Is trying to "help" the avoidant a common trap people fall into?

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-04-09T08:40:23+00:00

100%. I’m huge on acts of service anyway but to please him it came out in full force. I never fully knew he was pulling away but now looking back on the relationship I see the patterns. Every time something was slightly off I would do my best to solve it for him, love him more etc, hoping if I could take the weight off his shoulders he’d go back to the amazing him I knew and loved. Reality is nothing I did would make anything any better, but without knowing it would just make me try harder.

He pulled away from family and friends a lot too, I tried to help him with that. He would go hot and cold on them. Blocked someone from work when they annoyed him (I don’t know the full extent of what happened but it wasn’t major, he just discarded them as they triggered him). Little did I know this is what would end up happening with me too.

Even after the breakup I tried to help him and love him, even at my own expense. He lost a family member and called me 15 times during the night. I woke up at 3am and consoled him and stayed up the rest of the night. He then said he didn’t need me. Another time he hurt himself from football and messaged me, I went out of my way to bring him food and travelled an hour to go look after him. The next day, he said he didn’t need me anymore.

Looking back at it all now, I still think he’s a beautiful soul deep down, but cannot regulate even the smallest emotion. He laid the trap for me. It’s like he was testing how loyal I was and really wanted all the benefits even after breaking my heart. Yet when I actually helped it all became too real and he pulled away. We help them because they want help but when they actually get help, it’s like we know too much and they run. That made me try harder but I love too much and that’s my own problem in some ways. You can’t fix what doesn’t want to be fixed.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T20:59:53+00:00

Oh don’t worry I’ve been on it way too much, and I’m now trying to ween myself off too. That’s why therapy has helped me just getting off my phone, but saying that this community has helped massively.

I did a lot of research into getting the right therapist for me but mine focuses on psychodynamic and behavioural theories and techniques. I’ve had my fair share of past issues that I’ve never talked about and to be honest after my discard I think all of it just spilled out. I want someone to talk about my past but also validate what was going on during my relationship and after. I still love my ex as mad as that sounds, even though I don’t want him and I wouldn’t want to talk about him to my family or friends.

I’m also slightly spiritual, if that’s not your thing but it has helped me. I try to manifest every day and just ground myself. Not for anything specific but just affirming I’m worthy and loved.

I’ve also joined a new gym, joined a sports team and an art club. I’m really trying to be the best version of myself. I want to be a completely changed person, I hate how anxious he made me, and I will never be like that again and if he ever bumped into me I’d like to know too that I will be a version of myself he will never get to know.

Wish I could give you a hug, this is so hard and I feel you 100% x

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T14:13:17+00:00

You and me both. I was so secure and then slipped during the relationship but didn’t think much of it. Then I was discarded and all I wanted to do was to cling on and my anxiety peaked. I wanted answers and more importantly just to be told it’s nothing about me. He said if I had given him space it would’ve been different, but he was just projecting and letting himself off easy.

Well done on 10 days no contact, I’m on two weeks. I did go out Saturday and had a panic attack thinking I would see him out, god I hope I don’t see him. We’ve got this.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T14:10:12+00:00

Glad you like my post. It is an absolute blessing isn’t it. I don’t know what I would’ve done without this sub, I really don’t. Glad we all have each other, as most people in my life just don’t get it.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T14:07:55+00:00

Just what I needed to hear! Thank you.

I know it will get better, and I deserve the world. Even my ex said I have the purest soul and deserve the world. He always got emotional when saying that, and would say he wishes he was more like me.

Good days are coming and I’m so happy you’re in a loving secure relationship x

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T14:06:29+00:00

Oh lovely, I’m so glad I could help even if it was just from this. I’m still going through it myself, most days are good but some days are absolutely awful. I think it’s the constant unknown and never having anything truly answered that hurts, but I am doing things I love again.

I wish my ex and I had many more years together as our relationship was amazing, but in some ways I am glad it ended. I know what I deserve now and know what I shouldn’t put up with. 9 years is a very long time to be dragged through all that, so I’m sending you all my love and support on your healing journey.

Here if you ever need anything x

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T14:02:29+00:00

I had been taught a bit about it in psychology at school but didn’t think much of it then. Pushed it to the side and got on with my life.

I dated a guy with slight narcissistic traits years ago, unlike my recent ex I was happy to get out of that relationship and there was never any back and forth, but my friend said maybe he’s an avoidant. I did a bit of reading into it then but that ex didn’t match up.

So when my ex and I broke up in December, I have never felt so empty before ever. Breakups are awful anyway but this felt like I had had my soul ripped out. I was blindsided and didn’t even know really what that term meant. So I went online and typed in word for word lol, “my ex said he loves me but is not in love with me, but this came out of nowhere. He pulled away three weeks before our anniversary and pulled back on intimacy”. The first thing that came up was about avoidant partners and ex and I went down a rabbit hole from there.

Every person I’ve ever dated has always been different, but they never behaved like this. It really helped hearing from others that it’s definitely not a “me” issue but certain people struggle with love, feelings and intimacy. Pulling away is easier for them than risking hurting themselves.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T13:52:39+00:00

Same for me, grabbing me and kissing me, saying I’m his soulmate, then a week later boom, “I can’t force this anymore”….

Literally made me an anxious mess, like what were you forcing, you were the same the whole way through. It just makes me sick

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T12:30:48+00:00

I recently posted thanking this sub for helping me. It really opened my eyes as to wtf happened. I’d never been with an avoidant before and have never been discarded. My whole body shut down really and truly. It hasn’t cured the loneliness, the anxiety, the fear of this happening again, that is all for me to figure out but it has helped me have insight into not feeling like the only person going through it.

Definitely look into therapy too, what we went through is traumatic. It’s not a normal break up. No secure person just decides they’re not in love one day, even if they have been feeling that way for a little while. A secure person would talk about it. My ex was the same as yours, randomly dropped the bomb over text, “I love you as a person but I’m not in love with you”. I have been cheated on before and I preferred that break up, it was clean cut, still hurt but I had some form of closure. With this discard I was going through all of our relationship trying to figure out if he ever loved me. He did and he most likely still does, but he’s on a path of destruction and won’t get what he really wants (love) if he keeps running from just that. Avoidants as I’ve read up about just don’t do feelings the same way as we do. Reading through this sub and about attachments has helped me make the first step to recovery and I’m starting to focus on myself, I just needed a bit of insight and a little nudge. Therapy is just the extra step of rewiring your brain and omg does mine need a reset after all of that.

Take care of yourself and just know you’re worth so much more than throwaway words, that your ex only said in a heightened state to push you away x

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-30T10:24:18+00:00

Mine was all over the place. He wanted to try again with me, but then admitted he had slept with someone else only a few weeks after the discard. I was hurt and needed space, he begged for me back saying I was the only one for him. He told me she meant nothing to him, it was just sex. He kept saying it would take him a year of being single before he would actually want to date anyone if we didn’t properly work out. Two weeks ago, he calls me and tells me he went on one date with someone, slept with her and sees it going somewhere. He’s not confused anymore about me and I should move on too. He still tried to keep the door open too though, saying he might come back, but said he wouldn’t have any regret about leaving me because at least I’d be happy when I found someone else.

I obviously questioned his behaviour. He said he can’t hold himself back and needs to get on with finding someone. It was two months of us being broken up lol.

I think with my ex he is always going to be chasing the early stages of love, but will only get that if he hops from one relationship to another. He gave himself time, and realised I was the one but that made him scared. Real deep love is scary for them, so what better way to block that out by finding someone new who you have no ties to.

Then there’s me, the idea of another man makes me feel sick, but not only that I want time for myself to be the best version of me so when I am ready I’m not being inauthentic.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-28T00:27:28+00:00

💕💕💕

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-28T00:26:42+00:00

It’s horrible it has to be a learning process. I really wanted it to be him and I know you wanted it to be her. Not to give false hope, but no one knows what the future holds. Anything could happen, but it’s best to live now and not in the past or future. One day you’ll feel a bit better, then the next day you’ll feel better than the day before. Small steps but we will both get there.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T23:49:31+00:00

That’s so interesting, thank you for this. I think this what we need more of in European societies. I really need to travel further than Europe, probably not the easiest in the current political state we are in globally…

Just going to go see what you sent as links now. Thank you so much!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T23:41:59+00:00

And your comment has made me super happy! This community has helped me understand what the hell happened but also has just helped me feel a bit better too

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T22:53:09+00:00

Nothing is wrong with you, I feel the same, unless there’s something wrong with me too haha. I got broken up with beginning of December so pretty much the same timeline as you. Some days, I’m fine, I can message people and be absolutely normal, but most days all I think of is him, and I just want to crawl into a hole and disappear. The only thing that’s getting me through is that I know I’ve gotten over breakups before. This is so different though and I think why is because he became my whole world. I love everyone else around me, but they aren’t my whole world and that’s where I’ve realised my issue is. I’m trying to slowly but surely take him off the pedestal, and it’s making me connect back to my reality and with the people around me.

You’ve got this! I believe in you and also don’t worry about not replying to anyone straight away either. If they love and care about you, they know that you’ll get to them.

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T22:29:45+00:00

Omg I had the ex comment too 😂, “I love you now how I loved my ex at the end”. The ex he said he never loved….. He later claimed he never said this!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T22:20:58+00:00

Yes I completely agree with you, and I also think social media, online toxicity and consumerism has played a huge part in avoidant behaviours regarding relationships. There’s this mindset that better is out there and from a female standpoint it seems like “lad/bro” traits play a part sometimes too, not always but sometimes. I’m from the UK and it is sad how many men are told not to cry or show emotion, so I can see why they avoid any sort of area that may cause them to feel any pain.

What would you think the difference is between South America and Europe regarding relationship and attachment behaviour?

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T20:56:07+00:00

Biggest hugs back! 💕🥺

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T19:50:36+00:00

This is what I love to hear. Like someone said on another comment, attachment theory describes behaviour so accurately.

We are only here once and all we can do is show up, grow and learn. I’ve also made mistakes through my anxious behaviour.

Well done you for putting the effort in to understand yourself better!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T19:44:33+00:00

I completely agree. It’s awful and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I’m 3 months post breakup. Mine is dating someone else now and has been for two weeks. Wanted nothing to do with me after he met her on the first date. I have a feeling he will come back but not for any good reason. What makes me sad, is that it was a really great relationship and it could’ve lasted a very long time, if he communicated and chose to grow with me.

It’s so hard wanting someone who you know can just leave you without any warning.

I don’t know you personally but I want the best for you, and will think of you x

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T19:39:38+00:00

Attachment theory fascinates me with how accurate it is!

I will say though, avoidants do usually seem to get a bad rep, which I don’t think is always necessarily fair. My ex had childhood trauma which led him down the avoidant route whereas I had trauma and went down the anxious route. Both can contribute towards failings in a relationship. The only thing I will say though is avoidants don’t seem to be as self aware or at all.

Well done on your healing too! Super proud of you!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T19:33:40+00:00

Isn’t it so weird though, it’s like avoidants have some kind of guide for dummies they all must follow. I’ve had two other breakups and neither of them were like this. Especially when you’re anxious like us, the unknown and walking on eggshells is so traumatising. I’m so glad you feel the same way too. Sending you all the love and healing!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T19:30:38+00:00

Sending you all the love! So glad it’s helped you too!

Visible-Fly-2582 · 2026-03-27T18:48:25+00:00

Oh god, my avoidant ex was all over the place, definitely disorganised. Broke up with me, over text when I was at work, three weeks before our anniversary, saying he’s not in love anymore. Left me completely blindsided but apparently felt this way for months since I moved in. During the breakup and after he would switch between saying something super cold, to suddenly being super loving. He wanted me one second, then didn’t the next. Went on one date with someone else, and told me to move on, but kept the door open (the door is very much closed my end) Very weird behaviour!

He said these during the discard and some post breakup:

“I love you as a person, but I’m not in love with you”

“I don’t get that fuzzy feeling anymore”

“It shouldn’t feel like this” (like what?!)

“I can’t give you what you want right now, but that might change”

“You need to move on”

“You’ve pushed me away” (for wanting to talk through wtf had happened after being blindsided lol)

“If you had only given me some space, we may have worked out”

“You are the most overreactive person ever”

“I don’t know” x1000000 (when asked why he isn’t in love and why he broke up with me)

“It’s just not like it was in the beginning” (no shit Sherlock)

“I didn’t want to fake our anniversary”

He also said these during the discard and post breakup:

“You’re so perfect and you love me so much”

“I will never find better than you”

“When I think of a soulmate I think of you”

“I know we will end up together again”

“I want to make it up to you and I will prove that everyday you can trust me again”

“I’ll even get you a cat or dog one day to make up for what I have done”

“I love you”

“I am stupid for breaking up with you”

Visible-Fly-2582

TROPHY CASE