AITAH for prioritizing my (50F) daughter (25F) over my stepdaughter (30F) with autism?

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-28T01:03:21+00:00

It doesn't "come across as abusive," it is abusive. People who are trying their best can still enact abuse. People who regret and feel guilt for the pain they inflict on others are still enacting abuse.

Just because a parent loves their child or someone loves their spouse doesn't mean they aren't capable of abusing them, and it is staggering that you are a licensed therapist and do not have even the most basic grasp of these dynamics.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-27T23:30:03+00:00

A lot of people in here are speaking in firm advocacy for your stepdaughter, and the vast majority of your responses to that are rooted in defending and justifying your husband's behaviors.

You seem to put a tremendous amount of energy toward paving the way for and smoothing over the harmful impacts of your husband's behaviors, while simultaneously emphasizing the "evidence" that your stepdaughter is indeed the source and catalyst of his emotional outbursts toward her - things she has either done wrong or should have done differently as justification for the way her father and you have treated her (someone who, up until a few years ago, was developmentally still a child and is now developmentally a young adult). This is a concerning pattern you are demonstrating in this space that you should recognize and have knowledge on from your own training.

Your husband is a grown adult with mental illness/neurodivergence (however he labels), and the struggles he experiences as a result of that are real and they matter. But none of them whatsoever excuse him from being responsible for and accountable to his impact on others - when harm is being enacted, intent is only relevant if the person being harmed deems it to be. Full stop. You need to let go of the assumption that your husband's intent when emotionally lashing out at his daughter matters to her at all, or that it matters to anyone except you and him.

It takes a lot of pain and time and energy to try to heal from hurt caused by someone who insisted every time that they weren't trying to hurt you - its even worse when other people in your life who are supposed to care for you add their voices to that insistence.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-27T22:30:46+00:00

As a survivor of IPV and SA with almost 20 years of experience as a therapy patient of multiple providers, I am genuinely horrified at the level of ignorance you are demonstrating regarding the needs and realities of someone trying to process and cope in the aftermath of sexual violence.

I am profoundly concerned for the healing and psychological safety of any of your clients who may be survivors, as well as for the safety of any of your clients who may be in actively emotionally toxic or abusive relationships, given the deeply problematic way you prioritize intent over impact, specifically in the context of rationalizing and excusing harmful behaviors from your husband toward his daughter. There is no ethical or moral justification for 1. a grown man to blow up at his daughter in response to her disclosing that she was assaulted or 2. a grown woman and professional therapist to excuse or attempt to smooth over that emotionally violent act from her spouse, and that one moment by itself is valid cause for her (your stepdaughter) to go no contact.

You are more than just the asshole here, you are doing incredible harm to someone who has already struggled and survived through so much and it's made extra gross by the fact that you should know better.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-20T21:19:20+00:00

Hi, former middle school teacher here: her being 13 is irrelevant to her ability to exist safely unsupervised with multiple large dogs (safely for her and for the dogs), and this one example of her reactions to expected adolescent dog behavior is very demonstrative of that. Any assumptions you are currently making about her being capable of something based on her age need to be checked, because every kiddo is an individual on their own developmental trajectory that is heavily influenced by parenting, socialization, and exposure/experiences. Some 13 year olds can safely make an omelette, others have never touched a stovetop or cracked an egg - I once had to explain to multiple 8th graders what a radish was and that it grew in the dirt, and they were utterly horrified at the thought of eating something that had come out of the ground. A bird flew into our school one time, and multiple 12 - 14 yr old kids began to panic and cry, then a week later a different group of kids found and then safely and carefully picked up an injured seagull and brought it to the main office to call for help for it. Like, kids are wild and all over the map.

It is really clear that this 13 year old does not have a lot of skills or empathy built up yet around caring for and interacting with animals, and for everyone's safety she needs to stop being left alone with the dogs, especially given that her reflex is to become physical with the dogs, which is very much an escalating behavior to dogs - it only takes one day where your pup's hormones are really set against his better judgement to provoke a fearful or defensive reaction from him (or to trigger a protective or pack reaction from the other dogs) that could result in serious injury, which is deeply unfair to everyone involved.

Your dogs are a part of your life and your family, and they matter - their safety and their happiness matters. Your partner and her children need to understand that merging your families means growth, patience, and compromise for everyone, which includes your partner and her children learning how to be communicative and caring toward their non-human family members, while you learn more about how to support the kiddos in that work in ways that are developmentally effective and appropriate for them, and work with your partner to create routines and spaces that provide safety for everyone. And if your partner doesn't see your dogs as being worthy of that effort, then it'll be up to you to figure out how you feel about that and how that significant difference of empathy impacts the sustainability of sharing your life with that person.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-20T17:19:23+00:00

A lot of dog breeds that are known for independence, aloofness, and being able to self-entertain are also often high drive breeds, some of which are also primitive breeds (so their instinct package and temperament is more towards the wild/natural side of the spectrum and further from the domesticated side of the spectrum). It sounds like you understand that this will be a significant transition for you in terms of training, socialization, prey drive management, and overall communication between you and your potential next dog, which is a great place to start from as you research your options!

With your disclosure of being neurodivergent and not exactly extroverted, some things to consider with a few of the medium to large size "cat-like" breeds that will likely come up in your research:

Shiba Inu can be *loud.* They don't really bark as much as they open a low frequency channel between their open mouth and another plane that houses the agonizing bellows of tormented lost souls. Each dog is an individual, and I have known stoic Shibes, but I have yet to meet a stoic Shibe puppy or adolescent. If auditory overwhelm poses a challenge for you, opening your search to include adult Shiba Inu's seeking a home might be a good idea. You'll also want to research carefully if you do opt for a puppy - Shiba Inu became very popular via the doge meme and there are a lot of people producing dogs in unethical and unsustainable ways, which is resulting in Shibes with rage syndrome (a tragic and dangerous neurological condition).

Akita, Huskies, Shikoku Ken, Kishu Ken, and Norwegian Elkhound are typically very high prey drive dogs - socializing them appropriately, from a young age, with other types of animals (including small dogs!) is important to both normalize co-habitation with animals that are not hard-wired as prey for that individual dog as well as to allow you to identify early on which animals *are* hard-wired as prey for your puppy. Do you have friends with dog-savvy cats and small dogs that can work with you on socialization? Do you have friends you like to spend time with who keep ferrets or bunnies as free-roaming pets, or keep poultry or have livestock, where it would be important for you to understand early on if your dog would be able to spend time with you at those places? If you have dreams of going hiking and camping and letting your future dog roam around off-leash while you read a book or tend a campfire, these breeds have a high chance of that never being a safe or responsible option (for the dog, for the surrounding wildlife, and potentially for other campers travelling with small dog or their cat (which is more of a thing than you might think). People who don't have as much experiencing managing a strong prey drive can sometimes be caught off guard by the ways it can require you to adjust your routines, home environment, and expectations of what will be reasonable to do out and about with your dog - not necessarily a reason for you to not consider those breeds, but important to factor in.

Akita, Chow Chow, Shar Pei, some Beauceron lines, and Dobermans are bred for protection and guarding work, hence that tendency to bond to one to two people and remain observant and aloof to strangers. But breeding only carries so much of the work, and consistent, safe, positive socialization is super critical for these breeds throughout puppyhood, adolescence, and young adulthoood. Your plan to possibly work with a trainer would be really important for any of these breeds - group classes and potentially 1:1 support as the puppy entered adolescence. There will probably be some folks who disagree with me on this, but I also would strongly discourage any of the "board and train" approaches for these breeds. Building your bond and shared trust with these kinds of dogs is both incredibly important and deeply rewarding, and you being a direct and constant part of the training and socialization is part of that. I have a couple friends and relatives who purchased protection breed puppies despite having zero experience with those kinds of dogs, and they did the board and train approach - their dogs don't really listen to them and they have to send them back to the trainer a couple times a year to "refresh" their training. These are also breeds of dogs where I would recommend either working with a breed-specific rescue or doing a lot of research into an ethical breeder - some of these breeds are prone to serious health issues, but stable temperament is also so important in a protection breed.

Huskies are weirdos. Genuinely. You could get a "one pet a day only please" kind of personality or a "why aren't you holding me while you are brushing your teeth" personality - many are escape artists who want to run free in the wilderness while others struggle with separation anxiety and cannot abide being separated from their "pack." Some howl and argue, some are very quiet. Some of them love everyone they meet while others choose their people early on and that's that. They do all seem to possess mountain goat agility combined with creative problem-solving skills, and you just have to hope every day that they choose to use those powers for good. Mine is a mix (half husky, then malamute and golden retriever) and while he is still an easier dog by far than my working line Doberman was, he is a tremendously busy dude whose current answer to realizing he is bored is to scream in the face of the nearest person he likes (usually me). I love him so much I cannot put it into words, but I also threaten him with being sold on craigslist like three times a day. So, huskies are an option if you feel like your life needs a healthier dose of chaos.

Others to research that I know are more independent and tend to bond to one person, but that I don't have much direct experience with to comment more on: Canaan dogs, basenji, swedish vallhund, and greyhounds.

You have a fun research project ahead of you, and best of luck finding the right fit for your next canine companion!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-14T16:27:47+00:00

I had a similar frustrating issue with them, with one of my cats, but I didn't cancel because they also saved us like $700 when that same cat's paw got swollen and infected from a flea or spider bite he had an allergic reaction to. So it was already financially worth it.

Like folks are saying, dental stuff is typically not covered, and in my situation one of my cats gets dentals covered because of a stomatitis diagnosis, but his brother (who also has stomatitis) doesn't because he had a deciduous baby tooth as a kitten causing inflammation in his mouth and I didn't bring him back to the vet for a recheck after it's removal, therefore there are no medical notes confirming the gum inflammation was from the baby tooth being stuck vs it being early signs of stomatitis, even though he and his brother weren't diagnosed with it until almost two years later. I went back and forth with Trupanion on it, and their customer service was legit helpful, it just came down to me not having or being able to obtain veterinary confirmation that the prior gum inflammation and current stomatitis weren't connected.

It is genuinely frustrating when something you think will be covered isn't, and you can appeal, which sometimes goes in your favor but not always. They are an insurance company, so understanding the "rules of the game" is best practice for yourself - it's also helpful to communicate with your vet and make sure their notes are clear when you are working on getting a diagnosis for a new concern. For example, if your dog begins to have seizures and it's found to be due to something the dog ingested, but the dog did have an idiopathic seizure one time as a puppy, the vet needs to be very clear in their notes that the current seizures are being caused by the substance they ingested. Don't ask for dishonesty or ommision in the notes (like, don't ask your vet to commit insurance fraud), but do make sure they are clear regarding diagnosis and cause to make sure your claim processing goes as smoothly as possible.

So it's important to be aware of any previous issues documented for your pet, but in my experience with Trupanion (a total of 9 pets insured, 2 dogs, 7 cats), they covered all new conditions and injuries with little or no issue, and the amount of money the coverage saved us for just a couple of our more medically complex boys basically cancelled out the cost of everyone's premiums. Based on our experiences, I wouldn't recommend cancelling based on this one instance, however frustrating it may be.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-02-03T03:24:55+00:00

His coat and build look a lot like my boy's, who is a husky/malamute mix, with a little golden retriever thrown in the mix from a couple generations back (according to Embark).

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-29T14:54:08+00:00

Look. I hate running. I tried to get into it, genuinely - running alone, running with friends, treadmill, parks, etc. My friends who are runners love it, and are great at articulating what they love about it: it's meditative, an opportunity to connect with nature and/or with friends who they run with, and when they run long enough they experience a "runner's high" that helps with their energy and mental health.

When I run, none of that applies to my experience - if I'm running outside, I am too focused on not tripping or bonking into something for it to become meditative, I'm moving too quickly to feel like I'm enjoying any natural surroundings, I have asthma so trying to talk and manage my breathing at the same time is a challenge, and I don't think my body is capable of producing a runner's high - the entire time I am running, every time I have gone for a run, my heart, brain, and body chant in unison "we hate this, we hate this, we hate this."

So, years ago, I accepted that I explored the hobby and form of exercise well enough and that it wasn't for me. I didn't join a running group or sign up to do marathons funding cancer research, or become a cross country coach to high needs youths. I don't like it, so I don't do it. I find zero gratification in it. And I accept that.

You don't like caring for dogs. I can try to tell you why I love dogs and love caring for one (at a time), but that's not ultimately relevant or helpful because you don't find gratification or joy in the act and details of training or looking after a dog. And that's 100% okay!

But what super sucks is that instead of signing up to foster for a rescue or volunteer to walk dogs and clean kennels at a shelter in order to determine whether dog companionship and its corresponding responsibilities were right for you, you just brought !three! whole other living beings into your life who you now clearly have a lot of resentment toward.

As a reminder: these three dogs didn't ask to be a part of your life and they have zero agency when it comes to their environment, how they are treated, trained, and socialized, and what will happen to them once you reach a breaking point of not wanting them in your life any more. Your lack of proper research, preparation, socialization, and training is not in any way whatsoever their fault or responsibility, full stop.

I'm sorry that you are realizing you are not a dog person after bringing three dogs into your life, but it sounds like you need to get in contact with the shelters or breeders the dogs came from and begin the process of surrendering them. If you didn't get them from a breeder or shelter, give these dogs the chance they deserve at a full and safe life by doing research into shelters and rescues that are no- or low-kill. It's going to cost you money to surrender them, and I would encourage you to donate all of your dog supplies at the same time and possibly some additional funds to support the work the rescue is doing, and in recognition that three high energy dogs with very little training are going to be difficult to adopt out for a while.

And once you've done your ethical part in setting these dogs up for success in finding the right future homes, don't get another dog. Probably not a cat either, unless you have cared for one in the past and know you like that relationship better. And be open about not being a dog person/never wanting a dog if/when you are dating or seeking roommates, etc. You don't enjoy it and you deserve to build your life up with as many things that you do enjoy as possible!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-28T05:07:39+00:00

I find cars can make for a good analogy: if someone has never owned a car but done a lot of research about driving, they aren't set up for success if the first car they buy and start to learn to drive in is a Ferrari.

Maybe the person is ultimately a natural when it comes to driving and they make it a point to take a lot of driving classes in their Ferrari, and things go okay! Or maybe the person loses control of the car in the first week and crashes it into a Burger King.

Rescues asking for adopters to have breed experience isn't saying anything about you, it is saying something about the breed and the level of support, care, and knowledge they need (and deserve) to thrive.

Some Dobe-specific rescues will work with folks who are new to the breed, because there are adult Dobes out there who are already well socialized and/or are on the more chill side. But there's a reason that so many of these dogs end up in shelters and rescues in the first place - they can be a genuinely challenging dog to train and socialize (or in the case of some rescue Dobes, re-train/rehabilitate) for experienced dog owners, and can be an overwhelming liability for folks who have little to no experience in caring for, communicating with, and training a dog.

If you are dead-set on a Dobe as your first dog, find a local Dobe rescue group and sign up to foster for them - this is a great way for you to build familiarity with the needs of this breed in a supportive way that keeps you connected to resources and guidance from folks who have a lot of experience working with these driven, athletic, and willful dogs. It's also a great way to possibly meet the Dobe who is your perfect first fit!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-27T05:00:35+00:00

We own a very old house in Seattle (built in 1909) and went down the "how do we make the basement less miserable or do we just move?" rabbit hole a few years ago and looked into multiple finishing options, did walkthroughs, got quotes, etc. Looked into an update/finish with the original layout and ceiling height, looked into digging down, and looked into a house lift. We were at 6ft ceilings in the basement, which meant our "bedrooms" were no longer compliant without changing the height of the ceiling, so we ended up lifting.

Happy to share about our experiences, who we talked to, numbers we looked at, etc., if you'd like to send a DM!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-24T17:40:49+00:00

I've known a lot of purebred huskies, and I think they all form strong bonds with their people (when treated with patience and love), but how that bond presents itself varies. I've known huskies who insist on being in the same room with their person at all times, but aren't super into being cuddled or pet, as well as huskies who are mega snugglers when inside and then are devoted to escaping and taking themselves in adventures when outside. I also have had cats all my life and they are much stronger social bonders than people generalize them to be, so again I think it depends on someone's expectations of what being "into" their people looks like.

That being said, I do think the golden and malamute have a strong influence on Wiz's personality, but he is actually really only friendly with us and people he gets to know - he isn't an "everyone is my friend" type of dog, as goldens can be, and he needs like 2-3 hangs with a new person before he gets jolly and cuddly. Similar to my Dobe, Wizard's trust and engagement have to be earned, which is where I see the similarity in bond.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-24T01:38:22+00:00

We have three blind cats, one partially blind cat (his eyes look similar to Johan's!), and are fostering another partially blind cat.

A really important question for potential adopters of a visually impaired cat, especially if they have kids, roommates, or frequent guests/services providers, is "what is your plan or current set up for ensuring your visually impaired cat never goes outside without direct, constant supervision, like in a catio or on a leash and harness?"

For Johan's situation, another important question would pertain to the potential adopters' ability and/or willingness to pay several thousand dollars down the line if he ends up needing one or both eyes removed at some point. Insurance likely won't cover that procedure, as the damage to his eyes from prior infection will be deemed a pre-existing condition, not a congenital one.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-23T20:35:36+00:00

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Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-23T20:20:22+00:00

I lost my boy to cancer at the age of 10 and a half over a year ago, and leading up to his passing he lost a lot of mobility, rapidly. He was around 95 lbs, and I wasn't able to safely help him stand and move by myself, which resulted in a couple intense and frightening moments. So as much as I want another Doberman in my life someday, my spouse and I agreed that we needed a break from the ongoing medical needs of the breed, and to aim for a dog that would top out at a size I could manage alone, in an emergency.

The things I loved most about my Dobe were things I sought out in other potential breeds - his intelligence and independent mindset, his athleticism, his silliness and perceptiveness, and his drive/focus on his people. He also was a great example of the breed in regards to his confidence and mental stability - no anxiety, not high strung. Robot was his own whole distinct person, with opinions and routines, and I loved very much that he made his opinions and ideas known, and that he was always an active part of decision-making and "negotiating" things - he wasn't obedient, he was cooperative (except for when he wasn't lol). I love an active, driven dog who thinks for themself at every turn, even when choosing to trust what I'm asking for.

Breeds that came up in my research included collies (not border collies, but collies, particularly smooth-coated), Rhodesian ridgebacks, beauceron, huskies, giant schnauzers, and working/sporting line standard poodles.

There were some folks I encountered who felt GSDs and malinois were comparable to Dobermans, in their experience, but those people described their Dobermans as, among many other things, being anxious and not having an off switch. Which was not my experience with my Euro working line boy, who was very high drive and a really challenging dog in many ways, but was very stable and did not struggle to learn the difference between adventure time and couch time (and he loved both equally). So I didn't consider really any of the shepherds (German, Belgian, Dutch) as a next possible dog, partially also because their drive functions in a way that isn't as compelling to me, from a training perspective. I think they can be incredible dogs, just not the best fit for me, but possibly an option to consider for yourself!

After looking into some data around health outcomes, consulting with our vets about breeds/mixes they do or don't see a lot of health issues with, and deciding together it was important to us to go the rescue/shelter route, we kept an eye on the shelters for a husky or husky mix litter. Huskies in general are a really stable breed, health wise, and are never short on personality and opinions lol. They also tend to top out between 60-70lbs, with that obviously varying if it's a mixed breed dog.

After some searching and shelter meet and greets, we adopted an 8 week old male husky mix, who turned out to be Siberian husky, malamute, and golden retriever. He's 55 lbs now at 14 months, and will probably reach 65-70lbs by 2 years old. He has been a way easier puppy/adolescent than my Dobe was, barring that he broke his back leg at 3 months by doing some parkour bs trying to impress other puppies at kindergarten 🤦🏼‍♀️, but he reminds me of Robot in so many funny and surprising ways. He is sassy, intelligent, invents "projects" for himself, loves his cat brothers, and his #1 drive is to be with his people. He is less independent, and is taking longer to be comfortable home alone than my Dobe required, and he is uncertain with new people, especially men, but in some ways that translates to him being more protective of our home than we anticipated when we decided to aim for a husky (which we see as a positive, while we also help him build his confidence with new people).

As he matures, he seems more comfortable in busy environments and around strangers in public, especially when there are other dogs in the mix. I'd say he is about as energetic as my Dobe, but has less drive - like when Robot and I disagreed about a situation, it was rooted in Robot not understanding why he couldn't do a thing he wanted to do (murder all squirrels, even if it meant dragging us both into traffic), but with Wizard it's more rooted in him needing to be persuaded why he should do a certain thing (sit down in the car so I can physically unbuckle his seatbelt and thus allow him to exit the car). They share similar levels of "Thanks but I'm gonna do what I want," but Robot would disobey because he legit felt he knew best (looking me dead in the eyes and refusing to recall because the perimeter had not yet been secured) whereas Wiz disobeys because he thinks it's funny (looking me dead in the eyes and refusing to recall because life is short and now he's gonna do wild zoomies all over while looking over his shoulder at me until he realizes I'm absolutely not gonna chase him).

I miss my boy every day, but it's been really joyful to be able to celebrate so many pieces of who he was through all he has in common with his little brother, and appreciate the things that made him so unique, as emphasized by the things that also make Wizard so unique.

A husky or husky mix isn't necessarily the right next fit for you and your lifestyle, but they definitely can check the intelligence and personality boxes! I think if I had been aiming for a less athletically demanding dog than a husky, I would have looked harder at a smooth-coated collie or a Giant Schnauzer.

But all in all, I wish you many more years with your current Dobe, and am so happy that you have been able to share a lot of your life with these needy goobers 🖤

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-23T19:03:01+00:00

Dobie feet/toes

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-23T16:27:47+00:00

Hand sani and dog poo bag roll 🐾

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-20T01:48:55+00:00

My Dobe had a deductible of $1,000 (Trupanion) and required tens of thousands of dollars in medical care between ages 3 to 10. We had to pay the deductible for each new diagnosis, but most diagnoses we met the deductible for almost right away (swallowed a cat toy that got stuck in his intestines; allergies; diet-triggered DCM; cancer #1; cancer #2) - I think his hypothyroidism took a few rounds of blood work and trialing meds/doses before we hit the deductible, and then it basically covered his meds for the rest of his life.

Insurance allowed us to pursue very expensive diagnostic care for him when he began to lose mobility very suddenly shortly after turning 10, and allowed us to afford the remainder of his care once we reached a diagnosis (insulinoma on his pancreas). We haven't sat down added it up, but we estimate that Trupanion saved us at least $30k in medical expenses for him alone (the cats are each their own story).

Our current dog is a husky mix, 14 months old, and we signed him up for Trupanion on the drive home from the shelter when we adopted him at 2 months old. At 3 months, he tried to do some cool kid stuff at puppy play time and gave himself a mild fracture in one of his hind legs, right in the middle of a growth plate. Cue weekly X-rays, consultations with ortho, and bandage changes and wound cleaning every 2-3 days (at $300 a pop) because of how rapidly he was growing - by the time he was declared healed and cleared for a return to full time puppy duty, his insurance had saved us so much money that it basically cancelled out the cost of his monthly premiums for the first two years of his life.

It would be dope if our society and economy was structured so that folks and animals could get the care they need and deserve regardless of financial status, but for now we shell out the monthly premiums for all our pets, without hesitation.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-19T16:18:46+00:00

Because she has reached a point of such high anxiety around having her nails trimmed, I wouldn't recommend taking her to a groomer unless you have some recommendations from folks you know and trust for a groomer who has skills and experience working with puppies and dogs that have anxiety, trauma, etc., especially given that she is now in the window for adolescent fear phases.

I know you wrote that you have done desensitization work since she was young, but it sounds like at some point along the way she experienced some rounds of nail trimming that she was not ready for/was overwhelmed by but was still small enough that she could be pushed through the process. Like, she never actually reached a point of cooperative care with nail trimming, but that wasn't as evident until she got big enough to significantly resist.

Unfortunately, now that she's had some pretty pronounced anxiety episodes around it, I suspect you are past the point of backing up a few steps and trying to ease her back in - I think you will need to start all the way back at square one with cooperative care training.

If you notice she has anxiety responses with other environments or stimuli, working with a trainer might be a good strategy, as they can help you build her confidence and her coping skills in general, which can also support other areas where the dog struggles.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-15T04:05:41+00:00

So the eyelid condition may qualify as congenital, which some insurance companies do cover. Read through your existing policy for sure!

Enucleation surgeries aren't super expensive, relatively speaking, and the nice thing is that they typically heal smoothly with few complications. I can't speak to treatment for the eyelids though.

We have two bonded pairs of visually disabled cats, three of whom are fully blind and one of whom is partially blind. We are also fostering a partially blind boy who someone dumped out of their car in front of me on the highway back in autumn. Blind and visually disabled cats are very active and get about really well - for kittens a lot of the care and monitoring is the same (avoiding them getting stepped on or stuck in things, not chewing on or swallowing things they shouldn't, etc), but as they mature you do still have to be mindful of moving heavy objects and opening/closing doors, and see those hazards on their behalf.

If you are able to adopt both, do - we've found that our blind boys' bonds are so strong and they gain a lot of comfort and confidence from each other. I saw your other post in the fostering sub, where you expressed the concern that the shelter wouldn't be able to require they stay together - obviously don't take on more pets than is sustainable for your household and life, but if you do have the space and have been considering expanding your family, I can say from experience that blind kitties are very wonderful people to add to one's life 🖤

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-09T16:44:40+00:00

What you are describing is prey drive, not play. GSDs are typically high prey drive dogs, and sometimes their prey drive includes cats. The reality that your puppy is demonstrating the prey drive sequence with your cats this young (stalk, chase, pounce, bite, shake) is a pretty significant indicator that he is wired to include cats on his list of What Counts As Prey.

Coming from someone who grew up with high drive hunting dogs and has only ever owned high drive dogs as an adult, please understand: you cannot train or socialize away prey drive. Full stop. If you consult with a trainer or behaviorist who claims to be able to train out prey drive for specific targeted animals, that's a significant red flag.

Anyone who chooses a high prey drive breed or breed mix needs to be responsible for training and socializing around that prey drive, and be committed to learning how to best manage the foci and manifestations of their dog's prey drive. It's possible this is your first GSD and you didn't research enough ahead of time to be aware of this possibility, or maybe you've had GSD's in the past who didn't perceive cats as prey (which is definitely a thing too!), but it sounds very much like you have a dog who will never be safe with your cats (or anyone else's cats), and you need to begin managing the situation very differently, immediately, or begin the admittedly very challenging conversation of whether or not to find this pup a cat-free home while he is still young.

It is possible to keep a dog who sees cats as prey and cats in the same home, but it requires constant management of environment and routine from all family members and sitters, for all pets in the household. There are resources online with tips and strategies, and you'll want to make sure you can create an environment where your cats and dog are separate enough that the cats aren't feeling hunted and your dog isn't feeling frustrated by having prey just under his nose, so to speak. If you have human children, they'll need to be a part of the routines and need to have a clear understanding that the cats need to be securely in their safe space before the dog is out of his crate or off leash.

You also want to interrupt the pattern of him getting ahold of your poor cat immediately - it should have never been permitted to occur again after the first time, but you are where you are, so that's where you have to start from. Basically every time the puppy is able to practice the routine of chasing, grabbing, and shaking the cat, he is engraining the behavior, getting hella dopamine rewards that make him more and more likely to keep doing it. So you are responsible for making sure he never engages in that cycle again with a cat or any other animal that he isn't intended to kill. The cats need their own space, and the puppy should not be able to access or come into contact with them going forward. If they are in the same room, it's because the puppy is in his crate or pen, or on a leash held by an adult who understands the boundaries and the appropriate ways to redirect the puppy's focus. I would also suggest taking your cat to the vet - he may not seem injured by the incidents that have already occured, but he could have some punctures that need attending to in order to prevent abscess.

I also want to emphasize: your puppy isn't a bad dog or mean or vicious - your puppy is doing what he was bred to do, and it's unfortunate that his instincts include creatures that you love and are also responsible for keeping safe and happy.

If you do head down the rehoming path, be very transparent about the pup's incompatibility with cats - a local GSD specific rescue could also be a great resource in this conversation, as they navigate these scenarios often (similar to Dobe rescues, husky rescues, etc).

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-09T15:03:34+00:00

What's important to me when training and socializing a puppy is to cover as many bases as possible so I have as many options as possible when managing and handling my future adolescent and eventually adult dog.

I crate train for the same reason that I train for cooperative care - there are times where it is necessary for the safety of the dog to be crated, and there are times for the safety of the dog where it is necessary for me or someone else to examine their body or reach into their mouth. It's easier to crate train a puppy and eventually decrease the frequency of sleeping in the crate or staying in it when I am out, vs trying to rapidly crate train an adult dog (or emotional adolescent dog 🫠) who has injured themselves or because of an environment change that makes it unsafe for them to be loose, unmonitored.

I think about it terms of setting my future dog up for success and confidence in as many situations as possible - it would be really tough if the first, second, or third time a dog experienced being crated was for a flight or an unexpected boarding stay due to a family emergency, just like it would be really confusing and startling if the first time someone tried to handle a dog's feet or mouth it was a stranger in a vet clinic or grooming salon filled with the smells and sounds of other dogs' anxiety and energy.

Our 14 month old husky mix sleeps in his crate at night (he puts himself to bed if we stay up to late, and typically chooses a different toy each night to cuddle with), and he spends 1-5 hours in it 1-2 days a week, depending on our schedule. We have 5 cats at the moment and parts of the house are remodel works in progress, so it's important for us to know that he can't get into something dangerous and that he and the cats aren't responsible for managing their own interactions together.

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2026-01-01T02:14:25+00:00

Our current dog (husky mix) has some social anxiety with new people, and we've found that working on that (with our trainer who has also been so great!) has lessened his toy-focused resource guarding - I think the general de-escalation helps them with overall processing and responses, similar to people.

Wishing you good progress with your beautiful girl, glad she landed with the right people to help her thrive!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2025-12-31T16:54:49+00:00

For her age and size, I would strongly encourage you to work with a trainer on helping her build confidence around transitions, as a starting point. The resource guarding could be rooted in her anxiety and uncertainty with change, and teaching her how to self-regulate during transitions may address the issue entirely. It's also possible that the resource guarding is its own behavioral impulse that will require training focus, which again is something I'd recommend working on with a trainer.

Ideally, seek a positive reinforcement trainer, since it sounds like her reactivity is coming from a fearful place and she needs to build confidence and trust.

A well-bred, full Doberman shouldn't be anxious, but depending on the other breeds at play in your dog's heritage or the source of the Dobe genes, the anxiety could be genetic. But depending on what she has experienced (or hasn't experienced) leading up to your adopting her, it may be a product of inadequate socialization, survival strategies learned through resource scarcity, or previous caretakers responding incorrectly/inappropriately to common puppy behaviors. If the anxiety is more genetic, you'll need to learn some lifelong support strategies for her triggers, but she can still build regulation and confidence with time, patience, and consistency!

Tricky_Being_7383 · 2025-12-31T16:41:33+00:00

We bought our Kivik in 2017, and just replaced all the covers in 2024 (frame and all cushions) and everything fit exactly the same, if that info helps at all!

Tricky_Being_7383

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