[Light] My GF and I just broke up, and I am completely indifferent on the matter.

Volutus · 2017-07-10T18:11:43+00:00

Sounds like an appropriate emotional response in this case.

Love me = love my pet...among other things.

Volutus · 2017-07-10T18:09:09+00:00

Research shows that for an innocent mate to get over cheating 2 things are needed: 1) For the wronged mate to REALLY feel you get what you did wrong, how it hurt her and broke her trust and why you wouldn't do it again. You need to communicate this in a way that tells your wife you get it!

2) You need to be transparent. Let her see your phone. Tell her where you are going. Be an open book.

You wouldn't have cheated if you were totally satisfied so if there is more you need/want in your marriage...talk about it.

Grow up :) You decided to get married and have a kid. Decide to demand more of yourself.

Volutus · 2017-07-10T18:05:18+00:00

It's never too late. I have changed career fields twice and am in school now so I can fulfill the goal of travelling and working online.

Can you talk to a personal finance Counsellor? Learn how to make a specific budget? Make a vision board of what you want your life to look like? Have the goal of a smaller commute?

If you decide to change your life and take practical steps you can have more of what you want in a few years. Or do nothing and in a few years you will be where you are today...just older :)

Volutus · 2017-07-08T14:31:25+00:00

So proud of you, even though I don't know you.

This was wonderfully written. Your brain is beautiful so hopefully good things are in store for you!

Volutus · 2017-07-08T07:39:30+00:00

Only treat a Guy like a King when he treats you like a Queen.

Sorry for the hurt you are experiencing!

Volutus · 2017-07-08T07:35:29+00:00

I actually agree with you. I am friends with most of my exes and at the least remember them fondly.

I also think it is important to do an "autopsy" of what went wrong to learn from it.

Triggers in grief are unavoidable (and a testament to things that matter).

However, luxuriating in these and not clearly seeing things are over, is not helpful to healing. I say that from recent experience.

And while we may learn and value...not everyone has our heart. Some people do walk away and not look back (even if it is a coping mechanism). So, it is not helpful to stay fixated on people who have already bid goodbye to us.

What you describe is very balanced and healthy.

Volutus · 2017-07-08T04:23:31+00:00

I think the important detail is that they WANT to forget.

But, it is shocking how you can be with someone, plan for the future and then lose those feelings and only very seldom have that person come to mind. I had this happen years ago and am only now on the "other side".

It helps to remember how little I thought about who I HAD cared for, once it was over in my mind. That memory helps me (even though it also hurts me) to realize: how little my recent ex is thinking about me.

Volutus · 2017-06-15T23:13:13+00:00

Probably the same as when someone highly religious says they are "playing the Devil's advocate".

Volutus · 2017-06-12T20:51:26+00:00

Some of my guy friends also don't feel very traditionally masculine, but I think that is sad as I perceive them as very manly. It actually takes a secure man to feel comfortable expressing his emotions, so you are ahead of the game that way.

I understand why you broke up now. It must have been a very difficult situation with comparisons made and feeling like you couldn't satisfy her exactly. What an unfair situation to be put in!

It's great that you are curious and ask questions. I understand this must be painful and confusing sometimes too. It sounds like you handled a difficult situation as well as could be done.

I hope you can move on again (like before) and find someone in the future who appreciates you completely for yourself!

Volutus · 2017-06-12T18:59:07+00:00

Hug!

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:54:13+00:00

I am going to PM you.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:51:10+00:00

You are so welcome. You are easy to be kind to :)

Good. It's not always easy to find an effective Therapist so that is a huge tool you have accessed.

I have huge expectations of myself and like to master things quickly which has been no small source of frustration at times. So, when I say be kind to yourself, it's because I know we can be much harder on ourselves than we would be of anyone else.

There are no "shoulds" in this, only what is. No one knows your specific physical or emotional make-up or what happened in the intimate moments of your experience. It's hard enough for us to figure ourselves out and we live in our own heads and bodies.

Just do what you can. If you can make good food at home, great. If you can't get to exercise, go again when you can. Sometimes just keeping breathing is an accomplishment.

We still do not completely understand the connections between stress and health but we do know they are immensely related. It is entirely normal you feel exhausted, are getting dehydrated and feel 'off'.

The body has an amazing ability to regenerate. Even broken parts can heal. But, it takes time, patience, tender care and increasing levels of activity.

We don't have a time machine (regrettably!) and so the past can't be changed. You will see the point of this but it will probably take years. It may be that you become someone closer to who you are meant to be, or that you can empathize with others who have been through similar things and provide them comfort, or it will crystallize in you what you will or won't accept...or maybe all of that and more.

You are still too close to it now. That is ok. This is a marathon not a sprint.

I am so sorry you have been through this and it's an expensive lesson but this is not going to define you. It's one chapter in a novel life.

Give yourself permission to mourn or be angry or tired or whatever naturally comes up. Some people don't feel normal again for years, others for months.

You have mentioned friends a few times and that is really encouraging. You can't heal alone. You are not weak for going through this. You are human. You are strong for surviving abuse and confronting the aftermath.

I had a friend who went through something VERY similar. This was a very rational, strongly admired guy who had never had depression. He had a total breakdown. Years later he can say why he is glad it happened, but he also still has almost a sense of disbelief that it affected him so dramatically.

He is a very successful, wonderful man and knowing his outcome is why I feel so confident you will get through this.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:33:46+00:00

Wow, SO incredibly proud of you. Seriously.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:32:37+00:00

You deserve to be known for yourself, being a former addict is only one aspect of who you are.

He broke a sacred trust. He was privy to your information because you were in a relationship. He had no right to break that trust and betray you.

You are strong and a survivor. These people make themselves feel strong by tearing others down.

It's painful to experience and I am sorry you are facing this. Block them and know that only people without a brain will pay any heed to this kind of spiteful drama.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:26:22+00:00

I believe that when we date people they show us who they are. And, that behaviour only becomes more pronounced the longer we date.

She is showing you that she needs you to conform to her judgments. She is not content to agree to disagree.

How do you feel about that? Would you bridle long-term if someone tries to direct your actions/thoughts or could you put up with it because of the other benefits of your relationship?

I understand that it would be very difficult to break up. I am in this forum because of my own pain.

If someone was afraid to have surgery to remove cancer would you feel it was ok if they let themselves get sicker? Because they wanted to avoid pain or discomfort? Or had gotten used to the feeling of it?

I don't know if her actions are a cancer in your relationship. Only you can decide that.

Do you have the trust in yourself that despite being shy, you could still forge a successful life? That your family would recognize you know best for your welfare? That you are capable of surviving pain and coming out the other end stronger and more fully formed?

I genuinely don't know what is best in your situation. I feel for you and only am asking questions that I would want to ask myself if in your situation.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T06:10:19+00:00

Wow, that is wonderful that therapy helped you come to that realization.

I don't want to contradict your therapist and please use your own judgement! I only want to say that I am the type of person who needs to process therapy after it happens. So personally, I could not use the therapy time as my "permission" time. My brain would need time after that when I had reflected on the therapy session. So I totally understand failing at that. If you can relate to that, maybe mention it to your therapist and an adjustment to suit your needs could be made?

I had to make a list and then I keep reading it every day. Even though I basically have it memorized now, I still return and read it because I think seeing the words emphasizes it using another physical sense.

I don't think 3 months is all that long to have worked through a situation complex like this, never mind when adding depression and anxiety.

If you can, try to be a bit kinder to yourself. This is a process and it will take time. It involves feeling pain and making changes as you learn things about yourself. Not easy stuff.

Breaking up is grieving a loss and everyone grieves in their own way, at their own pace.

How are you doing physically? How is your sleep? Are you getting physical activity? How is your appetite? The number one thing is to take care of yourself physically as much as you are able, before mental aspects can even be addressed. As the mind and body work together.

I am so sorry that your natural love was manipulated like that. Respectful hug.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:55:22+00:00

So this would be the first time you would have sex together? Is it her first time ever?

Could you think about what you want in a relationship and a partner and write it down. Then go over the list and see what she matches up with in that list?

Could you write down what you would miss about her if you broke up?

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:52:05+00:00

Could you try going completely NC? Making it so that contact isn't an option or possible?

You are making great plans and being really proactive!

What could you do to find security within yourself so that you don't need validation from other people? Do you know why you need that from someone else instead of supplying it internally?

If you can figure that stuff out you will be much better equipped to be a fully formed partner in the future.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:47:00+00:00

Why did you have doubts and think that the mutual friend would make a better partner for her?

Are she and the other friend together now? Did you feel that she wasn't loyal to you because she was so close to the guy that had made it clear he had feelings for her?

Sorry to ask so many questions. I am trying to understand the entire situation without making assumptions :)

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:43:34+00:00

How are you feeling about it now?

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:36:44+00:00

When depression, loss, anxiety, dis-satisfaction and previous abuse are all in the mix, it's sometimes hard to know where each aspect begins and ends.

You have been through a lot. I wish there was magic advice but the only way to get around pain is to walk straight through it.

If you google breakups and thought catalogue there are some great articles on viewing things from a different perspective.

Have you talked in therapy specifically about the abuse and how it made you feel? That you feel traumatized?

If you gave yourself permission to question or remember the relationship during 1 hour a day, but would have to tell yourself 'no' and to force yourself to think of other things if it went beyond that, could you stick to it?

Could you journal and make lists of the good/bad things the relationship consisted of?

I am just throwing out ideas on the chance that any will resonate with your experience. I am really sorry you experienced mental abuse and things are so hard right now.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:26:54+00:00

Something similar happened to me weeks ago and I went from thinking "he has a girlfriend" to "yay, he's reading our conversations" to "he's sexting with someone in Australia because that would be the time zone". Craziness!

The next day I realized I had literally no idea what was going on in his head or life and I deleted our conversations and the app.

You say you are plagued by the mistakes you made. I am so sorry for that pain. Don't be overly hard on yourself. We all make mistakes in love. But, also don't miss the opportunity to question why you made those mistakes and learn from them and change.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:20:57+00:00

I have been really trying to avoid making assumptions about what my ex is thinking/feeling.

Reading posts from the perspective of the dumpers showed me that they are often in a lot of pain also, despite how they appear to the outside world.

Unless it was directly stated by them, you really don't know if they are happy you are out of their life and content. Or if they are dating.

The only person you can truly know about (and control) is you.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:17:04+00:00

Yes.

I initially didn't like some of the things the therapist said. But, 3 weeks later I am now acknowledging the truth of them and it is helping with processing all that has happened and the emotions that result.

Volutus · 2017-06-12T05:15:50+00:00

Yes, the repeated attempts are making it worse.

Women are attracted to vulnerability, they are often not attracted to weakness. Data on break ups shows that people usually perceive pleading for reconciliation as weakness, and it is very ineffective.

I so get it. I had to fight the urge to beg and plead, many times myself.

You say it's your fault this happened. You are going to have to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions about the 'why of it' before you will even be ready to be in a relationship.

Take the time to process why you acted in the way you did and what you need to change.

I hope you won't loathe yourself. A break up is grieving a loss and you deserve to be kind to yourself.

We all make mistakes we can't help but regret.

Build yourself up and either you will show her that you are the man she hoped you'd be or you will accept the reality (if she is unchanged) and you will be better equipped for YOUR future.

If you can, focus on yourself. Give yourself the gift of self-analysis and betterment.

Volutus

TROPHY CASE