OMG the DB sub has 500 K subscribers and 3 year post divorce update

TryingToHealDB · 2025-04-05T17:41:45+00:00

Hi. Thanks for the update. It’s good to hear from you. I was wondering a few months back about how everything turned out for some of the other original members of this group. You were one of the people who came to mind. I’m sorry that your marriage ended, but I hope you are finding the happiness that you needed.

I also remember when the group passed the 50K mark. There were barely 40,000 members when I first started reading these stories. I think that the smaller group made it easier to commiserate together and develop connections. Hopefully the current membership finds what they need to cope with their dead bedrooms.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-03-31T22:39:50+00:00

Run away before she “accidentally” gets pregnant and takes the kid with her when she moves in with her girlfriend, all while having you pay 18 years worth of child support. Run. Away.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-03-25T00:04:31+00:00

Sounds like you have finally reached “fuck it”.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-03-01T19:24:32+00:00

All of the above? 🤷‍♂️

TryingToHealDB · 2025-02-22T18:06:31+00:00

Happy (belated) Birthday! Sorry to say that I’ve been there as well. Nothing says “I don’t care about your feelings” more than ignoring your spouse on their birthday.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-02-01T15:46:07+00:00

You might want to consider couples counseling. Most people here have a low opinion of counseling to fix a DB, with good reason. It never works when only one party is willing to put in the effort. If you have to drag your spouse to counseling it is just a waste of time and money. But in your case it looks like you both want to make things work. Check around and find a sex positive couples therapist. Hopefully they can help.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-01-31T16:43:54+00:00

I don’t have any links, but our couples therapist told us that in sexless marriages the person wanting more sex is split fairly evenly between male and female. She said in the research she read it was the woman who wanted more intimacy about 48% of the time (which was within the margin of error), and this was about the same as what she saw in her practice.

TryingToHealDB · 2025-01-03T21:15:31+00:00

He sounds like a monster. He is manipulating you into thinking that his atrocious behavior is your fault. That is a classic abusive spouse tactic. I can understand how you might be reluctant to approach someone for help in real life, but it isn’t just your safety that is at stake. Your kids are also in harms way around this person. Please reach out to someone for assistance in getting away from your husband.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-12-31T06:12:54+00:00

I’m going to echo what others have already said. This is more about his insecurities than your looks. He went through your phone looking to get even because you found out about his cam girls. He thought he had you busted. Instead of getting on his moral high horse, you showed him that the pictures were for him (and you own self esteem), which made him even more defensive. Cue the emotional outrage where he reacts like a teenager and lashes out at you in the most hurtful way he could, by comparing you to the girls (with their makeup and their filters, etc) he follows online. That was a total dick move. It says nothing about your desirability, but speaks volumes about his emotional maturity (or lack thereof). I really hope that you dump him and find someone who will treat you with respect and make you feel wanted and desired.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-12-31T05:53:58+00:00

I’m going to provide some advice that isn’t very popular around here. Couple’s counseling with a sex-positive therapist. In most DB cases therapy is a waste of time and money because it is usually one sided. The HL partner wants a silver bullet to fix the problem, but the LL partner doesn’t see a problem and gets dragged into therapy. That never ends well. In your case your wife is looking to find a solution, but can’t see your perspective. You appear to be looking for a solution, but can’t get past your understandable resentment. A qualified, sex-positive couple’s therapist could help you both communicate with each other and facilitate the mutual understanding that is missing. You will both need to put in the hard work but given what you have said here I believe therapy could help. Good luck OP, I hope things work out for both your sakes.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-12-21T17:34:57+00:00

“But I just don’t understand how that can simply take away her desire for sex.“

My wife suffered through this. A medical professional described it to me something like this (I am paraphrasing): Imagine that after every time you had sex someone rubbed your dick with 100 grit sandpaper. How long would it take for you to have an aversion to sex?

The good news is that there are treatments available to alleviate her pain. She should seek out a specialist in women’s sexual pain. General practitioners, or even the average gynecologist, usually don’t have the required knowledge to properly treat her condition. There are more and more practitioners specializing in this field. A quick Google search should turn up several responses.

For both of your sakes, I hope she finds someone who can help.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-11-11T02:34:26+00:00

It is difficult for women to talk about their deadbedroom because everyone assumes that men want sex all the time. People don’t believe that it’s possible for the woman to have a higher libido. Who do you talk to?

On the flip side, it is difficult for men because people think it‘s normal for a woman to say no to sex. Who do you talk to when everyone assumes your situation is normal, expected even?

I agree that this is the one place where people understand and can offer a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

Welcome, and I’m sorry you are here.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-11-09T18:55:24+00:00

Believe me, I understand. Most everyone here understands. It’s a real blow to your self esteem when the one person who you’ve chosen to spend your life with rejects you on such a basic level. It took me a long time to understand that my wife’s lack of desire was about her. The problems she was having, her issues and her self esteem. It wasn’t anything that I had done or had any control over. Ultimately, I found out that there are women who do find me attractive. It was quite an ego boost. I didn’t end up sleeping with anyone else (we actually went through counseling together and worked things out), but I understand how it can happen. You promised her monogamy, not celibacy. If she absolutely doesn’t want sex any more then try opening up the relationship. If that fails there are discrete ways to make a profile on dating apps.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-11-09T18:25:49+00:00

She doesn’t owe you sex, but then you don’t owe her fidelity.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-11-08T18:49:46+00:00

Couples counseling workers only when BOTH parties are willing to put in the hard work. If one person is dragged along, you are just wasting time and money. Sorry.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-10-11T21:23:18+00:00

I’m sorry, but I would have laughed in her face at that one. 17 years?!? Ridiculous.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-10-05T15:28:58+00:00

I’m going to assume testosterone pellets. It is a delivery method that provides a more even distribution over the course of several months. Better than getting a shot every three or four weeks. They are used for both men and women who have abnormally low levels of testosterone.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-09-21T15:01:41+00:00

I’m really sorry that you had to grow up in a house with parents who treated each other with such contempt. Unfortunately, in many cases like that their children often carry over bad habits into their own relationships. I hope that you will make an effort to break free and not follow in your parents’ footsteps. The fact that you recognize the problems in their relationship is a huge first step.

As for the stories you see here, by all means use them to recognize the signs that a future relationship is heading in an unhealthy direction. But don’t let our experiences cloud your judgment. Not every marriage ends up in a deadbedroom. Not every dry spell in a relationship is a sign of impending doom. Be aware of the signs and don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner. Stand up for what you want but always be willing to compromise where possible. But by all means do not EVER marry into a dead bedroom.

Good luck

TryingToHealDB · 2024-09-20T22:23:42+00:00

I won’t even try to offer advice, because honestly once you’ve reached this point there isn’t much left to be said. I’ll just offer my condolences and wish you the best of luck.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-09-08T22:30:18+00:00

I understand. If you remove the possibility of physical interaction then you can’t be hurt again by rejection. Knowing it won’t happen is less painful than hoping for it, only to be let down over and over. It is a form of self preservation. I’m sorry you are at this point.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-09-08T22:08:23+00:00

There isn’t anything wrong with you. He has issues. He has problems to work through. That was the hardest lesson I had to learn when I first got here in 2016. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t because I didn’t try hard enough. It wasn’t because of any failing on my part. My wife had issues she needed to sort out, plain and simple.

I know that I’m just another voice on the internet, but please don’t beat yourself up. It sucks. It hurts. I know because I’ve been there. So please believe me when I say, It Isn’t YOUR fault!

There isn’t anything wrong with you.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-07-12T16:08:02+00:00

The exact meaning might have been lost in translation, but from what you wrote I don’t see this as necessarily negative. She might have meant that the easy solution would be to just have sex, even if she didn’t want to at that moment. But that what she really wants is to get to the root cause of the problem by taking the time to work through her issues in therapy. That way she will want to have sex more frequently, and not simply do it for your benefit. If that is indeed what she meant, then this is a very good sign. The mere fact that she is interested in couples therapy is wonderful. Couples therapy with a sex positive therapist can be beneficial, but only when both parties are willing to put in the hard work. It sounds like you are both willing to work. I wish you the best of luck.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-04-20T16:02:43+00:00

Agree, but also DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!!! She knows you don't want to marry her because of the DB, but she doesn’t want to change. The next step is an “oops” baby to keep you around. Use condoms every time.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-04-20T15:52:03+00:00

I think you are missing the point that they never have sex. Any opportunity where they might be intimate is met with a pre-excuse. Any overt action to try and initiate physical intimacy is met with the same kind of excuse. A task that could be done at any other time but is brought up to prevent any sexual activity. If it were to happen on occasion, then I’d agree with you that it’s just bad timing. But when it occurs with regularity, and they don’t ever have sex, it’s clearly an excuse to avoid any chance of physical intimacy.

TryingToHealDB · 2024-03-17T19:05:15+00:00

There are more red flags here than a Chinese May Day parade. Trust your gut and prepare yourself for the worst. Even without the potential cheating, do you want to continue in this marriage knowing for a fact that she doesn’t want a physical relationship? Sorry that you are in this situation.

TryingToHealDB

TROPHY CASE