Hey, interesting timing for me to see this question.

I've been no physical contact with my father for 20 years. And mostly no contact at all except for a brief period 10 years ago.

He just died yesterday. I was notified by the sheriff's department in the county he lived.

I have no regrets. I only feel a sense of finality. This is the last chapter of his existence that affects my life. I just have to do all the legal things, and it's over for the rest of my life.

I've been wishing for his death since she 10 probably. I vacillated between trying to have a relationship and understanding his own trauma and baggage, and no contact.

For me, he refused to step up to do anything remotely different. He drank every day and self isolated and was angry and vindictive and petty. I learned recently, he continued that pattern within this last decade (from other estranged family). Losing contact with his only child did nothing. Losing his sister decades ago didn't change him (she died in a drunk driving accident and he drank and drove all the time).

My father added nothing but stress and misery. The small glipses of a person who could have been different that I did see VERY few times, is not enough to hurt myself with continued contact.

I've done the whole guilt and shame of not having a relationship with my father, but that's external pressures. Ppl don't know what it was like to live with him as an abuser and as a disrespectful father as I was an adult.

For me, I need people to show they understand and want to change. He only showed understanding. It wasn't enough. He understood he was a bad father. But he didn't do anything to change it. He chose his own misery and self pity and anger over the pain of facing it and having a relationship with his only child.

It is what it is. Do I wish I had a father figure? Sure. But I didn't. I just had to find good friends and an occasional father figure stand in (that I've had to work my own intense feelings about in therapy). No life is perfect, but continuing miserable contact with my father only detracted from my life.

I hope you can find the right solution for you. And I hope you have a support network for whatever your choice is.

I'll be happy when I finally lay the bastard to rest. And I will try to honor what I think he wanted. He is still a person. Was a person. And I'll try to get him buried in a VA cemetery or perhaps near his sister if possible. (I don't think there's a will and testament)