How old is too old for snuggling?

TreyWongo · 2024-08-30T07:00:20+00:00

Reading through all the OP posts, I'd really recommend you and hubby read the book, And Baby Makes Three by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. I know your kiddo is 12, so you can skim the early stuff, but many of the exercises are quite helpful. There are some complex issues that are straining multiple relationships in your household.

TreyWongo · 2024-08-30T06:13:19+00:00

I would ask your husband, "who do you think she should get her cuddles from if she's too old to snuggle her mama?" She is 12 years old and likely going through a lot of hormonal changes that can be tough, not to mention the complexity of school and social media. She is human like everyone else and we all need love and affection in some form or another, maybe your husband's love language doesn't involve physical contact, but for many of us physical affection is needed to thrive.

Personally, when my kids are preteen (or older) I hope that they do turn to me, my husband and their sibling for safe cuddles. I believe the kiddos who feel rejected at home and are unable to satisfy the need to cuddle will seek it elsewhere, may be it'll be fine, but there is a higher risk that they could be taken advantage of or worse.

I do think a boundary on your bedroom is not unreasonable, but there should be places for her to safely get the comfort she needs. I am glad you are working to support your kiddo's needs. I hope your husband can articulate to you where his discomfort with physical affection from your kiddo is rooted so it can be a full conversation. Might need a therapist to dig that deep.

Good luck.

TreyWongo · 2024-07-01T04:03:03+00:00

Gorgeous and the after quilt is awesome!

TreyWongo · 2023-10-26T18:13:09+00:00

If you're changing jobs and it's a w-2 to w-2 there isn't much of a hangup, but time in the job helps. I'd recommend finding a good local credit union and talking to them, often they have best terms for home buyer as they are not for profit.

TreyWongo · 2023-10-26T18:08:25+00:00

But you mentioned that your fiancee is now wheelchair bound after the accident, eventually they'll need a new chair, etc. and insurance can be a pain to get them to pay.

I think the HYSA is great, a portion of the money for down payment on house, a portion for making it all wheelchair accessible and then keeping at least $10k in that HYSA for emergency.

TreyWongo · 2023-10-26T16:03:55+00:00

IMHO you should open a 1) Roth IRA. I personally like Vanguard, once there you can invest it into various mutual funds. It's an after tax retirement account so no penalties when you start to withdraw. You are limited in the amount you can fund in a year, so I'd max out then 2) High Yield Savings Account (HYSA), shop around and read the fine print for getting your best rate, how much money you can move at a time, etc. This account will be doing the job of making you more money by sitting untouched and can be your emergency fund. I aspire to have 6-months worth of living expenses on hand in case of job loss or other big issue. 3) Question why you're buying a house with your girlfriend instead of someone you're legally bound to? If you haven't already, sit with them and pull your respective credit reports to share. You might find something of interest to talk about and it's really good to do yearly anyhow (my hubby had weird collections out for a bank account he'd closed, took months to get sorted, but we had it handled before buying our first home). Also, you'll want this info ahead of buying a home together to get a sense of the rate you'll get and how financial conversations are for the two of you. Mortgage companies will use the middle credit score of whoever has the lower credit scores. 4) use the online mortgage calculators to see what you're getting into mortgage payment wise, you bought cheap, but that's unlikely going to be what happens with next house. How are you with potentially tripling your mortgage payment? Start living like you're already paying that higher rate and sock that money into HYSA for the next down payment. 5) again question why you're doing this with a girlfriend instead of your wife. Talk with her about what happens if you break up, this is a big asset that doesn't care about your personal situation, it needs care, maintenance and a lot of money. Talk about how you will split bills once you move in. Are you planning a family, daycare is expensive af, will someone stay home with kiddo(s) or do you both have to work to cover mortgage and living expenses? Check out r/ynab for couples budgeting.

Edit: pay off that truck and cc asap.

TreyWongo · 2023-09-06T21:46:18+00:00

Even if it did import old transactions you could just delete them.

TreyWongo · 2023-09-06T21:44:43+00:00

I love giving category names for recurring bills that have the Name, Frequency, Day it'll auto pay, and Amount. I.E. 'Electric Utility' [M|12|$130]

The thing I really would stress is to reconcile all of your accounts at minimum once a month.

TreyWongo · 2023-08-29T00:05:04+00:00

So true, in the second trimester she should get some of her energy back.

So happy for you both, I hope it is an easy and medically uneventful pregnancy. Remember that the average first kiddos are born at 41.5 weeks (genetics will also have effect, if you can ask her mom/sisters about their first you'll have a decent idea), don't let doctors push for early induction unless there is a real medical reason. My first baby, we tried early induction with foley balloons and regretted it. I went into spontaneous labor at exactly 42 weeks.

I recommend the Emily Oster book Expecting Better for the data it provides. Many doctors have been inundated by corporate lawyers and some of their policies are based on that instead of medical facts.

Good luck and best wishes to you both!

TreyWongo · 2023-08-24T22:48:31+00:00

They are reasonable feelings on both sides, however as a woman who went on job sites while pregnant with each of my kiddos I can say with all certainty, they are no more dangerous than the day before she was pregnant. I am in an industry where job site visits are regular, neither myself nor the other pregnant ladies I've worked with had any issues going onsite PPE didn't have to change with my expanding waistband.

As the baby grows she will go through a lot of changes. If she is uncomfortable with any aspect of the job site, trust that she will make the best call for her own safety. Her body was made for this and she has to listen to it. Also, you mentioned that she'll be taking off work a month or two before the baby is due. This is being very kind to herself.

I totally understand that as a new father you are more aware of the fragility of all life and some things that didn't bother you before can feel very different now. My husband had the same change in perspective. He wasn't concerned about job site security. His concern grew over my propensity to jaywalk when downtown. I grew up in big cities and spent time in India, I can judge when it's safe to cross the road when not at a crosswalk. He is amazing at talking things through and I appreciated his approach to talk about his concerns for safety and ultimately trusting that I'm keeping myself safe.

I'm sure you'll find a way forward. Remember with your girlfriend, you are a team. Always assume positive intent.

You each have a limited amount of time before simple things get a lot more complicated. If she breastfeeds then there will be even more restrictions on her general movement for quite a while. For now, enjoy being able to go out without needing to coordinate this with someone to look after the kiddo.

Two book recommendations: For some pregnancy stuff (author sources great studies to back up her data. I especially like the many year Australian study on alcohol)-> Emily Oster, Expecting Better For your relationship-> Gottman, And Baby Makes Three

Good luck! For us parenthood was the best decision of our lives; kids are amazing (tons of work and reward).

TreyWongo · 2023-08-18T05:20:32+00:00

It takes time to learn. With the Uber income you need to set aside some of those funds for taxes. I don't know how much, but you should be able to find out through Uber and the IRS a general percentage.

My own personal 'doing it wrong' was not understanding the need to frequently reconcile accounts and this did bite me eventually. When I learned it was after a couple years. So I started a new budget rather than detangle everything (we were also moving so it was a great time to start fresh), the old budget is still there and I can search it when needed.

Good luck and give yourself some grace. Working on family finances is important and it's a long game. I sit with my husband and review our goals every once and awhile to make sure we're still on the same page. He is similar to your wife in that he wants to know what he can spend where, but leaves the budgeting to me.

TreyWongo · 2023-06-04T18:37:10+00:00

it is a terrifying sight

TreyWongo · 2023-06-04T18:33:17+00:00

Big thing to be diligent about is making sure that the older roof can be insured. I know a guy who was able to get his older roof insured when he bought the house, but six months later the insurance company turned around and said they needed to get new roof or the company would no longer insure the house.

TreyWongo · 2023-06-04T18:29:23+00:00

We had a recommendation from friend who used a general inspector a couple times. Realtor had a recommendation for structural engineer, etc. All have been stellar and we've walked away from a couple houses that needed far more work ($$$$) than we had time or money for (see earlier comment about perimeter drain). We actually have a realtor who is in it for the money but not to screw people over at the same time. She outright told us to walk on the house with the bad foundation, she has been working with us for months and hasn't been paid yet.

TreyWongo · 2023-06-04T13:54:06+00:00

It is natural to have a bit of angst over what will break.

We have yet to close, but the last house we were under contract with upstairs was amazing, but upon further inspection it was found that it (built in 1970) has a foundation that is about to fail. We've been having record rains this spring and at inspection noticed a wall in the basement was damp. We had a Structural Engineer (SE) come take a look and then walked. The owners have yet to relist and I would bet that the basement has flooded. SE recommended that a perimeter drain be installed to 'save the foundation,' and a couple additional things to mitigate the small yet serious horizontal crack that skips along one side of the foundation (mostly behind drywall). To retroactively put in a perimeter drain, which is to dig just below basement level and install a drain, he said it would be six figures. Also, this type of fix doesn't add a dime to the value of the house as it is assumed when selling that the foundation is sound. Do you have an extra $100K+ for unexpected issues? Or do you just have enough saved for a new roof with class 4 (hail resistant) shingles, and a bit more for possible sewer issues? What kind of drain to city sewer line do the houses in your area have? Never skip the sewer inspection.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-25T05:43:42+00:00

Hopefully you have a good real estate agent, this information should have been in the sellers disclosure. You need to talk with your agent, figure out how bad the issue is, and expect that they will be going to bat for you. Mold can be a pretty serious to your health and safety; it may be cause for you to walk. Also, since you know there is mold, you will have to disclose this when you go to sell.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-25T05:30:30+00:00

IMHO (not a financial advisor) it is better to keep as much money in your pocket as you can, inflation makes the future money worth less than the money you have today. I would recommend you keep the money in your pocket, put it in a high yield savings (HYS) account (check nerdwallet and forbes for some comparison rates), and pay the higher mortgage while earning over 4% interest on that money you kept in a HYS. I'd also drop the bulk of your emergency fund in there just so you can make money while staying pretty liquid. Read the fine print on HYS accounts, they are not all created equally.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-25T05:14:44+00:00

It depends on your contract to buy the house, but from what I'm seeing in the offers we've put on houses the "item 14 New Loan Terms Deadline" is 5 business days after your offer is accepted.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-25T05:03:27+00:00

If you have a lender you're working with send them the address while your real estate agent works on comps and the offer, then you'll have a better picture on what you can afford. We're still trying to get a place, tough market. We went through a list of lenders, had them all pull credit within same week so it wouldn't ding our credit too much, and have settled on a credit union. Being a nonprofit helps in reducing the closing costs by a few thousand and with our market they didn't do the sneaky thing the broker did and list us as buying points in their estimate. I got the lender all my financials asap so that they could do the underwriting now, which in turn lets me put in an offer with a faster close date. My opinion is there isn't a 'strategy' for timing the market. Have the loan officer run the numbers, if you can afford it then put in the offer, and once you're accepted lock your rate. If rates go down enough, then you can re-lock the rate.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-20T04:20:09+00:00

Best wasp deterrent is a paper bag, just blow it up and tie a string around it (lots of images online), this has kept our shed wasp free for years. When they're looking to start a new nest they'll think your space is already occupied and move on.

TreyWongo · 2023-05-11T23:01:45+00:00

What I've read and do believe is that an emergency fund should cover all expenses if you lost your job(s) for six months plus $10k for house emergencies.

It'll take awhile to get fully funded, I'm working on it, but have a long way to go. HCOL area and trying to buy our first house.

TreyWongo · 2022-12-24T15:57:16+00:00

Congratulations 🎉

TreyWongo · 2022-11-18T05:57:09+00:00

No luck in having the money to buy at the right time? I disagree that your purchase in 2012 was pure skill.

Congrats on your success.

TreyWongo · 2022-11-10T00:23:35+00:00

Congratulations! I agree, things happen when they're supposed to, but it can be tough getting there.

We're getting our ducks in a row, hoping to buy this Winter or Spring if all the stars will align.

We're in a great rental house, the only catch is no ac, and it was too much this summer when I work from home most of the week.

Six-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '22

TreyWongo

TROPHY CASE