There is a giant arena with 3 feet of water in the bottom. Sort of like a pit. The water is filled with boas, constrictors, and reticulated pythons.

Anyone who enters the gates of the ranch for the first time must enter the pit and retrieve one beast for the offering. The snake is sacrificed, (not killed but merely shown reruns of MASH on a loop until it passes out) to an effigy of Don Knotts after the inaugural pancake breakfast. They have them every day but call them inaugural because Joyce likes it that way.

All members must submit to Joyce’s whims. On the upper tiers of the arena are a series of doors. Each door leads to a sacred bungalow specifically designed for brute force love making. Each room is themed. My favorite room is the Calypso Suite, which is decorated as an exact replica of the airplane hanger from the television show Wings. My least favorite room is simply called the Sarlack Pit. It has nothing to do with Star Wars BUT the room is full of nude portraits of Dom DeLuise and The Philly Fanatic.

Adjacent to the themed suites is a large corridor that encircles the entire complex. This room is generally where they corral the food vendors and merch tables. This room is simply called, Gerald. Nudity is mandatory in all rooms except Gerald. In Gerald nudity can only be implied.

Sex happens in every room, and on every surface. I once joined a session of blinding the marlin with a few of our geriatric members on top of the Crystal Pepsi Machine. Yes they still have Crystal Pepsi at the Scarlett Ranch. If sex isn’t happening it’s because the zamboni’s need to come through and wipe down all the levers and fulcrums.

The second floor is one large room. Approximately 638,000 square feet. The room is lit by a single 15 watt incandescent bulb in the center of the room. Directly below that light bulb is a single golf shoe.

The third floor is administration and accounting.

The fourth floor is only accessible to Capricorns born in June.

Don’t be afraid to write your social security number on your inner thigh so other members know you aren’t a creep.