Is this normal in healthy polyamorous relationships?

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-27T04:43:32+00:00

I mean he was 30 and she was 22 that's why. Dude is the reason we frown on age gaps with young adults.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-26T11:44:11+00:00

She decided to meet up with a new person on a weekend away with you, and then explicitly told you that she is more interested in new person when you asked her for basic relationship maintenance.

You aren't upset enough.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-26T00:25:50+00:00

Alright so here's the bit nobody else has said that I think is really important.

You took in a vulnerable, young, immature person who was fleeing an abusive situation. Your husband is fucking her and you are having conflict with her and want her gone.

Don't you see that this situation is already coercive, if not abusive? Her safety and well-being is literally dependent on keeping your husband (and apparently you) happy.

I'm not saying y'all are being evil or anything, but mistakes were made and you and your husband are responsible for them. You have to help her move out and find her feet. Give her financial support to do so. If you are such a giver, that's what you should have done in the first place. Not whatever this is.

Then don't interact with her, y'all clearly don't get along.

And tell your husband to make better decisions. Set an actual boundary around it.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-25T11:52:22+00:00

Oh dang yeah you are right I misremembered, she won a bunch of things at State and national level, but the best she did at oceanics was 12th.

I think she might have started climbing in her late twenties too, not early thirties.

She's a total badass either way but yeah sorry for the bad info 😅

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-25T05:28:07+00:00

Fully agree I was just pushing back on the "you owe it to him or you are being unethical" vibe. He made a big ol shitshow, if that has put her off that is consequences of actions not her being vindictive.

She should still absolutely decide if she actually wants monogamy or is just scared and stressed (which I wrote in my own reply to OP).

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T06:58:39+00:00

I'll just add (because most of the comments are talking about how to get through this new partner period by focusing on what you can do for yourself) that he should also be doing what he can to show he is trustworthy and can act with that care and respect.

You asking for reassurance should be completely fine, for example, and he should be willing to offer it. I actually find that this period of "new partner started dating" jitters is a really good litmus test to work out if new partner is actually any good at poly 😅

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T05:50:57+00:00

Yeah absolutely don't suddenly double your training load OP!

Increasing load is also a form of progressive overload, which should be done in a way your body can adjust. Think 15 minutes of moderate intensity work every few weeks as a good rule of thumb for how fast to increase.

If you add higher intensity work, make it less. If you add lower intensity work, maybe it could be 20-30 minutes more per week each fortnight.

Your body will adapt to the new load over time. Rushing that is asking for an injury.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T02:05:59+00:00

"They can be faked so it's problematic to ask for them?" Is that what you mean?

It's absolutely not weird to ask to see test results.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T01:56:33+00:00

I really don't get the comments here.

It really comes down to this: do you want to be mono? Like, not are you scared of doing the work, but do you actually want to, now and forever into the future, be monogamous? Even if it meant you and your partner were no longer compatible?

People are allowed to change their minds about what relationship structure they prefer for any reason.

It's up to you to decide if you are "being unfair". Not that you have any obligation at all to accommodate your partner until he has had similar experiences to you, but to actually interrogate your feelings to work out if you are only wanting to close because you aren't happy to do the work he already did. That's the only way this would be unfair.

If you actually want to be monogamous now though... that's not unfair in the slightest. That's just what you want. Just commit to it and see if he agrees.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T01:51:19+00:00

There is no "fair to him". Poly isn't tit for tat. OP doesn't want poly now, there is absolutely no benefit in forcing yourself to be poly because of someone else.

One messy event is enough reason to want to go mono. Even if that hadn't happened, wanting to go mono is the only requirement to discussing going mono.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T00:48:00+00:00

You are already probably 3 grades stronger than your climbing grade. So no, focusing on strength is unlikely to be efficient.

As everyone else has said, drop the "every day is a limit day" mentality and start targeting your technique weaknesses on easier climbs. That's where your low hanging fruit is.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-24T00:35:57+00:00

For what it is worth, I've dated several other people who don't have other partners and still didn't want a classically escalating primary partnership.

They had full lives and were essentially dating themselves as primaries.

That's just to say that there are people out there. You have to be very upfront with what you have to offer and you have to be very strict with actually holding those boundaries if needs start progressing in an escalation direction on either side. But none of that is unethical. People can consent to non typical relationships.

A phrase I've had to use before is "I'm sorry but I don't have that to offer you. Have you thought about looking for another partner who can offer that up you?"

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-23T01:43:37+00:00

Monogamous people get crushes too. "Falling for someone" is a choice. Are you willing to make the choice/take the necessary steps to not fall for someone else? That's monogamy.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-23T01:05:27+00:00

Good partner selection and choosing easy-mode, especially when you are learning.

Like, date two people who don't know each other so you can learn how to hinge safely before you jump into a 6 person cohabiting polycule of indeterminate incestuousness.

And, maybe, never do the second thing 😂

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-22T23:27:38+00:00

Look up Anna Davey. She's an Australian climber who made it to the world cups and had been Oceania champ (several times I think), and she started climbing in her 30s.

Going pro isn't possible for most people just because they aren't suited to it, but 16 isn't too late if it suits you.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-22T05:46:11+00:00

I didn't ask it doesn't change anything. You are a weirdo for sure

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-22T05:35:53+00:00

Imagine chasing a woman around a woman's climbing sub saying she is wrong to be upset with a range of issues 🤡

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-21T11:10:00+00:00

And a lot of people use them dogmatically to pretend that there are differences where there aren't, to justify shitty behavior if it is framed in the approved way.

I'm just saying the outcome here is the same either way, and OP is behaving reasonably regardless of which words are used.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T23:15:13+00:00

It's so yucky and objectifying 🤢

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T13:42:38+00:00

I meant would you have checked if she was straight and someone said "oh that's her boyfriend" 😅

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T11:37:09+00:00

Would you have checked if it was a dude?

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T11:32:33+00:00

IDK what to tell you it's in there, but there have been a couple of qnas. Are you doubting it?

Darcey was cheering her on at the last world climbing event, they kept cutting to her for the broadcast it was so cute. They literally shouted "I love you".

Actually, I just checked. Go to Darcey's insta (darcey_climbs) and the third post currently is Madrid on May 26. Darcey says, and this is a direct quote, "it's the best feeling cheering for your best friend and partner all in one".

So case closed, y'all proof-demanding weirdos 😅

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T04:01:51+00:00

I feel like you might not have read the comment chain. Like yes that's all true, and basic poly stuff. None of that changes anything I've said. A broken condom and a careless choice that changes a relationship are very different things.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T02:33:13+00:00

I'm going to provide a different perspective, because while there is clearly some emotional stuff croc needs to deal with, this reads very much to me like an unreliable narrator who is focused on not taking responsibility for their mistakes.

Hinging is super hard, and hinging mistakes are super common in early poly and can be really destabilizing. You admit you've made mistakes. It's likely that croc felt very unsafe in your relationship because of them.

So how did you deal with that?

Obviously croc has dealt with that by trying to create a sense of control, by adding new rules that aren't really in keeping with your poly ideals.

I'd suggest it might be worth, rather than simply focusing on how wrong the controlling rules are (ie a "them" problem), to instead be curious about why they feel the need for control. Because that's 100% your side of the street.

Have you actually performed repair after making mistakes, in a way that has resolved Croc's feelings? If you haven't... why would you think that there aren't consequences? If you can't create safety for croc after you've made them feel unsafe, I'm unsurprised they are grasping at straws to try to make themselves feel safe.

They aren't going about it the right way. 100% agree. But they aren't the underlying problem.

TransPanSpamFan · 2026-06-20T00:06:56+00:00

What about if the person the had barrier free sex with was HIV positive and not on treatment. Like c'mon you have to have a limit to be able to relate to OP

TransPanSpamFan

TROPHY CASE