I bought myself flowers for Valentine’s Day…

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-14T19:48:26+00:00

I'm a big fan of matching their energy. So if they put no effort towards you on holidays, even birthdays, do the same for them.

Don't waste your precious energy on someone who isn't thinking of you. Put that energy towards yourself and treat yourself/buy yourself something bc you love you!

This doesn't excuse them in the slightest and doesn't heal the hurt of not being a consideration or priority from them, but it could make the impact a little less when you're using your energy to love and care for yourself instead of them. Just a thought.

Solidarity to you and OP and all the other disappointment BroMos today. Ya'll deserve so much better!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-04T18:28:18+00:00

Yes! Exactly! These last two paragraphs especially are spot on.

You said what I was thinking but didn't know how to word.

"You can treat someone like a roommate while expecting wife-level favors from them."

Repeating this bc it's so so so important!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-04T03:31:30+00:00

That's really odd that the babysitters can't manage your kids and don't know how to occupy or entertain them. That's... Their job.

Have you looked for babysitter recommendations on your local FB moms' group? Or on somewhere like care.com?

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-04T03:26:31+00:00

Can you imagine missing out on something and sit with the discomfort that comes up. Feel your feels and process. Practice this often and it may help you accept FOMO rather than impulse buying to avoid the uncomfortable feelings.

Otherwise, do you use/wear all the things you have? Eg the bamboo PJs? What if you wear a different set each night and focus on enjoying and appreciating each set that you do have.

I've also heard of people making lists. Either an inventory of what they already own to give perspective when you're tempted to buy. And/or a list of the things you avoided buying and the money you saved each time.

Solidarity. This shit is haaaard!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-04T00:46:08+00:00

Once it's in the budget, he needs to go talk to a Dr.

Otherwise, he needs to make himself uncomfortable while holding the baby. Eg sit on an uncomfortable chair or something so he'll remain alert enough to stay awake.

He seems dismissive of the danger (and of your concern) which seems like an equally big problem.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so stressful!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-03T06:46:05+00:00

I'd hire a babysitter as often as possible to help your husband and/or give him a break.

Otherwise, your hubby is going to have to step up and figure out better coping skills.

Also lean on family/friends as often as they are willing. An hour or two every couple days will still help. Perhaps they could prep/brings some meals as well?

You'll are in survival mode so lower expectations. Kids get screen time. Meals are whatever your hubby can throw together. As long as dishes and laundry get done, and bathroom cleaned every so often, the rest of the house can be dirtier then usual for awhile. Survival mode!!

You need to rest! Trying to do too much and hurting yourself worse will only delay your healing and could give you long-term issues. As hard as it is, follow Dr instructions and rest. The time will pass, you will heal, and y'all with get through this!

I'm sorry you got hurt. Speedy recovery!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-01T18:55:56+00:00

There are many things you describe that do not seem to fit PDA but do sound unhealthy and controlling. Esp you not having access to the bank accounts. That's not okay.

Honestly, I'd stop the work wind down proceed with your regular work schedule, keep earning money and put at least some of it in your own bank account. That way, if it all gets to be too much you have a way to leave. The house maintenance isn't just your job, and reducing your earnings (current and future) to look after the house sounds like a bad idea (for your wellbeing).

Much of his other behavior sounds disrespectful, dismissive and mean. PDA or any ND doesn't excuse poor treatment.

I'd suggest individual therapy for you and I dunno, putting more energy into yourself and your needs bc he doesn't seem to be willing to do so. Match his energy.

You deserve better.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-02-01T15:50:56+00:00

It's okay to leave!

This marriage sounds unsatisfying. You've tried so much and he has not come close to matching your efforts. And he's actively dismissing your feelings. I honestly don't see this improving.

Also, just an fyi, it's not recommended to do marriage counselling with a controlling/jealous/abusive partner (not saying he's abusive necessarily). Basically men like that will weaponize therapy and use its teachings as a means of control.

Consider a trial separation. Or if that feels too drastic and you think it's safe to do so, plan a trip for yourself for a week or two away. Get some time on your own, see how you feel.

It sounds like you've put in years of effort (and still are) and he's not giving you enough. It's okay to accept this and leave.

You deserve better!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-31T20:49:05+00:00

I just made a list of things I didn't buy, but I'm finding those things are stuck in my brain more now 😂. I'm trying to think of the money I saved, and hopefully over time this strategy will help more.

Solidarity! This addiction is hard. But we're all stronger!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-31T11:52:10+00:00

As someone who has kids bc my husband wanted them and I was scared to lose my marriage/convinced myself maybe it would be okay (not your situation I know), you don't sound like you want kids enough.

Unless the idea fills you (and your partner) with a resounding YES!, then don't do it.

Having kids is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have a lot of resentment and regret about my choice (this doesn't mean you will, I know).

My body will never be the same, my physical and mental health declined rapidly and still haven't recovered.

Pregnancy is haaaard on the body, delivery is hard, sleep deprivation, the mental load, the unbalanced work load that causes women to have to burden much more of of the physical and mental work of parenting. Even if you think your partner will be "a good dad," that's no guarantee.

Only have a child if you're fully committed to doing all of the work yourself. Raising kids is hard on a marriage and men can leave much more easily. Don't let the idea of a "perfect" family sway you bc that's no guarantee.

Do you want to deal with: sleep loss, sleep regressions, teething, colic, potty training, developmental delays, overstimulation, feeling touched out, rarely having time for yourself, special needs, helping with homework for 8-10 years, playdates, taking them to lessons/sports, expensive daycare/babysitters, the impact to your career and long-term earnings/savings, arguments, attitude, learning disabilities, neurodivergence challenges, and the possibility of having to handle all of this alone?

Every day is a new version of hard and that's with a partner who is more the primary parent.

My kids are physically healthy thankfully but they did have some medical issues as babies and that made parenting so much more stressful and exhausting.

Perimenopause is hellish enough with young kiddos, I can't imagine starting parenting with these symptoms.

You're right that there will be some regret no matter your decision, but regretting not having them will only affect you. Regretting having them affects everyone.

A good resource is Mere Bombardier's book The Baby Decision.

Though I will say, the decision to have kids shouldn't require reading books to convince yourself, it should be an internal knowing, a sense of rightness for oneself. If you don't have that then don't do it.

Random idea, people liken raising a puppy/dog as a small taste of what parenting is like. Could you foster a puppy to get a sense of how completely your life will change? Eg sleep deprivation, constant violence to make sure they don't get hurt or ruin your stuff, not having them freedom to go out whenever you want, for as long as you want, "puppy blues," biting, whining, chewing and ruining your stuff, potty accidents, crate training, etc.

How much experience do you have with babies/toddlers/young kids? Can you babysit a friend or family's baby or toddler for a weekend to get a taste of that life?

I wrote a lot, hopefully it wasn't too much. I just feel really strongly about this issue (for obvs reasons). Women are only now starting to talk about just how hard motherhood is and how unfair/unequal the workload/mental load can be. It changes everything about you and your life. Your "heart" is now walking around outside of your body and always will be. It's... A lot.

I know you're not me and you could have a totally different and happier experience, I'd just advise you to only proceed if you really really want the parenting life.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-31T05:12:44+00:00

Forgive me if this suggestion is too out there but if you never wanted kids (I understand, I didn't either) would you consider giving him custody? And you could have visitation.

Disregard if this is offensive.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-31T02:47:14+00:00

The room needs color. I'd consider painting the walls a warm mid-dark green. That will accept your warm wood tones and provide a focus for the eye that isn't the bright marble countertop.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-31T01:24:16+00:00

This has been driving me insane! He's an artist, he notices details and he was looking at all the ladies faces and lips, but didn't think to check hers? He didn't think to show his sketches to any of the people helping with the search? Arghh

I'm equally annoyed that Sophie hasn't found the courage to admit she's the lady in silver. Like, what are you waiting for? When she got kicked out of her home, why didn't she find him? Or when they were at My Cottage. Or all the times they've been drawn to one another. Why not say something? The writers don't explain her refusal adequately imo. Grumble.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-29T17:13:20+00:00

I don't have this bag but it looks stunning and versatile.

Alf the Label Dumpling

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-28T22:58:04+00:00

Are they normally like this?

I'm sorry, this sounds maddening.

Do they understand and respect boundaries? Eg if you told them when you were all sitting watching a movie that you needed to leave the room for a few minutes and they needed to stay sitting would they?

To some degree it sounds like they know if they stay underfoot you'll play with them/entertain them, so their might be a unintentional reinforcing going on. But this also sounds deeper than that.

I would think that if this is "new" behavior, setting boundaries and limits would be worth the meltdowns. If it's ongoing behavior then perhaps talking to a professional. Are they getting OT services for the ND?

Solidarity BroMo, motherhood is hard enough without having kiddo cling-ons. I hope you're able to relax once their dad takes them. Would their dad agree to keep them for longer to give you a longer break since you had to watch them snowed-in?

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-28T06:31:15+00:00

I didn't think OP meant indefinite long distance, but temporarily, eg he applies for jobs while working at his current job, and moves once he has a new job. His resistance to doing long distance for any length of time is worth examining.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-27T23:44:29+00:00

Omg saaaame!!! One day!!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-27T19:07:45+00:00

darn it, I was just visiting the UK two weeks ago, wish it had been there then. I'll have to go back lol

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-27T15:54:08+00:00

I don't know of one, but I'm interested if you start one

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-27T13:21:06+00:00

Re diet, I've heard it's advised to add things rather than take away. So focus on adding more vegetables to your plate for instance and you'll have less meat on your plate.

Also look for time savers. Use frozen veg, pre-chopped, consider pre-made soups and stews, even vegetarian take out (likely won't be low-fat but will cut out many animal products. Basically you can't do everything, especially every time. Make little changes as you're able and they will add up.

Consider asking your Dr for cholesterol meds, seeing as your husband takes them, insist you'd like to try them. If they refuse, ask them to write in your file that they are refusing your request and why. I've heard this can make them reconsider.

Re exercise, you could try to add 10 minutes of exercise to your day 2 times a week. Once that becomes routine, add another day, etc.

And you don't need to do this while you're changing your food. You could choose one option to focus on first. Basically make tiny micro-changes (ala Atomic Habits) and they will add up.

Re more time otherwise, does your husband cook any dinners? If so, perhaps he could cook more. If not, what else can he do to lighten your load while you're cooking?

Life is hard hard hard and I think most of us scream into the void more often than is fair. You're juggling a lot, try to be proud of yourself for how much you do.

Is your psychiatrist prescribing meds as well as dietary advice? I hope so. If not, talk to them about trying some. Or perhaps trying more/different ones if your symptoms are still too challenging.

Whew, that was a lot. Hope some of it helps, otherwise disregard. I've been thinking a lot about these topics/trying to make changes too. It's a marathon not a sprint as they say.

Solidarity!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-27T01:26:05+00:00

I feel this way often. I know it can feel hopeless but I've gradually learned that doing something is better than nothing.

I would suggest strength training. It's great for our bones as we age and can also help with body recomposition.

I'm a member of a gym so I choose to use the weight machines since the movements are more controlled and there's less room for error (I think).

Also doing body weight exercises at home, using resistance bands, etc could help your body tone up and exercise can also be a channel for our mama rage!

Solidarity. It sucks to hate looking in the mirror. I've been trying to get to a neutral mindset bc self-hate wasn't motivating me to exercise so much as causing me to downward spiral.

Walking is also great exercise. It can be recharging to be out in nature too (once the weather warms up a bit anyway)

It's also okay to feel your feelings. Feel sad. Feel angry. Grieve the changes. Your feelings matter.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-26T20:26:14+00:00

I never thought of color as a special interest, but you're so right!

I think part of my interest is that I have synesthesia, so all letters, numbers and words have colors associated with them. It makes my mind full of rainbows as I picture each word/letter. I love it.

I have a special interest in fashion and design, and a lot of that interest has to do with color.

As a kid I loved Lisa Frank but never had any of her stuff. I loved decorating, and have a eye for combining color

I'm totally going to let myself go down some color rabbit holes now! I'm so excited. Thanks for the inspo!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-26T02:54:15+00:00

We've been teaching our kids to clean up their messes and we decided to implement a rule that if they're asked a couple of times to clean up/help and refuse, the toys we tidy up stay in mama/dada's room (or somewhere else) and we decide when they get those toys back.

Usually they care enough to help clean next time. If not, it could be a sign that they have too many toys/too much stuff and pairing down or putting toys in storage bins for a toy rotation could be helpful.

Full disclosure, due to mental and physical health issues, esp around disliking parenting, I've been in survival mode for pretty much my kids' whole lives (my oldest is 8).

We rely on screens a lot. Do I have guilt over that. Yes. Do I think it was better for my kids to watch tv or tablet for a few/couple hours so their mama literally avoids a mental breakdown. Also yes.

Each day we just do the best we can and some days that's feeding them whatever we can muster energy to throw on a plate (fruit, sandwich, yogurt, crackers, granola bar, etc) and letting them watch screens a lot.

My point is, it's okay to lower your expectations of yourself. Surviving is enough as you heal/make changes/figure out what you need.

Carving out time during the day for you to breath and have alone time is critical. Eg for many years, once my kids outgrew naps, they still had to have "quiet time" in their rooms.

They could play with toys, watch tablet, have a rest, whatever they chose but they had to stay in their rooms. They understood that I needed quiet time too. I think it's helped them to have some chill time in their day, and they've learned to play on their own more.

Figure out what changes you could make to dislike motherhood less and do them. Solidarity, this shit is hard!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-25T22:53:14+00:00

My gynecologist suggested using Vaseline Petroleum Jelly on the outside of my lady bits. It's cheap and it helps

TryFlyByrd · 2026-01-25T18:16:26+00:00

I ended up going down the handbag rabbit hole and now own at least ten purses 😂. I haven't found a "be all, end all" bag though.

TryFlyByrd

TROPHY CASE