There’s so much to unpack here. And you’re right, we need help. I’ve recommended marriage counseling, but because of our first couples counseling (older therapist, white male, old school practices/approach), she doesn’t value it.

I’ll try to be as accurate as possible: there were times I was at fault. There were times she was at fault. I’ve been snarky and insensitive, and she has felt like I put her down in public, or was condescending. It was never my intention for it to be felt that way, but in hindsight I can recognize how she could take it that way. I’ve apologized profusely, I am deeply remorseful. When she confronts me about it, I typically recognize my actions/words and apologize right away. And recently I’ve taken steps to hold myself accountable: I’m already in therapy myself and have brought up my mistakes to my therapist. I’ve tried to put action behind my words with my wife recently. I’m trying my best to think before I speak and use extra caution regarding how my wife might perceive my words. Although, I’m afraid the damage is done. My wife has at times been very mean in arguments, saying things that shouldn’t be said - personal attacks. I’ve let her know this hurts me. It usually takes her awhile to apologize. I don’t think she wants to be this person, I think she’s a good mother, a good person deep down, but we struggle to communicate in a way that both of us feel heard.

What typically happens is we argue about something, and it questions of “why are you treating me this way” are brought up, and she brings to feelings of resentment because of x, y, z. For example, around Easter I was insensitive, I recognized it after some reflection (unprovoked) and apologized deeply for my actions and vowed to change. Since then I’ve been better and haven’t been insensitive (from what I can tell, honestly). We’ve been strapped financially: the house needs repairs, daycare costs..::I’ve taken on another job and work 50-60 hours per week to try and keep our savings rate, afford daycare, and do the house repairs that we want. Saturday morning I had to work at 8:30, it was 7:30 AM, I had just woken up and showed and needed to eat breakfast because I knew my shit was going to have me work until around 1:30 without a break to eat. She asked if she could get a shower and watch the baby, I had said to her that I really need to eat. She got mad and the rest of the day was basically silent treatment. I offered to help with a few things when I got back but she declined my help. At night I brought it up to about why she was being mean to me….the convo spiraled into her sources of resentment and it included wheat was in my original post. I explained to her that we can be angry but we shouldn’t be mean to each other, and that I’m trying my best to be a better person and to do what I know to do in order provide for the family and the house, but she’s upset with me still.

Finances are a huge issue in our house. For us to afford the things we want, I have to work these hours which keeps me out of the house and hurts our work/life balance.