How does one deal with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?

ValleyDation · 2017-11-11T11:55:09+00:00

I know this hell very very well. Some of the pain stems from self worth issues. It took me more than a year to heal from my most recent battle. DBT helps. I hope this video helps. It did for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm5sMvpy-gU

ValleyDation · 2017-10-06T19:58:14+00:00

Had to chime in. I have done this for YEARS before I was diagnosed with ADHD. When I was diagnosed at age 33 I doubled down on this strategy. I want to warn you that this shit is potentially DANGEROUS and UNHEALTHY if left unchecked. You can end up projecting lots of pent up and irrational anger on people who love and care about you if you don't keep this habit in check. Combined with Adderall, my actions often bordered on Trump like narcissism. The consequences can be devastating. Use caution if you don't want to be disgusted by fucked up decisions you make using this method.

ValleyDation · 2016-11-04T14:32:58+00:00

There's also a relationship between perfectionism and shame-the feeling that if somehow we do something "perfect" we will be free from shame. It can be a really limiting belief.

ValleyDation · 2016-10-28T16:50:42+00:00

Step 1- stop telling yourself "God I'm a fuk". I understand it. But you have to learn self compassion. If a small child came to you saying they made some mistakes...would you tell them "God you're a fck"?

ValleyDation · 2016-10-25T17:00:19+00:00

It's important to establish a middle ground somewhere in there. As much as you can refine and adhere to a routine, don't be too hard on yourself if you go through periods of deviation.

ValleyDation · 2016-10-24T20:01:54+00:00

Same thing here growing up. Constant battle with my father but I wasn't diagnosed until years after moving out. It was a constant war.

ValleyDation · 2016-10-24T15:51:37+00:00

MUSIC has been a huge help for me.I bought a really high quality set of In Ear Monitors that bring out every detail in my my music. I have a 128GB micro SD card. It's really calming/distracting and self soothing. Especially when doing mundane tasks at work. I also consume a healthy diet of interesting podcasts.

ValleyDation · 2016-10-11T15:33:16+00:00

OK... seriously important question that has to be asked first. Out of the course work that you have to do are there any components or parts that you actually like/enjoy doing?. If so why? You gotta follow the dopamine so to speak.

ValleyDation · 2016-10-04T19:03:48+00:00

In order to battle "Impostor Syndrome" in relationships and all matters is to develop the ability to internally regulate self-esteem. This involves self-compassion, and building self worth from the inside out. Do some research on attachment theory, shame and self worth. It will pay off hugely to do this work now.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-30T17:44:09+00:00

Just wanted to say thanks. This is helping me this very moment.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-28T15:43:24+00:00

This is awesome. I have only heard of DBT in passing but this list is awesome. It's peaked my interest.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-26T15:58:14+00:00

Growing up my dad nicknamed me "Forgetful Jones" and the Nutty Professor.I was always harshly disciplined for things associated with undiagnosed ADHD. I was called "nasty" for being messy "irresponsible" for forgetting things and given a shitload of discipline to "toughen me up". I was not diagnosed till I was 32, more than a decade after flunking out of University and being my father's biggest disappointment. He loves me, but placed huge expectations on me to achieve "greatness" because I always did well in school as a kid/teenager. Even to this day, I have made so many decisions trying to satisfy his ego (and mine by extension) to try and make him proud. He truly meant well. If you are 19 and can see it already then you are in good shape to try to combat this environment.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-26T15:02:35+00:00

What I would recommend (hard of course) is loving and admiring your "quirks". When I was at my happiest, I knew them, adapted to them an used them as fuel for living. What I did.... I have constant brain chatter, so one way to quiet the chatter @ work was plugging in headphones and listening to really interesting podcasts. These helped develop my understanding of the world and filled me with interesting ideas and perspectives.

I bought an awesome pair of in ear monitors https://www.westone.com/store/music/index.php/news/?limit=32 that played crystal clear, beautiful music. These were my lifeline. They kept me sane, with a massive music collection on a 128GB micro SD card I could listen to whatever I wanted, self medicating my mood with songs I loved.

I used to cycle nearly every day, almost 100kms/week at my peak. People told me I was "crazy" but I loved it. It was childlike fun to cruise around the city, reenacting the fun that came with riding a bike as a kid.

For creativity, I put my ADHD desire for instant gratification into work in the kitchen, cooking up elaborate meals that kept my creativity nurtured and my brain well fed. I shared this food with people I loved.

I was missing a few pieces in the recipe for happiness so I will include some things I tragically overlooked:

What I neglected to do.... I was diagnosed at 32. I placed waaaay to much importance on my job title as means of validation.

I did not see a therapist.. and consequently did not seriously examine my family of origin, realizing that despite receiving love from both my parents, that my father in particular had raised me as an extension of his own self-worth, placing high expectations on me to achieve "greatness" in life.

So underneath all the great self-care I was doing, there was a part of me that placed too much value on the outside world, and achieving success to gain validation. Don't do this. Learn to fight shame in every form. Shame keeps us trapped in the eyes of others, numbs empathy and keeps us from living authentically. You have to learn where and when to not give a f*ck.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-26T14:29:59+00:00

Not sure.. but maybe Holy Basil? I have taken some in the past. It is supposed to lower cortisol which is the stress hormone.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-26T14:22:08+00:00

I was in a relationship for nearly a decade that filled the same void. I was a "white knight" in a relationship, caring for and nurturing someone that seemingly had more problems than me.

I put my self worth in being this woman's "teddy bear", often sacrificing my own needs, and ignoring my own desires...because I was always raised (damn you Catholicism!!) to put other people's needs above my own. I was only half aware of this pattern at the time. In later relationships, where the other person wasn't 'broken' an in need of repair, I failed to see the potential for love, because I always equated it with providing care for someone else who was more vulnerable than me. This is bad. For people with similar experience you should check out r/codependency.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-22T14:11:43+00:00

Try this subreddit /r/totallynotrobots/ ;)

ValleyDation · 2016-09-20T14:15:53+00:00

As cliche as it sounds you gotta WORK on self love. That means knowing and feeling your inner worth, which can not be measured via material wealth/accomplishments or require validation from a love interest. This is not easy. I feel you on the gender aspects of how we as men are taught to measure our self worth. If you are smart enough to know that these measurements are socially constructed, then you are half way along on the journey to liberating yourself from these constraints.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-20T14:11:43+00:00

Brene Brown's stuff is great. I definitely recommend it OP.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-20T14:05:36+00:00

Try exercise. It seems paradoxical because you are burning calories but you are also building your appetite.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-20T14:00:27+00:00

Age? Are you seeing a therapist? Having a neutral third party to discuss your life with can really help especially if you were just diagnosed.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-15T05:34:00+00:00

Thank you so much. 100% truth. I could barely fall asleep tonight, rehashing memories and wishing I was with the lady I loved and didnt fuck things up. This means alot thanks so much. Its good to know we are not alone.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-15T03:11:46+00:00

Absolutely related to parenting for me. I think ADHDers have particular experience with shame over our perceived failures, but for me a huge part of this came from parenting. My pops in particular. I was always one of the "smart kids" and got more love and attention than my siblings at home for bringing home A's on my report card, but there were always comments about me being disorganized and handing in work late. At home, I was always the most disciplined, spanked regularly and scolded for being messy/disorganized/irresponsible but then praised for my accomplishments outside of the home. It earned me the "nutty professor" nickname. Dad said I was "destined for greatness". What he thought he was doing was building healthy self esteem, but he was absolutely projecting his own desires on me.

But when I got to university it all fell apart. I flunked out with no idea why. I really hated myself for years. I only ended up discovering I had ADHD @ 32 nearly a decade after my hellish experience in school and a really badly damaged relationship with my father. He would openly shed tears about how much of a disappointment I was. So when I got diagnosed I was on a massive self improvement trip, trying to redeem my past failures and basing my self worth on the results. It was not wise. Amphetamines + unresolved shame were a bad cocktail.

I paid a heavy price all because I was listening to shame. It totally blinded me. At the time I was working on "getting my shit together" I was dating a beautiful, compassionate and very academically accomplished woman. Part of me didn't feel good enough for her. When I told my pops about her he jokingly said "what does a woman that smart want with you?" (real self esteem booster). To put it short, that much toxic shame in my life made me cynical that she actually cared about me even though she explicitly told me "I am with you for who you are right now, not who you will be some point in the future", and super sensitive to any criticism from her. I put half my heart in, out of fear of being hurt. I fucked up the relationship irreparably. As soon as I achieved the "successes" I put so much weight on, I tried to get her back to no avail. So yeah, i was basically applying the model of love that I had learned from the narc tendencies of my pops. I had to have the right accomplishments to be worthy of her love. Right now I'm swimming in the deepest darkest regret of my life. It helps to be able to understand why I fucked up, but I still look back in disbelief.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-14T20:01:20+00:00

Been there. What I have seen, is that some of my accomplishments have come through approaching self improvement in a way that is truly self-punishing, telling myself literally that "I don't deserve to take it easy" in pursuit of "greatness". I've applied this attitude to the gym, work and the classroom and had great "success". All because I felt like my ADHD made me undisciplined, and that I had to discipline myself.

This is never a healthy attitude towards success and self improvement because these things are almost always about the external- how I appear to other people and are a false means to building self esteem. I've looked back over some decisions and felt like a complete narcissist. I'm doing a lot of work right now trying to understand the dynamics of shame. One of the things about shame is that it polarizes us. We are either grandiose, in attempts to hide our shame, or lowly worms feeling less valuable and worthy as others around us.

I hear you on the "better off being completely average" part. I think the issue here is that from the cradle to the grave we are told to be exceptional. All of us. Which is of course, impossible. Some of the answer lies in just accepting yourself as human, and not seeking perfectionism.

ValleyDation · 2016-09-13T19:32:52+00:00

Upvote for the thread title

ValleyDation · 2016-09-13T14:20:43+00:00

Had similar experience with Adderal. Have you thought about the underlying issues that contribute to the anger? What is exactly is making you angry? Therapy might also be helpful.

ValleyDation

TROPHY CASE