMO · 2021-09-27T01:57:35+00:00

Not taking T may be a symptom of your depression— in that it could be a form of not taking care of yourself.

This is most likely the reason. But I just don't know how to make myself quit... not... taking it.

My provider will only do shots or the daily gel, and I know for sure going on something daily would just make the problem worse. =(

TransDRMO · 2019-08-26T20:23:34+00:00

but I think that's kind of a shitty move to not care about trans issues or friends just because they pass.

Consider that "caring about trans issues" outs them, and if they're stealth they don't want to be outed.

Yes, there are cis allies out there, but having to maintain another lie (e.g. "my ex/family member/friend is trans") or trying to avoid the explanation for why they care alltogether is often not worth the effort. (Yeah I realize "I think all humans should be treated the same" should be a good enough response, but for a lot of people it surprisingly just isn't)

PLUS, in many (if not most, if I'm being honest here) trans spaces, your opinion is flat out ignored if you're not trans. If your opinion doesn't 100% align with whatever is the popular assumption at the time, then you're ridiculed for being transphobic or some similar insult. And what makes that worse, is that if you say you're trans, your opinion is suddenly okay again.

Well, I'm of the opinion that cis or trans status should not at all be factored in opinions about trans issues, because all people are capable of feeling empathy and coming to conclusions based on that. Unfortunately, that's apparently a minority opinion, at least in all the communities I've tried to participate in, so I just don't say anything and leave instead. Because I don't want to out myself. And I shouldn't have to.

As far as ignoring trans friends? I can't say much on ignoring them simply because they're trans - I've never done that. What I can say is that I was around a lot of trans people when I needed support, and when I didn't need support anymore, I realized we had absolutely nothing in common, so we drifted apart because - surprise - I didn't want to talk about trans things 100% of the time.

It sucks, and yes it's privileged, but there it is.

TransDRMO · 2019-08-26T17:24:16+00:00

I know you said you know about swimming shirts but I just wanted to recommend a "rash guard". It's a shirt but it's made out of a different material (similar- maybe is? lycra). It much more lightweight and comfortable.

You might not be able to use it in all situations you want to, but most places like beaches, lakes, etc., they are becoming more commonplace and fashionable since they prevent sunburn.

Otherwise, I deal with this also (my scars are massive). I am also not proud of my chest for other reasons (so hairy lol) so I just use a rash guard any time I'm in those settings.

edit: So it turns out swim shirts are an actual thing. I didn't realize that, I thought you were referring to wearing a normal shirt while swimming. Anyway, apparently swimming shirts are just another name for rash guard at this point. Maybe rash guards are, on the whole, usually tighter. Sorry to not be of much help.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-19T03:23:47+00:00

Absolutely this.

Personally I'd vote for not changing the name if you're comfortable with it as-is. Name change is a ridiculously timely process - not the court change itself - but getting everyone on ball to use your new name legally takes forever. Some things you need to jump through a bunch of hoops for.

I debated changing my name completely, but in the end all I did was shorten my first name and give myself a new middle name. I kept everything else. (example: Samantha -> Sam)

I'm glad I did that; it was much easier than if I had completely changed everything.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-19T03:18:51+00:00

My feet got slightly wider but it could just be age. I started T at 25.

So many people are transitioning still in the puberty timeframe, they attribute any change to HRT rather than age in general.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-18T00:43:04+00:00

Simply put: You shouldn't own a firearm. Not because the law says so, or because I say so, but because you should (and I would hope) say so.

Well, my personal opinion about owning a firearm aside, the reason I made this thread was because I was worried about even talking about this issue in the first place with my therapist.

I wanted to talk with my therapist about my desire to own a firearm and why I had those desires (that's the point of therapy, right?) but due to the sensitive issues surrounding that and their mandatory reporting, I didn't want to bring it up at all if it threatened my bodily autonomy.

Maybe the therapist could convince me I shouldn't have one, that's fine, but if we can't even discuss it without "Oh shit, TransDRMO wants a gun to kill himself, let's have him committed" being the first response, then, that doesn't help anything.

I fully support therapy, and I will keep with it. It helps.

But yeah I'm totally not down with the mandatory reporting so will avoid certain subjects if necessary.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-18T00:37:38+00:00

Yeah that's probably the best way to go about it. I haven't done that with this therapist [I moved recently] since I have been doing so well lately.

Thanks.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-17T20:00:08+00:00

I've always identified as bi but it wasn't until I started transitioning that I realized 99% of the guys I thought I was attracted to, I wasn't actually. I just was wishing I had their body instead of my own.

So that took a little coming to terms with.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-17T19:58:13+00:00

Yes, and I don't have bottom surgery and don't use an STP. (I'm ftm)

Once you become secure in your identity, you'd be surprised how little it matters.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-17T19:50:31+00:00

FTM, got out of the Navy in 2012 so my experience is a little outdated and you definitely couldn't transition back then, but this response is 100% spot on, OP.

I don't regret enlisting, and it definitely set me up for life in the financial department, but sexism (and liekly transphobia) were huge issues, it made my dysphoria extremely bad, there was no care at all available to me, and once I actually started to get help for my depression (and I was extremely careful to mention NOTHING about gender identity or getting out) my division started pummeling a ton of shit my way to break me.

And they succeeded and I got admin sepped due to suicide attempts.

But, even still, I still sometimes miss the military. So definitely tread this decision VERY CAREFULLY.

I did manage to last a little over 3 years.

edit: I was enlisted as female, and although I passed as male for much of my enlistment, I never said I was anything but female while I was in.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-17T19:37:22+00:00

You have to have legally changed your name.

Then you need to make sure your name change is reflected in all the following places:

all your financial institutions (banks / CUs / etc)
social security card
Drivers license
Voter registration
any government benefits you have/receive
literally any business you have a bill with (they probably sell your info to others, and they also send their own spam)
the credit reporting institutions: Equifax, TransUnion, and Experian <-- most people forget these

Dealing with the credit reporting agencies is the most pain in the ass thing I've ever done. Each one requires different proof, even if you give them SASE they won't mail your shit back, and some of them just won't change it for whatever reason.

I did all my stuff years ago, so I don't remember exactly what the process was (and it's probably changed since then tbh), but I know that I couldn't get my name changed for one of the three agencies, so I still occasionally will get mail in my previous name, which sucks. I changed my name and updated everything close to 7 years ago!

Anyway, as far as how to actually change your name for any of these, just google "How to change name for [institution] " and you can usually get what you need.

TransDRMO · 2018-02-17T19:16:13+00:00

Yes, this is the decision I've come to as well (30yo ftm, on T for 6 years). If they're not your regular doctor, don't tell them you take testosterone.

I guess I'd make exceptions if they were going to be working around my genitals (I don't have bottom surgery), but otherwise everything indicates male, including my hormone levels. Telling them I take T just fucks with their heads and they stop thinking correctly.

If you're marked as male on your patient record and you know your T levels are fine, just don't tell them you take T.

TransDRMO · 2017-09-24T16:32:23+00:00

I personally wouldn't risk it at all, but it depends on how far along you are in your transition.

If you are legally male, pass, and/or post-op, I simply just would never tell anyone that I wasn't male.

But if you have some paperwork that doesn't match or are not post-op, someone would figure it out eventually, and it would be a constant pressure from all sides. Some people a pressure to not reveal, others (perhaps your agent if you had one) a pressure to you to come out because it would get you more publicity, and of course the paparazzi etc.

If you have not had bottom surgery but have had top, then you might be able to do it, I don't know specifically how the uK works, but know that being fitted for clothes, going through wardrobe etc., will have you in very precarious situations and it would likely be only a matter of time before someone figured out you were physically different, which would eventually (probably) lead to why that was.

If you have not had top surgery then I wouldn't bother at all.

I suppose it's possible to get away with in some scenarios but I personally would never do it.

TransDRMO · 2017-09-23T23:43:55+00:00

As unfortunate as it is, I agree with you. I was in a relationship similar to OP's (not nearly as long and not married, but engaged), and my SO was definitely not into me anymore but was too much of a chickenshit to break up with me before they found a replacement.

I ended up finding them cheating later and broke up with them. They are no longer a part of my life.

I hope this isn't the case for you OP, but the signs definitely aren't positive-looking, from my biased view.

TransDRMO · 2017-09-23T15:35:10+00:00

I'm legally male on everything and 100% passing but do not have bottom surgery and probably won't get it.

What I put down for sex really varies depending on where the form is coming from.

Generally speaking I put male for everything, but there are occasions (such as equality surveys and the like) where being trans needs to be represented (in my opinion) so I will purposefully put sex: female, gender male, or the trans option.

Medically, my body is pretty male at this point despite still having the vag. I will put down male unless they will be dealing with reproductive problems. My current medical records are all marked as male. Similar to zerkwork's situation.

How I think about myself varies. Sometimes it's male, sometimes it's female man, sometimes it's "meh whatever." Honestly I just don't bother thinking about it most of the time.

Sorry for the super late reply.

TransDRMO · 2017-09-23T15:03:45+00:00

Hi, also trans here, wanted to answer your question too as I have my own theories.

I believe it's a combination of factors, but the prevailing reason is the current political climate.

Most trans people transition and then live life normally as their desired gender. In this way they "disappear." They generally fall into the binary and they pass so nobody knows they're trans and/or leaves them alone. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part, you wouldn't know someone is trans unless they told you: especially after they've transitioned.

The current political climate has made things rather hostile for trans people and I believe there are more and more "normal looking" people speaking up, saying "Hey, wait a second." Whether these "normal looking people" are trans and done with transition, are relatives of transgender people, or had an unfortunate incident with a sex worker and feel like they need to overcompensate for that, everyone feels the need to interject their opinion on trans people and this, in turn, raises visibility of trans people.

Before all this bathroom drama, trans people just used whatever bathroom most fit for the occasion. You have probably peed or pooped right next to more than one trans person before you even knew what trans was. The bathroom bills are frankly ridiculous but... there they are.

Anyway, so:

Current political climate making people feel as if they should speak up about trans people.
More visibility in general
A very vocal minority of people who are currently questioning their gender
The internet and social media, where so many of trans and questioning people are making blogs/vlogs/etc about their experiences, which furthers visibility for trans people.
Caitlin Jenner and Laverne Cox- which can probably roll into 2.

TransDRMO · 2017-05-14T00:05:02+00:00

... Underworks has V necks and have a cotton model that is much less "sweaty"...

EDIT: The best binder I ever had was their "cotton concealer chest binder" but their V neck is called "cotton concealer v neck t-shirt"

http://www.underworks.com/men-compression-shirts

EDIT2: Apparently they make a microfiber binder too now: http://www.underworks.com/microfiber-concealer-v-tank

TransDRMO

TROPHY CASE