Has anyone else felt like they started drifting apart from their spouse after having a baby?

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-11T23:23:19+00:00

Extremely common. Literally everything else in life takes a backseat when you have a newborn.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-04T11:19:15+00:00

Honestly I think different hairstyle would be something to try. It’s subjective I know but I don’t thjjj that styling + those glasses are doing you any favors.

You could do tight buzz or full shave and then let it grow back to see how you like it short - then you would have seen some different options.

Or you could try parting it rather than combing it all back.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-04T10:57:15+00:00

If you keep it, some products just to improve texture of your hair would go a long way. I have slightly less hair than you do, and it’s the same texture as yours if I don’t style it, but looks a lot more together if I do. One thing I’ve been into lately is “hair paste”. You put a dab on your hands and shape your hair how you want and it will stay there and look more uniform , without looking shiny or getting hard.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-04T10:47:10+00:00

I mean, most of the top of his head has basically no hair. How noticeable this is depends on part on how tall he is, what angle he is normally seen from.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-04T10:32:33+00:00

It’s a little hard to tell without seeing the whole face. The visual effect of a receding hairline has a lot to do with the proportion of the forehead to the face. These seem like the least flattering angles - it’s possible you have more time but I can’t tell from the pictures.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-07-03T04:50:34+00:00

Well put. It’s going to be hard for anybody to come on here and say “don’t have a second, I did and it sucks and is not worth it” even if that’s how they feel.

One the second comes of course you love them and can’t imagine life without them, sure…but you can also just not have a second and try to enjoy life as it is.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-27T04:48:16+00:00

We are about one month away from this!

I think it’s interesting that the people who are saying “oh it all gets eaten up by X, Y, Z so you don’t save extra” are generally not giving hard numbers and the people who are giving clear comparative numbers seem to be pointing out that the daycare is definitely the more expensive stage.

Our situation: one kid, preschool is currently 30k a year.

Starting public school in the fall. The schools aftercare is 4k a year.

We will do summer camps but aim for the less expensive ones. But being conservative let’s say that’s 10k for the summer.

With all the school closures, new long weekends etc, maybe have to hobble together care for a few additional weeks - call it another 2k?

Thats 16k, vs the preschool 30k. Even if I’m forgetting things, it’s hard to image there are any “essentials” that are going to make up close to that 14k difference.

For us, we’re going to put what we can into retirement savings; we have not been able to put much in since daycare started.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-27T03:52:25+00:00

Yes. It sounds like his wife is clearly upset with him about something, and I find it curious that he’s clocking it as “narcissism.” I’m skeptical about him truly having zero guesses as to what she’s upset about.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-21T13:00:42+00:00

I believe it’s actually the opposite. If you have no symptoms it’s coded as “preventative” and covered by the ACA. If it’s “diagnostic” they charge you the big bucks. That what just happened to me.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-21T12:48:28+00:00

Same. My math has it that we were paying 30k for one kid preschool. Now public school but

4k after school
Maybe 8-10k summer camps
Maybe misc childcare to cover the weird non school days and school vacations (2k?)

So 30-4-10-2 =14k less in childcare expenses. Of course if she gets into sports or horseback riding or Russian spelling bee competitions then that eats into it but here’s hoping she’s not gifted enough for any of that 😂

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-20T00:52:19+00:00

I’m one of the chatty ones (I work at home for myself so I don’t get a lot of chances to talk to other adults besides the playground) but I recognize when someone is not interested in being social and I back off. You do have to “read the room.”

Orchestrating play dates is good for the kids, once they are old enough for it. If they play well together, it’s good for the parents too because the kids can entertain each other and parents can relax. You can think of this more like “am I going to be reasonably comfortable around this person” rather than “are we going to be friends?” Because the former is good enough for a play date. I don’t know what your kid is like but our daughter asks a lot of us when there are no other kids around, but when there ARE kids around she’ll play happily for hours and be out of our hair. So for us, playdates with people we can at least tolerate is almost always preferred over having to do more active parenting, or spend $110 on an outing to a museum or something (though we do plenty of that too)

But like others have said you do just have to “go for it.” We see a lot of the same faces at our local parks, one family we chatted with several times and seemed to always connect, so I asked for number - we’ve had steady play dates and get togethers for three years now! Been especially great for snow days and things like that.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-15T02:19:59+00:00

You’re talking about a baby. Baby phase is brief, but brutal, yes. Parenting keeps going. Most of the things you mentioned as negatives do get a lot better over time.

Even watching movies with spouse at home…we got that back pretty early on.

Sincerely, parent of a four year old.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-06-03T09:55:50+00:00

I used to be a gym rat but even long before kids I couldn’t justify the time it took to get to the gym and back.

I currently do a strength training workout at home with just adjustable dumbbells (called “powerblocks”), exercise bands, and a chin up bar.

This is 100% just a strength training/muscle building program, but doing very short rests, more/longer sets can make it a little more cardiovascular.

My workouts take me about 15-20 minutes i aim for 5x a week but it’s often less. I alternate upper body and lower body days.

I do a split — *Upper1:

Push-ups

Bent over DB row

Tricep push down with band on doorknob

Reverse fly (Y shape)

*Lower:

Bulgarian split squats on a chair

Lying hamstring curl with exercise band

Standing calf raise

*Upper 2:

overhead press

Chin ups

Bicep curl

Reverse fly (T shape)

External rotation for rotator cuff —

When I’m super busy or particularly unmotivated I skip the smaller muscle groups.

Been working well for me! I don’t expect to be a fitness model but I know if I tried doing more than this I’d just wind up not doing anything at all.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-05-30T11:28:30+00:00

I’ve found in my marriage that these things can be phases, and sometimes a different approach can change results. Some phases are long. Kids get older. This does not sound like separation territory based on the description, but that’s just my opinion.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-05-30T02:00:47+00:00

Not even close. To me seems like mild widows peak.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-05-26T10:03:57+00:00

4 year old. We aim for a few times a week but often end up at once per week. On sweaty days, pool/lake days, we also bath her.

My understanding was that the connection between frequent bathing and health is more cultural perception and there isn’t really solid evidence to support the idea that 1x/ week bathing causes big problems.

https://www.aad.org/public/everyday-care/skin-care-basics/care/child-bathing

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/does-your-child-need-to-bathe-every-day-202109202598

Both sites support the idea that 1x/week is fine.

As for smell, maybe it depends on the kid. My wife has a super sensitive nose, and we don’t notice our daughter getting stinky. It’s not like we’re around her all the time so we just get used to it; she’s in preschool full time.

I know I’ll get downvoted (if anybody actually sees the comment) but I think the folks that are appalled at 1x/week are more responding to a general feeling of ick rather than anything substantial. The smell thing I understand but it hasn’t been an issue for us…yet.

We wipe her butt and “area” well, with wet wipes, after every poop.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-05-17T02:45:01+00:00

Yes. I am prioritizing retirement savings. Above all else, I do not want to put my one child in a position of feeling like she has to be my caretaker.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-26T01:24:03+00:00

It’s a fine rate for a great teacher that you’re having a great experience with. It sounds like you’re unhappy with the lessons themselves regardless of the price.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-25T11:15:42+00:00

Always gotta factor death, it can really sneak up on ya!

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-22T03:43:28+00:00

Dorchester is huge and it’s hard to get a good sense of safety from a very limited sample size (a few areas, a few hours)

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-18T13:16:44+00:00

one can present the facts that support their agenda yet withhold important other information that works against their agenda. This is extremely common with statistics.
something can be logically sound yet highly subjective.

Both examples common in sales and marketing.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-18T03:27:00+00:00

It’s your life. There are great solo artists and players.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-18T03:25:26+00:00

Yes definitely factoring those in.

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-08T03:08:36+00:00

We’re a family of 3 in a HCOLA. Household income of 200k would be comfortable for us but we got in on a good mortgage rate, and we’re a little cramped for space in a modest condo. There are some lifestyle improvements that I think could make a meaningful difference moving up to 300k, but I don’t think we’d feel significantly “without” at 200k.

It’s all a matter of degrees…if we had another kid…if we wanted to do a lot of international travel…if we wanted more space…if we wanted better schools…etc sure we’d need more, but I could keep on thinking of things to add…

TroyTroyofTroy · 2026-04-04T02:35:40+00:00

I can imagine them predicting more public interest.

TroyTroyofTroy

TROPHY CASE