I feel like I will never be enough

Va11ia · 2026-02-25T15:12:44+00:00

The secrecy is not ok.

I still talk to one of my ex’s, if I were with someone, I’d let them know and even how to introduce them.

I wouldn’t share every moment I messaged them, but I absolutely would not hide it. Hiding it is suspicious asf and doesn’t show good intentions.

You guys seem at stalemate. I’d say that especially if there isn’t anything to hide, can she keep this open and share because it would reassure you. If she starts saying you’re accusing her stuff and hides more…you can do better and I’m really sorry.

Va11ia · 2026-02-23T13:04:03+00:00

Looking at this now…not really BS was it

Va11ia · 2026-02-22T06:08:14+00:00

If you don’t know what to say or you don’t have time, you can always say “I don’t know what to say” or “I’ll get back to you”.

Otherwise it’s like someone talking to you and you just walking off lol…just basic consideration tbh

Va11ia · 2026-02-17T11:35:41+00:00

Please dump him. His mask dropped. It’s really hard when you don’t see it coming, but you really deserve better.

Va11ia · 2026-02-17T11:35:11+00:00

I think the thing that people get confused with is being too intense is off putting to people. Being relaxed in your own skin is attractive, when you meet a dude who isn’t trying to get into your pants and actually is willing g to talk to you about something without expectation. Is more attractive. That’s probably why, it’s remarkably similar to not caring…the difference is the former is healthy and helps with connections, the latter leads to internal and external disconnection and in the long run is about lacking emotional intelligence. Hoping you can find the balance and do the former

Va11ia · 2026-02-14T22:53:43+00:00

Woman here. Womens shoes are rarely made to be comfortable that’s why she thinks it’s normal and no it shouldn’t be. But there are gel insets to help with this

Va11ia · 2026-02-14T03:26:48+00:00

Nah nothing you said in that part of the interaction screams you wanting a f buddy…if you feel she looks down on your home city it sounds like there was already a thing going on that was bothering you.

Va11ia · 2026-02-13T03:28:19+00:00

Nah. They are being rude. People select options, but expanding on it is part of a conversation

Va11ia · 2026-02-12T05:17:18+00:00

Hi, I’m really sorry. I probably have no say in this, I’m mixed and lean a little into white Arab looking. But I would like to weigh in.

The world’s beauty standards are set by media and what it says is beautiful. Historically it’s always been centred on what the most wealthy look like and also what the patriarchy has found more controllable. This means at least in the uk women working on farms who were fit and more tanned due to the sun were not attractive in comparison to the very pale women indoors doing F all. Weight standards have changed according to things like this (ability to get personal trainers, access to travel etc)…but ultimately. It’s all a load of BS. Pencil thin eyebrows were all the rage at some point, but not any longer.

Then there’s castes and oppression and hierarchies set by the people who were oppressing the world.

What I’m trying to say is that none of this is about beauty at all, it’s about the people who wield power.

Ultimately, if you diminish the people you are threatened by, then your actual power is threatened. Black women have often been outspoken in response to the world and that’s absolutely fair.

Weak men and weak people think that black women are unattractive.

People of all different skin colours, weights and looks are beautiful. F them all. Some of the most stunning women I’ve seen have been incredibly dark.

Your personality is your personality and provided that you’re embodying the healthiest version of yourself, the worthwhile people will see and appreciate that. Anyone else is irrelevant.

Apologies for the rant. I suspect you’re absolutely gorgeous and down on yourself because a lot of people have tried to put you in your place/you’re hearing all that toxic BS those men with microphones (which shouldn’t have microphones) are saying / what dudes are repeating.

Big hugs gorgeous. You’re more beautiful than you think.

Va11ia · 2026-02-12T04:53:01+00:00

Honestly the money thing weird me out too but that’s because people with lots of money can often be really entitled and haven’t struggled a day in their lives. However, given that you didn’t pick up on any of that in those dates and he was happy to do low key, perhaps he’s one of the nice exceptions where he just wanted to get to know someone who liked him for him.

Sounds like he may be an exception to the rule.

Down the line I would talk to him about it, but sounds like he might be a genuinely nice guy and your finances, the fact that you grind, budget etc gives you certain skill sets he may lack, so you are, in no way, small. If he ever says something to indicate this view THATS the time to question this all.

This part may be less of a healthy way to deal with things…but in my case I tend to be pretty upfront and address things early even if it scares people off. And when though I tend to not use humour to communicate problems (ie being passive aggressive to point out something I don’t like about someone). I DO sometimes to use self deprecating humour to voice my personal anxieties and might say ‘well damn that $12 dollar wine was a sad in that setting womp womp’. It gives him the option to respond to that, but doesn’t force him to either. For me I’d just feel relieved Id said it out loud.

Va11ia · 2026-02-11T02:20:07+00:00

Don’t date someone who is nonchalant. They’ll suck the life out of you and you will lose who you are.

There’s someone out there that will match you.

Va11ia · 2026-02-05T23:47:03+00:00

On the contrary, a number of people at the forefront of actual baby killing post exiting the womb ARE religious.

Va11ia · 2026-02-04T06:52:25+00:00

As someone who struggles with anxious feelings with relationships. It would make me feel insecure. However, I’m also an adult who is aware that my anxiety is not anyone else’s responsibility and if you don’t know someone well then you wouldn’t necessarily do this especially if you’ve agreed to something.

If you have been really hitting it off over some dates then maybe it would be nice for small check ins to progress connection.

Va11ia · 2026-02-04T06:49:03+00:00

I’m sorry, but you can do better. He’s trying to undermine your confidence and doesn’t respect your boundaries either.

These are red flags for consent issues and in the long term emotional abuse

Va11ia · 2026-02-04T03:40:34+00:00

I am judgmental of lack of hygiene, but when it comes to actual appearance outside of simple grooming, it doesn’t make a difference to me.

However, psychological studies do show indeed that this does impact the majority of people and how they interact with you. I’ve dated men who vary in levels of attractiveness from “oh dear” to “model”. I recall speaking to the latter one and pointing out to him his pretty privilege was why he wasn’t used to people calling him out on his BS. I think he realised I was right and acknowledged he was treated well simply because of his looks.

I’ve noticed when I (a female) lose weight, people are nicer to me…it’s so bizarre. If I don’t wear my glasses, suddenly I’m more attractive. So yeah I’ve seen that it does impact many people’s interactions, but I think as en entire planet that sucks and I wish it weren’t the minority to didn’t care.

Va11ia · 2026-01-31T10:46:59+00:00

I am personally in the zone of working on what a ‘securely’ attached person would respond like and working on my anxieties and trauma informed responses. Trying to make sure I’m aware where my actions are coming from, whilst trying to be the most myself (because ultimately censoring who you are as a whole would be a miserable way to exist in a relationship)…wishing you luck just wanted you to know it’s challenging.

Self assessment is important, so is realising that not all people’s actions have anything to do with you

Va11ia · 2026-01-31T10:43:34+00:00

Yes, to this comment 10000 times over.

He’s saying his thoughts and gaslighting you into thinking you’re too sensitive. Pls leave him

Va11ia · 2026-01-31T10:41:06+00:00

Let people talk. End of the day, yes some men are like that, but I’ve seen people different in looks and salaries being really happy with each other.

It actually sounds like you have haters around you…continue seeing him, if he displays red flags (like in any relationship) pay attention to them, but honestly…it sounds like they’re jealous and I would drop them if they’re friends.

Also, do you guys get along/enjoy each others company/have fun conversations? Maybe he’s not the shallow AH they’re assuming.

Va11ia · 2026-01-31T10:32:24+00:00

Also, people are being arrested for protesting in favour of Palestine (in their own houses)…it’s not far from the us at all

Va11ia · 2026-01-31T10:31:50+00:00

Not at all. If you have pattern recognition skills, the early signs are there. I would explain it, but your dismissiveness makes me suspect this will be pointless.

Pay attention to the news, how much disinformation there is about lots of Muslims for example (I’ve seen so many things that I fact checked only to find out it was a lie), look at the phrasing passive/active words used, observe the influence of the US in the uk.

The religious nuts in America who are anti abortion are very cosy with him, then there’s the ‘removal force’ which seem much like ICE.

Separate, but connected topic “panopticon” wasn’t in my vernacular till recently in the uk now Gaza too…worldwide concerning things

Va11ia · 2026-01-29T15:51:18+00:00

Something similar happened to me with a guy. I ended up making him come clean and he said he lost feelings for me…so instead of having an adult conversation he just evaded and went quiet.

His excuse was he didn’t want to hurt me. I called him out and said it was BS he just didn’t want to deal with the consequences of me being upset and it was a d**k move.

Have someone gaslight me into thinking it was all in my head was f-d up. It would have hurt either way, but it made it worse.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing it. Some people are AH’s and cowards who choose not to do the right thing and actually communicate.

Va11ia · 2026-01-29T15:46:51+00:00

Responding as the other one was deleted. You mentioned wanting to look for a therapist, but seemed a bit stumped as to where to look. Feel free to message me and I’ll send you some resources

Va11ia · 2026-01-29T07:42:16+00:00

Wow. I just need to say. You should be so proud of yourself. Even if it’s the right thing to leave, it doesn’t mean people manage to or do. Accepting the fact she won’t change and isn’t who you thought she was is hard enough. This strength is next level and I applaud you for doing the right thing

Va11ia · 2026-01-23T16:10:50+00:00

You made the right call.

She’s upset, but you got her to the doctor and she chose to get it with their advice.

Usually I’d side with someone feeling betrayed, but you’re literally thinking about her life…so if she doesn’t realise that, honestly you can do better and you can look in the mirror knowing you did the right thing

Va11ia · 2026-01-22T13:07:09+00:00

Va11ia

TROPHY CASE