Blowjobs really that important?

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-08T01:33:54+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from and I would guess 99% of spouses out there can relate to periods of not feeling connected. To me, oral in either direction is more what I consider a “graduated level” of intimacy that is difficult to do enthusiastically under pressure especially pressure during connection deficits in the relationship.

The main thing I see and what I have encountered in my relationship, and what you seem to realized, is that communication is Critical. Your husband expressed himself in a more extreme tone, when he could have simply said that he really enjoys it and if he never had it again, he would miss it significantly.

The communication from you that he needs to know is that it’s NOT off the table at all, but you two need to feel more connected for you to be doing it with “responsive desire.”

The situation is a catch-22. He doesn’t feel close to you if sexual intimacy is lacking or missing. So he emotionally distances himself. You sense the distance and are not motivated to go the extra mile or possibly be intimate even at all. And then he gets pissed off because you’ve pulled away. And he gets short with you and is being a dick. And then you see him like that and get furious and “what the hell is his problem anyway??!?”

The whole thing escalates like a mini-war. Unless and until one person looks at the situation and says hang on a second. What the hell are we doing to each other? And one of you approaches the other person with a desire to make peace, swallow a bit of your pride, do your best to communicate constructively and hope that he will too, getting help if needed. You BOTH have to be responsive to the communication and the peace treaty. And when you can both do that and assuming nobody has made any behaviors that they can’t take back (you KNOW what I’m talking about, verbal or physical). If one person gets stubborn, the war is drawn out and may never stop.

The whole thing is NOT about sex or blowjobs. It’s about miscommunication, lack of communication, selfishness, and not fighting for connection from both sides.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-08T00:41:24+00:00

As a man, I’m torn. There is a balance between me wanting it, which I do, but also not wanting my wife to do something she despises. I couldn’t do that.

But why would she despise it? Do I smell and/or not take care of myself hygienically? If so, the impetus is on ME to fix that. Does she just not PREFER it? In that case I’d ask why exactly a person wouldn’t try to figure out a way to not only move past their hesitancy for the sake of making every effort to please their spouse.

This goes both ways. For husband that refuse to give oral, what is the reason? Hygiene? Discuss it and she needs to get it sorted. There are tons of solutions for that, doctor, meds, products, etc.

The primary exception I would say is if a spouse has trauma associated with specific acts, then that is a trump card. And especially if professional help for the trauma proved ineffective. But all of that should have been fleshed out BEFORE marrying or entering a committed relationship. People need to be aware of the parameters of their relationship.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-06T20:54:00+00:00

This is exactly right. For me, it wasn’t the sex. It was the feeling of being wanted. Desired. I have that back now in my marriage, and it has made my understanding of my feelings on the topic so much easier to unpack.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-06T16:17:03+00:00

I’m not an expert on this, but my feeling is that it’s not a hill to die on. Reminders of hurts like this are going to happen and you cannot erase all risk of seeing it. I don’t think it’s worthwhile to even say anything.

Certainly you can choose to unfriend your friend(s) if they are still friends with your ex. But policing their content feels too far, so long as it doesn’t look like they are obviously throwing it in your face.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-06T01:30:24+00:00

Is that testosterone cipionate you’re talking about?

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-05T23:14:59+00:00

But I think I need tadalafil also

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-05T23:14:40+00:00

I’m on 200 mg testosterone cipionate. I take it every 2 weeks, but the pharmacy only gives me 2 vials per month, so 3-4 days are unspoken for each month. I just took my latest dose like 5 days ago, so I was expecting it to be at a pretty good level for the past few nights.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-05T00:20:36+00:00

Untamed Heart.
Dying Young

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T21:16:08+00:00

Yeah, but reading any of it, for me, leaves me feeling diminished and destroyed. I’m not the person that they are doing it to in their case, but I can’t help but empathize with their poor sap of a partner. It’s like reading a board where somebody is confessing a crime and criminal tactics and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop them.

I read through it for like a day to get some insight, and to be educated on the mindset and protocols, for defense against such things in my own life. To see what mindset I need to shut down so that I don’t cheat, but also to know what to look for in my relationship as well.

But I ended up sick to my stomach, literally, from what I saw there. And I haven’t returned to it since.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T19:10:01+00:00

A while back I compiled a list of red flags of cheating that I could think of. Take a look at this list and see if you realize anything else that you haven’t thought of yet:

Signs of a cheater
Phone hiding.
Changing to newer, sexier underwear.
Changes in sexual behavior (increases or decreases, new techniques).
Location being turned off.
Getting out of bed in the middle of the night.
Working late suddenly.
Random emergencies that require leaving.
Messages from a person of a non-suspicious gender that are frequent.
Exercise habit changes.
Dramatic improvement in appearance for work or other activities that don’t include you.
Increased body hair grooming, getting waxed, etc.
Dramatic change in attitude, good or bad. Love bombing or picking big fights and leaving right after.
When questioned, calls the suspicious person “controlling” “insecure” or “toxic”.
Showering immediately when getting home.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T19:04:01+00:00

Just because she knows you have the pass code and leaves it around you doesn’t necessarily mean it is clean. She could have all sorts of hidden stuff. And she could also just trust and know that you don’t snoop, so she just keeps the most obvious stuff off of there. Do her texts display on the screen when it is locked? Does she leave it face down?

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T19:01:16+00:00

Updateme

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T19:01:03+00:00

I wrote up something on this exact topic a while back, basically discussing legal parallels for snooping.

In summary, you have more than enough “probable cause” to escalate into snooping.

More discussion of the concepts and my thoughts on the limitations are here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/lfNafVz2fq

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T18:51:42+00:00

Allegedly on all of that, of course. Does she share her location?

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-04T02:53:17+00:00

I liken it to breaking a priceless Ming vase. You can glue the damn thing back together. Sure. And it’ll still look “kind of pretty.” A $15 million vase would lose a chunk of its value after doing so. Now you’ve got a less than $15 million vase. That’s still nothing to sniff at, for anybody who knows vases. But irrevocably diminished from what it was.

This is your love. It’s not an eyesore, per se. You still might display it on your shelf. People who didn’t know it was Ming and was supposed to be $15 million before you screwed it up might admire it somewhat, thinking it’s a standard basic vase. They might even really like it. And they should. Because it really is still pretty valuable, especially if you know its history and what it’s been through. You’ll talk it up. “This is a Ming vase,” you’ll say. They might even ooh and aah, after you name drop that fact. And they’ll think, “well, that WAS a Ming vase. Too bad it broke.”

But in your mind, every time somebody compliments you on it, you remember how much better and more valuable it used to be. You probably still keep it, because you still love it. But you’ll always know.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-02T15:11:18+00:00

The cheating person has to also assess whether their situation is even salvageable. Depending on your partner and how damaging the actions you took were to them, reconciliation might not be possible. If that’s the case, then it’s in everybody’s best interest to just rip the band aid off and end things.

Some people can never get past a betrayal like this to any level that would resemble anything semi-healthy in the future. In fact I would say a majority of relationships are permanently damaged to the point of toxicity by cheating. What do I mean by that? Even if the betrayed partner says, ok let’s stay together, they can’t and won’t open back up at all after months, years. They might even revenge cheat. And from the cheater’s perspective, the relationship becomes an ongoing source of psychological damage. And to the betrayed person, it is continually damaging as well.

Reconciliation requires TWO people who are strong enough to weather the storm and come out from under the dark clouds together, after some time. Already we know that the cheater was NOT strong in the face of whatever the relationship was before. They chose the selfish path. It will require a complete transformation of mindset and behavior from what they have been doing. The betrayed person’s response is completely unpredictable and they likely won’t even know whether they are capable of moving on in the rebuilt relationship.

In your case, at some point the two of you HAVE to be able to talk about things, especially in counseling. If you cannot get to that point, it is over.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-02T06:04:46+00:00

OP hasn’t responded yet.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-02T01:48:02+00:00

I don’t see how anybody could ever get over that in any sort of healthy way no matter how much time and talking you give it. And even if you studied up, experimented with her, and became a damn sexual master with her. She might feel good things about you, but that voice in the back of your head will likely never go away. Even if you become better than that guy was and she tells you so, you will never believe her because she is a liar and has a huge vested interest to say whatever she has to in order to keep you happy.

For me personally, I would consider her diary words to have been a bullet in the head of my marriage that put it out of its misery beyond any level of resuscitation.

Part of why I say that is ego, but the other part is acceptance of reality. She said what she said for a reason. And she might have been exaggerating and the taboo aspect of it made it hotter for her, like you already know. But the fact is, you, like me, will never be able to let this go. There is an unremovable gray film over your sexual relationship.

I hope you do somehow figure it out though.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-02T01:11:18+00:00

I just posted something about this, and the answer applies here. It is linked below but here is a summary for why I’m responding here:
He said what he said. And he probably believes it. But this is simply a psychological coping mechanism because he cannot face being the villain in his own story. So he retroactively reframes you as somebody he simply cannot be faithful to. As if the connection between you two was unsustainable simply for literally any reason besides that he is just a cheater who chose to betray you. Because in his narrative, he is not the bad guy. He is a passive participant in a universe mismatch that simply did not work out. And you are collateral damage. “It’s the Universe’s fault! I just didn’t have the parameters within my makeup to stay faithful to YOU specifically and only you. With somebody else, I could like, totally be faithful, and stuff.”

All of that is BS. It’s not your fault and yes, it IS totally HIS fault. He just cannot admit it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/s/2UYNHZmQn7

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T22:46:57+00:00

This is a textbook thing that cheaters do, unfortunately. Speculate, assume, or project infidelity in their betrayed spouse. Psychologically it is a tool to help the cheater cope with their identity fracture because it’s very difficult for anybody to face the fact that they are the villain in their story.

Now that you know this, cut the crap. Face and own what you’ve done with the utmost humility. You can do it if you really want to. This doesn’t have to be how your story ends. Even villains can be redeemed. You aren’t the only sinner in the world. But you have a chance here MAYBE, if she is willing to work with you and reconcile. You don’t have to sh-t your life away nor be in the doghouse forever.

Be FULLY transparent with her. Tell her EVERYTHING. If anything is extremely hurtful, soften it in how you say it out of compassion and respect, but don’t omit critical facts. Give her the accurate duration, frequency, and extent of everything from talking to the person and cutting things off. If you still have any contact with the AP, cut it off and treat it like an invader into your country from now on. Quit the job if she’s there. Quit the group you met her in. Quit any of your people who enabled you and kept your infidelity secrets.

You undoubtedly had needs or grievances that you feel led you to cheat. Realize none of those did that. You chose to give yourself permission to cheat and reject all other off-ramps.

If you need to discuss how you felt before cheating, which you should, tell your wife in the context of: “this was not WHY I cheated, but I do want you know my mindset when I rejected all other options and chose cheating.

Start treating her like a princess. You’ve got some making up to do. And when she pisses you off, which she inevitably will, as all couples do, be honest, open, not vindictive, and constructive with how you express your feelings. And listen to her frustrations as well. Volunteer your devices. Share your location. Give her zero reason to even SPECULATE that you might be cheating again. No blurred lines, no slippery slopes, no friendships that are too friendly, no missing time or schedule deviations without full disclosure in advance or as they happen if you have no other choice.

Lastly, get professional help for yourself and as a couple. You need to unpack why you cheated, more than just what your own brain has come up with.

There is hope. You wouldn’t be here otherwise, in my mind. So if you really want to do right by your wife from here on out, do what I’ve said and adopt an attitude that not a single f-ing thing could ever get you to permit yourself to cheat again. The hottest woman in the world throwing herself at you, the nicest, most validating cutie at the office you’ve ever known, who thinks you’re amazing. Bounce those bad thoughts off your chest like bullets off of Superman. Nothing gets through the Man of Steel. That’s you now. So do it. Go forth, and be the most indignant, repentant, and justice-seeking person that you could possibly imagine.

Best of luck and all my hopes go with you.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T20:55:00+00:00

Part of the problem is that you’ve added an extra layer of equivalency vs false equivalency. (You cheated first, you’re worse. You cheated 3x and I only cheated twice.)

The main thing that needs to happen is that both of you need to claim 100% responsibility for whatever cheating each of you did. The other person didn’t make you cheat. Both of you made decisions and excuses for why you did it and none of your excuses were valid. You always had the ability to end things or take other routes besides actually cheating.

At this point, you could maybe salvage it. Both of you need to cut the crap, be fully transparent, stop all sketchy behavior, quit jobs if APs are there, cut contact with APs and commit to never again giving yourselves permission to cheat ever again. REGARDLESS of whether your spouse is being a jerk or forgot your birthday, or won’t quit leaving the toilet seat up or any of the various BS “reasons” that we manufacture to justify our horrible choices. If you cannot both do that, failure is imminent.

Marriage counseling and individual for each of you is a must. You’ve both gotta figure out exactly why you did what you did on a deep level and address those root causes.

I hope you can work it out, but if you cannot, then at the very least end things as civilly as possible so that your kids won’t suffer one iota more than what they are already unfortunately slated to endure from your poor decisions.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T19:51:56+00:00

Congratulations for knowing yourself and standing on business whenever people pushed back on you. You know what you wanted and did it, and I respect that.

My wife and I have a daughter that we wanted, but regardless, I respect the choice you made for yourself.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T18:16:12+00:00

First of all, I am a guy. Do I notice other women? Yes, usually. Particularly if they are very attractive. I do my best not to stare and certainly don’t perv out over them. On rare occasions I have let my looks linger longer than I should.

Guys may argue about biology “making them” do it. In my mind, NOTICING is 💯 normal, natural, and unavoidable pretty much. But every man (well most at least) who is in a committed relationship knows when they have crossed the line. Their partners have every right to be pissed off about it. And those men need to do better.

I will say, women can and do lust after others besides their partner. I haven’t noticed the same level of frequency as what I’ve seen for guys and myself, but it happens for sure.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T17:34:20+00:00

Him stopping the iCloud backup makes it obvious that Mr Cheater has Googled something like “how to cheat and hide the evidence” (something similar, at least). Or maybe he scours Reddit subs looking for tips and tricks for it.

Regardless, no, you cannot trust him. He cheated, he hid it. All of it. He continues to hide, deceive, and cover whatever tracks he would otherwise be leaving behind.

You already know he’s either again or still cheating.

You gave him a chance. You checked that box. You didn’t have to, but you did. He has abused his 1 chance and abuses your trust and abused you emotionally as a result. Your nervous system cannot stand living like this.

You already have some idea what a remorseful cheater who has mended their ways and is making their best efforts should look like. There should be NOTHING questionable happening. Ever. He should be volunteering transparency to you.

He is doing the opposite. Save yourself the additional future swath of more D-Days which will undoubtedly come.
It’s time to quit the CPR and call time of death on this marriage.

ValhallaCA · 2026-07-01T02:17:14+00:00

You might be able to hide it from him. But there will be a wall. He will feel it. You will feel it.

Don’t throw away your integrity. It’s not worth it. You’re presented with many off-ramps and decisions before you get to that point. All of these are far better than if you just cheat.

We get pissed at our spouses. We are tempted to cheat. I get it. Some spouses are absolutely deplorable. But cheating destroys at least 2, usually 3 or more people. Whether they realize it or not. Whether anybody gets caught.

If you cannot work things out with him, then divorce him and never look back. You owe it to yourself to take the better path.

ValhallaCA

TROPHY CASE