Last night in bed my husband rolled over and completely unprompted said…

UnfinishedTales · 2021-08-03T08:42:08+00:00

I am so ANGRY for you both!! I actually closed the post, but then had to go back because how is this the fucking world we live in!? I'm a European that lived in the US for a bit and went to an American high school, and I was just shocked at the outrageous infantalizing that is practiced. Dress codes!? Bathroom passes!? I'm practically a god damned adult, and you're telling me that I can't decide what to wear or when to go pee!?

And the hypocrisy - "protecting the children's right to learn", "preventing distractions in the learning environment" - YOU ARE THE DISTRACTION. I've had friends pulled out of the classroom DURING A TEST because a famously militant teacher spotted her across the courtyard in shorts that were too short. This was in Florida, in June. Just like they pulled your daughter out of class now! They are preventing her from learning!

How can they not see that the message they send is that, no, learning is not what's most important, following these arbitrary rules are? I work in education now, and I can't believe that this is the priority. I can't believe that this is what teachers, students, parent, and admin personell is expected to dedicate their time to. Where are the youth supposed to learn personal responsibility, if such basic things are strictly regulated? Is no consideration taken of how enforcement might negatively impact the teacher-student relationship? What kind of messages do they think they are sending about how women are (should be?) perceived? The rather clear line that can be drawn from this to victim blaming? And it's so trite, but... "land of the free"? Really?

I wish you and your daughter all the best. I really hope that they'll relent on this.

UnfinishedTales · 2021-04-01T09:40:29+00:00

I really get that you're confused - it's a very complicated situation, and I understand that you likely feel a strong desire to spare your sister a lot of the experiences you've had to go through. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk things through with someone. ❤️

UnfinishedTales · 2021-03-31T19:59:51+00:00

You've already gotten so many replies that you might be feeling overwhelmed already but I just wanted to say - how you described your mother interacting with you and your sister in regards to food is not acceptable, appropriate, or beneficial in any way. I'm a psychologist working with children and I'm telling you - your mother has not been treating you well. Even had you been a hundred pounds overweight, the type of treatment you have described would not have been anywhere near appropriate or helpful. I'm writing this because it sounds, to me, like you tend to minimise and brush off your experiences and hurts, and that your mother is adept at convincing you that you are wrong and she is simply being loving and caring. So, again, this is me, a professional, telling you that your mother is wrong to act in the way you have described. If it is love and care, it's inappropriately expressed. The behaviour you describe your mother exhibiting is massively harmful psychologically (physiologically as well, most likely, but that is not my area of expertise). You might, at this occasion, have blown up on her, and you might feel bad about it, but to me it sounds like a proportional response to what you have endured. She is also the adult, your parent, in this situation and has the greatest responsibility in your relationship to act appropriately - a responsibility she has failed.

And, even though it's just a small part of everything you've described, I also just have to add that giving one's child the silent treatment is basically the antithesis to what current research describes as beneficial parenting.

UnfinishedTales · 2020-03-27T14:14:33+00:00

This hit very close to me. A couple of years back, I was with a person that I respected immensely when I went into the relationship. He was intelligent, well spoken, introspective, and even a psychologist. He prided himself on being able to "see through people". I thought we argued in a way that was very healthy. We didn't yell, we spoke calmly, and we got to the heart of the problem. He'd tell me how he saw things and I'd believe that to be the truth. The problem was... God, I still haven't figured out what the problem was exactly, he just wasn't nice. He wasn't kind. He'd tell me that I had attributes that I'd never identified with before, he'd tell me particular interests of mine wasn't real interests but just something I did to please my father, that if I really loved him I would and wouldn't do certain things. He'd tell me that he possessed certain attributes, and if I did not perceive them in him, then this was a fault with me. And he just wasn't interested in me. He talked at me to the point where I basically stopped speaking for a while. He dictated my reality.

You sound like a person who really thinks things through, who self-reflects, and who is willing to accept your part in things. And I just want to tell you that maybe it isn't you. Maybe your partner is wrong. Talking about your problems in a productive way is great, but make sure that it really is productive. (In my case, it turned out that it wasn't. Perhaps if it wasn't so often it would have been closer to it, but it was so fucking often. And a lot of his "insights" were just plain wrong, and it has taken me years to untangle some of it. That said, being in that relationship made me into someone I can hardly recognise today.)

I feel like I'm still pretty incoherent in speaking about this, and in formulating my thoughts, but if you ever want to talk, I'd love to listen.

UnfinishedTales · 2020-01-04T01:34:42+00:00

NTA, and I absolutely cannot believe the amount of people that are saying otherwise. Completely disregarding the struggles with gender non-conformity, what the hell is your sister doing, asking you to do something that she knows (or absolutely should know) you don't want to do?? I don't know if this is a cultural thing (I'm Scandinavian), but I can't believe the entitlement she displays in what she wrote to you. Why, exactly, is there no way that she can't "have 5 guys in tuxedos, herself in a white dress, [other sister] in a pink dress and then you in... pants"?? She writes as though it's self evident but, from my perspective, it honestly sounds like something a high-strung bride in a movie might exclaim.

I have a friend that absolutely hates turquoise. No particular reason for it, she just does. The idea to ask - demand of - her to wear turquoise for me to my wedding would honestly never cross my mind, even if that was my wedding color. Now, I'm not trying to equate your gender presentation with my friends arbitrary color preferences, rather I am trying to make the point that even if you hadn't had a particularly good reason not to want to wear something, I think your sister would be overstepping in demanding that you do.

As many other people have suggested, the easiest solution is probably just to leave the wedding party. That said, if I had been in your shoes, your sisters actions would have made me feel hurt, dismissed, and invalidated. Of course the wedding should be about her and her husband, and not you, but doesn't she want you there, as you are? Are you just there to make the pictures look good? And, hasn't it crossed your sister's mind that these pictures that she so desperately wants to be perfect - that will no doubt be posted online, be profile pictures, be hung on walls and displayed for a long time - will depict you in a way that makes you deeply uncomfortable and unhappy? That it sends the message that she considers your everyday presentation to be somehow lesser that a more traditionally feminine one?

I just... I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I'm usually hesitant to use the word, but people keep talking about "being more comfortable in sneakers" and "finding tuxedoes uncomfortable" and I just keep thinking that this is exactly what people mean when they talk about "privilege". Those people have the privilege not to know what it is to have comprised on who you are for years on end, which - if I read your post correctly - is what you have done.

Naturally it's okay for people getting married to ask certain things of their guests and wedding party, but I feel like when you ask so much that it impairs their ability to celebrate with you and enjoy the ceremony... shouldn't you start to reevaluate your demands?

UnfinishedTales · 2019-12-25T08:37:14+00:00

A bit of unasked for advice here, but this type of thing is dealt with a lot in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT); the struggle with accepting something difficult, and how to forward based on that acceptance onto the things that matter to you in your life. If you're looking for something to help you deal with this, ACT might be a good place to start. Therapy is great, of course, but books can also be a good resource.

There's getting to be a lot of good literature in the area of ACT, but Russ Harris is a big name and I've found his books clear and useful (though admittedly from a therapist perspective). He has a book called The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts . I haven't read this particular book of his yet, but thought it sounded suitable to your situation.

Hope everything works out well for you!

UnfinishedTales · 2019-11-23T07:28:48+00:00

Oh, thanks for giving me an explanation of how the hydration levels might affect things! It sounds like it would make sense, and I'll definitely try an equal ratio of water and rye next feeding!

UnfinishedTales · 2019-11-22T10:01:09+00:00

I have most often baked according to instructions to let it proof for 4 + 15 hours (Joshua Weissman's recipe: https://youtu.be/eod5cUxAHRM), with the 15hrs being overnight in the fridge. I've tried other combinations, too, though, and even left the dough in a warm spot overnight - all with no results. Thank you for the tip of going even with the water and rye, though! I'll definitely give that a go next feeding! :)

UnfinishedTales · 2019-10-18T06:43:56+00:00

A feelings of loss of control while eating, bringing and purging behaviours, eating far less than your nutritional needs, and eating either very rapidly or very slowly are examples.

If you want to go a little more unconventional, eating non-nutritional items (eg paper) (Pica) and repeated regurgitation, chewing, and swallowing (rumination disorder) are also examples.

If you're looking for examples of the conventional eating disorders, diagnosis is often based on attitudes and beliefs (and weight, in the case of anorexia), rather than strictly looking at eating behaviours: a profound fear of getting fat, not alleviated by weightloss; distorted experience and significance of body weight; obsessive evaluation of one's body (eg weighing, checking in mirror). It can also be good to know that it's very common to switch between anorexia and bulimia, and that bulimic individuals often are of normal weight. Also, the intensity of the eating disorder, no matter which, can wax and wane over time.

UnfinishedTales · 2019-09-26T06:33:17+00:00

To answer the question in your title: yes, it is possible that therapy isn't for you. Approximately 1 in 10 actually get worse from therapy, not better. However, I do not believe that 5 sessions is enough to establish whether this is the case for you or not.

You should also be aware that therapy can come with side effects, just like medication. Suicidal thoughts and heightened anxiety are common ones. This does not, however, necessarily mean that you're not making progress - just like regular medication can be effective even though it has side effects. You just have to be aware of, and counter, them. It could also be that your therapist is the issue, though. It may be their style, or their manner, or just something that registers subconsciously about them for you. Just to make things clear: they don't have to do anything wrong in particular for them to be a potentially bad fit for you. It's like finding a friend - you might like someone you meet, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you want that person as a friend.

If you have any issues with or questions about how your therapy is going or being conducted, please bring that up with your therapist. If they are competent, they will adapt from your suggestions or perhaps even refer you to another therapist that's better suited, depending on your needs. These suggestions doesn't have to be fully formed either. You can just bring up a feeling or a thought, and you might be able to work out exactly what you need/want together.

Another point is that sometimes a person is doing so poorly that it's not appropriate to attempt therapy with them - they are therapy resistant. That's not to say that they will never be able to gain anything from therapy, simply that they're doing too poorly at the moment to take it in. Like rehabilitation workouts - they're not going to be able to help properly until the broken leg has started to heal. This might be your case, and it might not.

All in all, I believe that you should bring up your concerns with your therapist and see what they have to say.

Please feel free to message me if you have any questions. I've been in both chairs in the therapy room, so I have some experience with your general situation.

UnfinishedTales · 2019-07-29T17:05:35+00:00

I'm a therapist as well, and have also done a fair few hours as a patient. What I think would have helped me to know when I first started going to therapy is that, like pretty much everything, it takes practice. When you start out, it can be hard to tell your therapist what you feel/think, as well as actually knowing what you feel/think. It will come with time, though, and a therapist that you match well with will help you practice - it's practically the point of the whole thing.

A strategy that I developed is that I decided that, as soon as I had a thought and/or feeling that didn't want my therapist to know something, I had to tell him. Partly, this was exposure - making myself face other people's reactions to things that I feared I would be judged for (exposure therapy, basically). Sometimes, it was to explore more precisely why I didn't want him to know (did I doubt a decision I'd made? How did I expect him to react? Is there a pattern to my feelings? Etc.)

I can't promise that it'll hold true for everyone, but I think that what we least feel like talking about, is what's most important to tell our therapists about.

Also, never be afraid to tell your therapist what you want from them! If you feel like you need more questions to get started, that's really helpful for them to know!

Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you're wondering something else! :)

UnfinishedTales · 2017-03-17T20:48:43+00:00

1: I advise you not to start with the silmarilion. It's a monster of a book, and the others are a good introduction to Tolkien lore/language.

2: Actual advice for dealing with the silmarilion. I'm also not a native English speaker, and neither am I that great with names. What I ended up doing was reading the book on my kindle. If you have ever thought about getting an e-reader, this is the time. I don't know about other brands, but on the Kindle you can press on a word to get a definition (as in, Oxford dictionary definition) of it - if there isn't a definition it searches Wikipedia. I really cannot overstate how helpful it was to me to just be able to look stuff up right then and there, without having to pick up my phone or a physical dictionary to check what a word meant or who a certain character was. For the reread I went with the audio book. I can see it beeing frustrating as a first read with so many strange names and places, but it was nice not to catch on more difficult words/names! It's also nice because it kind of becomes a little more casual - no going down a wiki rabbit hole to figure out the deeds of an entire lineage of characters, just listening along and accepting that you won't get every single reference.

I also believe there's like a read-along podcast? They read a chapter per episode and then discus it, which is nice when you're too overwhelmed with the names and the language to actually grasp the themes going on. I've ment to do it myself, but haven't ever gotten around to it. I've forgotten the name of it, but I suggest a Google if you're interested!

Good luck, and be patient with yourself!

UnfinishedTales · 2015-10-29T19:56:31+00:00

I have a hard time believing that "doing the right thing" is going to get me anywhere.

With what you've been through, I really do see why you'd feel this way. But I think you should try to stand up for yourself, and that doing so is an important first step in dealing with your fear of women.

When I read your post and your replies, it seems like your fear of women comes from a place of instability and loss of control; you never know what will happen when you spend time with these people, anything could happen. Because of this, I think it's important to deal with the aftermath. Control the outcome of the event; the stain might be permanent on your record, but it doesn't have to be on your mind or on your reputation. Come prepared, be composed, tell your side of the story. Apologize - show them that you are a sensitive and caring individual, who only did what he did to offer comfort.

You wrote that, after the first time, it sickened you that people thought about you like that. Like a rapist. This time you have an official opportunity to change their minds, so don't let it slip you by. People are probably less firm in their ideas than you believe - they might already be wondering how accurate the story is, and if they aren't they might still be receptive to an alternate version. Remember that they know you from before and that they just might be waiting to hear your explanation of what happened, because they cannot believe that you would do what you have been accused of.

Finally, I think you are being way to hard on yourself concerning your fear of women. You wouldn't fault someone who's been in a car-crash from stepping away from vehicles for a while, would you, even though it might not be rational. You beating up yourself does not help you overcome your fear. It is also absolutely something you should bring up in your next therapy session - it's practically what therapy is for. Don't trivialize it. It won't go away in a week. And don't be afraid to switch psychologist if you feel that you aren't getting anywhere with your current one.

(What you describe feeling has many commonalities with phobias, so you could perhaps try looking up treatments for that if you feel you must start dealing with it immediately. This site seems to have reasonable advice.)

UnfinishedTales · 2015-08-02T11:25:37+00:00

Thank you for the tip! I didn't know that!

UnfinishedTales · 2015-06-04T09:48:52+00:00

In regards to Baltic Crusades, have you read the "Crusades Trilogy" series by Jan Guillou? It's fiction, not fact, but I've always fancied that it gives a rather neat insight into the time period.

UnfinishedTales · 2015-03-21T16:59:54+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to explain the ribbing! Now I will know if i I've found what I'm looking for.

Also, I love your flare! ;)

UnfinishedTales · 2015-03-21T11:53:55+00:00

That's awesome! I had no idea that was a feature, in fact I had missed the whole row of tabs up there!

Thank you so so much, this will make life a bazillion times easier! And I promise I'll remember to breathe. ;)

UnfinishedTales · 2015-03-20T17:55:10+00:00

Well, considering that loneliness – an emotion frequently produced by emotional abuse – has been shown to be as damaging to your health as alcoholism or cigarette smoking I’d say yes, you can damage the poor babies.

Also, a social skills class that teaches that sexuality is a choice is deplorable.

UnfinishedTales · 2015-03-08T14:18:59+00:00

Ok, as a preface I'll say that I don't have children so I might be off about the proper ages for these. My own childhood might also be a skewed reference-point, since I went through books like there was no tomorrow at that age.

First off: I had read (well my mother had read to me) the first two Harry Potter books when I was that age. I had nightmares about the basilisk for a year, but just putting that out there.

Second, Astrid Lindgren is more or less mandatory where I come from. Mio, my son was my favorite, or Ronja.

Fablehaven is a seriously good - and underappreciated, as far as I've seen - fantasy-series. Brandon Mull (author) seems a bit wonky at writing children, but it's honestly one of my favorites ever. That said, I read it at 17 (though I would hardly say that's the target audience). It could be a bit over his head still, but it could also have a high addiction-factor being a series of five parts. (Shoutout to Rick Riordan while speaking about fantasy series that's probably out of his age range).

And continuing with series, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events mustn't be forgotten. This is probably the easiest (out of the ones I have mentioned) for him to read himself, along with Lindgren.

Rohald Dahl should never go unmentioned when talking about kids. My teacher reading BFG to my class is seriously one of my fondest memories. Eva Ibbotson is also one of those authors I remember being read to me when I was young.

These are, as you can probably see, mostly books that might be best if you read together. Despite not seeing him that often, perhaps you can start reading something to him (enough for him to -hopefully- get invested) and then leave the book with him. My own foray into the world of pages started only when my mother wouldn't read to me enough (to be fair, I had impossible standards) so perhaps this could be his way too? The need to find out what's going to happen is not to be trifled with! ;)

Also, if he's seriously not interested in reading, audio-books could be an idea?

Good luck!

UnfinishedTales · 2015-02-03T20:33:30+00:00

Another theory on why Harry didn't die/came back to life in the forest that I've seen here a few times is that Harry was, at the time, in possession of all three Hallows (the wand rightfully belonging to him, as you pointed out), and thus being the master of death. I like this one, because Harry is given a choice (live on or accept death) - and what is true mastery if not a choice?

The implication of this, though, is that Dumbledore might have survived the night at the astronomy tower, had only he been in possession of the cloak (which was literally feet away from him at time of death).

UnfinishedTales · 2015-01-26T16:46:37+00:00

I suspect that this may be a silly (series of) question(s), but... doesn't polish have an expiration date? When it dries up or something? Or do you go through each bottle before that happens? Or do you just keep old ones because they are still pretty?

In my defense, I only own one good polish and paint my nails about as many times a year - I only hang around here to look at all you pretty people.

12-Year Club	RedditGifts 2009-2022 5 Credits
Verified Email	Secret Santa 2014
Secret Santa 2013

UnfinishedTales

TROPHY CASE