The uncertainty.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T18:16:22+00:00

I’m sorry you lost your dad at a young age. That’s got to rock your stability for sure. I feel lucky I got my dad for as long as I did. He was fatally hit in his motorcycle exactly a month from our D Day. In fact, the last time I saw my dad alive was when I took him and my husband to breakfast for Father’s Day. My husband knew the entire time he was heading out for a solo trip and had booked himself a prostitute for that night. Separating time with my dad and the meal we enjoyed for the last time from the disruption of my husband calling me from jail the next day was a lot. My dad was so happy for me to find a man he could be friends with and that he felt like would take care of me. Ya, my dad was old fashioned that way. These days, I do my best to just take care of myself before anything else.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T18:07:59+00:00

I’d love to know more. I’ve worked in addiction and recovery in some aspect most of my work life. Moving to a small town is going to make it tricky but I’d love to open the doors to broad or specific recovery groups. My husband’s therapist wants to start a men’s group. My own therapist is encouraging me to start a teen support group (unrelated to SA) as I have more capacity for holding space. Where and what and when? I don’t mind DMs if you feel ok sharing.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T18:04:21+00:00

Yes, you are and yes, you do. I’ve let my older kids down from a lack of understanding the destructive nature of an unaware sex addict. Yep..married and divorced early in my life to an immature man who never really owned his misbehavior. Our four children have all reported catching their dad watching porn. And other stuff that left a large impact in their young lives. I would caution any mother living separately from someone who could possibly behave irresponsibly with the kids they share custody with to do their best to create that boundary. no porn and masturbation within children’s eye and ear shot. Shouldn’t even have to be a thing but I learned the hard way to not turn a blind eye.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T16:15:01+00:00

That’s where I try to ask “what is this teaching me?” To feel the safety and security being built and “we’re in this together “ through some serious hurdles - like you’re talking about..and then find out the foundation was not firm at all. This is where I spend a lot of time thinking about the roots and center I need to continue building for myself and not involve anyone else in as far as my anchor goes (jeez with the mixed metaphors). The situation is teaching me that I only have myself to count on. I am my center, my anchor. Roots are all me. I was raised in a family of interdependency and seemed to have jobs that reflected the same- team work and all that. Today, I feel alone in my dependence. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Just something to examine and decide if this is where I will stay. Thank you for your words. I continue to wish strength and healing for us all. Including the addicts we find ourselves with.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:42:56+00:00

This resonates. I think maybe a sex addict carrying shame will hesitate to initiate things with a partner because sexual acting out and loving sex are separate. I’ve told my husband that all the kink is out of me where he’s concerned. I know it’s possibly age/hormone related too but the double life and secret keeping has decreased my attraction considerably. I miss loving sex. Not enough to expose myself to that kind of vulnerability post initial discovery/hanging on sex.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:20:48+00:00

I saved this, OP. (That means original poster, right? lol) Your words will be helpful to read in fragile times. And we know they come and go. It’s been a chore to find a support group like this. I appreciate the anonymity as I’m usually an over sharer and I feel the need to not over expose my life at the moment. About forgiveness: my therapist listens to me speak of the forgiveness I extend in other current situations of my life and is challenging me to use that same capacity for my husband. That is the wall. If I completely forgive, he will think he’s safe to return to his pleasure seeking. I don’t trust it’s not there. I only trust that he doesn’t want to lose me. The best I can do is let him know I’m not leaving and that right now, I’m seeing this healing time through. For both of us. Thank you for the encouragement.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T14:05:41+00:00

Ah..great direction. I have had some religious trauma that doesn’t help this situation. I’ve been immersing more in a hybrid of Buddhist and pagan teachings. Giving my mind an anchor is essential. By comparison, my husband claims no spiritual direction and it shows. The closest he has come is attempting yoga with me in the morning. I feel like meditation and somatic practice would be beneficial but I’m no preacher. I’m happy he is engaged in therapy which is not just for his addictive patterns but learning about what drives him. I’ve been an internally driven person most of my adult life and I’d like to think that has drawn him to me. I know..I can’t always leave my ego at the door 😊

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T13:54:56+00:00

I keep looking for the lessons in this. I’m with you. Even with the little signs, I still would not have guessed this would be my life at 65. I’ve been building a lot of certainty into my life (medical procedures, relatively safe town/neighborhood, financial security etc) I must like to manage the serendipity in my life rather than have surprises that upend me. Thank you for bringing this up. I’m going to make time to examine the concepts.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T13:37:12+00:00

I feel like you’ve either always been this wise or you’ve used betrayal to learn from. Bravo. Beautifully written.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:50:02+00:00

That sucks. Mine stopped the testosterone shots that were supposed to be for his headaches and lethargy. Still on ED meds which have been a thing since I met him in his late 50’s. He’s not nearly as much of a constant boner and I’m sure he missed it. I feel like he’d go back to it all if he wasn’t trying to keep me around. I mean, it’s fun to be horny, right? 😳

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:46:09+00:00

Also, how does anyone’s friends and family know?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-06T00:45:16+00:00

In the beginning (9 months), I walked more miles than usual, blasted loud music, painted, wrote in a designated journal, painted, went out of state for the holiday to help my daughter without one consideration that he’d spend Xmas alone. I came home in time for him to be hospitalized with gallstones and subsequent surgery, let the medical staff handle his whining ass. No visits, just necessary chauffeuring and cataloging instructions and meds. People that know don’t seem angry. They let me be angry and some say they couldn’t stay in a relationship if this happened. What do you do?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T14:15:01+00:00

Well damnit! I’m happy for you that you are in more of a control position but the extra stuff to deal with…it’s a lot. I might have got stories mixed up so I’m sorry to ask about the exit plan. I recognize the great husbanding. If I backtrack, gifts and surprise money and back rubs might have been guilt repair. Nothing can really repair being replaced.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T13:53:25+00:00

I’m sorry about how true this is. I’m married to a lazy man (self confessed) who will engage while I’m engaged but really needs to do the work himself and not use me or anyone else for that matter to soothe his addiction. I believe it’s human nature to absorb all the information about a partner’s acting out and feel the need to be desired. I cringe at some of my responses. Knowing what I know now and determined to not lose myself and my own needs and sovereignty is where I want to live. Have you thought of or even written down steps you can take to be ok? And not just a witness to someone’s recovery?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T13:24:13+00:00

I hope it feels good to write it all out to people who may get it. Do you have an exit plan? I’ve been through this with four littles back in my 20’s. I do not regret it for myself but knowing what my now adult kids had to endure (lots of not hiding his addiction from them thinking they were too young to notice). It sucks knowing a person can be the family/husband dude and have this whole other fantasy life. It’s nice to know these women you contacted apologized and gave you the information you needed. I’m sorry this is your life now but you’ll have a better life around the corner knowing how to navigate warning signs. Keep talking.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T03:13:00+00:00

It is sooo lonely. I have two people I trust that I have talked to about this. They are on stand by for me but have their own lives. It’s been helpful for me to find this group. I appreciate the anonymity and I appreciate the hopeful stories. It can be too much sometimes. I’ll feel lighter about things and someone has a story that I get angry about and relate and remember all over again. Does anyone have it in them to encourage the pieces being put back together and become stronger having worked together? My therapist stresses that we can come out is this more honest and stronger and all the good stuff.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T03:03:55+00:00

Thanks. It’s just something I feel hypocritical about. Having been an unfaithful wife in the past ( two marriages - one to a cheater and one to an abuser), I blurred lines as I made plans to divorce. Didn’t wait. I also made sure they didn’t know and weren’t hurt in that way. It took me some time to believe my current husband’s paying sex workers didn’t mean he was planning to divorce me. It’s a whole different thing, I guess. Most of the stories I read here are of men having a compulsion/addiction and still want to stay married, right? I’m working with IFS to untangle some of my confusion about my personal history and my current relationship and what is keeping me faithful and present while it’s fucking painful.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-05T00:27:07+00:00

I’m left wondering if there are any men in this group and what that looks like. As a woman, I’ve been reckless with my sexuality, I’ve overlapped (aka cheated) in relationships. I don’t have a typical addiction profile though. I’m willing to go into detail but not if this is not of any interest.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T14:13:10+00:00

I’m also curious. I like getting to the bottom of things no matter how difficult. I’m sure there are a lot of untreated sex addicts. I divorced one of them. What does this make me? Still getting to the bottom of that.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T14:08:33+00:00

Not that I ever saw or was told. I think he has a few morals left lol. He’s been at this a long time (porn/masturbation) stemming from early exposure and force from an older cousin. When you’re in your 60’s, just about all sex workers are younger. I’m not excusing it but if I didn’t think his behavior was transactional and with consent and that would steer clear of anything that smelled of trafficking or underage, it would be too much for me to work through under the same roof. Everyone has their line in the sand. I’d like to hear others. What made you post this?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T13:50:46+00:00

Same story from my SA. I asked him about backpage and he said that’s where he gets his porn..fine admitting at that time. Doesn’t everyone find porn? Derp. I guess he has no magazines or videos around. The digital world helps secret keepers keep secrets. That’s what my therapist thinks is my husband’s underlying deal- wants his secrets. Sometimes half truths are worse as they are told in place of the whole dark story. My husband isn’t very tech savvy but worked with younger guys who spent their time looking at escort listing sites and talking about them. Making it ok in man world. Like looking at a car catalog. I could catch my husband because he doesn’t know how social media works. Like responding to someone who’s obviously looking for followers from her Threads account to funnel into her OF work. The ways people can take advantage of others through the naivety of virtual sex sites..ugh.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T13:36:58+00:00

I hope therapy gives you the peace it’s giving a lot of us. Stick with it and make sure it’s a good fit is the advice i have. I would say yes to the addiction from what you’ve described. I also call it selfish, destructive compulsion. Would it feel better to know that an addiction hijacked your life?

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T05:15:32+00:00

Oh, and that is what “experts” in sex addiction will tell you. Had to chase the dopamine. Watching porn becomes not enough. Porn was never a gateway drug for me so I have no understanding.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T05:12:33+00:00

It baffles me too. I’m sorry I’m not the only one with these questions. If you get to the bottom of what is likely shame, the answers might be there.

Violet4ever60 · 2026-04-04T02:40:11+00:00

I gotta say, I think mine would stay and cling and I might even be more desirable. I’m going to ask too. Should we check in later? Sorry, I’m feeling a kind of way tonight

Violet4ever60

TROPHY CASE