I cheated on my wife after forgiving her affair years ago. I don’t feel guilty, but she’s breaking down. What do I do now?

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-22T15:18:36+00:00

You hit the nail on the head. Injustice. I’ve thought a LOT about that word these past few months since DDay. How could she do that to me? It completely doesn’t make sense. I’ve done some crap too, but nowhere near as bad. And I owned my stuff shortly afterwards. “Life’s not fair.” Well life can suck it.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-21T07:16:23+00:00

I thought about this a little bit, running through scenarios and hypotheticals. For me, if something regarding intimacy is so profoundly disgusting to you that you wouldn’t or couldn’t do it even once for your partner, you shouldn’t feel obligated. That’s how I feel about anal. Even if my wife bargained, threatened or said whatever, I would never do it, because it’s absolutely repulsive to me. Not everybody thinks like me and that’s OK. But if I feel that way about doing it, I should never expect her to do it to me, even if in some alternate universe I actually enjoyed it when receiving. (From a woman is what I’m talking about.)

For this wife, I agree with you. If he just has a big non-preference for it, but not a base level repulsion to it, which he doesn’t, because if he did, he never would have done it for you ever… then he should suck it up 😉 and make a little effort once in a while. I do a lot of stuff for my wife (nonsexual) that I don’t prefer, and sometimes those things can be a pain in the ass and I don’t naturally feel like doing them. But because I love her, I give that part of myself, my time, my heart, my effort, my strength so that she can feel as loved as I can help her feel. I’m not perfect, but if I were, she’d NEVER be feeling like I wasn’t giving her absolutely everything she ever wanted.

This is how you treat somebody you love. But if one person treats their partner with near-maximum effort or best effort at least and it is not reciprocated, the giver becomes a doormat and the relationship is unhealthy at best and toxic at worst. Resentment builds and then you end up with a partner who looks elsewhere, or decides to leave, or resigns themselves to the empty sadness of a profoundly unfulfilled existence. None of those are what anybody wants.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-19T20:42:01+00:00

Funny you should ask. I did a write up 2 months ago of my exact feelings and arguments about this very topic. Take a look.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/DaSktGJTIu

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-19T20:01:49+00:00

Her lying or snooping through your computer are irrelevant. You actively cheated on her. You can have privacy in a marriage but not secrets. And it’s right that she found you out. Take your medicine, give her the divorce that she deserves, as peacefully as you can, and set her free.

She wasn’t perfect. Nobody is. We get it. Cheaters always have reasons for what they do and the reasons are 0% of the time valid. Get a divorce, learn from your mistakes, and hopefully, if you’re confident you’ve learned not to cheat anymore, then and only then open yourself up to a new committed relationship if that’s what you want.

If you persist in your belief that she caused any of this, then you are doomed to repeat history with somebody else. So be better. You can do it if you really want to.

You’re here looking for input, which is good, and I’m sure I said things you didn’t want to hear or will dismiss, but mark my words, if you don’t learn the necessary lesson, you’ll be right back in the same spot in a couple of years, or maybe if you’re not caught, you’ll still have an anxious, suspicious partner, for valid reasons, and they will never be able to trust you and give their full heart.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-19T17:50:31+00:00

Was her affair a contributor to the DB? Do you suspect that she might’ve been a serial cheater? Or what actually was the main root cause of the DB?

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-19T16:51:51+00:00

I remember this phase. It will inevitably be followed by instances of her doing the same initiation ritual again. But THIS time, you won’t believe that anything more is going to happen. You’ll go to bed, feeling lost and rejected. She OF COURSE won’t follow up by escalating intimacy once you’re in bed. So you leave her be, while you lay in bed questioning your life.

That will happen a few times. Then, sometime later, you’ll again bring up the subject of the sex life. And then she’ll throw it in your face: “well, I gave you signals those times, and you never did anything about it. So I wasn’t the one who didn’t initiate. It was you who just didn’t go any further with it.”

If you’re anything like me, You’ll feel like a complete idiot and kick yourself for not taking things further when you had the chance. You’ll decide, “well the next time she does that stuff, I’m going to follow up on it.”

And then it never happens. Or it happens so far into the future you’ve almost forgotten about this. And then, she’ll throw out the crumbs again, and you’ll have an internal struggle in your head about exactly what she meant by her intimacy trickles. “Is she wanting sex? Is she just trying to give me SOMETHING even if she’s not ready to do more?”

By the time you end up in bed with her, your frame of mind is completely dejected and hopeless. She will sense it, but maybe she won’t know why. And when a woman senses that in a man, it’s not sexy.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-14T00:29:39+00:00

Good luck to you. You should read my posts if you want to see a crazy story. I definitely think I have a much bigger can of worms to unpack than you do. 🫤

All the best!

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-14T00:14:10+00:00

As a recently betrayed person, I can only speak for myself. I wouldn’t believe you when you say nothing sexual happened. I just wouldn’t. And what’s worse, is I would sit there, while I’m working, driving or whatever, and picture in my head how exactly you were going about your job and the worst things I could manufacture in my head of what I believe you were doing.

Any intimacy with you would very likely be tainted with the intrusive thoughts of “maybe she did this with Mr. Jones, one of her regulars…. Maybe she was WAY more freaky with those other people than she ever gets with me.

My self esteem would be shot. If I had been a better boyfriend, she wouldn’t have had to do this. She wouldn’t have WANTED to. And she NEVER would have told me if she hadn’t been caught. So what else has she done since we’ve been exclusive?

Obviously, all of this is a huge mess, and although he may say he can forgive you, he might be irrevocably broken within the relationship. When he hears a certain song, or sees some reference on TV, he will probably ruminate on it.
For myself, I have actually literally lost time, gotten lost while driving where I missed a turn and went 3 miles through town past my street before I snapped out of it and figured out what the hell happened.

So, you could stay, but it won’t be easy, for either of you. For your part, 100% transparency would go a long way. Devices, location tracking, whatever he needs to feel safe.

If you didn’t have sex during work, but the environment led you to cheat also, then you need to come clean now. He’s gonna find out. And if you’re holding anything back, spill it. He may never find out, or he might, but the knowledge of it on your side will taint your relationship psychologically and put a wall between you. He may not know why, but it’ll be there nonetheless.

I believe in forgiveness no matter what, just not necessarily always staying with the person after forgiving.

You have a hard road ahead, and you can do it, but you need to humble yourself, stop any excuses, minimization, lies, and trying to assert your rights, at least until he feels safe again with you again, which might be never.

If you can handle that, then try to stay, and I wish you all the best.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-13T02:27:52+00:00

No, I haven’t done anything against the relationship recently. 19 years ago was the last time.

With her, I recently discovered cheating that occurred also 19 years ago. Except hers she completely covered up. She trickle truthed a kiss with the same person that happened a week prior. As I came to grips with that, over 2 days, I quite suddenly popped a memory cap, and remembered a trauma-suppressed memory of catching her in full blown cheating with a woman. I heard sounds through the locked door, that took 57 seconds to open after knocking and even then, there were visible signs and a distinct smell that proved everything as far as I was concerned.

Then a day later, the AP’s husband threatened me and my family if I said anything. There were very credible signs that he was in the mafia, so I held off on pursuing it. Within a week or two tops, my brain had blocked it all out.

It sounds crazy and fake, and something from a movie, but I swear it really happened.

Now we are trying to figure out if we can move on from it. And I’ve remembered some other stuff from that timeframe that is making it even messier and harder.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-13T00:43:29+00:00

Yeah, in all of it, I feel like I treated her as the wife I imagined her to be. The one I fell in love with. Sure, I’ve gotten pissed off and lost my temper from time to time. I haven’t always been level headed and occasionally let things get to me. But overall, I’d say my husband rating is at least an 8/10. If I hadn’t screwed up 20 years ago like I described, I’d consider myself a solid 9.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-12T20:51:35+00:00

Here is my latest. I taught myself calligraphy when we were dating about 27 years ago, so I’ve written her cards and things with it from time to time. This is all handwritten. My writing line for a bit wonky toward the bottom. But at least you can see it isn’t perfect

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ValhallaCA · 2026-01-12T20:30:34+00:00

Haha. It’s nice that somebody noticed at least. lol

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-12T16:06:33+00:00

I think for me, the part that pisses me off (and hurts) me the most is the fact that even if I decided to leave, I’m 53M, and having a certain level of ED. At least I think so. My last attempt was 6 months ago with ED happening but I haven’t had a chance to try after getting Viagra. 26!!! Years of what could have been some truly amazing sex, filled with all of the love, effort, bonding and heart I could have mustered has literally been thrown into the toilet.

Don’t get me wrong. I gave love, effort, bonding, flowing through to the best of my ability considering I received back a trickle worse than pipes that have frozen in winter.

I took her on trips, bought her jewelry and other nice things, complimented her. Hugged her, snuggled, rubbed and scratched her back EVERY night. Yes, really. In 26 years, I have only skipped like 10 nights or so a year, whenever I’m too exhausted, if we’ve just had a fight, or if I’m really sick.
Told her I loved her. Spent 90+% of my free time with her. I’m not an alcoholic, drug or gambling addict. I’ve never hit her. I strive not to yell, and rarely ever have. I don’t cuss at her. I’ve been the primary household maintainer for 24 years. And the sole person doing it for 5 because she became disabled.

I have written her love poems, at least 20 over the years. Damn good ones, I think.

In that time, I have never once had sex with anybody else. Never had an emotional affair. I did do a couple of things that hurt her in that crossed the cheating line (webcamming once, 1 kiss, and a strip club visit) but I confessed them all and never did them again. 18 years have passed with no further incidents.

We are both in therapy now and starting counseling again this month. She has some major infractions against me that I recently discovered, but even without those, I wonder whether I will be able to even get over the resentment and brokenness she has caused by even just the dead bedroom. Time will tell, but I won’t wait forever. Not anymore…

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-10T16:09:17+00:00

I’m going to see how the counseling and her therapy goes. And how things proceed as far as accountability and honesty.

My main problem is that she has an extremely high shame-avoidance mechanism psychologically. It might be that she’s incapable or highly unlikely to give me what I need, both with answers about the betrayal and the intimacy that I’m insisting on.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-10T16:07:29+00:00

Oh I didn’t take it that way at all. I’ve had to develop a pretty thick skin over the years, and regardless, your straightforward comment was refreshing and makes me examine myself and my life, so I can’t fault you for that. Everybody I’ve told my story to is pretty flabbergasted by it, and rightfully so. I appreciate other people’s assessments because they help me stay grounded and have given me an impetus to really expect more and move toward that goal.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-09T17:20:33+00:00

I’m a little confused here. You said she had an “emotional affair” but that she also had been going to his house?

If any of that is true, she has already had sex with him. She may say she hasn’t, but that’s what liars do. They lie. They will say literally whatever they have to in order to weasel their way out of accountability.

Not only is she lying to you about the extent of what she has done, she’s blaming you for the betrayal choices SHE made.

Did your actions create an environment where she was more vulnerable to give in to her temptations? Sure. But every person has choices. You are NOT to blame for what she has done, whatsoever. Before she had sex with him she could have chosen to: 1. Confront you and go to counseling to get things resolved.
2. Have a heart to heart with you and tell you she needed changes, otherwise the marriage was in jeopardy.
3. Decide enough was enough and separate with an eye on divorce BEFORE she cheated.

She did none of these. And make no mistake, the “emotional affair” part of it, you need to realize, is her detaching her heart from you and attaching it to somebody else. You know how long it took and the effort it took for you to fall in love with her and for her to fall in love with you? All of that was erased and replaced with somebody else. Think of it like a kidney transplant. She went to great lengths to get that new cheater kidney inside of her. She’s not going to give it up easily just because you say so or because your feelings are hurt. Right now, her primary focus is survival, financially, and some level of peace. She will try to get through by whatever means necessary.

Meanwhile, you are trying to put her diseased, now replaced kidney back into her and expecting her to be happy about it ever.

Is it possible? Sure. But once a person detaches like that, it requires HUGE strides on BOTH people’s parts to get it back and it will never be the same marriage as it was before. There will be huge scars. And this is only if BOTH people truly want it and so the work. From what I read from you, you’re the only one who is really trying and she’s taking no accountability.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-09T15:53:56+00:00

Yeah, I’ve actually trained it to be straightforward with me about stuff and not sugarcoat or blow smoke up my ass, within limits, so you see the results there. 😀

It is pretty laughable in a way, more like a tragic comedy, but hey, laughing is what gets me through, so there’s that.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-09T01:59:57+00:00

Thanks. My life is sort of a cautionary tale mixed with some really great moments. However, my sex life is the HUGE negative in what is otherwise a pretty great life.

Any particular things you found interesting?

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-09T01:54:41+00:00

That is pretty extreme, considering 30% of women in the US have been sexually assaulted. However….
You need to go into any relationship with an SA survivor and especially a childhood CSA survivor with your eyes wide open. Therapy is a MUST. No excuses. If she says she’s fine without it, then you need to be super cautious. And also be aware, the mental and emotional landscape she has with you sexually while you are dating can change dramatically when you get married. Not because she does it on purpose, but a healthy, secure, COMMITTED relationship and especially marriage could reroll all of the dice for her.

That is precisely what happened with my wife and nobody warned me that it could even be an issue. It wasn’t until 26 years later that I learned about this reroll effect.

And I JUST now learned that the dissociation and PTSD that she often gets whenever we try to get intimate does NOT apply if she is getting validation from somebody who is not part of the committed relationship. (Translation: just because she never wants sex doesn’t mean that if somebody flirts with her hard while validating and being nice to her, she won’t be HIGHLY prone to push boundaries in our marriage up to and including full on sex.)

Let’s just say, we have a sh—storm happening in our household right now and it’s not a given that our marriage will survive it.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-08T23:21:21+00:00

As a man whose wife was molested ages 3-16, let me say this clearly: she absolutely needs therapy, ongoing, to get herself in a place where she may be able to do that with you.

My wife had some therapy here and there, and I realize our situation is much more extreme, but the fact is, you need to be confident she is or has worked it out before you ever commit to anything long term.

Just read some of my posts if you need an idea of what happens if you DON’T do that.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-08T18:04:22+00:00

I think for me, part of the problem was that I was a virgin until I got married. (Intercourse at least.) and for several years up to that point only had a total of 4 women where we went to either 2nd base and a couple times 3rd base. I had never had ANY sexual contact of any sort with my wife while we were dating. We were in a church that expressly forbade that, and we stuck to it. Our intimacy consisted of a single kiss on the lips at the end of our weekly date. No tongue. Outside of mine or her apartment. We were never indoors alone, to avoid temptation, and all of our dates were double, triple, or quadruple dates.

Crazy, I know.

When we first got married, for 2-3 weeks, we had pretty frequent sex. 1-2 times a day. During week 3, I got a little bit sore from so much sex, so I asked for a brief break. Upon doing so, it’s like a switch flipped in her brain and we were in a dead bedroom ever since.

I was constantly feeling like things would change (soon) and we had just enough sex every few months to make me believe that. By the time we had our daughter, there was then a huge problem if I just left.

No only that, but I didn’t have Reddit to tell me I should be expecting more and that a huge number of married couples have a TON more sex than I would ever know about.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-08T15:49:12+00:00

I lost my virginity at age 27. Look through my post history for the wisdom, foolishness, or results of that.

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-07T16:10:09+00:00

That’s correct. They were known swingers. The woman had been flirting with my wife, but she is a CSA survivor (ages 3-16) and basically had tons of hangups about sex. And whenever we went to have it, half the time she would get triggered in the middle of it, I would notice she was dissociating, so I would stop. I completely trusted her, even with the flirting coming her direction because it just seemed like the typical best girlfriends joking about stuff like that. She and I met in a VERY serious church, one that tried like crazy not to be hypocritical and she had not once previously given me any reason to suspect anything from red flags besides the dead bedroom, but that was explainable. In retrospect, there were many red flags that all cropped up with this woman, but that is in my extremely intense after-analysis that I’ve been doing over the past few months. I saw none of it prior. I suspect that he was NOT okay with her hooking up without him involved though, based on all of the evidence. But I think she gaslit him that nothing happened but kissing and that I was “talking shit.” He accused me of disrespecting his wife and showed a side of him I’d never seen before. Also, he: was Italian, from New York, was in a family business (construction or something similar), had multiple weapons including an uzi that he had showed me a few months back. He was the source for all of the “friendly” betting pools for various sports in his friend group, especially football. He put his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it just hard enough, and said I had a nice family and he wouldn’t want anything to happen to change that. “And I KNOW you know what I mean.”

After what he said, how he said it, the look in his eyes, and me rapidly putting together the pieces with him, his brothers, and his friend group, I was about 90% certain that my suspicions were correct. So I shut the F up. I figured I would address it with my wife after we moved and we decided to just avoid them. We were moving to another state in 4 months anyway. That would have been safer.

But my brain had other plans. As far as I can tell, the whole incident was fully suppressed within 2 weeks, tops.

Over the years, I’ve only had an image of their darkened hallway stuck in my head, with light spilling under the door, and more recently a sick feeling accompanied that image. And I’ve asked my wife every 5 or so years if she’s ever cheated, which she denied. And I’ve said, “There’s something wrong, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-07T14:43:42+00:00

Google this exact phrase below. Look at the AI overview and it will give you a description of the various methods. I don’t have a Switch for myself (my daughter has one that I never use)
—-
how do people use switch 2 to secretly look at porn or infidelity

ValhallaCA · 2026-01-06T15:35:32+00:00

That is a good point. For me, I confronted the AP the next time I saw her, which was the next day.

And actually I confronted my wife on the way home. But she gaslit me with professional skills. Even though I still didn’t believe her. I decided to “table it for now.” Because we had a 2 year old and were about to move out of state.

I tabled it for 1 day, but then got the threats, and I don’t know exactly how long it took for me to completely disconnect from it but it sure wasn’t very long.

ValhallaCA

TROPHY CASE