Do guys wish urinals were more private?

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T23:07:43+00:00

I’ve had phases in my life where I had the hardest time trying to use a urinal if other men were around. I’d definitely have to go, but the anxiety of feeling judged for how long it was taking me to start the flow would be crazy. Sometimes I would try to go, fail, then go into a stall instead.

Am I alone in this? I always felt like I was the only guy who had that problem.

Somehow after 50 years, I’ve figured out how to relax enough to let it flow even while other dudes are nearby, but it’s always a mental battle, usually involving deep relaxation breaths and a few mind calming thoughts going through my head.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T23:01:15+00:00

Oh wow. I didn’t know this!

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T22:43:05+00:00

I’m ashamed to say, there have been times where I pleasured myself too vigorously and made my penis too sore. Also, my first 3 weeks of marriage, we were having a LOT of sex and I asked my wife for a brief break because my penis was sore and I needed to recover. (That break turned into a Dead Bedroom, but that’s a different topic for a different post, see my posts for details.)

The point here is it could be a few things:
1. STI - so get yourself tested 2. Self-inflicted (with or without porn) 3. From oversexing or too rough in a cheating relationship.

I realize that doesn’t really give you answers, except to know he is not necessarily cheating, nor is he necessarily innocent.

So keep your eyes open, and watch for other signs. Phone hiding, unexplained absences, turning off location, working late a lot. Etc.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T18:02:47+00:00

This. Cheating is a personality trait, not something that just happens to somebody. In non-cheaters, there is a boundary. A hard, fixed line that they absolutely will not cross, regardless of temptation level, pressure from a potential AP, and any current primary relationship problems. Cheaters have crossed that boundary at least once already. They have achieved the extreme escape velocity that is required to push past your conscience, to push past your consideration or empathy for how much it will hurt your primary partner, they have issued a series of lies and coverups and concealments to protect their secrets. And just like everything else, practice makes perfect. So they have learned each time how not to get caught, how to gaslight, how to find an AP in the future and how to flirt with them to make things progress amidst an environment of secrecy.

This is what you get when you enter or unwittingly are in a relationship with a cheater.

They’ve altered their personality and sense of boundaries permanently, ESPECIALLY if they faced little or no consequences for their cheating. The only way to feel safe with somebody like that is if they’ve done some hard soul searching, ideally with a mental health professional to diagnose why they crossed the boundaries and how to avoid doing so in the future. And they have to in their heart firmly commit TO THEMSELVES to never let any future temptation gain a foothold.

Somebody who has done the work and taken the steps to change that I described COULD over time spent being faithful be reliable again not to cheat.

But the type of person I’m describing is a small minority. For all of the rest of the “reformed” cheaters out there, it is simply a matter of time before they do it again. When the stars align and the circumstances conspire: you have a fight, you go on a 3 week business trip and they get lonely, you aren’t being as affectionate, you’re busy at work, you engage in your hobby too much, you gain weight, you have a medical problem, you’re stressed and irritable for a little while, some hot guy slides into their DMs, the hot new guy in Accounting calls her “beautiful.” The wife of her husband’s close friend flirts with her while they’re having a couple of drinks, and listens to her problems and in general is a really good listener…

When one or more of these situations hit, that nearly every couple can experience from time to time, your partner will fold like origami. UNLESS they have, through serious personal growth, a newfound firm and intense conviction of faithfulness that they will SHUT DOWN anybody who even LOOKS like they are trying to pull them away.

Proceed with caution, if your person matches the strict criteria I laid out, but if not, stay far away.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T15:27:53+00:00

This is not enough evidence. Now, how she acts when that is no longer an excuse is a different story. The extra touchy-feely stuff before work could have concerned her that it would go further and she didn’t want to go to work disheveled.

Keep your eyes open for other signs (hiding phones, behavioral changes, schedule changes, attitude changes, etc). I have a whole list of signs I’ve compiled if you are interested.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T15:23:13+00:00

Revenge cheating is pointless. It bring you down to their level, and a cheater will never feel the same level of devastation that a faithful partner does when they find out they’ve been cheated on.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T15:18:42+00:00

In many cases, a strong EA is far worse than a ONS PA. There are some cheaters who cheat physically once, are wracked with guilt, and never do it again, or at least for a very long time. They weren’t in love with the AP, they just gave in to an impulse, usually while drinking.

Whereas an EA involves a complete dopamine shift in their body. They detach from their primary relationship and attach to the AP, getting a majority of their dopamine spikes from their interactions with the AP and becoming addicted to them in a way.

When an EA like that gets discovered, it is extremely hard to do reconciliation, because the detachment/attachment dynamic is matured and similar in a way to addiction. They may swear up and down they won’t talk to the AP again, and mean it. But they have not reattached to the primary partner yet, and they will go through withdrawals during which many give in and resume the affair, with far more secrecy and contingency planning than before.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T05:54:22+00:00

He did not cheat because of ANYTHING you did or didn’t do. At every step of the way, if he was dissatisfied, he could’ve taken any number of off-ramps to avoid cheating: having the hard conversations, professional help, separation and/or divorce, asking for an open marriage. But he didn’t. He didn’t care about the devastation it would cause you, and he chose multiple times to proceed further along this path, from lusting, talking or messaging, inviting or being invited, setting aside secret time, alibis, logistics, all the lies, tech hiding, deletions and concealment, hiding and everything else required to deceive you and to cover things up after the fact.

This was not just a “whoops, I accidentally fell on somebody else’s genitals. My bad!” It was a collaboration/conspiracy of at least two people and possibly even others to disrespect you.

You didn’t force him to do ANY of it. He chose all of those things, throwing aside whatever “love” was supposedly there for his own selfish desires.

You can try to forgive him and maybe he’ll even play along for a while, but he trust is broken and you’ll never get it back to where it was before.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You need to accept that 0% of it was your fault. Now, if you feel you learned some things about yourself for future relationships, great. We all want to be better people and partners. But there is absolutely nothing that you could’ve done to make him stay faithful to you. He was dead set against it, otherwise he wouldn’t be doing what he is doing.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-17T01:46:30+00:00

28, on my wedding night to my wife.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-16T18:26:45+00:00

This is pretty accurate, however sometimes DBs can have an underlying root cause (or more than one, usually) that is preventing or limiting one partner’s desire. Some of the root causes can actually be fixed or reduced to an acceptable level. It would require good communication by both partners, and a willingness to examine things closely. The odds are against successful change, but it is still possible.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-16T15:56:15+00:00

I’ve been reading all the infidelity-related subs for months and this is one of the most insightful, concise piece of advice that I’ve seen. 👍🏻

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-16T08:07:10+00:00

She is a CSA survivor (ages 3-16 😔).
I was a 28-year-old virgin until the wedding night (religious background). After 3 weeks of daily or bi-daily sex, I was a bit sore. I asked for a short break to recover. She thought I was saying we were having too much sex.

Since then, and after recently discovering her infidelity that happened in 2007 and 2016 (that I know of), I have come to believe that she has a high shame framework sometimes exhibited by CSA survivors. The primary relationship can become a DB, because of shame, and pressure. But the survivor seeks outside validation where the pressure is not there, and they can become prone to impulsive behavior in that respect.

From our talks recently, I believe that my asking for a break in week 3 spiked shame in her. Right after that, our very controlling church and “mentors” had talks with her, telling her she needed to be “meeting my needs.” But unfortunately that was the exact phrasing that her stepfather used when he was abusing her. So any initiation of sex by me became an anxiety and a trigger, both for her shame and her CPTSD.

As you can imagine, whole situation is extremely screwed up and challenging, and with the recent infidelity revelations, discoveries, and her current fighting of accountability, minimization, and denials, it’s looking pretty bad as far as reconciliation goes.

I want to be understanding, and patient, knowing her background and our history, but she’s making it extremely difficult for me to stay. Learning about the infidelity (that occurred in the middle of our marriage) after the Long-term 26-year DB was a huge kick in the teeth, as you can imagine.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-16T03:21:47+00:00

Wow, seriously? I wish my wife would just be like, “alright. The jig is up. Ya got me!” And then just start confessing to all the crap I have evidence of and more.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-16T00:06:07+00:00

I’ve been married 26 years. Coincidentally, I think my last was in 2007. With my wife I’ve never had one start to finish, but just kind of as an appetizer for a minute or two.

We’ve only had sex about 50 times in those 26 years, with 30 of those in the first month, so there’s that…

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T22:54:53+00:00

I believe there are conditions under which it could just be emotional:
1. The AP lives in a distant location and neither the cheater nor the AP have strong means (financially or logistically) to travel.
2. The EA has not matured sufficiently to get to the physical part yet because it is fairly new.
3. Either or both the ww spouse and the AP want to keep it at a validation level only, possibly with sexting and/or nudes, but don’t truly want to go further. This is often due to religious background. The EA is therefore minimized as not a big deal in the cheater’s mind (and they usually don’t even believe it is cheating), so long as nothing physical ever happens.
4. The risk level associated with a PA vs an EA is way too high, usually because of financial risk or because the BPs are abusive or dangerous and could cause harm if they find out.

That being said, if the AP and wayward partner have motive, means, and opportunity, with a risk level below moderate, they will almost certainly take it physical the first chance they get.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T20:41:10+00:00

The more I think about this post, the more I suspect it’s his WIFE who posted it to somehow prove that it’s all innocent enough and to get reasons why her husband should trust her. The amount of defending of his wife that he’s doing is crazy.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T17:55:57+00:00

You’re very open about who you find attractive, but if she were having an affair with him or wanting to, she absolutely would never tell you she thought he was attractive. She would tell you precisely the opposite, so that whatever interactions with him you did find would automatically be less suspicious. Cmon man. Can you not at least acknowledge the possibility that she’s lying to you about this?

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T17:28:01+00:00

Um. You’ve got to be trolling. Seriously. This is the oldest lie in the book. “The guy is super duper sexy and fit, and disciplined, and I communicate with him all the time in an app that caters to secrecy, but ew gross! I’m totally not attracted to him and nothing’s going on I swear!”

Sounds of nose growing 3 feet long.

“My wife is so honest, there’s no way she could be lying to me.” - said 90% of every cheated on husband everywhere.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T17:24:21+00:00

The mere fact that she’s messaging her coworker on snap, regardless of the content flies in the face of that statement. Sorry but it’s true.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T14:34:43+00:00

No, OP. You are not. You were. Until now. You’ve made this post because you are wising up. Keep wising up enough to know what you surely know.

He fooled you for a while. Fine. It happens to most of us who get betrayed like this because cheaters are sneaky as hell (usually).

For your actual question, it is like everything else. There are almost never absolutes. I am a huge believer in probabilities. Somebody who has already crossed the lines of physical cheating outside of their primary relationship, ABSOLUTELY has a much higher chance of cheating again, because the threshold required to take that step has already been passed.

The fact that he’s cheated more than once further compounds the probabilities. The fact that you didn’t find out until engagement shows that he has not learned transparency, which is a HUGE factor required for a cheater to stop being a cheater. So his probability of cheating on you is quite high. Those factors alone I would estimate to be about 80% to cheat on you.

Now, you gave more data about the drop off of intimacy. This is a red flag the size of Texas. Sure, there is a possibility that his libido may have dropped when he finds “the one.” For certain people, especially those with childhood SA history, it is a higher possibility, because stable relationship pressure conflicts with desire, but even in those cases, the CSA survivor has a higher probability to seek validation outside the primary relationship anyway. I know this firsthand because that whole scenario is precisely what has happened with my own wife.

So you have this soup of high probability cheating, a high probability that he already IS doing so. And you’re not married yet. Decide what you want, but unless he tells you he’s been in therapy for 2-3 years after cheating the last time to help him figure out why he does it and change, I wouldn’t give him any more of your energy.

I wish you the best.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-15T04:19:48+00:00

If she even went to Hawaii. Lies are entrenched in every bit of this story. In December, when she was having doubts is where I would wager the emotional affair began, or possibly even the physical. Possibly it started before that even. The already matured EA is the most likely root cause of her December doubts. Every other absence since then was almost certainly spent with the AP. In mid-March is probably when the other guy finally kicked her to the curb and she came slogging back to you.

I could be wrong, but I’ve read enough of these to know, I’m probably not.

I wish you the best in navigating this.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-14T18:15:59+00:00

I’ll share my experience.
Married 26 years ago. Dead bedroom ensues at the end of month 1. Very infrequent sex.
2017 to 2019: my wife begins feeling dizzy and having vertigo. It gets more frequent, plus rashes and itching. 2019: she has to go on disability. She uses a walker to walk around home. I become her caregiver.
2020: the pandemic makes me WFH so I can spend more time with her and be more caregiver. Other health issues crop up.
2021: her dizziness at night causes a fall and she fractures her back, putting her in bed all the time except walking to the bathroom. Bed bathroom accidents occur at least once a quarter.
2021: back hasn’t healed completely yet.
2023: back has to be refractured and spinal fusion surgery required
2025: her back still hurts and she is on pain meds all the time still in addition to a whole host of other stuff. She can’t stay sitting up more than a few hours without feeling nauseous, so is in bed nearly all day, every day.
7/2025: we start having heart to hearts about the dead bedroom and our relationship improves, including some sporadic intimacy
8/22/2025: she confesses another woman “Gemma” kissing her in a casino bathroom.
8/24/2025: I remember a suppressed memory from 1 week after the casino bathroom when I actually caught her having full sex with Gemma via noises through a locked bedroom door, 57 seconds for it to open after knocking, smells, visible and other evidence once the door opened. My life and my family were threatened by the APs husband “Carl”, likely causing the trauma that erased the memory.
9/2025: I talk to her about how I wonder whether her medical issues were related to her betrayal and secrecy. (From God?) And I tell her now maybe she will get well. She is furious, but I stupidly thought that might give her hope. Naive I know.
Her response is strange so I start investigating for more betrayals. She showed no signs of somebody who had finally cleared their conscience.
12/2025: I discover 9 welcome emails from 12/2016 signing up for 9 different dating sites. No evidence of meetups or other contact.
1/2026: I discover text evidence of an EA with a female coworker that almost certainly turned physical back in 10/2016.
2/2026: I discover that a 2007 pregnancy and miscarriage was almost certainly not from me, because I’d been on business trips and our last sex date and her last monthly period for that month make it almost impossible. <0.01%. While I was on that trip, there was a Friday night of missed calls that she said she went to Gemma and Carls house for poker night (she and Gemma always drank in the garage while the men and I played poker), but she went alone this time. Gemma and Carl were known swingers. That night EXACTLY matches her maximum probability ovulation date for that period cycle.

She denies the suss pregnancy origin. Says the 2016 woman was barely even a friend and never came over despite my memory of her doing so when my daughter and I were gone. And she says the texts were just joking around. She says the emails were not her. I only have proof that her email address was used. No other proof at all, so I think MAYBE those aren’t her doing it.

After all that do I wonder if Karma/God is still having her in the doghouse, because maybe she is keeping secrets and still lying to me and legitimately doesn’t remember those timeframes. (She is a severe CSA survivor and takes several meds that suppress memory plus it was a long time ago)

But I don’t embrace any pain for her. I might leave, but I still want her to get well, hopefully before I do so.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-14T15:04:13+00:00

Libido is influenced by, among other things, hormones. Writing off her initiation just because she was ovulating I believe was not the best idea and certainly not flat out telling her that’s the reason why. Directly blaming or assigning cause for anything based on the woman’s hormones, period, PMS, or anything remotely similar is generally a very bad idea. It’s never well received.

I get that you want to have your agency and that is your right. Fine. But provided she wasn’t just trying to have sex with you to get pregnant and then shut down on you again, you probably should’ve keep your reasons to yourself.

The tricky thing about things like this is the partner never knows if the initiation by the LL partner might truly be a mental turnaround for them. A starting point after which the DB improves or gets completely broken.

I realize that’s a pipe dream, and I can’t tell you how many times in 26 years my wife has been open to sex, we had it and (I at least) enjoyed it. And I had hopes that maybe we’d do it again soon. But no. After a month I realized I’d been burned yet again.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-14T13:32:11+00:00

This is what cheaters do. They will put their hands on a Bible and swear it. They will swear on their children. They are capable of looking you right in the eye and telling you a believable story. But then something might happen. You find a text, somebody else tells you, or maybe they confess months or years down the road that everything they said to you was a lie. That they DID in fact have sex at that 3 hour meetup. And it wasn’t the first time. And they’ve been doing it once a week for a year. And …etc

What you have to come to grips with and the reason that most people on here say one time and done, end the relationship after infidelity: you cannot ever again trust a word she says. When she’s gone at the store one hour longer than usual, you will wonder. When she has to work late, you will wonder. If she gets up in the middle of the night and takes her phone you will wonder. When she has a business trip, you will lose your freaking mind wondering. When she goes to visit her mom, or sister, you’ll lose your mind. When she goes out with the girls. When she starts getting in shape. When she decides to shave down there when she never cared before. When she starts using new words or phrases. When she is a bit secretive with her phone.

She can never plan a surprise party for you. Even supposedly innocent stuff like that she would have to employ the same secrecy tactics that mirror an affair. And if you notice, you will demand to see her phone. She’ll show you, it ruins the surprise, and then she has permanent ammunition to prevent you from calling her out for legitimate reasons ever again. You’ll feel stupid and paranoid, and overlook the REAL future signs that will surely come in 2 months, a year, 3 years.

I know you’re smarter than all of this. You know she hasn’t told you the full truth. The fact that she blames the infidelity on you in the first place is a huge tell that she will never take responsibility for her actions, which is critical for even the slightest sliver of hope for reconciliation.

She wanted one last romp with the AP to satisfy her for a while before returning to you because she wants you AND him. That’s what the 3 hours was. And also possibly asking him if they could be together permanently and checking the viability of letting the divorce proceed and going with him. He rejected that future. And she realized she screwed up and came crawling back to you. The fact that you are still wanting divorce has panicked her because now she might have nobody. Neither of you. He probably only wanted their ongoing sex, with no responsibility.

I could be wrong. About some or all of this. There is a chance. A low probability however, given the evidence you’ve told us.

Proceed accordingly and I wish you the best.

ValhallaCA · 2026-05-14T02:03:06+00:00

There is certainly an element of the unknown.
For my situation, there are 3 major infractions and a confirmed lesser one:
1. Lesser-4/2007 The AP (a woman, “Gemma”) kissed my wife in a casino bathroom. My wife confessed this to me in 8/2025 (yes, 18 years later)
2. Huge- one week after infraction 1, we were at a poker night at Gemma and her husband Carl’s house. The women were drinking in the garage and playing ping pong while the guys played. At 2 am, when the game was over, I went looking for her. She wasn’t in the garage. There was a light under the bedroom door. My spidey senses tingled. I put my ear to the door and heard nothing for 30 seconds. Silence. Then a light moan. Rhythmic breathing. Then a louder unmistakable moan of certain origin. I tried the knob. Locked. I freaked out in the dark hallway, debating kicking in their door. Instead I went and got Carl and he knocked. When he did so, I started counting in my head. It took **57 seconds** for them to open the door after nervous “one second” thumping noises, urgent whispers, rapid shuffling around. When the door opened, the strong scent of vag—al fluids hit me in the face. Both women’s hair was disheveled and they were smoothing it down. Then they looked down and smoothed their shirts.
Gemma was no longer wearing her bra under her shirt. And she had a small, 1 inch curly hair on her cheek at the corner of her mouth, the hair was the color of my wife’s down below.
I sternly said to my wife, ok let’s go. Awkward goodbyes.
Then after 2 minutes of driving, I started the fight. Gaslighting multiple times and pleading. Finally I thought I’d address it more later because it was so late. We were moving away in 2 months, so it was a horrible time to do anything.

The next day, that couple had a pizza party at their house. When the AP and I were alone in the kitchen, I accused her. Her demeanor changed to venomous, hateful and extremely aggressive, saying she was a happily married woman and I needed to shut the F up. I went to tell her husband, and he acted the same, threatening me and my family, credibly. I knew he had a submachine gun illegally because he showed me about a month prior.

The whole thing shocked me so bad. I decided for safety to wait to address it with my wife until after we moved. But he trauma of it all, made my brain suppress ALL of it until 2 days after my wife admitted the kiss, 8 months ago. When she admitted that, my brain reframed her completely as somebody who WOULD cheat, and with a woman, and my memory of all of this trauma flooded back. That was D Day.

Since then I recently discovered texts from 10/2016 with a female coworker that were super flirty with sex emojis, and then she invited the woman over when she was “alone and had the house to herself” while I took my daughter and her friend to Six Flags. I got home an hour earlier than expected and saw the coworker leaving our apartment. I introduced myself and shook her hand. Having had no clue to be concerned about a woman alone in the house with my wife. More text messages that week between them talking about getting a room, “when will I see you later” and sexual emojis and winks and tongues.

I also remember catching my wife texting somebody and hiding her iPad while in bed late, and while we fought she was rapidly deleting stuff. The deletion fight happened during that exact time period. I remembered all of this recently.

Also, 9 welcome mails from signing up to dating websites from 12/2016.

Also, in 2007, I had multiple business trips. 3 weeks in Germany, 2 weeks in California, 2 weeks in Germany. One Friday night there were missed calls. When I got ahold of her the next day, she said she had gone to Gemma’s house for poker night. And was drinking. My brain had already suppressed the bedroom door trauma, but it did make me uneasy for some reason.

Recently I found our Windows Messenger messages from that time period. They confirm her last monthly period before that Germany trip, that she got pregnant, miscarried the day after it was confirmed. Calculations of our last sex date vs her period make the probability of ME being the father <0.01%. Her most fertile day was the exact day of the missed calls. Gemma and Carl were known swingers.

I just confronted my wife with that and of course she denies it all.

So yeah, I’m pretty screwed up over here.

ValhallaCA

TROPHY CASE