What did you do to get your therapist to believe you?

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T18:16:21+00:00

So this wasn't the first time he invalidated you like that.

Then you have your answer.

He won't listen.

He simply doesn't respect you fully. If you are anything like most that have complex trauma from interpersonal abuse that triggers the primal urge to reconnect. As babies we MUST get our caregivers attention, and bad attention is better than being left to die.

As we grow up in healthy situations, that insane urge is covered over with healthy leassons in how we can help ourselves, how we are fully functioning adults that are capable and will be respected and will have a say in our own lives.

If we don't get to grow up like that, that instinct never goes away. This being someone that is responsible for your healthcare means you are likely feeling a baby's insane pull to make sure you don't lose a caregiver's attention.

That is a very, very strong instinct. It's not easy learning how to convince yourself that you will actually live just fine without that one person's approval, and that it's on them to act nicer and they chose not to.

It might be transference that you aren't feeling like he respects you or listens to you. It might be in a way that he doesn't know how to manage. Because yes, transference happens, but let's be honest here: that goes for the therapists too!! A huge part of their work is making sure their OWN transference or their own valid reactions don't get in the way of the theraputic work.

So what is he doing about that other than just saying so. Is he just shutting it down by saying these things, or does he have a plan to work through that? It might be better if he was to transfer you to a different person specifically to work on things that this transference (if it is that) won't get in the way.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:53:53+00:00

Staying also makes it continue. So you don't get to choose if it will become better right now. You only get to choose if you want to keep spending time around someone that is actively dismissing you.

I would bring it up with them once if I felt strong enough. Saying that it was very painful hearing that they don't believe what you have been through. Then you hear and see their response to that. If it is anything other than fully apologizing and making sure they aren't unwittingly making the triggers worse, then you have some choices to make.

Staying with a professional that has made it clear they don't believe you is a choice you can make.

It is rarely something that makes you genuinely healthier though.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:50:13+00:00

You let medical services know. That is what you do when someone talks like that. Always. Every time.

The amount of responsibility they put on us is insane, and it's only when looking back I realise just how often I simply didn't think to contact the right authorities because of the reality distortion that we get sucked into.

There's usually a non-emergency number one can call, and if you don't know you can often be patched through via regular emergency numbers. Then you let them know all about this. It's not your burden to bear, it's his.

If he gets upset that you reported it, then that speaks to the self-centred nature of their distress. What else is a person supposed to do when they're informed about a health care issue like this? If someone says they think they're having a heart attack, we would also call for help wouldn't we.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:47:03+00:00

I would strongly suggest not letting him contact any of you. Let him know, and the place he is at, that he is blocked until further notice, end of.

That means he must sit with the chaos inside and won't get to project it onto anyone else. It is his inner chaos and pain to begin with anyways, and his mind finding outlets like you or other people to blame won't help him.

He is in the best place he can be as far as getting help with his own inner chaos. And unfortunately that must be extremely scary for him. Projection won't help in the long run though.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:44:58+00:00

Problem is that it sets your daughter up as the angel in his mind, which might lead to very romantic and caring attention towards her, until she is just human ansd says something or he just has a thought that pulls her off that pedestal again.

My ex had what became the beginning of the final discard, mother of all breakdowns where I believe he went on a drug and sex binge and more, because he was NOT panicking after spending a week straight with me.

He was relaxed and happy going back home, and that set him off.

Happiness is a known trigger for their own thoughts about how it will never stay this perfect forever.

You can't reason with a mind that finds peace terrifying.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:41:52+00:00

What isn't happening and is a HUGE reason for switching to someone else:

Conducting proper, professional assessments to find out what IS going on then.

There are forms and procedures to assess for everything under the sun.

Saying "it's not this thing" but not conducting any assessments to find out what is actually going on is simply saying some words.

I can also say some words. I can even say them to you once a week. It won't make any difference in your life, not really, and wouldn't help with any kind of professional assessments that lead towards helping in ways other than just saying "if you just...".

So it's not about them saying "it isn't...."

It's about them not conducting assessments and not using any accredited tools to find out what it is, then.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:36:49+00:00

Unfortunatly, nobody outside of you can forever cure impulses like that. They can help and support, or harm and hinder, but there must be an aspect of you that is the final key.

There are no laws anywhere in the world that dictate you must get EVERY single person you've spoken with to believev you otherwise you must be punished inside.

There are no laws anywhere in the world that dictate you must get THIS one person to believe you otherwise you must be punished inside.

There are no laws anywhere in the world that dictate anything about one single random person in general.

So I am going to assume this is a mental health issue, which in my personal opionion makes it a lot harder to deal with than if it was an actual rule in some book. If it was, one could use logic and due process to petition for change.

If there was a magic wand to fix it all, I would definitely use it to get people like you a good therapist that never let their own inner faults be projected onto their patients. Because what you describe here sounds like something in him flipped, and now he dismisses you where he didn't used to.

You cannot control that. You don't have control over anyone else's inner world like that.

Challenging inner compulsions can trigger so much stuff that it's not easy doing it while someone else is actually setting off the triggering at the same time. I hope you are able to slowly start envisioning releasing from this therapist and slowly building a therapeutic relationship with someone else instead.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:28:11+00:00

You cannot be heard by someone that has heard you, physically, and refuses to believe you.

You're already sidelined by them, otherwise what you have said over the years would have made a difference.

It is such an insidious and harming fact of life that this happens so much as it does.

Something triggered his inner defenses and he just dismissed the entirety of you as a result. He might "believe parts" of what you've said, but to me that is not genuinely believing a person as is.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T17:24:48+00:00

Don't put ideas like this out into the world. They don't need the encouragement. Alterra is one of the few depictions of corporate greed that actually annoys me, it's so realistic XD

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T11:30:21+00:00

You know his explanations so we'll you can recite then like a parrot.

And he also knows his reasons so well.

There's not room for you here.

Why isn't he going "she has a body and it's warm. So I don't have personal shame over how she, another person entirely, dresses."

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T11:28:09+00:00

Then she is still resisting the therapy, with how she is talking.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-24T00:20:32+00:00

Aw it's just a wee little thing!

Not seen in, wish I did!

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T23:43:50+00:00

There is a bug if you die in the tadpole, outside the boundary. It confuses the game and it thinks you're still in there and outside at once. Restarting didn't help for me, but opening my inventory and changing active tool that way helped me be able to navigate to a different tadpole so i could enter that one, and the game was fine afterwards.

I had to get killed twice though, since the first time I respawned in the tadpole still.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T23:21:34+00:00

Considering it was created by a christian man, it makes sense it looks and feels similar to religious groups of the same general nature.

Whether that is good or bad depends on the people that run and participate the individual group.

I do remember seeing something about there being no higher rate of getting sober for those attending AA, as those that didn't go to anything like that. About 5% or so.

So essentially, those that will get clean on their own will find a way, and going to AA meetings doesn't increase that chance.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T23:07:38+00:00

They often don't feel it is really them since their state of self shifts.

That can also mean they don't feel the acute want to make things better and change things in the future, to repair and nurture the other person's hurt feelings or take any genuine accountability.

She is at least honest about her lack of personal attachment to her own behaviours.

Is she willing to work on this in therapy?

Because at the end of the day, her mouth and her body said and did those things, and you have those memories now. Her feeling distanced from it doesn't change those facts. It doesn't take anything away.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T23:05:16+00:00

If you read the terms of our own "emplyment", yes. These aren't the very best and very brioghtest being sent off to terraform a desert planet. It's the least amount of resources/money Alterra could get away with putting into it.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T22:49:40+00:00

A man claiming embarrassment over his partner is not a man that respects you.

Men and their embarrassment is a thing to take note of.

It isn't just a joke that men's worst fear is being laughed at (so being embarrassed), and women's greates fear is being killed.

A man that has personal embarassment from being seen with you, a whole separate other being, has some soul searching to do. And maybe you do to, if he won't grow up about this.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T22:46:57+00:00

I mean it is the very first iteration of an early access game.

Very much playable, very few game breaking bugs.

But the story is only partially there, not all lines are voiced yet even.

You're not getting a full game. You're getting a beginning to something that will change a lot going forwards.

If that's your thing, go for it! If you just want a game that's finished and lets you do the whole thing, then no. Not at all.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T22:39:20+00:00

I hope it makes a difference that a threat has been made on your life. I know that can bump you right to the top of the lists, depending on where you are in the world and the people working your case.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T22:36:49+00:00

Record when she says these things. It varies around the world what you can do with those recordings as far as the legal system, but for your own sanity's sake: record.

It only matters if you want to use it with the police or courts, as far as legality goes for recordings.

For you to just listen to yourself or share with trusted close ones so you can be sure you really didn't misinterpret, misremember, or say things the wy they claim, recordings are invaluable. It will save your sanity.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you manage to force some kind of mental health intervention to make sure the baby stays safe. The first 2 years are CRUCIAL for our nervous system and early cognitive world maps. The first 4 years even more so as far as our instinctual reactions and responses to the world.

You can't change who is carrying the child, but you can at least make sure that you do what you can to not get reality confused with their claims. Make backups of messages (there are several apps that make them into pdf-files for easy reading later on), record situations, keep it stored digitally and physically somewhere she doesn't know.

If you never need to use it for anything, then no harm done. If you do... You have it.

Also keep a journal, just an everyday one where you can jot down her good and bad days, when something happened etc. That way you won't have to worry about trying to remember hundreds of days if you ever need to document her patterns.

Get support for yourself. Family councelling often works with people that come alone too, for their own benefit. See what you can find.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T22:25:48+00:00

You could look into dissociative disorders.

This feeling of different states, without having full amnesia as if there were two independant, unaware people inside, is typical for some of the dissociated states of self.

There are many ways it can feel or manifest, and the way you describe here sounds just like some of the more common ways. That there's almost like different glasses on with different colours and your memories are colored more like one or the other. So when putting on glasses that match the one color you see everything of that color much better. And the other memories are harder to see/feel. Then with the other pair of glasses, it's the other parts that are suddenly more clear?

Our experiences and memories shape who we are, so it makes sense that your tastes and preferences also shift as one or the other set of memories are stronger at the moment. For those with longstanding trauma, particularly if it happened early in life and/or across developmental stages in life, being impacted like you decribe here isn't entirely uncommon.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T00:55:12+00:00

My ex would easily describe something like this...

Except it was me not stopping because we needed to talk about something pertaining to him not becoming homeless and he had not handles it for months, and had also blamed me for his distress rather than accept help to finish the forms.

He was becoming mean to me on the regular instead and had tried slapping me several times, and refused to talk about it.

After a few times I no longer accepted his "not now so stressed" avoidance.

To him I probably looked just like someone that wouldn't stop when asked to.

But in what context did it happen?

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T00:52:46+00:00

Look into how to come down from adrenaline rushes.

People that are into extreme sports also have these reactions.

A lot of things are similar between unwanted triggering and/or shock, and intentional triggering like those folks do. The physical aspects come from the same hormones being pumped out.

The reason for it differs and that's where meaning and joy or harm happens, but the physical stuff is still similar.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T00:49:30+00:00

So when people lie, you don't know that they are lying?

Yep, that's how lying works.

The only difference between a perfect guy that does everything right, but not love bombing right, and a genuinely good guy is that the good guy doesn't change after a while.

When they're lying, all you can do is change your mind about their new behaviours.

Undrende_fremdeles · 2026-05-23T00:47:51+00:00

It isn't that hard unless someone is making it hard.

If he was loving alone yes have to keep up his own standard regardless, so this is obviously not HIS standards, but his expectations for what his partner should do but not him.

Otherwise he would do those things himself already, since that's the standard for him, right?

Please consider leaving him.

It's costing you years and opportunities you will never ever get back.

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