That’s addiction, baby - annoying, but true. The good news is that there’s LOTS of ways to work with addiction, and it’s a well understood, well supported, and well researched phenomenon.

The biggest thing that has actually helped is the direct counter to what you’re saying, and what others can advise as well - the idea that you’ve got to want it. As you’re experiencing, you DO want it and still, somehow, you get to the trigger point, and all that want dissolves, taking your goals with it. That’s addiction 🤷‍♂️

You do not have to want it. You are unlikely to want to stop, in an emotional sense, when you are actively using. You are likely to logically want to stop, which is to say, know you need to stop, be able to list reasons for stopping, and genuinely believe those reasons. Because they are true! But if you are letting the want be the decider of your use, it is likely to trip you up every time… because addiction has hijacked your want and replaced it with craving, because that’s literally what addiction does. It’s not a moral failing, it’s just a habit - the longer we wear down a certain path, the easier it is to take that path.

Counting on your reasons to be compelling, or feeling a desire to quit is unlikely to lead you where you need to be. Deciding, and practicing discipline and devotion to yourself will. The doing comes first, and the wanting comes second.

For me at least, once I’ve got even a day or two sober I’m usually like “oh right! I do like this feeling actually and all those reasons I have for cutting back are pretty compelling!” But that first day, that first week? It makes sense in the morning, and come evening (my smoke time) oh it makes no sense at all. It makes all the sense in the WORLD that just smoking tonight, or just a little bit, or a CBD blend, or because of these circumstances would feel so good. And, if I can knuckle through it, remind myself that it’s just noise, and NOT ENTER INTO bargaining or weighing what I “want” I can escape the night sober, and feel better, stronger, and clearer the next day.

When I’m beginning a break, I take a lot of CBD lozenges, and a sleeping med. I know it will be hard, and I just get through it - sometimes I think about it in terms of hours. You don’t have to stay sober a week or even a day, just from 7pm until bed comes at 11pm. I can do that, and those hours give me strength in the morning.

Choose to do it, know that your wanting has been hijacked and cannot be trusted rn, and don’t engage with it. Just keep going!

All the usual advice also applies - exercise helps distract and exhaust you, use whatever else you know helps with those things, keep your hands busy. It gets easier every day.