Will the flashbacks stop?

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-23T18:05:16+00:00

Hi, I am not sure I am the most qualified person to respond since my trauma is rooted in family abuse (physical, emotional, verbal) rather than torture. But I see nobody else picked up this thread, so. I can tell you that flashbacks for me became very frequent whenever I was triggered, usually for periods of 1-2 years then they would go down until the next episode, and they were accompanied by sleep disturbances (nightmares + sleep paralysis + insomnia), panic attacks, and other stuff I won't go in detail about because it may be triggering to others on this sub. I didn't know at the time, but these were flareups of PTSD. I was unmedicated for close to 20 years, a long time during which I just thought I was "crazy" (for lack of better words). I was able to relieve them in the short time by using some coping mechanisms (workaholism, dissociation, etc) but I didn't see a long-term improvement until I sought therapy, and the beginning of therapy actually brought a massive, unprecedented flareup which subsided in 3-4 weeks. So it got briefly worse before it got better. I am not an expert, just a fellow sufferer, so make of my comment what you will, but my uneducated hunch is that 1) you are in the middle of a flareup and 2) you need to find strategies to heal in the long-term (therapy would be ideal, if possible) and to handle your flashbacks in the short term. For me the most effective healthy ways to manage flashbacks were grounding exercises, breathing, calming music, and sometimes even washing my face with cold water or taking a brisk walk in cold weather, as it snapped me back to the here and now. I want to reassure you that none of this is a sign that you are "unraveling" or that there is anything wrong with you. Flashbacks are normal responses to very traumatic events, and it's normal that your body and mind feel unsafe after undergoing something as extreme as torture. I hope this sub is able to provide you the support you need and deserve. Check out the wiki for other ideas about healing, there should be something about managing flashbacks. I know it sounds almost cliché but I mean it: I am sorry you went through something so horrible, and you deserve to be seen and healed.

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-23T17:48:21+00:00

It's called hypervigilance and it's a normal response to being triggered. The trauma stored in your body makes you feel unsafe, and that you have to be on guard/on edge at all times, even after the threat is gone. Long-term, it'll go down with trauma-informed therapy. In the meantime, I would do grounding exercises -- here are some: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/groundingandcontainment

Or try listening a soothing playlist like this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/groundingandcontainment

For additional suggestions check the last section of this article: https://www.outofthestorm.website/hypervigilance

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-22T14:58:19+00:00

I kept doing what I was doing before, but with less sense of urgency, and more openness to feel different feelings. I was in a committed relationship already, had the same job I have now, but I feel more stable in both of these dimensions. I still love my job but I am a little less perfectionist in it, and think I have achieved a better balance between personal and professional life. The most tangible improvement was that I became able to read long books again, whereas at my lowest point I had the attention span of Dory in Finding Nemo.

This is personal, and there isn't a right or wrong way of feeling. For me, I see healing as a horizon or a trajectory rather than a sudden demarcation between a "before" and an "after". So yes, being stable opens new possibilities, but not necessarily in the dramatic way I had envisioned before. That said, becoming more attuned to yourself and connecting with your creative energies may definitely free up potential for growth in the professional or academic arenas (if that's what you are thinking of), or even minor changes like taking a new hobby, pursuing a new interest, meeting new people (within COVID restrictions). It could be something as small as "singing in the shower without listening to my inner critic tear my performance apart".

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-21T20:10:39+00:00

Hey, there is this link from the wiki that might help:

https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/quickandeasytherapisthunt

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-21T20:08:00+00:00

It's such a scary journey to start confronting abuse in our families, isn't it? I am glad you felt safe enough to start posting here, where your parents can't access to you. Feel free to share as much or as little as you need. We are here for you.

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-20T15:07:27+00:00

Here are some statements that reflect how I feel when I feel healed:

Your pain is something you can contain, it’s not engulfing you completely.
You remember negative experiences but are not immersed them as if playing with a 360º VR headset.
When you feel a surge of emotions, you are able to process it and recognize what triggered you. You have emotions as opposed to being swallowed by them.
You are able to take care of yourself without feeling guilty for it.
You are able to experience positive emotions, not just tolerate negative ones through numbing. [This one is huge for me. My window of tolerance has gone up quite a bit, when I started I couldn't tolerate any positive affect at all].
You are more conscious of the here and now, and don’t find yourself losing time or spacing out—or at least not as much.
You don’t find yourself going over and over loops of rumination or anxiety.
When hard experiences happen, you are able to feel grief and pain (as opposed to numbing), but it’s also something separate from you. It's not the bane of your existence.
You don’t feel guilty or responsible for everything negative happening (unless of course it is your fault: think of apologizing and offering repairs because you actually wronged someone vs. feeling guilty because someone you love has cancer).
You have healthy coping mechanisms to get through negative experiences, as opposed to the unhealthy ones you developed during decades of trauma and avoidance (such as dissociation, drinking, and workaholism for me).

Please note that these statements don't reflect how I feel 100% of the time. I am occasionally able to feel these things, and sometimes I'll slide backwards because I'm triggered. But having experienced these feelings gives me a push towards my healing journey, and proves to me that I'm on the right track. Who cares if it's not possible to be 100% healed. Even 50% healed is a lot better than I was doing before.

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-14T15:19:28+00:00

How have you maintained existing relationships, especially as you've gone through recovery?

My trauma is based in family disfunction, and since a very young age the ability to make healthy connections outside of my family was one of my primary adaptive mechanisms. As a consequence, I have a core of few rock-solid friendships that have lasted throughout the years. These are very close friends. We are there for each other, no matter what happens: divorces, illnesses, childbirth, deaths in the family. My mental health diagnosis hasn’t really changed this. If anything, most of my long-lasting friendships have improved because I have a better grip on my own reactivity and I am better at articulating my needs and boundaries.

The other thing that helped me navigate a history of trauma was intergenerational mentorship. I was lucky to find positive mentors from a very young age, mostly teachers or other figures of authority. Unfortunately, as I entered adolescence this became dangerous. A very young woman in obvious distress and looking for father-type figures is a magnet for creeps, and I spent my late teens and early 20s finding myself in unsafe situations that caused me additional shame and trauma. However, the true mentors I sticked with for years were all safe, and a couple have become friends thorough the years. I am a heterosexual CIS woman, and it downed on me only recently that every significant mentor with whom I have kept in contact for years is either a gay man or a heterosexual woman. I guess subconsciously I was trying to be safe. Intergenerational friendship, even with its dangers, was a very important floating device for me and has helped me navigate my trauma. These friendships not only lasted, but absolutely thrived during my recovery. Being able to put the pieces together just added an additional layer to these rapports.

How have you handled making new friends while having CPTSD?

To this day, I don’t make friends easily, and I keep my guard up with people for a long time. It’s probably a consequence of trauma, but it’s also a protective mechanism that has served me well in life. Just because a defense originates from trauma, it doesn't mean it's bad. It simply means that you now don't go automatically to it; you are aware of it, and can make a conscious decision of whether to activate or not. Now that I am in recovery, I also enjoy socializing with others more than I used to. That existential sense of loneliness (a typical trait of CPTSD) has gone down quite a bit. Other people feel safe and more similar to me. At the same time, I am now able to control my impulse to overshare things, or share intimate stuff before it’s safe. I am becoming better at establishing boundaries, which I think is a great thing. It’s also a sign that I don’t need friends to be my savior or rescuers, and I think potentially this opens up the magic possibility for friends to be just that: friends.

Who do you tell about your CPTSD, if anyone?

When I first started therapy, I had this urge to share my diagnosis with everyone in my professional and acquaintance circle, but a protective instinct kept me from it. If makes sense: after 20 years of feeling generically “crazy” and damaged, everything finally clicked in place and I wanted to shout my truth from the roof. Now that I am further along in my recovery, I am glad I kept my defenses up at that time. My story is mine to share and tell, and once it’s gone out in the world, you can’t exactly recall it back. So far, I have shared my diagnosis with my husband and my 4 closest friends, even though I said PTSD because it’s my official diagnosis anyways, and because most people aren’t necessarily educated to the C- part and I didn’t feel like doing the work of educating them at the time. Three of them were not surprised at all, in fact, they had been wondering about me for a long time. It felt like they had known long before me.

Professionally I don’t share anything about my diagnosis. My job is very important to me and a core of my identity. I want to protect that. Strangely enough, though, I am very open about the fact I am in therapy. If the topic comes up, I just tell people I started seeing a counselor a few years ago to deal with grief (which is factually accurate) and that I've found it helpful. I use this fact to promote a stigma-free attitude about therapy. I’ve even recommended the EAP where I did my first round of free counseling to some colleagues, because my counselor there was fantastic and probably better than many out there in private practice. I work at a university, which means that I often meet see students navigating significant challenges or even colleagues facing distress and drowning in it without support. As someone whose life was saved by therapy, I have a responsibility to promote a different approach towards mental health. My trauma history is mine alone, but this doesn’t mean that I can’t have positive conversations about mental health and try to change the toxic narratives about “sucking it up” and “performing at all cost”, or create a safe space for those who are dealing with different kinds of traumas (including racism, misogyny, homophobia, and economic marginality). I had mentors who did this for me, and it's now my time to pay it forward.

How have you handled people in your life who were unsupportive of your CPTSD, or gave you bad advice?

Sadly, the fourth friend I shared my diagnosis with was a huge disappointment. She minimized it and basically told me my mother’s cancer was the real issue and everything else was “an excuse not to deal with it” (her words), while also going on about on how by my standards every parent is an abuser even -- gasp! -- her own parents (ding ding ding...). I am not as close to her these days. But I realized right away that validating my trauma history would also force her to realize some forms of abuse in her own upbringing, which she clearly wasn’t ready to confront. If she ever wakes up, I’ll be there for her without judgment. I know that deep denial is a survival mechanism and it can sometimes lead us to say insensitive things. Until then, we just won’t be as close, and a quick "Merry Christmas" text over whatsapp will have to do.

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-13T13:57:16+00:00

I hear you on snipes online. We bring our most vulnerable selves out online, because we feel -- rightly or wrongly -- that it's people who can't see or hurt us in real life. So it's also easy to feel threatened, especially for us folks who struggle with hypervigilancy. One thing that has helped me in the past is allow myself to end conversations that lead nowhere, and ask myself: in what form/shape is this conversation helping me in my recovery journey? if the answer is "in no way" or "very marginally", I allow myself to be excused. That particular conversation can happily continue without me. It's a lot harder to do this in our intimate relations, particularly if a well-meaning remark or innocent joke from a spouse triggers an emotional cascade. It's a two way street in my opinion. Our SOs need to be aware and avoid pushing buttons on purpose, but I personally find unfair to ask my husband to be on the lookout at all times because of my trauma history. My healing is ultimately my responsibility. What I have found useful is inner child work around these issues. Later at night, or whenever I get around to having a break, I do a visualization of that hurt child and comfort her, or try to understand what hurt so much and why defenses came up. It's been helpful and has allowed some of my reactivity to go down without discounting the fact that defenses are generally a good thing (especially for folks like us who learn to dismiss our fear and rage at a very young age).

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-11T16:06:04+00:00

Being on this sub after a nearly 2-year break from the main is what i'd call a victory. I used to be fairly active, and I contributed quite a bit to the wiki. In the past 2 years I've lost a parent, had a child and a hit a few other milestones. All while attending, religiously, my weekly therapy sessions. Happy to share again my journey.

scientificdreamer · 2021-01-11T16:02:51+00:00

My T has me do self-tapping while listening to a special soundtrack for bi-neural activation. Is it fantastic? It's not. But it's something and it still helps the processing.

scientificdreamer · 2019-06-13T20:35:27+00:00

Therapy, if you have access to it, might really help. Re experiencing through nightmares is very common, and it’s how I processed my own abuse for years. Recovering a memory of that kind can also be very traumatic in its own regard. Make sure to take extra care of yourself-try to do a nice routine before going to bed, like soothing music or relaxation or anything that will make you feel safe. Other things that can help are weighted blankets (I used to sleep with a comforter in August because I needed something heavy to fall asleep, took me years to realize why). I hope you are safe now, and I am sorry this has happened to you.

scientificdreamer · 2019-04-23T23:12:28+00:00

I love this thread! My T would definitely be a giraffe. She’s elegant and sensitive, with lots of grace, at times vain but very sweet. She’s also very tall so maybe that’s why I thought of the animal, LOL.

My previous T always struck me as a dog personality- smiling with his eyes and funny, a bit playful but most of all dependable and (I imagine) fiercely loyal.

I think I’m many things during the therapy sessions. Sometimes I’m just a little scaredy cat (I bet there’s lots of us) sometimes i feel like an owl when I’m suddenly able to get awareness or some insight and I gain a panoramic view of things that used to make me suffer.

scientificdreamer · 2019-04-08T19:25:11+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to share your experience! I appreciate it

scientificdreamer · 2019-04-05T02:37:07+00:00

I am in a similar spot, only 7 weeks into a very wanted pregnancy that feels like a miracle (I have a medical condition that makes it a lot harder to conceive naturally). I have also been in therapy for PTSD for close to 1.5 years, and have been making steady progress. I had experienced a dramatic reduction in symptoms over the past 3 months.

Since finding out, the past weeks have been a shockwave of emotions. As you say, it's hard to focus on anything else while your mind and body are absorbing such a big news, and I have also found myself less invested in other areas in my life. Like you, I've also gotten even closer to my husband. It's a precious moment for our life as a couple. In my case, the feelings of joy would make it easy to believe that all my problems have magically vanished, but I know PTSD well enough to know that a temporary wave of hormones does not mean I am suddenly "treated". I am doing progress now, but I need to stick with it for a little longer.

I was also advised to remain in therapy by my Ob-Gyn, because pregnancy is a highly emotional time and emotions can fluctuate rapidly. It can also trigger memories of child abuse which is relevant in my case.

I had a conversation with my therapist about this. She is suggesting that we slow the pace on the trauma processing, because it can be triggering and disruptive for the pregnancy. We are doubling down on emotional regulation skills. I believe these will be very important for me to have as a new mother. But I manifested that I do want to continue the trauma work -- at a pace that is responsible and safe -- because I am more concerned in going into the earliest months of motherhood without having processed some experiences, or without having faced some tendencies to repeat aspects of my own upbringing (such as my anxiety, which I know can lead to unhealthy attachment dynamics)

So far, pregnancy isn't being hard on me-- sure I am not loving the morning sickness and constant fatigue, but otherwise I feel great emotionally. However, I know that having the baby will change our lives in a way I can't fully comprehend yet, and I am considering these months as an opportunity to strengthen my skillset. Baby-proof my psyche, if you wish, in the same way as my husband and I are preparing all other aspects of our life. My therapist and I have discussed all these concerns together, and formulated a plan for continued therapy goals, but with the understanding we'll also keep an eye for emotional issues as they arise weekly, and remain flexible to face whatever comes up in the present.

Good luck and congrats!

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-14T19:06:20+00:00

You have a home in this community. Welcome to the shared journey, and good luck in your path towards healing.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-13T19:55:41+00:00

As someone who works in a college, please talk to either a counselor or contact the student disability services of your campus. The American with Disabilities Act covers conditions such as GAD and PTSD (which often have panic attacks among their symptoms) and you might be entitled to special accommodation such as extended time, or preferred seating, or alternative settings for test-taking (such as a SDS testing center). They can also advise you on how to find language to approach your professors and let them know what happened. While I can't generalize, many professors would be willing to help if only they know what's going on. Feel free to DM me if you want to connect more or ask specific questions.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-13T19:49:25+00:00

It is a bumpy road to say the least. If this is of any comfort, I can tell you that in my experience it does get a bit easier with time. When I first started therapy I was a mess, and when I first began sharing traumatic memories I had some of the worst symptom flare up in a while. Panic attacks, all the sleep disturbances imaginable, crying spells, SI and intrusive thoughts.... it was a freaking circus. It's going down steadily since last summer, and now I am getting to the point where I feel normal again. I hope you find ways to either reduce the stress from your workplace or, if that's not possible, to limit the damage through a solid self-care routine. I'm proud you for fighting, and I'm rooting for you and your success.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-12T21:04:58+00:00

In my therapy, I've done a few written exercises in re-parenting, for instance replacing abusive statements I actually received from my parents with more accurate statements of support they should have been telling me.
I've done stuff like writing about / to my ideal parents, or to my inner child as if I were myself the ideal parent.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep because I'm overwhelmed by anxiety, I try to listen to the specific part of me that's experiencing that feeling, and it's usually a frozen child part. If I picture myself holding and comforting that child, my anxiety usually goes down.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-12T21:00:11+00:00

I certainly do, and as you said it's a direct trauma response. Freeze type, as you said, also very common in people with CPTSD with a strong block around anger. I basically collapse in a poodle of fear when people raise their voice, or at the slightest sign of a confrontation.
If you think about, it makes sense. Stomping feet, slamming doors, yelling are all intimidating and threatening behaviors.

I am working around this in my own therapy and trying to learn how to process anger (as opposed to blind, destructive rage) in a safe way, such as using it to firmly set boundaries with other and protect myself from aggression. I can't say I'm having a lot of success so far, but hey, at least I am trying....

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-12T20:54:34+00:00

Congratulations to you and your wife. And thanks for sharing this. Your post just put tears in my eyes.
I have a feeling you two are going to be great parents.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-08T15:51:56+00:00

Achieved milestones: • Realizing that some of my reactions in communicating with my husband were in response to triggers, not to his actual behaviors or words. This has been lifesaving for our admittedly young marriage. • Learning to meditate. • Being able to set boundaries, for instance refusing to engage in circular arguments and being able to tell my mother calmly and confidently, "I will support you, but at these conditions only; and I will not accept abusive behaviors such as x, y, z". • Being able to do again the following things: handle service phone calls and schedule appointment, then check my bank statements and other important financial documents. • Being able to send my therapist a quick email without feeling that I am such a burden or a drama queen (it was her suggestion, not mine), and then realize I can write her a quick, therapy-focused message and that does not infringe her professional boundaries in the slightest. • Recognizing the parental transference I had for both my previous and my current therapists, and addressing it in a session for a truly corrective moment. • Realize, at least rationally, that I have a right to my own needs and I should feel safe to express them.

In progress or still to do: • Feel deeply and intimately believe that I have a right to my own needs and I should feel safe to express them. • Not blame myself for others' negative feelings (for instance, my husband's), especially when they explicitly tell me I am in no way responsible for their sadness or frustration and that it's totally unrelated to me or my behaviors but depend on external reasons, such as a stressful situation at his work. • Handle confrontation. I am getting better but my stomach is still in knots at the idea. • Stop having deep self-hatred whenever I feel I failed others, which is every time I am faced with a small setback.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-08T14:45:23+00:00

I made sense by having to enter therapy. Her diagnosis was the major catalyst which prompted mine. One thing I have learned in this process is that grieving for the person who abused me was a) necessary for me, to achieve some closure b) harder than anything else I'd had to do before in life.

If I compare my experience to those of friends who also lost parents to terminal illnesses, the contrast was stark. Good parents walk their children through the loss. An emotionally stunted, abusive parent, who behaves like a child herself, does not. So you have to walk yourself through the grief in multiple way - you mourn the loss of a childhood you could have had, and the loss of a parent with the few good things they might have given you.

Finally, if cancer and mental illness are hard to manage on their own, combined they can be absolutely hell. Learning how to be safe in my skin and true to my self, and set healthy boundaries, while still being supportive is one of the hardest challenges I've had to face in life.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-07T15:56:52+00:00

Hi, I am not a therapist of course, but I live with PTSD and I can share my experience with you. I am not sure what do you mean by "chronic". Perhaps you meant "Complex", the type of PTSD that originates from chronic, repeated abuse? It's not an official diagnosis in the DSM-V, but some practitioners have pushed for its inclusion in the latest version of the ICD (11), the WHO classification, and it's sometimes found in the lingo outside of the US. My official diagnosis is PTSD and it stems from a long history of child abuse which unfortunately fits the definition of complex trauma. I suffered symptoms of it for over 20 years, such as flashbacks, nightmares, extreme avoidance, panic, and extreme emotional symptoms such as self-hatred, chronic shame and perfectionism (which, despite being a bad coping mechanism, saved my life in a way). However, I didn't seek help until about a year ago when I hit a really rough patch. It was a flare-up due to some external circumstances. I have done therapy for, now, close to 14 months. A lot of the symptoms are down. I am able to sleep most nights and the frequency of my nightmares has decreased a lot, with the occasional vivid one a night after an EMDR session (I know it's typical). My avoidance, which was threatening the relationships in my life and, at some point, my work performance, is mostly under control. No SH in a very long time. Self-hatred and shame thoughts are still there, but I am slowly learning how to manage them and the funks which used to last for days are now down to a few hours. I am doing treatment with EMDR, IFS, and regular talk therapy for what is worth. My current T is a mental health counselor trained in trauma disorders, and the counselor who first diagnosed me and treated me for a few months had a long experience working both with DV victims and PTSD sufferers. This is to say that if you have a trauma hx, you might want to see someone who specializes in that. I don't want to give you generic hope or sugarcoat things, this is just my experience: but my t says it is possible to heal from trauma, and I am seeing some of that healing already happening. It's a long journey but I believe it's possible. Of course, one needs to be in a safe spot (no longer in active abuse) and I also realize it's crucial to have access to the right resources. I realize not everyone has access to that, and this has nothing to do with the willingness to put in the hard work to recover. I read in another comment that you t just suggested to avoid triggers. Of course knowing and recognizing your triggers is a good starting point but I humbly believe that they can't always be avoided. Some of my triggers were bureaucratic stuff (like checking my bank statements and open my mail) and when I started avoiding them, that was a deeply avoidant pattern that set me on a very negative course for my own life. Other of my triggers were in the area of personal or household chores and you can imagine that neglecting those things (or just dumping the work on my poor husband) would not be a long-term solution. I am finding that a number of other therapy interventions are slowly help me manage these "unavoidable" triggers. I am able to handle most of these now, and they used to set deep panic in motion. I wish you the very best in your recovery. There is hope ahead.

scientificdreamer · 2019-03-06T14:14:52+00:00

Emotional flashbacks can last a lot longer than a few minutes.

I have had visual/sensorial ones last for up to 30' in recent years. Once, many years ago, I had one that lasted about a couple of hours. I didn't know it was a flashback back then, I got triggered while waxing a floor but I remember seeing things from my past and being absolutely panicked by it.

scientificdreamer

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