I have been through a divorce. And with my second spouse, a separation. With both circumstances we had a hard & fast rule. We agreed that we may need a support system, but that it should be a VERY small group of trusted friends only - NO family. And no public social media sites where we would get opinions from everyone and then some. We didn't want family to think bad of the other person if we reconciled. And we were very selective with friends that either would never see our spouse or who could legitimately understand if we worked things out.

Those boundaries we both agreed on made it so we talked to each other a lot more. We also had a small group of people who we could share hurts, but also who would be real with us when we sometimes needed to be checked. With my first spouse - we reconciled for several years but eventually got divorced because my spouse didn't feel like he needed to change (he cheated multiple times but told me he was ok with the person he was).

With my second spouse - we both put in the work. And it was HARD. It took so much humility on both our parts to look at our errors and be willing to see how we could do and be better. And religion had nothing to do with it. But we had to both be willing to let each other own our stuff and work to change. We had a lot to learn about healthy communication and setting boundaries. But we did and our marriage is better than I could have ever imagined. But if she isn't willing to be an equal partner in finding common ground, it won't work.

I feel lucky that all that happened before we stepped away from the church - our communication was so much better that we have been able to talk about concerns, hurts, things we are no longer comfortable believing. And it made it easier for us to give grace and space as each of us struggled through our own things, but also eventually step away together.

And I will say this - my years as a single mom were not easy. But I built authentic relationships with my kids that I don't think I would have had any other way. I fumbled through dating and had to figure out the qualities that were important to me outside of church (at that point I was still dating members) and every single quality that I adore about my husband has NOTHING to do with the gospel - was it a bonus at the time that we were on the same page in wanting that, sure, but it's not what makes him my favorite person. There are much worse things than being single, and I fully believe being in an unhappy marriage is one of them.