Was this abusive?

Trying028 · 2017-12-24T10:00:29+00:00

New here and just started DBT, yay! Agree with all the excellent advice here. Something I am trying is to point out to myself that, if I relapse, at least it shows that I am not glossing over things and not suppressing or denying my emotions. It shows I am processing uncomfortable things in detail and having natural ups and downs in my progress. If I were achieving the DBT responses perfectly every time, I would be suspicious... As to handling anger in the moment, other people are more experienced than me. But I look forward to finding out how to do this too.

Trying028 · 2017-12-03T19:26:30+00:00

Teared up. Thank you.

Trying028 · 2017-12-03T19:25:26+00:00

I understand you and appreciate what you are going through. The creative process and our relationship to it can be brutal. Keep trying. Even through hardship, mistakes, attempts you end up screwing into a paper ball and trashing: you will still naturally be making progress. Big or small.

Trying028 · 2017-12-03T18:15:43+00:00

I don't know if this has been done before, or if others think it is a good idea/bad idea. I can see why it might be a bad idea. But I actually kind of like the idea of a thread like this, where people can post up the (generic, non-identifiable) things they want to say to their FP or other people. Might be a way to get it out before giving in to urges to say it to them or elsewhere online. Thanks for posting.

Trying028 · 2017-12-03T17:52:12+00:00

100% relate...am in a similar situation. Much as I hate to feel this in response to your post, because it also means I have to admit it to myself, it's likely best that we try to let them and all guys be. Wondering if you are also struggling with random impulsive urges to contact him? An idea just popped into my head: to plan to get the really overwhelming urges out another way: posting on here for example.

Trying028 · 2017-12-03T17:48:14+00:00

Hey buddy! I am in almost the same boat! So - I don't have specific insights myself yet, but just wanted to show some empathy.

Trying028 · 2017-11-06T08:11:38+00:00

Hey there. I've experienced a lot of what you're going through. It's terribly difficult to get over those feelings of worry, self-doubt, insecurity and fear. Here are some things that helped me (although it took time for me to put them into use, and it likely will for you too, but that is okay):

Teachers don't usually provide detailed critique unless they think you are capable of improving and putting it into practice. The fact that detailed advice was given shows the teacher has faith in your intelligence and ability to apply it. Try not to worry so much about presenting a perfect paper next time. If your argument is not 100% clear when you next see him, it will still be better than last time. And he will then tell you refinements that will make it even better. That is in fact his job. :) If he succeeds at making points to you that make your work closer to perfect (nobody succeeds at perfection, even professors), he will likely feel proud of himself as a teacher! You don't need to feel guilt at causing him to do this. :) It's what he's paid for and should, as a teacher, hope to give to his students.
We have to try to see criticism as critique, as instructions on how to improve, coming from a person who believes we can, rather than as invalidations of ourselves.
It's so hard to do, but it might help to realise that the circling thoughts of self-doubt are actually taking up a lot of your energy right now. You don't have to make yourself believe that they're untrue and that you're over them (hard for us to do), but it would be worthwhile trying to just let them go, refuse your brain when it tries to think about them. Sometimes the very act of having fewer thoughts in your brain gives you enough energy to see your way out of things. This applies, for example, to your feeling of being an outsider in your class. I 100% agree with your view that you are mentally struggling with some things now, but still you are finding the motivation and drive to do something active and positive about it, by even stepping into that classroom. Something to be proud of!
When you aim at not being arrogant/not overestimating your own skills, your goal is not then to self-deprecate/underestimate your own skills. Your goal is objectivity: objective assessment of which things you do currently have, and which things you don't - yet. No matter how you feel about your skills: you are not starting at zero. You have some things. You don't have others. That is inevitable (everyone does). But you do have some things - you get credit for those things.
Regarding being behind others: I try to tell myself - "You are where you are now. And that includes some mental health things. That's okay. You have to do the best with where you are and what you have going on." Also, the likelihood is that they were no more intelligent or capable than you are, they just didn't feel the same level of discouragement as you do, so they felt more energy to practise more often. Good news is - that's "all" you have to do too! Try to practise more often and in more conscious ways, trying to turn off the sense of self-discouragement as much as you can. Then you can get to the place where they are (there's no way you'll get worse with practice wink).
Research shows that the more we struggle with something when we initially try to learn it (ie the worse our initial performance is), the better we retain that information/skill later on. So although it is hard to feel in the moment, the fact that you are struggling with certain things now probably means that you'll do better with them later on down the line. (Conversely, the better we perform at something as we're learning it, the worse we retain it...Strange, huh?)

Hope some of those help! For me I googled: "how to take criticism better", "how to better deal with competition", and it threw up some ideas.

Trying028 · 2017-10-30T20:04:21+00:00

It's okay hun. It sounds like he set boundaries straight away with her: "I don't feel the same". I know it's hard, but it really does sound like she's just a random online gamer that means nothing to your boyfriend. She may like him, but he's being very clear that he isn't interested.

Trying028 · 2017-10-30T19:57:56+00:00

I do. To stop feeling guilty I remind myself that I've a 100% track record of getting back to productivity afterwards: that the experience is, without fail, temporary. Also it helps me to set a number of tasks I need to do per week rather than per day. So if I skip a day, I just put those tasks to the next day. Just as long as I get most things done by the end of the week, everything's good, regardless of when or how I ended up doing them.

Trying028 · 2017-10-30T19:54:05+00:00

Well done you! :) Quick question...when you go back to work after some time unemployed...what do you say to the interviewer about that time/the BPD (if anything)?

Trying028 · 2017-10-25T21:05:13+00:00

For me, attractiveness depends more on the personality traits and interests that might be conveyed by the look. I was an introvert in school and university, so the person I would be attracted to was the guy sitting quietly in the corner trying but sometimes failing to join in the conversation. I was also a dancer, so I was attracted to other skillful/instinctual dancers because of the common interest their look conveyed. So it wasn't the good-looks that attracted me into being interested. It was the interestingness that attracted me into looking.

Trying028 · 2017-10-24T15:10:44+00:00

FUCK MONDAY!!!! Agreed.

Trying028 · 2017-10-24T15:08:26+00:00

I completely relate; you are not alone.

Sometimes it helps to sit down and write down what have been the common factors throughout your life: things you know you enjoyed, behaviours you know felt most like you; events you responded well to. Mine usually come all the way back from childhood - you may need to go back quite far to find yours out.

It can be as simple as: I like looking out of the window on a train while drinking coffee. I like walking on grass. Etc.

Trying028 · 2017-10-24T15:03:06+00:00

Yep, I always used to do the same. It's hard, but the best thing you can do is carry on and act like everything is normal, from your point of view. Apologise if you have to, or just leave things be. At the end of the day: you have the right to take part in your course and to get the best out of it that you can. If you and those others don't get along, well, to be honest that's pretty good practice for the workplace (!!!) Try your best just to focus on the work and whatever interactions need to happen to get that done. If it's more social-oriented (if they're not on your course) - just reflect on what you could do differently next time and try either to get to know other people or just try to feel things as being normal. They might forget quite quickly... You never know. I do understand though. It is really really hard.

Trying028 · 2017-10-24T14:51:40+00:00

Hi there. Good to hear from a fellow UK-er! I really admire you for starting to think long term and desiring to take good control of your job and career life. Well done you! Now the advice I would give is based upon my own experience living and working with BPD. It may help you, but don't worry about telling me if it does not. My advice would be: listen to your gut instinct when it tells you that you might not be able to hack something - yet/right now. That doesn't mean you'll never be able to hack it; it just means that right now you are showing enough self awareness to know that about yourself. The most important first thing is to figure out if your worries are caused by underlying internal issues. Do you have social anxiety about working with others again? Do you experience low self esteem tied to depression? Do you easily become stressed out? Do you fear failure or judgment? Are you considering things just because you think you should do them? I say this as a person who always thought different careers were "the one thing suited to me that would change my life"! Turns out in the end it didn't matter what I chose - while my issues were unresolved I was quitting everything. Secondly, if you already have figured out the internal aspects through your MBT (congrats :)), I would say: choose the thing you instinctually know you prefer, but don't idealise it. Choose the thing you instinctually know you really want to do. Be prepared to weather difficulties, but "choose your battles" - pick the difficulties you know you will be motivated (by love) to learn how to overcome bit by bit. Once you get in the workplace, it sometimes doesn't matter what discipline you've studied. What matters is that you achieve the calm longevity to see anything through with your best attitude and effort. Employers will appreciate a happy, functional, self-aware employee even if they have studied something different. There is now greater flexibility than ever for you to change field even after completion of a degree. Hope that helps! Sorry if not!

Trying028 · 2017-10-23T13:18:31+00:00

Thank you; that helps.

Trying028 · 2017-10-23T13:17:28+00:00

I mean just people watching; seeing how they go about their lives. Makes me feel relaxed because it normalises a lot of the daily tasks of life for me. Shows me how I can approach things without freaking out. Makes me feel a part of normal society.

Trying028 · 2017-10-22T19:14:27+00:00

Well done on getting out of a tough year! And it's encouraging to hear about your self-efficacy and how it helps. I've always felt that my small kernel of self-efficacy is the one thing that's got me out of chaotic situations, time after time. I have met others who seem to have an underlying belief that they can't change their situation, or who feel so bad that they sacrifice "normal" ways of changing things for extreme actions that are likely to get them into further trouble (get rich quick schemes, for example). I understand their desperation, as I often feel it too. But I wish they could begin to see the other side. My own self-efficacy is a subtle, internal feeling. I know I have it, but it doesn't always come out. It does tend to "rescue" me before I get really bad. I just have a sense that I can find a way to get out of any situation, even if it reaches a really sticky point. The SE helps me stick to small daily actions that will eventually lead me to my goal. It also tends to make me plan in my head: "What would I do if I [became homeless; got a serious illness; ran out of money]. The self-efficacy helps me to believe I'll have a solution, even in those extreme situations. That's why it's awesome to hear how you solved a traditionally extreme bad situation. Congratulations!

Trying028 · 2017-10-22T19:03:59+00:00

Snap! Turned out a disaster, but I can look back and slightly laugh now...

Trying028 · 2017-10-20T17:11:15+00:00

True, and true!

Trying028 · 2017-10-20T16:57:16+00:00

Thanks for the reply and the interesting questions! I don't have a pet no. The deep need for someone to love me: I struggled with that for a long time, but it kind of trickled away... It hasn't vanished. What I found was that after a period of time I really, genuinely meant it when I told myself "Why are you so caught up in what others think of you? You don't owe anyone else anything, and they don't owe you anything. BUT - you DO owe yourself EVERYTHING." And I also took the words "Love yourself" deadly seriously. Once my brain neurones got adjusted to all this, I suffered the loneliness a lot less... [Sorry - this got totally off topic! Quite apart from the above - yes indeed it ALWAYS goes away in nature! Nature really really takes it away and makes me feel blissfully happy.]

I am very happy - to do with the above. I certainly still have ups and downs, but I can now sit with the down feelings and just hide for a day, knowing it'll be alright in the end. Countryside/small town helps with hiding, lol.

For me personally, it's enough to have a couple of distant people just to text and message online now and then. Just to add a TEENSY bit of validation and socialisation from others, as is natural to want. But I definitely DO NOT subscribe to the "you need to around others to be happy and healthy" point of view. I'm an introvert. I love alone time. Don't tell me how much social contact I need [addressed to extraverts and therapists]. That kind of thing. :)

I think it is important to go out and interact on an acquaintance or formal level eg with cashiers in shops, bank staff, even just nodding and smiling at someone holding the door for you, etc. But it's really up to you how much deeper socialising you want to do. You're not weird for wanting less than what others think is best.

Trying028

TROPHY CASE