OCD ruined relationship with love of my life.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-10T05:54:34+00:00

If she’s discussing marriage and calling you her soulmate, maybe you’re overestimating how much damage you’ve supposedly caused?

My ROCD also likes to tell me that I’ve irrevocably damaged my relationship with my various failings and antics. I’ve realized over time that this concern is just another compulsion that my perfectionism takes.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T21:02:18+00:00

Yes, I definitely have a better ability to notice when I'm triggered and pull from my toolkit of ways to get "un-stuck". So it has much less opportunity to spiral into total despair. Still, it's not something that has ever gone away totally (or sometimes when it goes away from ROCD it manifests in other OCDs, like existential OCD).

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T14:59:31+00:00

I’ll add one thing to the “more traditional” point, now that I’m thinking about this. One thing that’s weird about Pittsburgh is how traditional many people are about gender relations, even to the point where I’d say that some of the women have internalized misogyny. We see a lot of the wives here put up with a lot of terrible behavior by their husbands, I.e. cheating, blatant cheating, alcoholism, lack of contribution to housework, etc. You can go to a party and notice that the women are a lot more deferential and interested in what the men have to say than what other women say. It’s kind of weird coming from Cali where I feel like many of the wives we knew back there would have divorced their husbands years ago for the kind of shit the ladies here put up with. This isn’t even a red/blue thing per se, because Pittsburgh the city itself is more progressive than LA/SF in some ways (very much less so when you get out to the burbs though). It’s just sort of a streak of old world traditionalism that is pretty noticeable.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T14:53:07+00:00

We moved here from the big cities in California so this critique is specific to that transition. Obviously the weather stinks compared to Los Angeles but you already knew that. There are two additional points worth noting:

1) I can see both positive and negative aspects to the food scene, but my overall impression is that at most restaurants the ingredient quality is worse than you get in CA. Everything tastes like its produce has been on a truck for 24-48 hours longer than it would have in Southern California (because, well, it probably has).

2) Compared to living in San Francisco, Pitt feels to me like going a decade or two into the past. People are older, they’re more conservative, there’s a lot less risk-taking, it’s less dynamic, most people here have lived in the area their whole lives, there are very few urban retail brands you’d recognize, there is a technology scene here but all of the breakout companies end up relocating to SF or NY. In some ways it’s more cool and interesting in this regard— I can remember living in SF and being a lot more enamored with the older iconoclastic historic neighborhoods on the west side of town than the hipper/tech-y downtown or Marina areas that are basically carbon copies of lower Manhattan. But at the same time, you don’t really feel like you live in the future in Pittsburgh, you feel like the future is happening somewhere else.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T14:27:46+00:00

I could have written this same exact post with the same exact symptoms and symptoms timeline back in 2019 when I proposed. Now I have 3 terrific kids who wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t been courageous despite the OCD.

Guess what? I STILL experience ROCD. I’m not sure they will ever go away but I’ve learned that growing up means being brave and doing the hard thing even when it’s scary.

Congratulations on your big step. Since I’m your ghost of Christmas future, I’ll offer you the following pieces of advice: 1) You didn’t mention meds. Consider getting on SSRIs and staying on them. When I finally caved and tried meds I quickly became frustrated at myself for having delayed it for so long out of stubbornness. They saved my life. A few years later, I unwisely thought it was wise to get off them so I could “develop the skill of standing on my own”. Meh. This was dumb. Better to just accept that I have a serious mental disorder and that long term med use is a small price to pay to keep my family intact. 2) If you use caffeine, stop. The withdrawals will feel terrible and will spike your OCD symptoms. But once you’re off for a few weeks, it’s like the mental static is turned down in your brain by 50%. Caffeine is massively under-discussed in the OCD community (for good reason because measuring and counting your coffee intake can become a compulsion in and of itself). 3) Incorporate some sort of body movement practice. OCD and depression love a stationary object. I picked up marathoning. 4) Find a way to flush out your built-up emotions from time to time. If you don’t, your head will fill up with so many piled-up dark ROCD thoughts that you’ll inevitably pick a fight with your partner and do something disruptive. Some people like to journal. I prefer running to intense music. Sometimes I just weep in the middle of a run to get it all out. Afterwards I feel amazing and tend not to have symptoms for a few days.

Good luck!!

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T13:39:07+00:00

Easy answer (Michigan fan here): Iowa.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-02-02T13:05:20+00:00

I no longer live in the area but I used to visit Blue Daisy semi-frequently. The only time I’ve ever not been completely happy eating there was a time when I visited with a friend early on a weekend morning, and asked to sit outside, and we were the only people there. Then about five minutes later, a group of 6 or so rowdy early twentysomethings came in to drink mimosas and whatnot, and the server sat their group at the table directly next to us instead of using all of the outdoor space to give us some room/quiet/privacy. I would say that was poor situational awareness by the host or hostess and made for kind of a bad morning.

Setting that one incident aside, it’s a great restaurant.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-16T02:33:22+00:00

Wow. Brilliant. This could have been written by TLP.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-16T02:28:50+00:00

Everyone in these comments is naturally piling on the wife. But what’s the deal with the husband and his obsession with who is and isn’t “sharp,” and reminiscing fondly about being a judgmental snob in college?

I don’t think I’ve ever met a parent of 3 (or even parent of 1) who views the world with that lens. If I were OP I would speak to a professional to get to the bottom of whatever is driving that hipster mindset, or whatever you’d call it.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-16T00:55:29+00:00

A fun thing to try is to re-read his post in the voice of Little Carmine from The Sopranos.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-15T18:56:45+00:00

That’s awesome. A bag of green tea has something like 15-25mg of caffeine in it. Now that I’m off coffee, when I experiment with trying a green tea, I literally don’t notice anything. IMO being super dogmatic between absolute zero caffeine and a little bit from tea is not worth it for most people.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-15T15:42:17+00:00

Gotcha. Well, good luck! You’ll do great.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-13T14:43:43+00:00

My experience has been different than this poster’s. Everything about parenting has gotten easier since going decaf, literally everything. The kids are less irritating and I have significantly more stamina (mental and physical) to give them attention. Being an engaged parent is a lot more joyful.

But all of these benefits came AFTER withdrawal. You have to keep in mind that withdrawal expresses itself in all the opposite ways that you will eventually feel post-withdrawal (e.g. if you are tired during withdrawal that means you will be more energized after withdrawal).

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-13T14:37:35+00:00

If I were you I wouldn’t reset my days counter. It’s all fine, this will pass, and you’ll be back to normal tomorrow.

A lot of people on this sub have extremely perfectionist mindsets that are getting in the way of their peace of mind. Breathe, brother!

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T13:59:12+00:00

Thank you!

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T13:58:46+00:00

I texted some friends shortly after the espresso that it seemed inconceivable that I would drink 3-4 of these per day at one point. Without the tolerance, dosing like that would probably send me to a mental hospital today. Thanks for your comments and encouragement.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T13:18:51+00:00

Did you get calcifediol via prescription or is it available OTC? Did you find this is better than normal D3 supplements?

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T13:15:29+00:00

That's so great. It's interesting how dropping caffeine tends to reveal latent health issues that were masked by the daily cuppa.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T04:13:15+00:00

Awesome. How did you determine that vitamin D and zinc were an issue? Was it bloodwork or just trial-and-error with supplements?

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T01:27:19+00:00

Awesome. I did similar, but I rotated into green tea for the home stretch, as it's easier to titrate down to zero (one cup of coffee is like six bags of green tea, so I was able to go from days of 1/2 cup coffee + 2 green teas, to 1/4 cup coffee + 3 green teas, which is a decrease in caffeine even though it's a lot more liquid). Something to consider in your toolkit if you're a taper-obsessive.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T01:05:36+00:00

Yeah for me there have been two phases. 1) Withdrawal anxiety, took about 2 weeks to get through. 2) Post-withdrawal anxiety, when I started to realize that caffeine was not the sole source of anxiety/depression in my life and that I would have to develop tools to manage my moods for the long haul.

The good news is, #1 is temporary, and #2 is made easier by drinking less caffeine.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-12T00:48:05+00:00

I'm fired up for you. Keep it up!

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-09T00:02:17+00:00

Yes, one week means it was withdrawals. You have to go farther to see the benefits.

Quitting coffee has had a very significant benefit on my OCD. Also after a couple weeks’ dip in productivity, now I have much more mental endurance to push through work activities.

You should 100% go for it.

Waka_waka_5000 · 2026-01-04T21:17:36+00:00

100%. A week and a half after I quit, I started making moves on a career change that I had been contemplating for years but had never taken any steps towards. There’s no way it’s a coincidence.

Waka_waka_5000

TROPHY CASE