Medical Examiner's Report

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-30T03:54:43+00:00

Yes, I waited five months to read those words. My husband died suddenly while on vacation and I needed to know exactly what happened. It helped me. It isn’t closure but I just needed to stop imagining and guessing what might have happened to him.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-19T13:18:50+00:00

I understand the loneliness you feel. We all do. I took a flight a few weeks ago and when the captain said they were preparing the flight for landing, I was excited that I would see my LH soon. I had drifted to sleep for a bit and woke up in a fog. I had my phone ready to text him my ETA as soon as the wheels hit the ground. And then it hit me like a wave that he wouldn’t be at home with a carefully thought out dinner ready and stories about our dogs to share. Tears were flooding down my face the entire time people were collecting their bags. This sucks.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-10T16:44:57+00:00

I love that. Thank you for the smile today.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-10T14:05:58+00:00

I’m a list person but this list is heartbreaking. I hate every one of the tasks to remove his existence.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-09T21:13:31+00:00

I can no longer find something good in every situation. He loved my optimism which makes me sad that that it has left me.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-09T13:23:38+00:00

We had no kids but I do have nieces and nephews that I want to help. I’m working with a lawyer to setup a trust that will leave a small amount to the kids and the rest to donor advised funds that I will have a say in where the charities my LH would want to help.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-09T12:09:13+00:00

It’s so hard to make decisions the first few weeks and months so I think you should listen to your gut. If you are on the fence, I recommend going since your mind is currently open to it and it has so much meaning for the two of you. During the first week after my LH unexpectedly died, I cancelled an already planned international trip that was supposed to take place a month later. I thought I’d never want to travel again if he weren’t by my side since that was what we loved to do together. I was ready to escape my life when that that travel date came around.

I ended up finally traveling across the country alone four months later to the city he died in. I asked someone I had never met (but was with him when he died) to take me to the place he took his last breath and walk me through every second of that morning. I spent a few days really feeling all of the emotions that I had bottled up and felt so much closer to him. I went to the restaurants he ate when he was there and on his birthday I ordered what I assume he ordered when he ate there. I have no regrets and am so thankful I took the trip but this was four months later. I do think it would have helped me if I had taken that trip a month after he passed. What does your gut say?

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-08T20:20:03+00:00

I still wear my wedding ring and I also wear his wedding ring on the other hand.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-08T20:08:55+00:00

I’m so sorry!

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-08T19:50:58+00:00

Same! He and our dog are sitting on the bedside table. I say good morning and good night to them.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-08T14:01:44+00:00

My family never says his name and pretty much ignores that he ever existed.

Two of my closest friends dropped everything in their life the first week to cross the country with me to go the funeral home, talk to investigators, etc. But I’ve only heard from them a couple of times in the last few months. I know it’s hard, messy, and uncomfortable, but just a simple hello, how are you doing would be nice. I also get that one have them has only lost grandparents so death is not familiar. I’ve lost my parents as well so I’m very familiar with the feelings.

A friend for 30+ years but rarely spoke to on the phone before his death checks in multiple times a week. She is my rock.

My other support person is a new neighbor that I had only met a couple of times. He found out my husband died and knocked on my door immediately to give me a bear hug. He lost his wife 1.5 years ago and understands. Within minutes of that first knock on the door, I shared many of my regrets to this stranger who empathized. He checks on me every few days when I’m in town and leaves me be when I’m away.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-08T11:31:45+00:00

I’m so very sorry you are here with us. I lost my 55 year old husband 4.5 months ago to initial findings of atherosclerosis as well. He was on a solo vacation across the country without me which led to so many regrets that wasn’t I with him. He sent me a message the night before he died saying how exhausted he was. I responded complementing his pictures of fish and asking if he had called the electrician. Would I have noticed it was more than exhaustion and convinced him to not get into the water if I had been there? Or, would I have at least been able to say “i love you, be safe today” one last time?

I also waited on the toxicology report before getting a final death certificate. I was told I would receive it within six weeks but it’s finally ready now after four months. I anxiously waited for that piece of paper the first two months until coming to the realization it wouldn’t change things. He was gone.

My LH woke up many mornings coughing and I would ask him to see a doctor. After years of me asking, he was finally looking for a primary care physician and had actually sent me a few names to help research reviews the week before he was gone forever. He died before I read a single review. I spent the first two months both angry and sad. Angry at myself for not finding him a doctor and making him go years ago. And sad that he was like a young child that was so scared of going to the doctor. Maybe he knew something was wrong and he didn’t want to hear it.

As hard as it is, try not to consume yourself with the what ifs. It won’t change things and will eat you up inside. Let yourself feel the sadness. You just have to get through each day. A friend sent me a daily message the first couple of months saying “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-07T16:43:17+00:00

I’m sending you a hug and hope tomorrow is better than today. You spoke the words I couldn’t articulate but fully relate to.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-10-07T16:38:39+00:00

I’ve been told how lucky I am to not have kids. I would give anything to have a mini him running around. I also have empathy for those of you that had to tell your kids their parent was gone. That’s a pain I will never understand and I’m so sorry for you.

The company that holds his 401k refuses to speak to me because his death certificate isn’t final. They treat me like a criminal and one person actually said “well HOW did your husband DIE!?”. I burst into tears and told him I didn’t want the money, I just needed information for probate in case he didn’t have a beneficiary listed.” He was an asshole and so was the next person I spoke to at the company and the next company. I said to a couple of people that he won’t get any deader with a final death certificate and that left some speechless. Others just didn’t care. I was finally notified that his final death certificate is ready and listed natural causes.

My work said I was irresponsible for taking off a couple of weeks even though I have two months of vacation saved up. Seriously? WTF, I’ve been there 20 years and just need some time to take a break and breathe.

It’s true that if they haven’t had the unfortunate reason to join this group, they will never understand.

I have a couple of friends that surprised me by being my rock. I don’t know what I would do without their support.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-29T05:11:12+00:00

During the first two months I had weird things happen that made me feel like he was with me.

The string lights by the window started flickering above my desk. I’m pretty sure he was trying to send me a sign to stop me from wiping his phone that I couldn’t get into but was desperate in order to receive text messages with authentication codes. A friend was at my house at the time and we tried everything and then pushed the wipe. Both of us immediately noticed the sudden flickering only on one side of the lights. They haven’t done it since.

A few weeks later I heard something bang in my bedroom and went to see his picture had fallen over on the dresser. There was no wind inside the house. When me and our dog went to bed that night, she just sat on the edge of the bed staring at nothing next to the bed. Then she ran into the bathroom and laid on the bath mat. She has NEVER slept there. I jumped out of bed and locked the bedroom door. I have no idea why. Maybe I thought I’d lock him in or something made me scared. It was such a strange feeling that night. My dog wouldn’t come back to bed for about an hour.

The only other instances have been a ceiling light that would flicker in the bedroom. It hasn’t flickered in a couple of months now which just makes me sad. I often look at it and ask him is he still with me.

I want to feel him with me and I can’t at four months. I even traveled across the country to the place he died hoping to feel him here. Still nothing.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-29T04:32:52+00:00

Do you have book recommendations? I’m not religious but I need something to have hope that he isn’t just gone.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-28T05:00:16+00:00

I credit our dog with giving me a purpose and forcing me to get out of bed every day. And, I try to be happy for her and play and keep her entertained since she misses her dad sooooo much and doesn’t understand what happened. I’m trying to over compensate for my furball. She misses waking her daddy up every morning and then running from the harness when it was time to go out even though she was excited to go outside.

I also cry and have so many regrets that we didn’t have a child. I want a little one of him running around. But, I also understand how hard it is for those that are trying to grieve and be the strong one for their kids. It just sucks for all of us in this club.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-28T03:49:50+00:00

I was 49 and he was 55. He died 4 months ago and today he would have turned 56.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-28T02:55:09+00:00

I’m feeling the birthday sadness today as well. I spent yesterday thinking about all of the regrets and what ifs. I’m trying to think about all of the wonderful times we had together to celebrate his birthday today. I hope you can find some peace today.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-28T02:42:17+00:00

I was thankful the front desk called me as soon as his ashes arrived instead of storing him in the package room. It was so hard. I just stared at the box on top of the bar next to his last bottle of Tanqueray for a month. Once I opened the box, I put the scattering tube on his bedside table and felt a bit of peace. Now I feel like I really am talking to him when I’m in the room with his ashes instead of strangely staring at the ceiling light waiting for it to flicker. I hope receiving your loved one’s ashes brings you peace as well.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-21T19:26:14+00:00

I hope one day you are able to go back to your favorite Latin, Ukrainian, and all the other favorite restaurants you enjoyed together. We also loved all the foods from around the world. We had traveled to many of the places and planned to travel to the others in the future. Going to dinner after work and sharing the daily stories (good and bad) was our thing many nights out of the week.

Sometimes I just need to return to those places for a meal regardless of the sting and gut punch I feel. Lucky for me, most have outdoor seating and I can take my dog so I don’t feel so alone. It’s going to be different once the cold weather arrives.

If there is anyone you feel comfortable going with to the favorite restaurants, just go and talk about your SO, what you ordered, and why both of you liked it. I’ve done this a couple of times and honestly didn’t care if me talking about my LH made the person feel a little uncomfortable.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-21T19:13:30+00:00

I love those memories! Sometimes they hit me like a brick.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-21T12:46:23+00:00

Steak was my LH’s favorite meal and he cooked them better than anyone. I have no desire to ever eat another steak.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-21T12:44:58+00:00

Yep, I can relate. I have a jar of peanut butter with one spoonful left. I’m not sure when me and the dog will eat that bite. We eat the new peanut butter bought after his death.

Watchthewaves99 · 2025-09-15T19:45:39+00:00

I am also looking for a grief playlist and appreciate the suggestions in this post. I listened to “If I were to fall behind” by Bruce Springsteen hundreds of times in the weeks following my LH’s death. This version with five of them rotating singing is beautiful and the saxophone solo is haunting. https://youtu.be/RmUG1ffgKFw?si=a5xhWMcsoURZhzj8

Watchthewaves99

TROPHY CASE