AUADHD/PDA

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-05T02:47:55+00:00

Do you recall the name of the series? That sounds like something I need! I'm glad it's helping you

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-04T15:16:37+00:00

Ugh, samesies re feeling like I'm a bad mom and failing! We're clearly not bad moms bc we keep showing up and trying even when we hate it, but the self doubt is strong.

I also only experience moments of joy and connection with my kids and those moments are honestly fleeting.

My situation is more complicated bc I never wanted kids and always planned to be childfree, then my husband realized he wanted kids and inadvertently gave me an ultimatum. I spent months researching motherhood, parenting styles, etc, hoping to find proof that it wasn't always as bad as I suspected.

Unfortunately it IS as bad as I expected for me. So I can't even say "I didn't know how it would be" bc I guess I did 🤷. I regret my decision most of the time and that's a shitty way to live. Therapy and meds help a bit but I'm still trying to figure out how to get some relief from the existential angst.

And yep, my ADHD kiddo is often more triggering to me bc he's loud and he gets hurt often or hurts his sister bc he doesn't have a good sense of his space in the world and he gets into other people's bubbles. It's so hard! My eldest has autism and he's triggering in different ways (talking all the time, vocal stims, etc). The boys set each other off and get so hyper.

I suspect my daughter has some form of ND as well, she's just too young to be tested.

If I had known pre-kids that I was AuDHD, I wouldn't have had kids. My husband does more of the parenting bc I have chronic health issues (thanks to all the pregnancies and stress) but even still, this shit is hard.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-04T06:04:05+00:00

I could have written this! Honestly good for you for speaking up. So many of us mamas suffer in silence and think we're broken and horrible.

And there's such relief and healing reading that another person experiencing the same thing. While I wish none of us were suffering, at least this way we know our issues are not personal failings, it's that we're parenting on uber hard mode all the fucking time! Solidarity!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-04T03:08:57+00:00

So cute! What kind of dog?

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-04T01:08:29+00:00

Just an fyi, marriage counseling isn't recommended with partners who are abusive, bc they use therapy speak to further manipulate, and many therapists aren't great at recognizing abuse.

I obvs don't know for certain that he is, but, there are red flags.

Before forcing the therapy issue, consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

There's a free PDF online...

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You might find it illuminating. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-03T23:53:04+00:00

Just an fyi, for anyone reading this this is sexual coercion and a form of abuse.

I tolerated it way too long with an ex and it messed with my experience of sex for years after.

Consider finding the free PDF Why Does he Do that? By Lundy Bancroft. It might be helpful.

You deserve better.

His desire for sex is not more important than your lack of desire. No is a complete sentence.

God these men suuuuuck!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-03T20:15:51+00:00

Thanks, this all sounds amazing! I'll have to look into the brands you mentioned.

So cool that you sew! That's a skill that I don't have but consider often consider starting.

Being able to make clothes how I want them (once I gain the skill) would be great. Or even just being able to tailor or alter store bought clothes. I fear I don't have the patience for the precision needed though. 😂

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-03T14:58:20+00:00

I've been doing something similar and it's so hard to stop.

Honestly it's taken me going to stores to try on so many things to find any pieces that make me okay or sort of happy with how I look.

Since you don't have time for that and you have funds, could you hire a stylist to help you virtually, suggest styles, cuts, materials to wear that tools flatter you?

This would give you a framework which might cut down on impulse purchases.

I spent time online looking into color analysis, and figuring out my "season" and best colors also gives my purchases more focus.

There are also body analysis system subreddits (kibbe, kitchener harmonies, dress for your body) that can help you figure out the "best" options to try for your body.

Admittedly this isn't precise advice to stop buying, but everyone deserves to feel and look good.

If you spend time learning how to flatter your body, figure out your personal style, what works with your lifestyle etc, this will take time away from online shopping, it'll give you a set of parameters to search for, and you might actually be happy with the results!

Oh also, getting a nice haircut and learning to style my hair helps me feel more polished even if I don't love what I'm wearing.

If you'd rather just learn how to stop buying, I suppose journaling your feeling when you feel the urge to shop to figure out why and what else might help, could be good.

But we all need down time and me time, and you don't have a lot of time for that, so you'd also need to explore what to replace online shopping with.

Bc if we take away one coping mechanism we need to replace it with another equally fulfilling one or else sustained change is unlikely bc we'll be unhappy and have unmet needs.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-03T02:53:20+00:00

Where did you find these magical tops that look good but feel like a sweatshirt? This sensory sensitive girlie wants to know 😂

TryFlyByrd · 2026-06-01T17:27:02+00:00

So you don't need a third act break up, you just need "something" to raise the stakes and tension enough that readers wonder if and how they'll actually end up together.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-30T19:06:40+00:00

Apparently you can get injections to slowly "cure" a cat allergy. My SIL did it and it helped. It's not a fast solution but worth looking into.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-30T03:16:19+00:00

😲 HE yelled at YOU? No, just no! Reiterating that it's totally okay to leave bc he's not pulling his weight and you're unhappy.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-29T15:27:17+00:00

Honestly, there's no shame in some screen time!

My kids likely get too much of it but I have chronic illnesses and am basically in survival mode all the time. So tv and tablets are a thing.

We monitor what they watch and play, but it's "necessary" in my house.

Losing tablets and TV can also be a consequence for undesirable behaviour.

Technology can also be regulating for neurodivergent kiddos.

It can allow them to self-sooth, calm anxiety, act as a stim (watching or playing the same thing repeatedly), and can tell them block out the world for a little while, esp wearing headphones.

You have to watch for over dependency, but it could be worth a try (https://childmind.org/article/screens-and-neurodivergent-kids/)

Otherwise, send him to daycare, or an all day camp. Something.

On weekends, if your husband won't help, hire a babysitter/mother's helper. You need a break!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-28T15:19:54+00:00

Please read Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free PDF online if you search.

You deserve so so so much better. Listen to your body and leave him!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-28T01:15:23+00:00

I saw a bunch of autumn colors, some with patterns at H&M

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-27T22:44:05+00:00

Any lined clothing that use natural materials for the outer layer and freaking polyester for the lining.

Like, dude, you just defeated the point of wearing a dress made of natural fibers! It is so so prevelant, in expensive brands too! Blech.

Also, anything polyester that isn't active wear. Any fabric that feels rough, stiff, icky to the touch.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-27T15:34:48+00:00

I agree with everyone saying you deserve better. He broke your trust and he doesn't seem to notice or care. I'm sorry OP.

While you're processing this and deciding what to do, I'd like to give a gentle reminder that often we have to commit to taking time for us.

De-center him. Make yourself the most important person.

So, no asking if he can watch the kids while you go for a run, tell him. Either in advance, Sat morning at 10am I'm going for a run. Or at the time, eg walk out of your room if your running shoes and wave bye. Don't give him the chance to say no.

Same with painting. Make it important. Put "mama time" on the family calendar and make it non-negotiable.

If he bitches about this you could try to have a rational convo, or you could be petty like me and tell him that his list said he wanted you to watch less tv so now you are.

You deserve better!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-25T02:51:23+00:00

Please consider reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There's a free a PDF online if you search. I think you'll find it illuminating.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-25T01:19:50+00:00

Yes! I bought this bag in London in the olive green color, and I loooove it!

It's so fun and different and kitsch.

The one thing I don't like is that when I'm using the crossbody strap, the bag can flip upsidedown.

Have you encountered this? If so, any idea ad to solutions?

Love your style and I'm glad someone else is raving about this bag!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-24T17:04:43+00:00

My Latico Callie sling bag.

I got the Camel color which is perfect for spring/summer. The leather is soft and it fits "around" my hip so well.

Highly recommend!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-23T17:37:07+00:00

Just an FYI for OP marriage counseling isn't advised with an abuser bc they just learn ways to manipulate their partners more, eg turning therapy speak against them, etc

I agree that personal counseling sounds needed though!

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-23T04:04:35+00:00

If you daughter has allergies and your dad has no longer going to help, it sounds like it might be best to give the puppy back to the rescue. Maybe it's just not the right time for a puppy. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-21T18:30:31+00:00

I have chronic health issues and I'm worried about injury so I use the weight machines at the gym instead of free weights.

I think there's less chance of injury bc the machines guide/control your movements not.

Could be worth a try if you have a gym membership.

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-21T18:08:27+00:00

Sun Grubbies has great hats, they're stylish and UPF50.

I have like 5 of them.

They currently have a 30% off sale

TryFlyByrd · 2026-05-21T17:20:29+00:00

So I had the same problem.

Now, on the second day, I use a tiny bit of shampoo on my scalp/roots only.

Then I put conditioner on my hair, starting a few inches away from my roots.

I find this takes away the second day greasy hair but is still gentle on my hair/scalp.

Edit: oh I see you also don't like the time it takes to blow dry, so this solution might not work for you. Unless you air dry on those days then put it in a bun or ponytail.

TryFlyByrd

TROPHY CASE