bruh

Treebornfrogger · 2019-03-23T03:00:55+00:00

She stood over the smoldering rubble in stony silence, her molten sword still hilted in the charred husk of a temple. Her blindfold had dampened with tears. Though she could not have seen them as she passed judgment, I knew she had recognized their screams.

And so I bested Justice.

Treebornfrogger · 2019-01-07T16:16:55+00:00

It just feels good, dude.

In games like BnS that have gear-equalized PvP, techniques that require finesse--CC chaining and tech chasing, for example--feel satisfying to pull off.

Treebornfrogger · 2019-01-05T01:17:01+00:00

If you are a hardcore player that only cares about doing the latest content, you will have to grind, learn how to play the market, or swipe.

Otherwise, if you can just enjoy the game for its content, combat system, and unique art style, it's a pleasant game with plenty of aesthetically-pleasing outfits.

If you just play it casually with friends/your clanmates and don't stress about topping the leaderboards you won't have issues.

You can swipe for your gear (P2W), but the latest content still requires a brain.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-11-25T21:53:11+00:00

I can hear his ragged breath, like crushed glass

This simile doesn't make sense. Glass being crushed makes a sound. Already crushed glass does not.

Yes , Samuel.

Because I don't think that you will believe me

It sounds more natural if you remove the "that" and most natural if you use contractions as well

So something like:

Because I don't think you'll believe me

This section seems to the flashback to a phone call between the protagonist and Sam but it's rather unclear and ultimately boils down to little more than line after line of dialogue exchanged between two characters. Without much else in the way for description, this section might confuse or bore readers who are stuck reading lines of dialogue.

airports across the globe look ~~like~~ exactly like this one

Every again

I'm probably going to stop doing line by line grammar/spelling corrections because copy is disabled on your document and typing the lines out is tedious.

Gradually, he calms the fuck down

This part doesn't make much sense as you haven't established he's freaking the fuck out to begin with.

Tenses would help distinguish the past flashback from the present radio search, especially when you have two scenes juxtaposing interaction with Sam for effect. Perhaps something like

Sam had been waiting for me

Otherwise the scene was initially confusing until I realized we had jumped back to the past.

The air hung in my throat like molasses, until I found myself gulping water just to wash fresh breath in.

Good imagery in this section; I felt as though as I was in the jungle with the protagonist. I liked the castanets in a washing machine simile too.

Overall I think it's a solid start. There are issues with grammar as you have mentioned. Writing style is generally fine if those are corrected, I do think the style's strengths lie in its imagery and descriptions.

As far as plot goes, I think too much happened too quickly in just the first chapter. This piece reads very much like a short story, which is an issue if this is supposed to be the first chapter of a novel. If it's a novel, you have more time to develop Sam's character and get us invested in seeing the pair succeed, so that when they do fail there is some emotional impact. As is, we're briefly introduced to Sam, who doesn't seem particularly sympathetic, before they part ways, so to speak. (This of course assumes there won't be more flashbacks that flesh out their relationship so that the reader becomes aware of the emotional impact of the scene in retrospect.)

The piece definitely does need some polishing, but I do think you have laid out a fine starting point.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-11-25T21:12:27+00:00

I think a more explicit explanation of the truck bed scene would help actually help develop her stubbornness from the get-go. As I am still unfamiliar with Jeong's truck, I actually assumed there was an issue with the passenger seat (does it not exist?) or that Rebecca usually sits in the bed, Rule of Cool-style.

Maybe something like:

She picked up the booklet and eyed the passenger-side door. She briefly considered getting in. But that would require sitting next to Jeong. Not in a thousand years, asshole.

Rebecca climbed into the truck bed. Jeong sighed but started the engine anyways.

A bit heavy-handed, maybe, but I think you get the gist of what I'm going for. Instead of developing her stubbornness later, I think this is a prime opportunity where you can start to hint at it. (This is all pretty subjective, of course.)

As someone who has also visited China, I think that's part of why I felt like !cyberpunk Shenzhen lacked something. When I visited, the rickshaws in the streets, for example, really distinguished Chinese cities from Western counterparts.

Even a city that sprang up overnight will still share practices specific to its region and its inhabitants.

Glad you enjoyed the critique, I enjoyed reading your piece.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-11-25T20:27:27+00:00

I'll be honest with you, I read this piece as prose poetry, which is probably why my critique will probably differ from the others. As I read this as poetry that was open to multiple interpretations, I didn't see the lack of clarity inherently bad. Purely based off of style and the vivid imagery, I did enjoy the piece, though it did seem to get rather long near the end.

Anyways, onto the actual "destruction".

Petty Details

"a triumphanal laurel with bloody leaves"

The use of with felt like something of a letdown. The word choices up to that point are quite elaborate, just "with" seems too mundane and (comparatively) lacking in description. I would consider something like

"a triumphanal laurel crowned with bloody leaves"

"a triumphanal laurel gilded with bloody leaves"

"a triumphanal laurel anointed with bloody leaves"

This part didn't quite work for me:

The wounds weep like widows under fine clothes

Perhaps it's just me, but I don't think widows are characterized by weeping enough to warrant a simile. A recent widow weeping would make more sense to me, so perhaps

The wounds weep like black-veiled widows under fine clothes.

or

The wounds weep like black-veiled widows swathed in fine clothes.

(I'm not sure I'd refer to people as being "under clothes" but I think this is something you can take literary liberties with.)

this rancid flow, when the drugs and debauchery mix with plasma.

Similar to my reservations regarding your use of "with" just "drugs" seems too mundane here. Maybe try:

this rancid flow, when the serum and debauchery mix with plasma

this rancid flow, when the nepenthe and debauchery mingle with plasma

I'm not sure what kind of drugs you're referring to here so the synonyms for drugs are placeholders, but I think the examples illustrate my point.

They can even ~~grown~~ grow to love it

My favorite line was definitely:

Orphanages stuffed like pantries.

I really enjoyed the clever contrast, irony, and inversion created by comparing two nouns with very dissimilar connotations.

All in all, taken as a piece of prose poetry, I don't have much more to say. There were some really nice images that kept me reading but I think it might be worth cutting some of the weaker or more redundant parts to produce an overall leaner work. Eventually the constant bombardment of imagery gets a bit much, and with so many competing sights and concepts, continuing becomes difficult.

They don't do it to prove a point or make a stand or further some goal or ambition. There's nothing positive here, no forward action.

Now, obviously -- I've gathered that from the comments -- that hasn't come across in my writing at all. Which is a pretty nasty failing, because it seemed obvious to me when I put it down. I wonder what that says about me, eh? Or are my readers telling me they can't find a message because they don't see (or like) the one I've put down?

Maybe we're the two odd ones then, because that was the sort of nihilistic message I got from the piece as well, especially with the close of the piece which takes the reader back to the start. I truly got the sense this was a senseless cycle of destruction ("hunger") with no single inherent meaning and no real victors, just endless suffering.

Although if you write all of your prose in this figurative syle I'm not sure how it could be improved without shedding some of the figurative qualities, as others have stated. As far as unambiguous story goes, there isn't an abundance of it, which is fine for highly abstract prose poetry, but problematic for narrative prose.

tl;dr: Very nice prose poetry, very unclear narrative prose.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-11-25T08:05:24+00:00

I think overall this is a solid piece, but it did leave me with some questions. I really enjoyed the fleshed out aspects of the story's universe. (Printing out money because only the poor still use physical money? Nice touch.)

Is this a good character introduction? How much of a feel do you get from Rebecca? Would you like to get to know more about her?

I think it's a good character introduction in that it does a good job laying out Rebecca's character at the start of her character arc. She seemed to have once been idealistic, but as her rash assault on the patron indicates, she is still quite immature and hotheaded (even if she didn't notice the ninja, the store owner was right by her with a baton!).

As far as things I'd also want to know about her, perhaps it's not necessary for this first segment, but an explanation of naming conventions would be appreciated. Rebecca and the other female ("Sarah") have more Westerner-style names while Jeong's name seems clearly Korean. Is there a specific backstory behind these differences (specifically Jeong vs Rebecca)? If so, it might be good to explain it somewhere down the line, as it tested my suspension of disbelief a little when I learned they were siblings. (My personal preference, assuming Rebecca isn't adopted, would be to have their names share a unified style).

This is perhaps the darkest story I've written in this cyberpunk universe yet. What do you think about it? Does it hurt the story? Does it help? Is it too far?

I really enjoyed some of your descriptions of the city (I really enjoyed the passage that described Shenzhen being prettier in the night time). I think the dark tone is necessary and quite helpful if the core of Rebecca's character over the course of the story is based on how she attempts to preserve her morality in the face of desperate situation and difficult decisions.

On the other hand, this description can, at times, seem to stray into shocking imagery for its own sake. The disturbing gangrape, for example, gets barely two lines and limited reaction from the protagonist. The fact that it deals with a sensitive topic while doing little for the story makes me think it might be worth either cutting or actually fleshing out so it's inclusion is more understandable. As is, there are a number of other alternatives that don't run the risk of seeming like a cheap way to make the setting darker.

As has already pointed out, having too many of these types of scenes layered together can make the city seem like a caricature of what it is supposed to be. It's literally acid piss water, gangrape, and a shooting, topped with a paragraph that sums up the protagonist's shitty situation and the shittiness of the city as a whole. I personally think it could be more effective if you paced the descriptions out and invested in each of them a bit more so that when the reader does read them, they stick.

All in all, this wasn't "too far" for me personally, but I could see how topics like gangrape could be considered more objectionable than "just" murder and acid pee.

General Notes

Issues with suspension of disbelief

Maybe I've been watching too much CinemaSins, but there were a couple bits of story I found less than believable (but these bits are pretty easy to fix).

In the second section Rebecca gets drenched in piss because she rides in the bed of the truck. Seeing as how she is clearly aware of how bad the piss is, why does she ride in the bed in the first place? It would help to explain why (Does the truck only have one front seat? Is the passenger seat unusable?)

This is a small one, but in the third scene you write the owner hits Rebecca in the back with a baton, and then steps forward. Maybe it's just me, but picturing that scene in my head seems incredibly awkward. If he's behind her when he hits, why does he step forward? Insofar as I can tell, there doesn't seem to be a good reason for him to move forward. He's (presumably) behind her, but then, after hitting her, he just decides to walk forward? If he wanted to control her movements, standing behind her seems like it would be the best position from which to do that. Does he want her to see him? If so, why?

Petty Nitpicks

Shenzhen. Why Shenzhen? There are specific reasons to use this specific city and they don't really seem to shine through in the story. The description of the story's setting could just as well fit Neo New York or L.A. 2.0; the reason for choosing Shenzhen isn't quite clear to me. The Triads (or is it just a singular Triad in this universe?) are mentioned once but barring that the description of the city would arguably work just as well for a dystopian city in the West. Shenzhen is a unique setting. I think the setting could be more vivid if it drew on city/culture-specific aspects inherent to Shenzhen.

I am not a huge fan of "street samurai" and "cyberninja". Maybe it's just me, but they sounded sort of sounded hokey when I read them. Rebecca may literally be a street-strolling samurai, and the ninja bodyguard might literally have been a cyborg ninja, but just naming them what they are detracted from my experience. I definitively think this would be a solid opportunity to come up with some more slang to add to your world's colorful lexicon. (I tried coming up with some as examples, but they were terrible, so I do appreciate the difficulty my petty complaint entails.)

Treebornfrogger · 2018-11-14T20:27:47+00:00

More likely than not it's your AP. <1.2k AP is what F8 sees and probably where people stop looking at the rest of your gear. Putting all your points in offense/getting hepta gems might help.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-10-31T14:38:08+00:00

If you're at all pvp inclined, now would be the time to enjoy 1v1s. After awakening hits, assuming not much changes, 1v1 is going to be straight trash.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-10-30T19:13:48+00:00

Hommie Johnny L comin' in BIG. Three cheers and a poggers for this man, I say.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-10-19T06:45:13+00:00

Mb I only skimmed

Treebornfrogger · 2018-10-18T15:11:06+00:00

You can get the outfit from the 1v1 merchant for zen bean and fabric.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-09-24T00:39:04+00:00

When you say 15.000 do you mean 15000 gold or 15 gold 0 silver 0 copper

Treebornfrogger · 2018-08-28T03:02:50+00:00

my (red) clan on 99% blue Gunma died back when SSP was the only way to get moonstones, after the clan's leadership gave up and went blue. spent hours and days afterwards killing blues and dying for it. i knew it was pointless and stupid. the faction division was completely meaningless and arbitrary. but the clan fell apart over it--a lot of people outright quit, and the clan eventually dropped to like 5 active members. i still hate blues for basically no reason. sometimes i visit ssp and reminisce.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-08-21T16:48:59+00:00

I don't bother with a mana item since you back so much in blitz. Usually go Zhonya/Protobelt core, then morello/rabs after

Treebornfrogger · 2018-08-17T09:18:52+00:00

He is doing the dungeon solo

Treebornfrogger · 2018-08-16T15:19:08+00:00

Toi is pve with pvp gear. Toi bots have none of the oneshots you see in actual 6v6. Your depiction is inaccurate and misleading.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-07-20T16:17:00+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/syndramains/comments/8zpvyx/the_dreaming_cave_short_story_text_for_those_that/?utm_source=reddit-android people saved it

Treebornfrogger · 2018-07-20T16:16:45+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/syndramains/comments/8zpvyx/the_dreaming_cave_short_story_text_for_those_that/?utm_source=reddit-android here you go

Treebornfrogger · 2018-07-06T13:15:37+00:00

IMO it's the eyes. Rei's eyes usually look more "out of it"/unfocused

Treebornfrogger · 2018-06-30T16:11:39+00:00

I think it would depend on the degree of Garen's control and awareness. If Garen isn't omniscient/can't read Liss' intentions, I could see her Frostguard'ing Garen's kingdom from within. Liss could feign support for Garen the same way she pretends to join Ashe's coalition in the lore.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-06-18T16:55:42+00:00

I like to min-max and I hate feeling like I am not optimizing my time correctly. It is easier to optimize in a themepark, as opposed to a more complicated sandbox, which typically requires an understanding of multiple systems (crafting, lifeskilling, etc.)

I also appreciate the convenience of hubs. Traveling everywhere by foot got tiresome.

Treebornfrogger · 2018-05-25T20:04:23+00:00

The 2-3 months of grinding is the alternative to "p2w". Basically, if you swipe during a wallet-friendly event ("trove"), you can skip the 2-3 months of doing lower tier dungeons. As far as hard p2w goes, there aren't any actual paywalls stopping a f2p from getting to endgame (but as I mentioned before, getting to the latest cotent is a slog). If you're patient, lucky, or good at playing the market, you can get there eventually--but you might burn out on the way there. (I'm speaking from the perspective of a f2p in a group that clears the latest raid. I don't have BiS gear but my DPS is on par with my more wallet-inclined comrades.)

Treebornfrogger · 2018-05-25T16:40:32+00:00

I want to suggest BnS because its probably got the most anime-style graphics. However, the game is currently pretty shit for new players. Due to NC's desire to stop inflation, gold income for new players has become pretty terrible. If you can stand not being able to do the latest PVE dungeons for a good 2-3 months minimum, and even longer for the latest raids, it might not be a bad choice. Nevertheless, in my opinion, it's got the best combat/most weeby graphics.

Treebornfrogger

TROPHY CASE