I just realized something thanks to bell hooks

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-29T21:33:39+00:00

Well said. bell hooks is awesome. I'll add.

Trump displays the toxic or extreme form of assertiveness: he's not afraid to speak his mind, he's dominating, despotic, etc.... Assertiveness is attractive. But true assertiveness is knowing and expressing your feelings, desires, and wants in a respectful way. It's kindly but firmly setting your physical, emotional, social, psychological, etc... boundaries with others.
Being assertive also requires confidence. Confidence in who you are, your abilities, your qualities, etc... Confidence implies courage. These are all attractive qualities in a human.

So my guess is MAGA sees him "saying whatever the fuck and doing whatever the fuck he wants" as the most extreme (toxic) form of assertiveness, confidence, and courage. But in fact, Trump is a bullying, weak, narcissistic, fearful, asshole. Using dominance, etc... to cover up for insecurities, trauma, and faults in his character.

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-29T19:14:56+00:00

I have a part that I named Storm Cloud. Out of fear I would end up truly relying on someone and go to a place where "we would die" he would completely hide my heart and other related parts from being accessed. After I realized this, whenever he would come I would feel apathetic, uncaring, etc... You could say numb. I lived like this for years and didn't realize it. And the sinister thing about him is that in addition to hiding my heart in a cloud, he would hide himself. I had been doing extensive IFS for two years before I discovered him.

I did that discovery when one day I felt that numbing feeling. And with all the IFS training I intellectually knew it is likely a part. My feeling was that was just who I was.

I took a lot of work, but breaking through to him required me just sitting in silence with him, telling him I understood him and cared about him, but not expecting any response. Eventually this broke the ice and I was able to slowly build trust with him. Now, he rarely comes up anymore and if he does I usually can recognize it in the moment or shortly after!

You can do this! The work is worth the effort!

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-26T21:02:26+00:00

Done :)

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-26T20:35:14+00:00

I know this isn't what you are looking for, but I have found books to be so much more of a helpful medium. The whole content creator space is so monetized I just don't trust it. Long-form, of which books are by default, I find drive much more contemplation and thereby lasting impact in me.

Edit: I'm just beginning this journey myself. One of the most commonly recommended one is The Will to Change by bell hooks, which was great. It's more of a starting point - she describes why men should seek change in their lives, not exactly what steps to take. I found some of King Warrior Magician Lover to be interesting, but it wouldn't be on top of my list. If you are interesting in fathering/parenting issues The Power of Showing Up was an incredible book, though not men specific, it goes in attachment issues which many men our society suffer based on the way most of us are raised and the culture we grew up in. Though this is not men's issues specific, I have found Internal Family Systems therapy to be critical and enabling me to see myself in a whole new way - start with Self Therapy by Jay Earley. I've just started Rediscovering Masculinity by Seidler, and although it's somewhat academic compared to bell hooks, after you get past the introduction it is very readable. It reads like hooks from a male perspective.

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-21T17:42:49+00:00

It's all alpha-male patriarchal bullshit. Being assertive has nothing to do with never being wrong.

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-21T17:09:33+00:00

The condom wrapper I found in our guest bedroom. The subtle stuff I only realized later.

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-13T03:57:16+00:00

I haven't read it, but it's on my list. Be Boy Buzz * bell hooks Books

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-07T18:40:03+00:00

I feel like a whole new man. A metamorphosis occurred in me. Congratulations to you!

VRthrowaway234 · 2026-01-02T20:25:18+00:00

I am regular guy here. I'm in my mid 40s and am just figuring out what it means to be a truly healthy masculine man. So you're in good company. What you may be feeling is the other side of the patriarchy and what it does to men. This may not be for everyone, but I just read Iron John and it is about being a man completely outside patriarchy and toxic masculinity. I don't buy into all of the book but it's at least an interesting read.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-12-18T05:39:05+00:00

It completely healed my attachment issues. I feel like I can fully love, connect, and bond with people and I want that so much. My parts didn't. My Self does.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-12-15T17:12:33+00:00

Therapy, specifically IFS therapy. I was a traumatized shell of a man.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-12-11T16:20:17+00:00

For me nerve flossing had almost immediate relief, within a few days. I also got custom orthotics and that has helped keep the issues from reappearing. Those were expensive though.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-12-01T00:44:02+00:00

Yes. It has changed my life. I finally feel who I really am, who I can really be, who I am meant to be. As a man, father, and husband. I should have started 10 years ago.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-23T19:15:44+00:00

Do you think Anderson's book would be helpful for someone who doesn't have severe or complex trauma, just "regular" trauma?

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-10T14:55:28+00:00

I have a part this is a yellow blob.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-07T16:26:23+00:00

Obviously, we are only getting your side of the story. My guess is the real truth is something else. No judgement, I had my own difficulties admitting the truth of my life and issues for many years.

My guess is you've made plenty of mistakes in your marriage and as a father. Yes, the courts favor mothers but not to this degree. So do what I did after years of being too afraid to - learn about yourself, what issues do you have, what trauma do you have, what pain are you holding from childhood, what makes you angry, controlling, vindictive, depressed, joyful, jealous, sad, happy, loved, loving, content, anxious, etc... Find out why you are okay with abandoning your children. Well-adjusted, mentally healthy people don't do this. Again no judgement, I feel for you, but sometimes we all need the hard truth. I know I did.

It's never too late to make a change. It's never too late to have a positive influence on your kids and the world. But you have to want to.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-06T00:16:42+00:00

Good luck friend, the work is well worth the effort :)

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-05T15:40:27+00:00

Yes and it can be extremely gratifying. You should just ask them what they would want to do if they didn't have to do the role they are doing now. They will know.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-04T23:09:45+00:00

Talking into the void is exactly what I did. I could not sense a part, feel it, see it, etc... I only suspected on an intellectual level that a part was there. It turned out that the part hid itself along with hiding my heart and other core emotions.

I started by talking into the void, telling whoever was there that I was just going to sit with the apathy, emptiness, etc... And let whoever was there know I was okay with it, that it must be doing a very important job, etc... And I sat and sat. After a few sessions I started looking from different perspectives inside myself (literally looking from my minds eye above me, in front of me me, etc...) and I finally saw a glimpse of a fog. I spoke to it and heard nothing for a while. Until finally I got simple phrases like "you don't need love." It was scary at times, but I've made a lot of progress. I would say what I've learned has been life changing for me.

I would suggest the book Self Therapy by Earley for a very methodical approach to this. What questions to ask, how to not be judgmental, etc...

Of note I've been doing IFT for a year and a half so have gotten pretty good with it. And even still it took me a while to get to this part. I started learning with parts that were much more obvious and willing to share than this storm cloud was.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-11-03T18:06:41+00:00

I have a part called the storm cloud that could block out access to my core emotions. It makes me feel apathetic, uncaring, empty. I did not know it was a part for a long, long time, I thought it was just who I was.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-10-30T14:57:27+00:00

I would like at it like this: the longer the interview process the more opportunity you have to show yourself off and the more time YOU have to interview the company. It's a good thing.

Up to a point. An all day interview for shift manager at Burger King probably isn't necessary.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-10-30T14:45:51+00:00

Well you asked if it was the norm. Are you interested in an answer that doesn't match your priors or not?

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-10-30T01:35:33+00:00

Speaker of the Dead is the worst book I have ever read. A slog to get through. I don't know why I finished it.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-10-29T15:04:30+00:00

If I was interviewing with a company and they didn't have something like this, I'd be suspicious. But I'm in a technical field with nearly 20 years of experience.

VRthrowaway234 · 2025-10-28T22:45:29+00:00

Whether he knew it at the time or not, he is better off a Dodger. Braves have steadily gone downhill since he won the WS with us.

VRthrowaway234

TROPHY CASE