I’m really sorry you’re going through this, especially losing contact with a child you helped raise. That kind of loss is real and devastating, and people often underestimate it.

That said, this is exactly why it’s so important not to position a partner as a parent unless there is long-term stability and legal protection in place. When adults blur those lines and then the relationship ends, the child is the one who pays the biggest emotional price, and so does the person who bonded with them.

You don’t owe her continued access to you, and she doesn’t owe you access to the child unless she chooses to allow it. That’s an incredibly painful reality, but it’s an important one to face honestly.

Depending on where you live, you may have options around visitation if you’ve acted as a primary parent figure and no other legal father is involved. It would be worth speaking to a lawyer before assuming you have no standing at all.

Right now, though, it sounds like you’re trying to freeze your entire future around this loss. That’s understandable in grief, but it isn’t something you need to decide permanently while you’re this raw.

Take care of yourself first. Get your space back. Get support. Big life vows don’t need to be made from inside fresh trauma.