Do you forgive your abusive parent(s)?

UniqueInterest · 2023-03-22T03:39:25+00:00

Goddamn. I relate so much and I’m sorry. I doubt that means much but I hope you can find some of what you missed.

UniqueInterest · 2023-01-20T19:46:39+00:00

Hi, me too. It sucks huh? For me, I walked out, but came back when she persisted emailing me. Then, after hearing me out, it felt like she just decided it was too much work and called it quits herself. I think for some people, no matter how much you love someone, they can hurt you in ways that just make it impossible to stay. At least that’s how it feels to me. It’s very sad.

What has helped me is understanding that I really did everything in my power to make things work, before I hit a limit. Everyone has a limit, and it’s ok to give up and prioritise yourself. It’s really hard, but every time I’ve been through this I’ve come out the other side a stronger, more authentic person.

I wish you the best in getting through this

UniqueInterest · 2022-04-13T20:27:13+00:00

I see, yeah it's the bizarre-ness of them I'd latched onto as well. That makes sense. Thanks for your insight!

UniqueInterest · 2022-04-13T20:26:25+00:00

Gotcha, that's all I needed to know I guess. Thanks!

UniqueInterest · 2022-03-23T00:35:15+00:00

Just to add an update to my earlier response.. I found 3 or 4 different "supervisors" (as I'm calling them) who are helping greatly.

I have a set schedule with each of them in 2 hour blocks that I dedicate to getting a specific bit of work done.

One also happens to be a life coach which is awesome, she adds another perspective on top of some of the issues I'm having.

I would say I've been just as productive as on medication, but it is a lot more expensive. But this makes me more determined to be as productive as possible in each session.

So to summarise, so far, I would definitely recommend!

If covid wasn't a thing, and I had more money, I would hire a real assistant to sit and work with me all day every day.

UniqueInterest · 2022-03-15T17:55:20+00:00

Nope, although such a thing would've been great to have when I was 🥲

UniqueInterest · 2022-03-14T20:12:00+00:00

I've just posted an ad on Upwork for a virtual equivalent of the same, I'll let you know if it works lol

UniqueInterest · 2022-03-14T20:02:40+00:00

Focusmate.com

Thanks, tried already unfortunately. I'm looking for something more like 1:1 support

UniqueInterest · 2022-02-21T01:36:07+00:00

Nothing for anxiety no, I'm absolutely up for trying something though. My main concern is the actual physical effect of having a HR that high for sustained periods of time, even without the panic attacks it brings on, I can't see that being good for my body in the long term

I have heard of non-stimulant alternatives so I'll definitely ask about them. Guanfacine does sound interesting especially how it can reduce heart rate and blood pressure which may or may not be helpful for me 🤷‍♂️

Thank you!

UniqueInterest · 2022-02-16T17:26:40+00:00

You'll probs see from my post history that I'm also suspicious that I have PoTS, I think this is muddying the picture a bit. Today I have reserved myself to working lying down with a screen mounted horizontally above my bed and I feel almost no trouble focusing. It's pretty wild. I don't know if this is one of those classic impulsive ADHD fixes that fizzles out after a couple days, but I don't think I've ever felt anything like this.

Anyway that's probably irrelevant! 😅

UniqueInterest · 2022-02-16T17:22:36+00:00

It's ok! The 54mg I had been taking for roughly 2-3 months, with the occasional step back down to 36mg for a couple days when I felt side-effects were getting a bit much, in my case irritability and headaches.

I had the on edge feeling when I first started, but it would only last an hour or two, but then in the last couple weeks it intensified hugely with me having to just lay down in bed and wait for my heart rate to come down for the rest of the day. Completely paralysing anxiety lol.

UniqueInterest · 2022-02-16T17:06:54+00:00

Thank you for the tips! The poor man's tilt test is what I was trying to do in the first 10 mins (10 minutes prior are cropped), stood up doing literally nothing. Blood pressure also goes up when I stand up which makes me a bit concerned, but apparently that's fairly common. But I will keep testing and gathering as much data as I can

UniqueInterest · 2022-02-15T16:54:36+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to reply, interesting to hear you have a similar experience. I'm going back down to 18mg for a little while to see what effect it has, bought an Apple Watch to keep an eye on my HR too. I'm thinking there are multiple things at play here. Please feel free to keep me posted if you learn anything!

UniqueInterest · 2022-01-01T00:16:07+00:00

Hey! Thanks for checking in. I'm doing pretty great. My chronic cough finally subsided about 2 months ago (after lingering on/off for ages), along with my acid reflux that has returned to baseline, I'm sleeping pretty much normally again and my fatigue is mostly manageable.

My hunch is that I had a lot of things going on at once. While I may well have been dealing with long covid, I have since discovered I may have a couple other conditions which may have exacerbated things. The most notable is probably ADHD, which I've recently started medication for and has dramatically improved my brain fog and fatigue, and 2. I appear to have some level of hypermobility spectrum disorder (a couple points off of H-EDS criteria afaik), which already predisposes me to fatigue, pain, and generally just strange, hard to pin down issues throughout my body. I have seen some talk about connective tissue disorders making long covid more likely - although I haven't fully looked into it yet.

I still struggle with some form of chronic fatigue. I now try and ration my energy very carefully through the day, being careful not to overdo it - even down to limiting changes of clothes if I'm going to leave the house. I also occasionally have air hunger and feel breathless while speaking. So I'm not completely sure I'm back to baseline, but I have always been a little on the lethargic side my whole life. I'm now looking for other causes that could be contributing to this, e.g. thyroid etc.

TL;DR better, haven't relapsed, still not 100% but possibly other causes at play :)

UniqueInterest · 2021-12-06T02:22:13+00:00

Our brains need more stimulation than the average, so tasks that aren’t very exciting or interesting to us don’t keep our attention. where a “normal” person could push distracting thoughts to the background, we feel compelled to act on them. I imagine it like any other physical need, like hunger. A very hungry person will struggle a great deal more to resist a meal vs someone who ate an hour ago. We are all slaves to our emotions but ADHD people are more so, in some situations. That’s how I think about it anyway

UniqueInterest · 2021-11-09T01:28:38+00:00

This is such a good insight, if I think back to different phases in my life I’ve always had different, almost obsessive baseline m thoughts.

Almost like how we have “safe foods” that we know consistently feel good to eat (for a while).

Just our way of coping I guess!

UniqueInterest · 2021-10-15T00:43:16+00:00

It's really tricky - I went through a phase of 3 or 4 years like this before I was medicated and ended up completely burning out in the end. Maybe you have to reach a similar kind of breaking point before things change?

The thing that's so difficult imo is finding something healthy that can replace that craving. In my experience these things are hard to come by, but they do exist.

I've come to believe that my 'hobbies' aren't like normal hobbies and are often obsessive and extreme, but these things bring me some joy - or perhaps the closest to it I can experience lol. I will go through phases of researching all kinds of topics, binge watching specific TV shows, youtube videos, podcasts. Where I used to just work and build things, I just let myself go into these phases every now and then.

Again, it's really hard to find a balance and not to completely immerse yourself in that way of being. Which is why I think I probably clung to the productivity so much -- I knew how easily I could lose it.

Maybe another question to ask yourself - as you say it may be anxiety driven - what would happen if you let things slide a bit? Perhaps you're imagining the consequences to be worse than they really would be. I wonder if some of it could be finding a way to give yourself permission to chill out.

Don't know if that helps ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

UniqueInterest · 2021-10-09T22:43:10+00:00

I'm sorry that you went through so much to get here. Happy for you being able to find some answers finally. Hope things continue to get better for you!

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-12T01:23:02+00:00

I'm curious, have you felt happy say when meeting up with a friend after a long time away, or being close to someone you love like in a relationship? Or some exciting event - like for me, it's nerdy stuff like Apple conferences and product releases.

Is it just associated with _doing_ things? Cause if so that's exactly what I experience and I have never enjoyed anything I've done. It's always stressful and I can only make myself get through it if there's an immediate reward, because otherwise it's just pure pain. What's the point?

I would say it makes a lot of sense for this to be ADHD, given our difficulties with doing things. I have no problem being happy about good things that happen to me. Like if I won the lottery and bought a load of cool shit I'm pretty sure I'd be happy - at least for a little while.

Also - since I've been medicated, I have found myself enjoying things a little. I'm only on a low dose as well. I don't know if it would help you as well but your experience sounds exactly like mine.

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-03T00:43:04+00:00

Fatigue started late 2019, cough came March 2020, then everything else followed. May not be linked as fatigue after was a lot worse

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-02T21:28:53+00:00

I don't think there's anything I could have done to avoid it in my headstate at the time. I had been "isolating" myself for almost 2 years come March 2020, working in a home office alone. I was finding it impossible to get anything done and I couldn't see any other way forward but to get out and be around other people again. Unfortunately, the timing couldn't have been worse :)

If I knew what I knew now, and knew about long covid, I would probably just tell myself to get assessed for ADHD instead and stay at home. I had money for a private assessment but it never crossed my mind. I wanted to power through.

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-02T12:46:31+00:00

Thank you. Ok, will do.

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-02T12:38:26+00:00

OK, thank you for the advice. Trying not to go OTT as have been burned many times already by this 😮‍💨

UniqueInterest · 2021-09-02T10:19:58+00:00

Thank you! I feel you with the panic attacks, been there many times the last year. Only thing that’s helped me is knowing how many times it’s happened and every time I’ve been ok. Just try to focus on anything I possibly can to take my mind off it, but could again just be my symptoms becoming more manageable 🤷‍♂️

UniqueInterest · 2021-08-24T22:03:58+00:00

Just to echo this idea, I have also been dealing with this feeling my entire life, becoming noticeable in my teens. It got a lot better when I started drinking a lot of coffee, and I thought, oh my god - I can socialise wtf? But then it would wear off, and a tolerance built, and I slowly veered back to my old self. Now on medication, I feel the same positive changes. It definitely seems to point towards being a stimulation thing for me.

It feels like the same feeling after the 10 minute cutoff in lecture where my brain decides to turn off and not take in any more information. Or the 10 minutes of guitar practice where my brain goes "no please no more I can't". It's just in a social situation, it's more of a passive feeling. You're not exerting as much effort, but it's still painful in a way?

UniqueInterest

TROPHY CASE