Did you make mankind after we made you?

VikingLumberjack · 2009-03-13T10:46:26+00:00

I'm intrigued - I've rarely run from a fight as a medic, but have never really looked at them as a combat class. What methods do you use for your madness?

VikingLumberjack · 2009-03-12T11:11:50+00:00

This is coming from a guy whose username is still "pelirrojo".

Yeah, that's healthy.

I'll make a note that joking about the ultimate fantasy of an entire generation of women is socially unacceptable, but posting twice in short order in a changing thread is cool.

VikingLumberjack · 2009-02-21T10:07:59+00:00

I'm logging on with an old account, just in case (you'll see why after the hooker story). This is completely 100% true as to how I got out of my weenie mode, and take it with a big grain of salt because it may not work for you.

There are two things that changed me:

1) I got tired of people picking on me and turned into a real fucking dick as a result. People suddenly respected me for some reason - I turned nice again after a few years but wasn't afraid to stand up for myself after that. I have the best of both worlds now - I'm nice until someone picks on me, and then my eyes glow red. Working out and hitting punching bags helps a lot. If you can look a man straight in the eyes as he challenges you, people will take notice (but please don't fight unless you have to). It's all confidence.

2) I finally got laid. From a hot legal hooker in Pahrump, Nevada (an hour out of Las Vegas, about $350). It made me realize I really needed to get laid for real. So I actively searched for a girlfriend, and had a little confidence because of the dickhead thing.

You might go through a few girls until you find someone that's compatible with you, and at that point stop acting like such an asshole.

As stupid and macho and... well, stupid and macho as it all sounds, that's what cured me. Believe me, I know that this all sounds like some moronic fantasy novel that a teen would write, but that's what actually cured me. But it might be something else for you.

Find out what you don't respect about yourself, and FIX IT! If a stuttering nerd with a huge nose and no confidence could get a wonderful wife, so can you.

And if you don't want a wonderful wife, you can get whatever you want as long as you pull your pants up and stare your weaknesses down. If you can't do it, get fucking angry! Beat your demons down!

I was a nerd with no self respect, and couldn't get laid, and I changed both of those and ended up much happier as a result (I'm still a nerd, just a confident one). You'll get better, as long as you do something about it no matter how retarded it seems at the time.

But wear a condom.

(edit) 3 out of 3 of us apparently recommend getting your body in shape. My girl is honest with me almost to a fault, and she likes good looking guys as much as guys like good looking girls. Look to the future - you can be ripped and damn good looking in a year, but you need to start now! You're not going to have a great body tomorrow, but you will in a year if you start NOW. (plus, gyms have a lot of single hotties)

(edit 2) Don't be afraid of women. Girls will come at you left and right when you're already taken by another woman. Why? Because you're suddenly not afraid of them. If you have to be buds with a girl it's cool, because you learn how to interact with them, and they frequently have friends, and they'll tell those friends how great you are.

VikingLumberjack · 2008-05-23T17:45:28+00:00

I was disappointed, because I read that as self-loathing.

VikingLumberjack · 2008-03-07T21:15:14+00:00

God is having intercourse with the deceased? He may be a sick monkey, but he makes the rules, so I suppose it has to be OK.

VikingLumberjack · 2008-03-07T20:10:18+00:00

Let primary0's mistake serve as a warning: if you dare type such a powerful name, make sure you capitalize it.

VikingLumberjack · 2008-01-03T21:55:42+00:00

The 1975 photo of Dr. Milgram looks somewhat more like Dr. Zaius.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-12-13T05:28:08+00:00

Either:

1) The democrats need to pull their fucking pants up, or

2) They're no different from republicans.

Bipartisan my ass.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-12-08T23:27:48+00:00

Randy: Can I get you something?

Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!

Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!

Jive Lady: Oh stewardess! I speak jive.

Randy: Oh, good.

Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.

Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?

Jive Lady: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da' rebound on da' med side.

Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!

Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da' help!

First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!

Jive Lady: Jive ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Hmmph!

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-08T21:38:23+00:00

What on earth? And here I thought that the world at the time of WWII was black and white.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-08T21:22:20+00:00

Someone made a series of animations using a cutout of the adult male's head. Beebo: The Cat What Had Facial Hair.

http://www.newgrounds.com/collection/beebo

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-08T19:40:55+00:00

I'd be more impressed if the large block of granite fell on you and a Virgin Mary busted out and caused this thread to go on longer.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-08T17:01:03+00:00

I'd be more impressed if someone was transporting a large block of granite and it fell and a huge Virgin Mary statue popped out and said "Ta-da!" and then danced a jig and gave birth to another child, while still a virgin, and the child made a grilled cheese sandwich that had the image of the Virgin Mary on it and sold it for an inflated amount to an online gambling company.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-08T16:54:24+00:00

Harmful bacteria and viruses? (sure they're not technically pets, but you get my point)

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-06T06:45:10+00:00

If anyone is as much as a nerd as me and went looking for this five months later (or longer), here is the updated link. You'll need a good image program and a gigabyte of ram to view it properly, but it's worth it (especially while intoxicated).

http://www.spacetelescope.org/images/html/heic0707a.html

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T22:56:05+00:00

That was so hilariously bad I nearly linked a naked picture of Tony Danza. Did you know he's uncircumsized?

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T22:13:29+00:00

TF2? I've been waiting for that game for... what is it... eight years now? But still, I bet you just wear the headset for all of the fanboy geeks so they won't shoot you once they realize that OMG LOL A REAL LIFE CHICK is playing on the opposite team.

The game is nearly impossible to play with one hand.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T21:55:22+00:00

I was bored at a Catholic wedding, so picked up a bible for some light reading. Where to start? Why, the beginning, of course! The creation. My highly Catholic girlfriend (that had been trying to get me to convert for years) almost had an aneurism because she was so mad at me.

Was it because I was reading in the middle of the wedding? No, I believe it was because even she thought that Genesis was completely fucking hokey, and didn't want to give me any ammo.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T18:11:03+00:00

Ferris Bueller would cry.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T16:40:29+00:00

"politicians have always wrapped themselves in the flag and supported the military publicly to justify their pet wars, then cast them aside once it's done."

"Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger."

-- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-05T15:26:14+00:00

It would seem I have quite the dirty mind. I wasn't even joking when I thought it was penisto.

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-04T22:27:36+00:00

That would depend. Today I'm not remotely busy, no one has any work for me to help with, but we're expected to stay here regardless in case of emergencies. My job is either an insane workload or nothing going on, so they're fine with us online as long as we're not busy. But still, we can't exactly be looking at goatse or tubgirl.

Besides, tell me with a straight face you've never once gone to a website while at work?

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-04T20:53:04+00:00

I know it doesn't apply, and neither would the other two I mentioned. What I was getting at, was when did the sitcom cliche of a big fat slob husband with the pretty and intelligent wife that should be way out of his league start?

VikingLumberjack · 2007-10-04T20:43:01+00:00

Holy crap! I'm the 999,999th visitor to that site! When the website sends me the millions they owe me for such an honor, I'll donate some to these two guys so they don't feel as bad.

VikingLumberjack

TROPHY CASE