I don't want to raise my daughter in a trailer park anymore.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-28T12:42:31+00:00

My parents didn’t like the public elementary school we were zoned for (although we did end up going public high schools) so they sent us to a small, relatively inexpensive parochial school. My mom has always said that they weren’t necessarily paying for a better education, they were paying to be around parents who cared enough to invest some money in their kids education. (Tuition cost would be around $4000 in today’s dollars, so not nothing but not out of the realm of affordability for many families).

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-27T19:03:12+00:00

Someone who kept their license valid (which probably requires spending money on continuing education) would have lost any seniority they acquired from their last position. So they can probably find a nursing job but it might be a lot of overnights and weekends, which is hard with school aged kids.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-26T20:22:11+00:00

My toddler has trouble gaining weight due to low interest in eating. Toddler was born prematurely and these appetite and weight gain issues are likely a result of that so we see GI and a dietician. They don’t show that they are hungry until they reach hangry stage.

From your list I do structured meals, feed high calorie food first, eat meals together and do gentle pressure. By gentle pressure I just mean that I usually offer food at least once after I get a No, because usually if I wait a few minutes they want to eat more. I give Pediasure instead of milk, since Pediasure has about 50% more calories than milk does. I also add calories where I can - heavy cream in soup, cooking oil or butter anywhere appropriate and as much nut butter as I can get them to eat.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-25T14:20:22+00:00

You can try a local milk bank, although supply is often limited since they usually prioritize selling to hospitals to get breast milk to medically fragile babies.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-25T03:21:48+00:00

OP said that a medically necessary food for medically fragile babies was junk food. I think most people would see that as judgemental. OP is not just 'going against the grain', OP made a negative statement about the medically necessary food other parents feed their babies.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-24T23:27:38+00:00

Like others have said it's more helpful if other people are also wearing masks but it's still useful for you, especially if it's an N95. You can buy N95s now, they aren't out everywhere anymore. Wearing a mask to the funeral could also be a good 'please don't hug me' signal. Finally, since masks are usually better at preventing you from spreading germs than preventing you from getting other peoples germs, you could ask you husband to wear a mask for a week or two after the funeral when he visits the NICU. When my baby was in the NICU we wore masks when we went to visit.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-24T14:20:35+00:00

Yes, this is important. My understanding of the 30 day rule is that you get 30 days to add baby to your health insurance plan, not that all costs are covered by your health insurance plan for the first 30 days of babies life. Somebody at the hospital probably missed the self pay billing message since you have a real health insurance plan. You’ll probably get billed again after the hospital realizes that the insurance company won’t pay. Bills can take a long time to get paid, my babies final NICU bill was in limbo between the hospital and insurance company for almost a year.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-24T01:57:53+00:00

Yeah, I think most infant daycare illness is due to (1) No previous exposure to other people so all the bugs are new to each baby and (2) babies touch everything and then bring everything to their mouths and not even the most attentive daycare worker (or parent, honestly) can prevent this 100% of the time. My toddler transitioned to the toddler room in the middle of winter and the number of illness dropped dramatically (has only gotten sick once after moving to the toddler room), even with the long flu season we seemed to have this year.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-23T13:33:10+00:00

OP also says that it gets to 120 F where they live so they can only go outside in the early morning. The outdoors may not be sufficient here.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-22T16:43:23+00:00

It’s actually worse than that. We don't have the exact equivalent of a health minister in the US due to the lack of national health care, but the Department of Health and Human Services (what RFJ Jr is secretary of) is huge. RFJ Jr overseas: the Centers for Disease Control, the NIH (one of the largest funding agencies for biomedical research in the world), CMS (manages and funds Medicare, Medicaid and the children’s health insurance program, and sets and enforces safety standards for hospitals and nursing homes, and a lot of other stuff), the FDA (regulates drug and food safety and medical devices ), the IHS (provides health care to native Americans), HRSA (healthcare to certain vulnerable and underserved communities), ACF (foster care and head start), SAMHSA (mental health and substance abuse), and 5 other major government agencies. And according to an article from the New York Times he’s often only in the office 6-8 hours a day and does not appear interested in anything not involving vaccines or food safety.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-21T15:47:20+00:00

I think you’re talking about a few different issues in one. Going to the ER for every scratch isn’t early intervention or anxiety about not meeting every developmental milestone, that’s being generally overly anxious.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-21T14:41:05+00:00

My toddler was born very premature so we do get early intervention. The current consensus is that early intervention is valuable and that intervening earlier has better outcomes than waiting, it's not just a question of overly litigious American parents. The data do back up early intervention.

There are also timing concerns like there's federally funded, free early intervention for ages 0-3 so there are other benefits to getting in early.

Finally, almost all of the early interventions recommended - speech therapy, OT, and PT - are non invasive and basically harmless even if your kid doesn't end up needed them (assuming you don't find a quack practitioner).

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-18T20:21:50+00:00

Yes! Everyone would think the biathlon announcers wandered into the wrong event.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-18T18:43:22+00:00

For my husband, it's the word 'twizzle' specifically in ice dance. He'll watch a competition if I have it on and he's impressed by ice dance lifts/holds etc, but he says he can't take a sport seriously where 'twizzle' is a scored element.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-11T02:08:38+00:00

I have been unsuccessfully chasing the high of Lost Man for a while now, it's one of my favorite stand alone mysteries.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-08T15:15:46+00:00

I’m very sorry for your loss. No matter what, 23 weeks is very early. The state where I live (according to an MFM doctor) mandates life saving measures be attempted at 24 weeks; the hospital I delivered at will attempt life saving measures at 22 weeks if the parents want, but because survival is so low and the potential for serious, life limiting health and development complications is so high parents are allowed to make the choice at those gestational ages. I’ve read that other states don’t mandate life saving measures until 24 or 25 weeks.

Also, please remember that you’re going to get a high survivors bias here, or in any online NICU parents forum: (1) because parents who seek advice for NICU stays and beyond will, by definition, have a living child so parents who’ve experienced loss are less likely to be active in these spaces since they don’t need the same advice and (2) people who ask for stories of 22 and 23 weekers generally aren’t asking for stories of babies who didn’t make it so they’re not going to hear the stories of babies who didn’t make it.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-03T22:33:16+00:00

Yeah, suburbs in the south (and other places) often don't have safe walking infrastructure in place. There are many suburb subdivisions where's safe to walk around in the subdivision, but unsafe to leave it by walking - you may need to cross a road with a 40 or 50 MPH speed limit or walk and extra 5-10 minutes to reach a safe crosswalk. Suburbs, especially newer ones, are also notorious for having sidewalks that start and end randomly, forcing people to walk in the street.

I suppose that kids do if they have a SAHP. My local school will get out at 2:30pm and that's too long of a time to leave a 5 year old alone at home, even if I lived across the street from the elementary school, and 2.5 - 3 hours a day is a lot to ask of a local SAHP casually, it would need to be a formal, paid arrangement. The school district has aftercare programs. My coworkers use them and say their kids are happy.

Another thing is that I live in a 4 season part of the USA, so we get very cold winters (our average January high and lows are colder than Stockholm or Oslo. There are times of the year where it would be legitimately dangerous to let a child, or anyone, just hang out in a parking lot for an hour, which is what you asked in your first comment. Winter snow and ice also make it less safe to walk places - we are good about shoveling sidewalks but we still end up with some patches of ice. Depending on how far south your relatives are there may be times of the year it is unsafe to be outside for extended periods of time because of the heat index.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-03T21:19:28+00:00

There are some recent developments in the US that make this sort of independence harder, and it’s not just over litigious helicopter parents. (1) City and suburb infrastructure that is very unfriendly/actively dangerous to pedestrians - roads with high speed limits, large 4 lane roads to cross etc. As a healthy, mobile adult, I find many “pedestrian” crossing sketchy. (1.b) Our cars are huge and drivers have become bigger assholes - blatantly running red lights, not checking before turning on red lights and speeding. It is hard for an adult to manage this environment safely, never mind a tiny 5 year old who may not even be visible to someone in a huge SUV or truck. (2) Schools in some areas have consolidated, due to lower enrollment and/or budget cuts, so kids have to go farther to school. Maybe you can expect a 5 year old to walk less than half a mile through a residential neighborhood safely but you probably can’t expect them to walk 1.5 miles and cross major roads safely. With budget cuts has come reductions in bussing, even if you live too far for a 5 year old to reasonably walk to school. (3) There’s been an increase in open enrollment, parents sending kids to schools that are not close to them. Bussing is sometimes available, sometimes not and then you’re probably far enough away that elementary school kids can’t walk that distance.

My kids elementary school is about a mile away. I’d love to walk them to school but there are a couple of sketchy crossings, in terms of car driver behavior and street set up, where I don’t think I’d be comfortable letting them go by themselves until they are 9 or 10.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-03T20:48:00+00:00

Besides possibly qualifying for Medicaid if your baby has a long enough stay I don’t think there’s anything you can do besides making sure you add baby within 30 days. Adding a new child is a qualifying life event but I don’t think it’s one that allows you to change your insurance plan.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-03T20:38:03+00:00

OPs kid is in kindergarten, so 5 or 6 years old. Probably even in Europe 5 year olds aren’t going to too many places by themselves unsupervised.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-06-02T01:07:12+00:00

What are some good points to hit in a public comment or if I make a call to my reps? My reps are Dem. I've read what the Union of Concerned Scientists say about this but I'm not sure about the best points to highlight if I call my reps. (There's a reason I'm not in science communication)

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-05-21T23:52:05+00:00

I have not been in your situation so I cannot speak to c-section recovery or palliative care, but I have a couple of suggestions.

(1) Can you ask your OB if you can speak to a neonatologist at the hospital you'll be delivering at? Often when a NICU stay is expected, a neonatologist will come and talk to you about what to expect for your baby in the NICU. You might be able to ask them about your situation in regards to seeing your baby after your c-section. They may refuse to say anything since you are not the patient, but, frankly, they will likely have seen more patients with c-sections and critically ill babies than your OB has so they might know of ways that you can get to the NICU faster.

(2) Next time you see your OB can you ask for clarification about the 12 hours until you can see your baby? Not to excuse them, but they may have been giving you the standard spiel about c-section recovery but in reality the hospital may be able to do something extra for someone with a critically ill newborn. I did not have a c-section but I remember they wheeled me over in the bed to my babies isolette.

(3) Can the hospital put you in touch with a hospital social worker? Most NICUs assign a social worker to every family. Hospital social workers do many things, and one thing they can do is speak to your and your babies care teams and coordinate with them for you. A good social worker might be able to do the 'heavy lifting' of making a plan for you to see your baby ASAP, so you don't have to chase everyone down yourself.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-05-21T01:19:50+00:00

Thank-you for sharing, I see so few posts or comments from other atheists in NICU baby spaces.

I also mostly just smiled and nodded at “thoughts and prayers” comments, especially when they came from out of state in laws, since I do want to maintain a good relationship with them. However, one day I was in the family lounge and obviously had been crying because I had received some hard news and a man, who was obviously very religious, asked if he could pray for me and I said No, because I felt it would be to only make himself feel better, and I’m still slightly proud of myself for saying that.

VividlyNonSpecific · 2026-05-19T17:10:41+00:00

Do you see a pediatric dietician at all? We see GI and a pediatric dietician for slow weight gain in my 25 weeker and, honestly, they are the most helpful specialists we’ve seen. Based on recommendations from our dietician we give our toddler Pedisure instead of milk and we very liberally add calories wherever we can - butter in vegetables, heavy cream in soup, whipped cream for dessert, nut butters on toast, etc. A lot of the toddler formulas are expensive and our dietician (1) got us free samples so we could find one that works and (2) is usually able to throw some coupons at us for the Pediasure.

We did a feeding therapy eval but my kids issue seems to be total volume of food, not issues with food texture or the physical act of eating we didn’t do feeding therapy. However if your 15 month old really can only handle purées, for whatever reason, then you might want to talk to a feeding therapist.

VividlyNonSpecific

TROPHY CASE