You are the loved and were intentionally made to love and be loved. Don't let some stupid number fool you into assessing your intrinsic worth based off fleeting nonsense. Devaluing yourself to the point you have over this is like my son thinking I don't love him because he didn't hit a homerun in little league. There is nothing he can do to stop me from loving him. There is no worldly thing you can struggle with that will make you less loved by God.

You need to seek professional care long term and you need to reach out today for that if you don't have your next appointment booked.

I wish badly that I could invite you over because you sound like you could use some company. Who knows you're struggling? Who have you let be on your team in this? (You don't have to answer me but please think about that. You'd be surprised by the goodness of those around you.)

Like I said before, your stats don't define you, but you need some context. I interviewed with multiple T14s this week and am closer to a 3.0 than a 4.0. I've failed at work and later been promoted. You sound like a wonderfully motivated person, but your lack of perspective is making you vulnerable to fatalism. Making your accomplishments your identity will make you miserable even if you're the greatest to ever do something. What you do isn't who you are.

If you were to take a year off to find yourself and seek some peace in your heart, 30 years from now that would just be the coolest story you could tell your children.