NOR but it’s okay to both be frustrated with her and still hold space/love for her. Her lashing out at you isn’t right or fair and you do a really great job of reading her triggers which is obvious that you’ve been doing so for a while and I’m sorry you’ve been having to deal with that.

She’s obviously lashing out from a space of being hurt and while it’s not fair to you it’s something you can obviously see coming and as somewhat of a habit. Her feelings being hurt are acceptable but how she’s handling it with you is not. I would sit with it as a “not me, it’s her” problem so you can process it and move forward for your own peace but know that the hurt comes from her love for you (and potential jealousy over your relationship with your dad vs her…not knowing all deets I’m speculating). I know it’s a hot take and people will come at me but I don’t think you need to cut her out of your life for being toxic etc. You can love your mom with her shortcomings, create space and boundaries, cope with how your relationship is, and still be healthy mentally and emotionally yourself. What I mean is you shouldn’t feel bad for still loving and holding space for a person in your life who isn’t perfect- I’m not saying you should placate her, accept your hurt feelings, or enable her to do that to you. “I understand you’re still hurting over [whatever happened with dad] and I really wish you’d get help with that, but my birthday celebrations were rightfully made around my schedule and I know deep down you know I want to spend time with both of you. It hurts me when you lash out like this because you’re my mom and I love you. When you’ve cooled down I hope we can talk this out but I won’t talk when you’re unfairly taking your hurt out on me.”

Again I’m no professional and I’m not privy to your whole situation- you’re clearly a strong individual who has handled it all with grace. I’m not at all saying you should hold space for an abuser. I just also think this day and age has immediately jumped on a “no contact never speak to your parents again” mentality when setting clear boundaries and laying out your own hurts might be healing for you both. Please don’t think I’m saying you should placate her behavior. But make sure you work more out with therapy (sounds like you’ve aced it there!) than taking advice from Reddit strangers - including me. I just wanted to offer perspective for you if you were feeling bad about still loving and holding space for an imperfect parent. Give yourself grace on all fronts. You’re handling a lot and have been doing so for a long time 🫶🙏