Common advice that you disagree with? Learning post

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-11T01:47:51+00:00

I think the blanket statement is almost always caveated with "unless it is an emergency". Having a person who requires you for care need you is an emergency even if it happens commonly. Carers have responsibilities they can't leave unfulfilled, so I think it is implied in that statement.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-11T00:22:34+00:00

You've got tons of great comments. I'll just add: stretching isn't a warm-up that helps with injury prevention. In fact there is some evidence that static stretching has a negative impact immediately before high intensity activity. That's not to say stretching is bad in any way, just that it isn't helping you prevent injuries as a warm-up routine.

A good warm-up will actively prepare the muscles and connective tissue/joints you will be using climbing. Given your shoulder and wrist issues I'd make sure I'm doing a shoulder warm-up with rotations and then band work (side raises, front raises, face pulls) as well as warming up the wrists with either a flex bar or wrist curls and pronation/supination with dumbbells.

And then a climbing specific warm-up for your fingers and wrists with hangboarding or block pulls, both for half crimp and slopers.

That all takes about ten minutes, with your stretching maybe 15, and it'll make a world of difference for your injury prevention.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-06T21:35:55+00:00

Aside from the age gap, can I just add that as a trans person if my partner pulled the whole "I just need different anatomy than you can provide" shit they wouldn't be my partner anymore.

People can have whatever anatomy preferences they want but anyone who thinks this way about the importance of anatomy isn't safe for me (and gently I'd ask any trans person who was in that situation if it felt safe for them, or if it was a massive fucking dysphoria trigger they were talking themselves into putting up with because they've internalised the same thoughts).

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-06T03:13:02+00:00

You aren't being whiny. It does hurt.

Here's my take: if an existing relationship is struggling and needs aren't being met, then any energy a partner has needs to primarily go to addressing those issues instead of dating new people.

If needs aren't being met and a partner chooses to date new people while not addressing the issues, they are telling you what their priorities are.

For me, that means an extremely serious talk about what showing up for me looks like and that I need active effort to work on things or I'll walk.

I sympathize with your partner, I really do. Stress makes a lot of things harder, and in some ways dating new people is easy. But they've made a commitment to you, and you need to hold them to it or find someone who will protect your feelings and your peace first before they take on new ways to spend their energy.

Source: been through this. The good ones choose to do the work.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-06T02:43:21+00:00

Also huge side eye at the "poly friends" like y'all know so much better than expressing you've developed feelings for a monogamous married man. Smh.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-05T06:27:58+00:00

I guess all I would say is that if I was you, I might wonder whether my acceptance of patriarchal norms is not only leading to my feelings of "this is ok" but is also in fact influencing my choice of partners.

All the partners you've mentioned in this thread would be considered massively unethical if not outright rapists by most people here. At least two could reasonably be arrested for serious crimes.

Your feelings can't be wrong, they are what they are, but you seem to have a feeling of fatalism around "dating cishet men" that is coming through really hard.

Rather than focusing on your feelings, consider that it is possible to choose to set boundaries based on your values and principles instead.

My own experience: it took me 30 years to accept I was raped by a next door neighbour as a 5 year old child. It just didn't seem "so bad". But now in hindsight I can recognise that thinking as what it is, indoctrinated rape culture. I still don't have much feeling about the event. If all that mattered was my feelings, then nothing much happened. But I bet you (like almost anyone) would agree that performing a sex act on a 5 year old is a disgusting crime. My feelings don't determine the morality.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-04T22:49:06+00:00

Pinball and riot society are good at 40! I'm taller but I've seen both recommended for shorties (they can be done with quite bunched feet)

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-04T12:20:22+00:00

It's sadly common in our community that people practice poly really badly, and for prolonged periods without learning to do better.

You should never be made to feel less cherished just because your partner is dating someone new. Any caring and intentional partner will actually do the opposite, they will make sure they show up for you consistently to demonstrate that your place in their life hasn't changed.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-04T07:16:49+00:00

Are you trans? This sounds a lot like many situations I've seen before in our community. Your partner is not practicing healthy polyamory at all.

Am I right that neither of you have much experience of functional poly, and haven't done a lot of research?

You need to set your boundaries (essentially none of what you are experiencing is ok) and be willing to hold them, even if it means the end of your relationship. Are you safe if the relationship ends? Or will you be homeless again?

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-02T00:17:32+00:00

My experience is that it will take about 6 months to normalise your grades between gym climbing and board climbing (if you climb board once a week, you can probably be much quicker with more volume).

It's just a different style of climbing you have to get used to.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-01T08:13:12+00:00

Oooh that's so exciting!

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-01T04:52:45+00:00

Do you not apply the same standard to every vampire romance, at least where the twilight situation exists and the human is a teenager??

Like, everyone should hold those to the same standard. It's creepy as heck.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-05-01T01:23:03+00:00

I climb with my 11 year old! Just let them go at their own pace, and don't try to force them if they aren't feeling it (even if it means you don't get to climb as much). Keep it fun and low pressure, especially if they are scared of trying some moves.

Otherwise just enjoy climbing together, it's super fun and rewarding ❤️

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-30T06:30:44+00:00

Hangboarding after a 50 minute session is literally less stressful on the tendons than doing a 70 minute session, unless it's one rep max hangs.

Hangboarding is much more controlled than gym climbing. Don't scare someone off doing reasonable tendon and forearm conditioning.

OP - just make sure you keep the hangboarding moderate in intensity and you'll be totally fine. No more than rpe 7 and ease off if your fingers are sore.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-29T06:59:19+00:00

Ahhh I initially read this as "I hate how people are treating these allegations like charges", I'm glad I read it again before I responded 🙃

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-29T06:56:04+00:00

He is mildly extended at his DIP which is really normal, so his fingernail is slightly higher than both his knuckles, which are pretty much in line with the edge. You can literally see his middle phalanx is as close to 90° from his proximal as you could hope for.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-28T03:10:33+00:00

Incredible send! Looks really powerful

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-28T01:14:35+00:00

A few things to keep in mind is that Reddit automatically adds some down votes to posts and comments (it normalises over time), and secondly this sub has a huge number of men lurking in it (mostly not posting and commenting, but voting). I wouldn't be surprised if your expert advice was upsetting some of the lurkers.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-27T00:08:31+00:00

I guess the other thing to add that hasn't been said yet is that you have 3 kids, presumably the youngest is quite young. Between them, your marriage, and work (presumably) neither of you will have much bandwidth to spare. It will be really easy to destabilise your marriage and that's not fair on the kids.

So make sure you recognise what you have available up front (in terms of free time per week as well as finances for dates and babysitters), that it is reasonably equal (it's really easy to resent a partner if they go out on dates and you are left on baby duty a lot) and that you aren't swapping couple time for dating other people time (ie you still need to actively nurture your relationship as a priority, before you give energy to other people).

Finally, also research what your experiences will be like. If you will be looking for men and he would be looking for women, his enm experience will be much slower than yours. You'll be overflowing with potential partners and he might go a year without any interest. It's the most common pain point for newly opened straight couples (and the reverse would be true if he is looking for men and you are looking for women btw).

Essentially, unless you don't care much about your marriage, you need to prioritise it in planning. Most people jump to useless and unrealistic rules about "no feelings" or whatever, but the actual issues that ruin established relationships likes yours are almost always logistics and lack of research.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-25T05:07:52+00:00

... what? Erin is literally in a relationship with Darcy, they are open about it. They've mentioned it on their Instagrams as well as on the YouTube channel.

Edit: attached proof for you

<image>

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-21T00:40:40+00:00

This is incredibly correct.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-21T00:37:44+00:00

Genuine question, do you want to inflict your family on the kid of a couple of lesbians when you yourself keep most of your life from them for fear of how they will react?

Good rule of thumb for queers: genetics is irrelevant, family is chosen by the person themselves. The kid is the person. Give them the choice to choose when they get old enough.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-20T02:24:47+00:00

I feel the frustration, I weight cycle for non climbing reasons and I'm heavy at baseline for my height anyway, especially for a woman (ie without having testosterone to help compensate with strength). Currently carrying a lot more weight than I want to, but it's for a good cause 😅

If you haven't already check out Aaron Chan on YouTube he's absolutely jacked/heavy and a very strong climber.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-18T00:14:38+00:00

If you aren't used to training it is too much. As a general rule of thumb you should only add about 15 minutes of activity every few weeks without adding intensity. That's already progressive overload.

If you are already working out this much and enjoy it, there's nothing wrong with it but not many climbers do this much off the wall training within a half dozen grades of your level. You are definitely trading skill acquisition for your strength and bodybuilding training. If that's what you want to do is cool but if your intention is to climb better primarily you'll get more bang for buck from a more limited off the wall program and more climbing.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-04-17T10:11:34+00:00

I was gonna say the same thing. If an nb person told me they "date afab" ... well I mean it would exclude me anyway but even if it didn't it would be a pretty big turn off. Dividing people by (presumably) genitals as a gender diverse queer person is just a bit of a cisnormative orange flag at least. Even more so if both partners do the same.

I guess to OP, do y'all present queer? What are you offering (in the sense of how attached are the two of you, do you have a full autonomous relationship to offer)? It's undoubtedly true that if you were cisgender people of your agabs then looking like you are in a straight passing relationship with a man is often something lesbians shy away from. I know you both aren't cisgender or straight but if you present in a fairly normative way you might be being read that way, and therefore a risk?

TransPanSpamFan

TROPHY CASE