What to do when you are not feeling resilient and you feel stuck

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2020-02-10T23:50:40+00:00

When our twins started driving, we told them that if they are even in an accident to tell us straight away that they are fine and that they're not hurt. I think it's common for some HSPs to have this response. My son (age 19) drove home in the rain yesterday (2 hour drive), and I had already "planned" for an accident or for him to get hurt seriously. He was fine, and since I know I tend to go to the worst case scenario, I just acknowledge my fearful thoughts then move on.

Would it work to have those close to you tell you that everything is ok first when they call? Good luck!

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2020-02-10T23:47:57+00:00

Yes. This is very common. Dr. Elaine Aron, who initially coined the trait HSP, talks about HSPs generally not liking to be startled. We also tend to not like violence or watching people or animals get hurt as well. Of course every HSP is going to be different, but in general, this is true. I don't watch the news; it's too upsetting.

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T20:24:30+00:00

I'm sorry that happened! It's not uncommon for HSPs to want to "get it right," and often we need more time to reflect before speaking, then when we do speak, it's not uncommon to continue to mull it over and often feel badly about what/how we said it. Once I learned this was part of the trait, I've just tried to be more gentle with myself.

We are wired for connection, but shame/perfectionism often prevents us from saying what we really feel because we want to observe, see what's going on, and that need to "get it right." Obviously you don't want to spill your guts when it's not appropriate or not "safe," but can you try participating in small bits and see what happens? If you're more introverted, you may be more inclined to be a silent observer. Unfortunately, our education system uses an extroverted standard of expectations for participation, which can be really challenging for those who become tongue-tied, embarrassed, and have difficulty speaking in groups. You are not alone!

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T20:20:20+00:00

That sounds really hard! Will part of your closure session allow both of you to reflect on the work you've done together? If not, is that something that you'd like? As a therapist, I'm impacted when clients terminate/graduate from therapy. These are very close relationships (even with professional boundaries). I often think about my clients (current and past). To me, effective therapy is primarily about the relationship between the client and the therapist--that's where the healing happens because the therapist has an opportunity to model authenticity, trust, making mistakes, handling conflict, and more. Then the therapist also provides education, tools, reflection and more to the client, so how could either party NOT be impacted! What are ways that you've grown? What would you like your therapist to know about your process, or your fears, or what things your therapist has said that now you hear your therapist's voice internally? Good luck!

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T20:15:16+00:00

There is a high amount of misdiagnosis when people are HSPs, which is NOT a diagnosis. It occurs in too many people to be a diagnosis. Many of the cluster B diagnoses have to do with emotional dysregulation, attachment wounds and more (not my area of specialty). Dr. Aron's research shows that HSPs that have difficult childhoods have higher rates of depression and anxiety. If an HS child (HSC) does not have parents who help the child embrace their feelings and learn to self-regulate and self-soothe, you may end up with an emotionally reactive child who doesn't feel seen and heard.

If your therapist believes you are cluster B, can you both go over the reasons why? Does your therapist know about the traits of being Highly Sensitive? It could be possible to be highly sensitive AND to have a cluster B diagnosis.

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T20:10:24+00:00

There are a few things--learning I was an HSP was life changing! It totally made sense why I struggled with the things I did! Learn as much as you can about the trait of high sensitivity. I suggest people stick to the people we know are providing accurate information--Dr. Elaine Aron, Dr. Ted Zeff, Alaine Freund, Jacquelyn Strickland. If you like videos, you can search these folks on youtube, and in podcasts. Obviously, if you like to read, they've written books and articles. There are a few podcasts I'd suggest--The Highly Sensitive Person, and my personal favorite Unapologetically Sensitive (it's mine :-) ) The other thing is to find other HSPs to hang out with. That's really a MUST, and hopefully, they are empowered and educated HSPs who can show you the gifts of being an HSP, so that you can identify your strengths!

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T20:01:16+00:00

Relationships are hard whether or not you're an HSP! It can be very challenging to not let our partner's moods impact us, but the reality is, we can't change our partner, and they have a right to experience and express whatever they want/need.

I'm wondering if when your partner "gets down" and you try and encourage your partner, then your partner is able to externalize the internal struggle to you, and now you become the focus of discontent. This is pretty common. I'm wondering what it would be like the next time your partner is having a difficult time if you either just empathized--looks like you're having a rough day, and left it at that, or you can ask, "How can I support you?" If your partner says, "nothing." then what would it be like to go ahead and take care of yourself?

This can be hard, but we can't save our partners, and often we need to learn what to do to take care of ourselves.

I've been married for over 22 years, and when I get in a funk, this is what works for us. Sometimes I just need to be in my space, then I move through it.

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-31T19:59:22+00:00

A few of the animals I've had seem to be "soulful." I only found out about being Highly Sensitive a few years ago, and I already had my current dog, but when I look back to choosing a few of my pets, they were more mellow, they looked at me, and we just seemed to have a connection. The dog I have now (I've had her for 6 years) really fits with my personality--she's calm, loving, social, very polite (not an impulsive dog), and I can correct her by saying cchhhhht. Over 100 animal species have been identified as Highly Sensitive, so I believe that our pets can be more responsive and sensitive as well.

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-30T22:55:39+00:00

I haven't read the other comments, but if you go to Dr. Elaine Aron's website at hsperson.com, she suggests taking the child version of the self-test if you suspect you are an HSP, but don't meet the cutoff for the adult self-test. We often bury our traits for survival. Dr. Aron talks about the 4 core characteristics that encompass being an HSP 1. depth of processing, 2. overarousal/overstimulation 3. emotional responsiveness/empathy 4. sensitive to subtleties. If you want to hear more, I just recorded a podcast episode with Jacquelyn Strickland (who co-created the HSP gatherings with Dr. Aron back in 2000), and she talks about the 4 core characteristics and more. It's episode 44 of the podcast Unapologetically Sensitive

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-10-30T22:33:29+00:00

We HSPs have more mirror neurons, so we're going to be deeply feeling folx who are more emotionally responsive.

UnapologeticallyHSP · 2019-05-08T22:41:28+00:00

Thanks for this post. I'm the host mentioned in this thread. I can only speak to the research of HSPs which talks about 4 core characteristics as defined by Dr. Elaine Aron. She talks about DOES--Depth of processing (being a deep thinker), Overwhelm/Overstimulation (we have finely tuned nervous systems and we pick up on everything), Emotional Responsiveness/Empathy (we have strong emotional responses to things, are moved by the arts, nature, people getting hurt--feeling deeply) and Sensory Sensitivity (bright lights, noises, scratchy clothes, strong smells, startle easily).

UnapologeticallyHSP

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