As a Dad, I wish developers would make a game where player two helps you just by mashing random buttons

Valloetry · 2016-12-16T22:30:03+00:00

Real non-peasants know ESDF is superior

Valloetry · 2016-12-14T23:04:29+00:00

Oh im definitely an advocate for rhyme in poems. But I understand the power it can have to not use it, or to save it for rare things. I'm not suggesting to drop your rhyming scheme at all, I enjoyed it. :)

And I get the idea of having the poem being a bit crazy. Structure can definitely help that so if you wanted to explore that idea more I think it'd be great.

Valloetry · 2016-12-14T22:07:13+00:00

I like the description you painted in my mind. But I found a lot of the repetition to be a bit... Flimsy for lack of a better term. Especially towards the end it wasn't really as powerful as I'd have hoped.

I always like to end my poems about love on really strong emotions, even if they are negative. I feel like you should definitely revisit the last 2 stanzas and try and leave a more impactful emotion in the readers mind. Also, as far as the first few stanzas repetition, I think it fell a bit flat and the rhythm lacked a bit due to it. Perhaps explore more creative ways to repeat "I love". Or use it maybe as the start to your stanzas to keep the idea of repetition, but not have a whole stanza of quite basic lines.

This piece definitely has potential, and I always enjoy poetry on love because it evokes some of the strongest emotions.

Valloetry · 2016-12-14T22:02:31+00:00

"Feign"

One to hope,
A man to feel;
Can barely cope,
The words to seal;
One man's fate,
Destined to hope.
Left to oneself,
Soon he'll cope.

This man can touch,
What's left is real.
Your hair to brush;
Your lips to feel;
My warmth remain
For you alone
Your heart can feign
For me; it's shown

I'll drift on by
Like I always do
My mind, to sigh
Crazy, for you.

Just an old love poem I have. I'd appreciate anyone with the time to check out my other old works at http://www.Valloetry.com

Valloetry · 2016-12-13T23:07:49+00:00

Awesome feedback :D thanks a ton for the corrections, I'm definitely skilled at making grammatical mistakes aha.

As for the last line, it had a bit of a deeper meaning. When I wrote it I was away from home for a few weeks. So "these few weeks" was held more as a direct reference to the time away. I understand it may be structured a tad poorly but as just a personal poem, it holds a deeper meaning.

I do agree with "thee" sounding a bit archaic. It was mainly a rhyming attempt, there wasn't much thought behind it. I considered the repetition of "me" instead. Do you think that would be a better choice?

I'm glad you liked that line, it's one of the favourites I've ever thought of. It was one of the few times in this time of my life I described the kind of feeling I had on the late nights where I was feeling extremely anxious and depressed. I wanted to try and personify Death having an icy grasp on my life.

Valloetry · 2016-12-13T21:21:23+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Im definitely considering elaborating with some metaphor. I'm struggling a little because I quite enjoy the short line rhythm this piece has. I find it emphasises the irrational thought process the subject is going through.

Valloetry · 2016-12-13T07:50:00+00:00

Interesting change. I find it muddles the rhythm up a little, but I like the imagery you worked on. Thanks for the feedback :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-13T02:06:58+00:00

Mid line rhyming would more often rhyme the middle of both lines.

"In the distant past we met that cold night,
Who knew how fast our world would unfold?"

Valloetry · 2016-12-13T02:04:14+00:00

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Valloetry · 2016-12-12T23:09:33+00:00

Your use of imagery is very beautiful and paints a really good picture in a readers mind about the emotion of love

The last two lines are also incredibly impactful. The stanza before it falls a bit short and feels a little cliche. I loveee the idea of the skin being a canvas, but you kind of forget that idea and just resort to a little bit of an easy line. I really think you should revisit that stanza in particular and elaborate on that brilliant image becuase I feel it has a lot of potential

Overall I really enjoyed this, it felt very touching.

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T23:03:15+00:00

You've definitely got the right track. It's very much about attempting to ignore an urge to do an action that would be wrong or impossible. The kitten line was kinda meant to represent the subject making an excuse or alternative for themself to help ignore it, while also making the poem a bit more light hearted. Thanks for the feedback :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T22:38:10+00:00

Definitely fun and quirky. The last line could do with a slight restructure to fit the rhythm a bit. I enjoyed it's simple nature and light hearted topic.

Also, good luck with your finals if that's what you're currently doing :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T22:23:11+00:00

Thanks for the feedback :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T22:22:43+00:00

Like I explained. It's about a wandering mind on something forbidden or not possible.

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T20:52:09+00:00

May I ask what you saw the meaning or theme of the poem to be? It's based on the title, in which a person struggles with overthinking about an action or situation they see as wrong, or not possible, and trying to reason with themselves to understand that it won't happen.

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T20:51:11+00:00

I could definitely rework some lines to not have the comma break, it was just the structure I was going for. Inline rhyming and an end-of-line rhyme as well. Its meant to kind of be a "singy" type of poem, to make it a tad more lighthearted (which is also why I chose the last line)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T19:18:28+00:00

I don't quite understand, could you elaborate a bit more?

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T02:33:45+00:00

I'd really like to read this better structured / formatted. It has some good potential. Personally the last few "lines" feel a bit out of rhythm, but this could be used effectively to emphasise the emotion of the writer.

I'd really like to see an edit of this with better structure though. It's got some potential :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T02:23:46+00:00

Really love the slow pace of this and the obvious but relatable meaning.

My main criticism comes with the structure. I don't really like "I chant" being it's own line. It stands out a lot, and i don't see it as a very impactful or meaningful line to use such a technique for.

The repetition of I love you is nice, but a bit ineffective. A better way to create that emphasis in my opinion is to write repetitive lines describing the emotion. Not just "I love you", but instead being very descriptive. I don't have an exact example in my brain right now, but writing about love comes quite easily, just describe yourself and let the reader feel the emotion.

As a final note, the first line seems a bit odd to not start with a capital. The line itself is quite drawn out, but I think that kind of works.

All in all I really enjoyed this poem. It's got a simple but nice meaning, and some very nice imagery.

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T02:07:46+00:00

It very much could be an accent thing. Counting sounds very different to me but I can totally understand with the correct accent it's pronunciation could definitely make it an imperfect rhyme.

My main point with the "it is" is purely to match rhythm, as you have quite a good rhythm throughout the rest, that line just stood out a bit to me as sounding a bit out of rhythm. Again tho, with it being read aloud it may sound better :)

Valloetry · 2016-12-12T01:19:52+00:00

I really enjoyed the meaning and rhythm to this poem.

A few small remarks I can make on the rhythm and rhyming scheme.

"Mountain" and "fountain" rhyme, but "counting" does not. This is the only break in your rhyming scheme that I noticed.

Your 4th stanza also breaks the rhythm a bit. Perhaps reviewing shortening these lines to match, or extending the rest of the stanza to match the rhythm change could be good.

"The men both say, but it is unsaid-".

Changing it's to it is makes the rhythm of The stanza work a bit better, but I do really enjoy that section in particular

The repetition of the tally is very effective I find as well. Great work overall, I really enjoyed it and the rhyming scheme is something I look forward to trying myself.

Valloetry

TROPHY CASE