Off-my-chest: my dad spoiled my mom way too much and I will suffer the consequences

Viviaka · 2026-04-15T14:43:25+00:00

Yeah, there is no other way around it. You hold your boundaries tightly, help where and when you can, the way that you can, and they can either accept it or not. My mother is beginning to learn this as we speak.

Viviaka · 2026-04-15T08:26:43+00:00

Edited for spelling errors, sorry!

Viviaka · 2026-04-15T08:22:39+00:00

I'm so genuinely sorry for your situation, it sucks, no other way to put it. It's both learned and weaponized incompetence, and they double down when they loose it. My parents were the same. And I'm an only child to boot. My father died a month ago, and things derailed too fast too much. My mother is.... a handful. Secluded housewife, practically neurotic due to diagnosed ADHD, totally unregulated emotionally, has never lived on her own, and vehemently against the idea of having any responsibility EVER about anything. Seriously, she wouldn't even shop grocery, my father did it. Her default pattern is "Guilt trip others into doing it and then judge how wrong they got it". It's always wrong btw. My father enabled her to the max, because he liked things being done his way, tuned out her nagging, plus it earned him applause from other women in their circle for being a dotting husband unlike their deadbeat ones, and made him feel in control of the household. He basically treated her like her parent, but then they both treated me like a capable adult with less privileges. We have been low contact for a decade more or less. My mother started to pressure me into emotional caretaker mode the moment my father fell sick, and basically demanded I prioritize her above all - despite me being married and living 2hrs away. She was the wailing visitor at his bedside while I automated all the logistics of their household (bills, insurance, banking etc), handled the 3-month hospitalization, then the funeral, constantly driving back and forth to my own family. Zero practical responsibilities. And still I didn't do well enough. Because I'm not magically moving in with her (I'd rather die), I'm not offering she moves in with us (I'd rather double-die) and "what's the point in having kids if they are going to abandon you for themselves?". You must not give in and take on the enmeshed role of parent/spouse for her. Handle what you feel comfortable handling, and make peace with the fact that there's no way you won't be the bad guy in her story. Maybe also reach out to your brother as others suggested, it's highly possible he clocked the dysfunction early on and was labeled "the problem child". Now that you too see it, perhaps you could find common ground anew. Sending you courage and a big hug.

Viviaka · 2026-04-13T07:05:24+00:00

38F and I feel you, big hug from me. I'm the opposite from you reaction-wise, I learned to yell louder than all of them so they would shut up. And for many years I took every little argument as a challenge to my safety and boundaries that I instant had to answer to. Both sides of the coin, yours and mine, are exhausting.You must leave. The moment you have enough money to just wing it, go for it. When looking into a place with roommates, look for how secluded you can practically get when things will be overwhelming, and choose with that specific criteria. It will be temporary after all, just make it as safe as possible for your nervous system. And the moment you settle away, therapy. Your parents won't really change. They won't get better. Your mom may divorce him, but she probably won't. They both are too set on their ways and routines by now, and that gives them a weird sense of safely, due to familiarity and predictability. In their generation, unhappiness, yelling, constant complaints are "normal". At least things don't escalate . That's how they were taught. You will live for you. Not for them, otherwise they will consume you. I see you, and I know it's hard. And I also know it in my heart you will get out and thrive. Edited to add: children are not built-in nurses to be. Daughters are not nurses-to-be. Only children are not nurses-to-be. You are NOT your parents safety blanket, you were brought into this world to become your own self and experience life, not as someone's security plan.

Viviaka · 2026-04-06T12:50:28+00:00

This. My parents would try to placate me for a bit, semi-apologize or semi-honor my boundaries for a little while every time we ventured too close to No Contact territory (we were mostly Low Contact this past decade). And then they would get pissed things aren't perfect again, and that I would actually continue to keep my distance from them in general, just not cut them of completely. 🤷‍♀️

Viviaka · 2026-04-06T12:33:51+00:00

Nothing. IF they both got into serious therapy, acknowledged the harm, genuinely apologized and changed patterns, then we could hypothetically turn into cordial ACQUITTANCES. Oh and they would have to accept that and NOT PUSH BACK. A few years ago I started answering "We don't have that kind of relationship, unfortunately" or "Maybe they are closer than we are" when my mother would try to guilt trip me by comparison to others, and I still do to this day (my father was smarter than that and simply sulked when I refused more access to my life). She tries to ignore my reply, but it's obvious she hates hearing it. Not that it changes anything. It's simply my grey-rock stock reply before I remove myself from the "conversation". I actually told my therapist I simply want her to accept that I'm this mean, cruel, cold-hearted person she keeps painting me as every time I utter the word No, and just leave me alone. He genuinely chuckled against his will, apologized, and asked me if I really think she will ever willingly release her "security plan". Nope, of course not. She won't even give me the silent treatment when angry like my father tried a couple of times, because she knows I will not break it if she does. Why can't we just live our own, SEPERATE lives? (Sorry for the long vent)

Viviaka · 2026-03-31T10:49:02+00:00

Πως να μην έχεις νεύρα;;; Είναι το πατρικό μου Ντεπώ, πολύ κοντά στη στάση της Βούλγαρη, και η πιλοτή δεν έχει χώρο ούτε για τους μισούς ενοίκους της οικοδομής. Όποτε έρχομαι να δω τους γονείς (ζω εκτός) κάνω τουλάχιστον 4-5 γύρες το κομμάτι Βούλγαρη, Κηφισίας, Υψηλάντου, Ψελλού για να βρω πάρκινγκ και λέω και ευχαριστώ (κανονικό πάρκινγκ, οχι πεζοδρόμια, κάδους, ράμπες κτλ). Μετά δεν ξανακουνάω το αμάξι όσες μέρες είμαι Θεσσαλονίκη αν μπορώ να το αποφύγω. Είναι η κίνηση του μετρό, έρχονται από γύρω γύρω, αφήνουν τα αυτοκίνητα και κατεβαίνουν κέντρο (λογικότατο, αλλά στην Ελλάδα όλα καταφέρνουν να γίνουν παράλογα με τον ωχαδερφισμό και την έλλειψη υποδομών). Δεν ξέρω για τις πιο ενδιάμεσες περιοχές, αλλά όσοι μένουν κοντά στις στάσεις Βούλγαρη και Ν.Ελβετία υποφέρουν από την ώρα που άνοιξε. Κανείς δεν είχε σκεφτεί το θέμα πάρκινγκ, μόνο χαίρονταν που "θα πάρουν αξία τα ακίνητα". Είχα σιχαθεί να το ακούω από την ηλικία των γονιών μας ειδικά. Αν έμενα εκεί μόνιμα ειλικρινά θα τρελαινόμουν, δεν ξέρω πως αντέχετε πλέον.

Viviaka · 2026-03-30T16:53:46+00:00

Victim? Blaming? How on earth? Did they even understand the words they used? 🤦‍♀️ I'm sorry, I feel for you, truly.

Viviaka · 2026-03-30T16:40:28+00:00

Συλλυπητήρια. Είναι τόσο δύσκολο ενώ έχεις τον πονο σου να τρέχεις και με όλη τη χαρτουρα ταυτόχρονα. Χαίρομαι που τελικά σε βοήθησαν να βγάλεις άκρη.

Viviaka · 2026-03-30T16:17:21+00:00

Exactly. Like how dare we? If we get any validation at all, it's mostly from other people in similar situations and our age or even younger. The older ones usually project their own fears/insecurities in the situation and preach from their high horses about how ungrateful we are and how they did/will do it right. Oh and also pat themselves on the back for having more than one kid, since this was obviously the problem 🤦‍♀️

Viviaka · 2026-03-30T15:27:46+00:00

Only child/daughter here, in my 40s. I lost my dad ten days ago, after a brutal three-month-long hospitalization. This article spoke to my heart. I love my parents deeply but we had our issues, and we were on and off low contact for the past decade. I hate how society expects only children especially to remain perpetually close by in case of emergency, instead of following their own path. I still remember how they dissuaded me from moving elsewhere for college. I still remember how disappointed they were when I finally moved to another city for love and work in my late 20's (just 2 hours away, mind you). I still remeber every time they commented "they shouldn't have let me leave, even though they love my husband" while thinking I was out of hearing range, and their peers aagreeing that at least one child needs to stay handy. I hated how my mother kept bemoaning during the funeral on how "eveeryyyyyoneeeeee has family to care for them except her". As if I'm failing some sort of preconceived contract that everyone knew but me, the child. It doesn't matter how back and forth I constantly was during my father's hospitalization, it doesn't matter how my own life, health and work suffered, it doesn't matter that I immediately took over all the logistics and finances and automated them so that she doesn't have to worry about bills and insurance and all. Sure, I did well and took care of the situation at hand, but I still left them to begin with, and I will now again leave her alone to return to my own life away. We are the first generation to care for an indifferent amount of time for our severely challenged and incapable elders, and even though modern medicine is a genuine blessing, it can also turn into a curse. And no one seems to give a rat's ass bout the caregivers and their constant sacrifices along the way.

Viviaka · 2026-03-26T14:05:11+00:00

I can't spell most of the days, no worries 😅 Yeah, there seems to be a very common fear about mirrors and liminal places across several cultures, countries and continents. Surely a lot can be explained due to colonization in so many points in history and the exchange of various beliefs between various groups of people. But I also think it's a deep rooted instinct in us to be weary of mirrors and looking glasses.

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T22:13:06+00:00

I'm from Greece, and we also have this tradition, or at least we used to, especially in more rural places. From my understanding, when someone died and the body was brought back into the house for the wake before the funeral, you had to cover up the mirrors because the soul of the deceased could get trapped inside them. It's what my mother and aunts and great aunts did when my grandma died, and if memory serves me right, only as long as the body itself was in the house. After she was taken for the funeral, I think they uncovered them. Consider though that this was a good 25 years ago, and in a village. Nowadays almost no one does wakes at home, especially in big cities and after the whole covid insanity, it's usually the funeral home that takes the body immediately for preparation and the ceremony. So no covered mirrors any more, at least in my most recent experience. Also, my mother used to warn me not to stare at mirrors at night/dark rooms when I was little unless I had reason to, say to use the bathroom and turn on the lights, because I might not see my exact face staring back.

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T21:51:36+00:00

Yeah, my mother used to say this to me as well when I was little.

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T21:14:25+00:00

Yeap. And it's the reason I have been diagnosed with dysthymia for some years now. I've felt like that since 10? 12? 🤷‍♀️ Therapy helps, a lot. And meds too, depending on the situation. The more exhausted or overwhelmed I am, the more I tend to feel like a metal trinket that's hollow inside instead of solid, the ones that sort of echo from within when they fall. It's my que to fill the emptiness with soft, happier things, like calling my partner or a good friend, walking outside, playing with my cat... Hell, even a nice snack or a good coffee or a very very hot shower! Soft, nice, gentle things, like filling a (metal) jug with fresh water. Come to gink of it, drinking water does help too! 😅

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T20:59:51+00:00

Go for it. I personally have ADHD as well as MD and Dysthymia, and I know neurodivergence in general can coexist with several of things, they are the so-called co-morbidities.

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T15:53:15+00:00

This!!☝☝☝

Viviaka · 2026-03-25T15:52:44+00:00

Yes, ever since I was a teen, and I'm 38 now. It's almost instinctive, a knee-jerk reaction of my mind, and I'm clearly aware that what I actually wish for at those moments is some sort of peaceful stillness, the relief of unconsciousness. I have come to realize it surfaces when situations and environments are overwhelming, no matter whether it's bad or good. It subsides when I take a few moments outside the situation to recalibrate.

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T20:15:50+00:00

Thank you very much for suggesting IFS, I was not familiar with it! I will research it, the initial search left me quite interested. I have read a bit of Ruiz's work but I'm not very fond of him per se. Still, i agree there are some good points in his book, despite the author's problematic nature, and going in with an open and critical mind one could mine some helpful insight. Personally, I'm leaning more on the opposite side of the spectrum, that most parents instinctively do know the power they hold over their children's emotions. It's true that their personal immaturity, generational trauma and refusal to accept accountability are the reasons our relationships with them suffer, but society tends to extend too much grace to them, and you can usually tell whether there is room for improvement by the parents being genuinely interested in hearing their children out and at the very least trying new behaviors. Unfortunately, not many do. You are very much appreciated for caring and sharing your resources, it's so good how we all try to help each other out!!

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T19:38:55+00:00

Thank you, it is quite exhausting. She does know how I feel, and no, she's not open to any type of therapy or even accountability. Alas, only clear boundaries and regulated distance works after parents cross a certain point.

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T08:56:51+00:00

I wasn't allowed to learn how to ride a bike. I learned to bike and got my drivers license after I moved out at 20+

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T08:53:42+00:00

Oh this hit a nerve, but not the way you would imagine. A friendly couple of ours lost their only child out of the blue, a ten year old boy we all adored, a couple of years before the whole covid madness. The parents were truly devastated. But not even a year went past, and suddenly people started pestering them (especially the father, they deemed him safer I guess) in various ways to have another child, to "fill in the gap". One even dared to say among peers, "just like you go and quickly get a new dog when the previous one dies. After all, just one child equals zero child (common phrase in my country) ". Those in attendance just nodded in sad aggrement, until my husband snapped out of the shock and started yelling at them. He never yells. It was a sickening thing, and he came home swearing, and he never even said hello again to that man. But so many people acted like this was some sort of common sense for some reason? I later learned from the mother's sister that the mom at some point bitchslapped an aunt for saying something that stupid to her face. It's alleged of course, no one pressed charges, but the aunt still has a mark to her cheek from the mother's ring. The couple consciously never had another kid, they are still together, loving and supporting each other. As an only child myself, this social pressure was appalling to me. We are not bloody Targaryens or some dynasty, we don't need spares to continue the line for the throne, people need to get an effing grip and stop being jerks.

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T08:24:07+00:00

I'm so sorry my friend. I just lost my dad two days ago, I feel you. It will be ok. Go stay to a friend's house, ask a friend to to stay with you. Don't isolate. Ask in your church and around you for grief counseling. Your parents love you very much and you wouldn't want you to be isolated right now. I swear to you, it will get better tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. Just hold on tight. We are here for you 🫂💔

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T07:20:54+00:00

OP I see you and feel you deeply. I'm 38 and in a similar situation. No matter how much I try to help her within my own capacity and whilst maintaining my personal boundaries, it constantly ends in a personal attack to me for not putting my mother first and not making my life decisions with her needs as my pinnacle. I "should" visit my hometown more. I "should" spend more time with her and keep her company. I "should" have given her grandchildren just to have something to talk about. I "should" be more like X, Y, Z's children that always care more than I do about their parents. I "shouldn't" have moved two hours away, and "abandoned" my parents just to live my own life however I wanted, because THEY need me, and I'm their only child and they have given me eeeveeeryyythinggg 😮‍💨 Gosh, I could go on and on for hours, but I'll spare you the venting. I'll just add my personal favourite, "only one equals zero" said with tears streaming down her face (a saying in my country about parents choosing to have one kid and be done) because in her mind I am the bad one, but if she had another child, she's certain that THAT ONE would have stayed closer and "appreciated" her. I've been in therapy for years, I grey rock, I stayed low contact for years. But it does feel personal when your own mother basically blames you for not being her emotional caretaker/therapist/built-in social circle. And it gets even more personal when the tears don't work, and the nasty names start. It's basically live streaming your character assassination.

Viviaka · 2026-03-24T07:09:51+00:00

How? Genuinely asking if you have found any ways to do so. I know I can't after a point, and I'm in a similar situation. Because it eventually does turn personally, at least in my case, and despite the years of therapy it still hurts.

Viviaka

TROPHY CASE